Quiet BPD?

[Teedot]

 Hi there,
I'm quite certain my bf has quiet BPD... .the more I read, the less hope I have for our relationship... .reaching out to anyone who can offer some input, support...
Thanks

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Teedot,



It can be quite overwhelming when you first start to read up on these issues, but remember that these issues are not the same for everyone. There can be hope, many factors come into play in sorting that out for yourself.  Can you tell us more about your situation? What is causing difficulty at this time?

take care, pearlsw.

[Radcliff]

Hi Teedot, let me join pearlsw in welcoming you to the boards!  Yes, please tell us more about your situation.

WW

[Teedot]

Thank you for reaching out.  I appreciate it so much.  This is all new and so confusing.  I will try to keep this as short as possible... my bf and I have been together for 2.5 years (lived together for 1).  He is beyond sweet and caring and was such a good bf, it now seems that he was too good to be true.  He helped with so much around the house, took me on trips, we went for walks, entertained friends, our children loved each other etc.  When i had a stressful time in my life, it is almost like panic took over for both of us and he went to stay at his mom's... during that time, he would text to see how I was doing but said he really didn't know what to do, and wanted to "think about what is best for all of" (kids too) I tried to talk to him and it really seemed he couldn't find words.  He is very very afraid of confrontation and I am not... .anyway after 3 or so days of not much from him, i just had enough and gave our notice for our place. I was married to a covert narcissist for 12 years and wasn't going to waste anymore of my life on someone who "didn't know if we were going to be able to work things out" When i told him I was done, he was BEYOND upset... .he was so confused and sad and couldn't eat, sleep, work, nothing... .I know he is not a bad person... not even close, so because I love him, I told him he  needed to go get some things figured out.  It's been 3 months and he sees a psych weekly ever since this has happened... .I notice a difference in him already.  he is not afraid to communicate as much now, even if he thinks we might disagree.  He knows he has what he calls 'emotional issues" and told me he deals with things like a child.  He said (his words) I am an "emotional r*tard"  ( I hate that word) His Dr has told him he has attachment issues and emotional dysregulation.  He has never mentioned BPD... .but, it clearly sounds like it to me.  It is just so confusing.  He is a nice, sweet, meek and mild person, who is respectful, has never even called me a name... .he has an ex wife who he was married to for 12 years who he is very respectful to.  he never talks badly about her... .ever... .he has had a very important job which he has had for 13 years and continues to do so well at.  I guess the hardest part for me is reading about BPD and holy, it sounds like people have been in nightmare situations... .Just don't know if there is much hope for him.  I told him I will not consider living with him again until he works on his "issues" which he is and I have gotten a place of my own, so I can become a more secure partner and less co dependent.  I love him a lot. He has many, many good attributes, I just want him to be happy and me too, of course... .any input would be amazing at this point

[Teedot]

I realized I had forgotten to mention his "issues"... .he's anxious, can be anti social, freaks out if anyone interrupts us while talking... .he appears jealous of my friendships, needs A lot of physical attention, he is a worrier, catastrophic thinker... .this might give a better picture

[Radcliff]

Hello Teadot, thanks for all of the additional details.  First, before you start worrying too much, understand that BPD occurs on spectrum.  And it's not even like there's a simple scale from "a little bit" to "a lot."  Every person is different.  If someone doesn't have enough BPD characteristics to be fully considered to have BPD, it might be said that they have some "BPD traits."

Personality disorders tend to be stable (in fact that's part of how they are defined) so just because you see some discussion of more extreme behaviors on this site doesn't mean you will see them in your bf.  Of course I cannot tell you for sure, but from the BPD angle of things, if you've been with him for 2.5 years, and you're both old enough to have had 12 year marriages in the past, then likely what you see is what you'll get with him.  New stressful situations may reveal new aspects of him to you, but BPD is not a progressive condition where one keeps experiencing degradation in functioning.  In fact, it sounds like your boyfriend is very high functioning, which is great news.

One good thing is that his is an open and welcoming community.  You don't need to know for sure that your bf has BPD to be welcome here, and even more important, the tools that you learn here can help in any relationship, not just one with someone with BPD, so feel free to jump in and do a little exploring to see if what you can learn here might be helpful.  Take a look at the resources on the right sidebar and along the top banner.

Two things that immediately come to mind that might help improve things with your boyfriend are validation, and boundaries.  Validation helps him feel safe and secure.  It's not too hard to learn how to do it, and in fact you may already have figured it out a little bit yourself.  Boundaries are good for everyone, but in your situation, they are good to help make sure you're able to keep your own life and your own mental and physical space when in a relationship with someone who can be needy or jealous.

To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.

To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

In addition to the resources on this site, a book such as "Stop Walking on Eggshells" can help you better understand BPD traits and how many your bf may have, help you develop empathy for him, and give you additional tools for coping.

Finally, I'd encourage you to become a regular part of this community.  Keep reading the resources.  Keep posting.  Read and respond to the posts of others, and learn from their experiences.  Make this community a regular part of your support system.

OK, I've just dumped a whole lot of info on you.  Sorry to give it all at once.  If you had to start somewhere, is there one particular behavior or issue you'd like to better understand or get feedback on?

WW

[Teedot]

Thank you  WW.  I appreciate your insight. He is very high functioning, indeed.  I will read over the articles you mentioned.  I just want to know how to be the best partner to him, because he is and has been a very good partner to me, with a few bumps in the road.  I guess if I look at it, I too would display BPD traits... .I am sure everyone has/does display them. 

[Meili]

At some point-in-time everyone does display some of the traits. Looking at behavioral patterns is key. But, regardless of whether or not our SO suffers from BPD, we can all learn to be better partners to them.

[Teedot]

I am really noticing the push/pull dynamic with him... .one minute, love love love, I miss you, I want to spend everyday with you and the next, no communication but wondering why I haven't reached out when I have.  It's almost like if we cant live under the same roof right now, he cannot handle it.  He tells me everyday that is what he wants, but it's almost as if that cant happen right now, he cannot take it and passive aggressive pushes me away again.  He also says he has been seeing a psych weekly, but doesn't know his last name, will not allow me to go to therapy with him to try and understand or talk to his Dr... I dunno, maybe I am being unreasonable... .ugh

[Radcliff]

Hi Teadot,

It sounds like he is not comfortable having you meet with is therapist.  That's not too surprising -- it is a safe place for him to work through issues, and he may want to keep that separate from you.  If that's a boundary for him, you're best off respecting it.  The fact that he is seeing a professional, and that it seems to be helping him, is excellent news.  It is more common for pwBPD to not be willing to see a therapist.  He might at some point be willing to see a couples therapist with you; that would preserve his safe space with his personal therapist.

Regarding the push-pull -- that dynamic is how I first found out what BPD was.  I explained what was happening to a therapist, and she suggested that I read, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  I later read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," which is the classic book for partners of pwBPD.  I then went on to read, "Loving Someone With BPD."  All three are worth reading.  They will help you develop empathy for your boyfriend, and will help you see all the various ways that BPD may be impacting his life and your relationship.  For me, reading the books made so many things make sense.  It was still hard sometimes, but understanding what was going on made it so much easier to cope than when it felt like a jumble of random things coming from many directions.

WW

[Teedot]

Thank you for the resources.  I have 2 weeks off at Christmas and am going to grab some books.  He told me a few times he would like to see a therapist together.  He is very open to it and said he will do couples therapy 7 dais a week of it means being together. You're right, his therapist is his safe place...

Thanks for the perspective... i have noticed one thing from the 2.5 years of being with my partner... i have had some incredible times, some not so great times but I am learning more about myself and how I operate in a relationship and have a lot to learn about myself... .thank you for taking time to respond WW

[Radcliff]

Hi Teedot,

I have 2 weeks off at Christmas and am going to grab some books.

Awesome!  

He told me a few times he would like to see a therapist together.  He is very open to it and said he will do couples therapy 7 dais a week of it means being together.

This is a really positive sign.  Being this open to getting help is unusual.  Nice to hear it!

I am learning more about myself and how I operate in a relationship and have a lot to learn about myself.

Very wise.  I spent so much time weathering the storms that I don't think I did as much self-learning as I should have.  A recent major push to get us to a better place is requiring a huge amount of self-learning.

There's one thing that I wasn't sure I'd mention, but I'll go ahead.  Your bf appears to be doing well in therapy, so I don't want to suggest rocking the boat, but there is a therapy called DBT that you may read about.  In learned of it long ago, and didn't think too much about it because it didn't seem to be realistic to get my wife to therapy.  As it happens, though, she recently started DBT, and I've been impressed.  It's just as much or more skills training as it is therapy.  Its four components -- Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Effectiveness were tailor made by the founder, Marsha Linehan, for BPD.  Again, I wouldn't suggest rocking the boat at this point, but if your bf is ever looking for the next way to keep growing, it might be something to look into.  Someone with his openness to growth might do very well with it.

Thank you very much for the update.  Please keep us posted!  We're happy to hear about your successes, support you when you need it, and learn from your experiences.  Consider posting on other's threads as well.  You've got a good outlook on things and I think others could benefit from your perspective.

Happy Holidays,

WW