My BPD GF of 4 years is sending my texts to her ex. Should I confront?

[likeyouneverhadw]

To start this off, yes I know this is a toxic relationship which has so far lasted 4 years. Its that way because of both our actions. Trust is nearly non existent for valid reasons on both our parts. Neither of us are working with a full deck of cards which is probably why we stay in this toxic relationship. She is BPD and BP1. I am ADHD and BP2 with BPD traits.

I have an issue with her ex, as early on in the relationship I suspected that things weren't quite on the up and up with those two and later on I confirmed my fears were valid. She was sending him our sex vids and other sexts as he is her FP and was her source for narcotics. Sadly I retaliated by cheating on her and got caught. Though I felt vindicated I know it was wrong and unfortunately it makes me the lesser person.

We have been arguing this week so yesterday was no different. We were texting and I was saying that I was feeling ignored and worthless because I was essentially being tuned out. No interaction at night when together and during the days I get nothing but silence. She felt that I was creating a guilt trip and perhaps I was. In either case I was sharing how I felt and trying to explain why I felt the way that I was feeling.

Well I come to find out that she had forwarded the texts I had sent her to her ex and had a conversation about it. He was getting the play by play on a discussion I had though was just between me and her. He apparently gives her advice on how to deal with me and frankly I'm noticing it. Her new behavior sucks as its changed to being rather cold. Honestly I'm feeling a little betrayed her on multiple levels. For one, she told me that since they are now working together that she no longer talks to him about personal stuff. This was told to me because yeah I had an issue with them now working in the same small office. I was reassured that I had nothing to worry about. That its strictly business. Well this is yet another lie in a relationship built on lies. Then to make it worse I find out that what I considered personal was forwarded to him. To which he responds that I'm doing the same ___ i always do.
I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm embarrassed and humiliated. I honestly don't know what else she has shared with him. I've told her things that I though I would take to the grave and now I'm afraid that information has been passed along to him. Information that would crush me if others found out. My deepest darkest secret that I gave to her might very well now be out there for their amusement. I was foolish to do that with someone I don't trust wholeheartedly. I suppose I deserve that.


She doesn't know that I know she sent that to him. I feel like I should confront this but I know she will be defensive and will cause another fight. I don't think I can allow myself to share anything via text anymore. At this point there is nothing she could say to convince me that she wouldn't do it again.


This essentially boils down to my jealousy and lack of trust along with valid reasons for my jealousy and lack of trust. Perhaps this is just too broken to work with. If it is, like many, I'm having a hard time letting go of it.

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[pearlsw]

Hi likeyouneverhadw,

I am sorry to hear how complicated and difficult things have gotten for you. May I ask, what do you want at this point? Are you trying to make things work with this partner or are you thinking of (or starting to) let go of this relationship?

My partner has violated my privacy in many ways and I tend not to share with him all I might were I in a relationship with someone that didn't have his background with me on such issues. I have simply learned to see him as someone I don't fully disclose things with - partially because of his jealousy, but also his way of not being able to contain himself or throwing even nice things back at me (after he's twisted them up to turn them into insults). It is not easy, but I think I manage by just not focusing on it, but I am pretty emotionally independent. I've had experiences with being able to share with partners (from years ago) and I am still somehow... .I don't know... .sustained off just that! I am lately more focused on other parts of the current relationship and things are (for the moment) fairly calm.

I know my privacy has been violated in ways that I would prefer it wasn't. That is disturbing to me at times, but I think I manage by just knowing I have no control over it and so be it. I can't put that toothpaste back in the tube, and his disclosures about our relationship problems are just as much of a long-term problem for him as for me, maybe even more so for him in fact. For me, it is a process of continually letting go and just giving that back to the universe.

Lastly, I'm wondering if you have read the topic on Karpman Drama Triangles? This could be something to consider as you find a way to disentangle from this issue: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0  Does any of this provide you insights you can work with?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[Meili]

I'd like to join pearlsw in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.



How are things right now?