Court

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have read with interest Panshekay's post and ForeverDad's observation that her son's ex just wants to banish him from his son's life.  This resonates with me.

In summary my ex managed to get an ex-parte court order stopping me from having residence of our children, and allowing only supervised contact at her discretion.  In the time it took me to get a court hearing (a month), she didn't even allow me to speak my children on the phone.  At the hearing the judge stated that the order should never have been made.  The judge pointed out to ex's barrister that they were making lots of allegations without any supporting evidence; whereas there was documentary evidence presented by me of her written agreement with CPS regarding their behaviour towards children (her partner was intoxicated at 8am when he assaulted my ex and my daughter (at the time 6).

We had the first of the residence hearings this week.  The court had ordered a cps report prior to the hearing.  My lawyer and barrister looked at the report, and stated there is nothing in it that concerns them about me.  Ex managed to get the school to refer me to cps on the same day she started legal proceedings, alleging abuse and neglect- which CPS didn't investigate.  My lawyer noted that the report stated cps had made recommendations following the referral- not for me, but for the school- that they had to work on improving their relationship with me.  Lawyer stated that this demonstrates that the school have acted improperly.  

In addition, the report highlighted another recent CPS referral that I wasn't aware of.  This time ex went to a domestic violence charity, and the charity referred me to CPS for abuse of children, neglect and domestic violence.  CPS didn't even contact me about this referral, instead just rejecting it.  The irony is, she has a police caution for domestic violence, and a rather lengthy history of making false allegations to the police, school, CPS, my employer and anyone else she can get to listen to her (which arguably is a form of domestic abuse).

I hope this indicates that CPS have finally got a measure of her and of the school.

Court was interesting.  She turned up with neon pink hair.  She made a complaint that she felt intimidated by my best friend and sister being there to support me (they both travelled a long way to be there).  The court ordered psychiatric history reports, an enhanced police check on her boyfriend, and a CPS report into parenting. In the meantime we remain 50-50.  Court likely to be Feb or March next year.

My barrister stated prior to the latest hearing that "she wants you to **** off and die so she can play happy families with her partner".  I certainly feel that she wants to banish me from my children's lives, and that she would like to ruin my career.  Fortunately my employer has a good appreciation of the situation, and has been supportive throughout.  Far from ruining my career, my career has taken off.  I have even managed to submit my PhD thesis.

I realise this will never end.

[SES]

I have read with interest Panshekay's post and ForeverDad's observation that her son's ex just wants to banish him from his son's life.  This resonates with me.

In summary my ex managed to get an ex-parte court order stopping me from having residence of our children, and allowing only supervised contact at her discretion.  In the time it took me to get a court hearing (a month), she didn't even allow me to speak my children on the phone.  At the hearing the judge stated that the order should never have been made.  The judge pointed out to ex's barrister that they were making lots of allegations without any supporting evidence; whereas there was documentary evidence presented by me of her written agreement with CPS regarding their behaviour towards children (her partner was intoxicated at 8am when he assaulted my ex and my daughter (at the time 6).

We had the first of the residence hearings this week.  The court had ordered a cps report prior to the hearing.  My lawyer and barrister looked at the report, and stated there is nothing in it that concerns them about me.  Ex managed to get the school to refer me to cps on the same day she started legal proceedings, alleging abuse and neglect- which CPS didn't investigate.  My lawyer noted that the report stated cps had made recommendations following the referral- not for me, but for the school- that they had to work on improving their relationship with me.  Lawyer stated that this demonstrates that the school have acted improperly.  

In addition, the report highlighted another recent CPS referral that I wasn't aware of.  This time ex went to a domestic violence charity, and the charity referred me to CPS for abuse of children, neglect and domestic violence.  CPS didn't even contact me about this referral, instead just rejecting it.  The irony is, she has a police caution for domestic violence, and a rather lengthy history of making false allegations to the police, school, CPS, my employer and anyone else she can get to listen to her (which arguably is a form of domestic abuse).

I hope this indicates that CPS have finally got a measure of her and of the school.

Court was interesting.  She turned up with neon pink hair.  She made a complaint that she felt intimidated by my best friend and sister being there to support me (they both travelled a long way to be there).  The court ordered psychiatric history reports, an enhanced police check on her boyfriend, and a CPS report into parenting. In the meantime we remain 50-50.  Court likely to be Feb or March next year.

My barrister stated prior to the latest hearing that "she wants you to **** off and die so she can play happy families with her partner".  I certainly feel that she wants to banish me from my children's lives, and that she would like to ruin my career.  Fortunately my employer has a good appreciation of the situation, and has been supportive throughout.  Far from ruining my career, my career has taken off.  I have even managed to submit my PhD thesis.

I realise this will never end.

[SES]

Barrister also noted that the school have taken sides. He noted that their behaviour was such that they have dug such a deep hole they will be unable to return from. 

[Panda39]

So glad you have access to your kids returned 

The day went your way but it is always sad that you are there in the first place.  Glad to hear that your court understands the situation.

Congrats on the PhD Thesis, no easy feat 

Enjoy your kids     

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I've noticed that family courts in general don't do much in the way of consequences.  They figure most squabbles will fade in time.  That does happen with reasonably normal people, maybe 90% of cases, not so much with people who have acting-out disorders.

What I found was that eventually the courts may take notice of the repeated unsubstantiated allegations and the ex will have less credibility.  Yes, a bit little and a bit late, but in time you may see a shift, perhaps unspoken, in the professionals' recommendations and decisions.

My local CPS agency never stopped accepting and sometimes investigating allegations if they might have been 'actionable'.  I think it is similar to the whistle blower principle, don't punish the whistle blower so they won't be afraid to make future, um, reports.  Of course that's so distressing to us targets, we rarely see merited consequences.

[Panshekay]

Our thought are with you SES.  Its never really over is it?   Our judge seems to have a clue what’s going on with EXW.  One thing that was interesting was when our GS attorney stood up and said “your honor, DHS has been on Mr __…___. side the entire time, (wow, that was a he- doubleToothpicks moment for us) There were even more allegations, I think 18 or 19 total.  If DHS was on our sons side I would hate to see them when they aren’t  They treated our son guilty and were very rude each and every time.  The judge stated “reallly, because their last investigation against him was Oct 29th.”  Like someone said on our last post... .a leopard doesnt change it’s spots... .and they are right.

[SES]

This Christmas could not pass without drama from my ex. She wanted handover yesterday; which would have been 60-40 in her favour. I held out for today at 1pm, closer to 50-50. So, I had to endure daily abusive texts from her over Xmas. At 8am this morning she sent texts stating she was outside the police station, that I had until 830 to bring the kids otherwise she would report me to the police. I stuck with a 1pm handover.

[ForeverDad]

In my experience the police have a limited fiefdom, a limited scope of authority.  Yes, they can cart off one or both of the parents in an attempt to defuse the immediate incident but that's about it if anything is seen as 'actionable'.  They're more likely to try to pressure the parents, too often the responsible parent, to "work it out".  A BPD parent will feel entitled to blame shift any solution onto the reasonably normal parent.  Police just want the immediate dilemma resolved.  Mine stated "work it out" and "fix this in court".  They're the referees and they'd rather the conflict be ended, even if only for that day.

I'm predicting your boundary held and the exchange was successful at 1 pm.  Hmm?  That still leaves an apparently vague order for the winter holiday, one that ex used to reinterpret in her favor.  If next year she get the first half of the winter holiday then she'll be the one in a control position when it comes time for the exchange to the second half of the holiday time.  Typically "the parent in possession" sets the terms for the immediate incident.

[david]

I went to pick up our son at ex's a few years ago. Our custody order says that I am to call her cell and hang up when the voicemail kicks in. Son is supposed to be out of her residence within 5 minutes after that.
I called and waited 15 minutes since it rarely is 5. Nothing. I called again. Nothing. I called the police and they arrived. I explained the situation and the police simply said this is something I need to talk to my attorney about. That is the extent of their authority in that kind of situation. However, I asked for a wellness check which they are required to respond to. As they walked to the residence the door opened and out came our son.
You have to learn the rules that everyone plays by in order to accomplish things. That takes time.
My ex called the police on me several times. They called, I gave my version of events, and they told me to try to work it out. It works in both directions.
The most you can do about the police is get a police report of the incident. It may be helpful if you go to court. Courts will recognize that as a piece of evidence. If ex is demanding an exchange  that does not follow the order then she is the problem. The report may help expose that.

[Panshekay]

We have had the same thing happen, or should I say NOT happen with the police. I was able to spend 2 hours in court talking with the detective who was testifying on our sons behalf while he waited. He told me that police do not like to get involved with visitation conflicts, and won’t do anything. I like the “welfare check” idea... .I’m sure our son will have an opportunity to try that soon.  Hope things are going well for you SES... .

[david]

It was kind of funny because there were two police cars and I was sitting in my car. One officer was in his car while the other was talking to me. When I asked for the wellness check the policeman had to stand there for a good 15 seconds before he responded to me and all he said was for me to stay in my car. He walked over to the other car and the two policemen had a conversation. I suspect the officer that outranked the other won because only one officer walked to exs' residence. I felt certain they really didn't want to do anything but that did force their hand.
When I asked for the wellness check I started by saying I was concerned because I never had a situation like this before and was concerned for our sons and my exs' well being. I then asked if he could check to make sure everyone was okay. I did it all in a pleasant non confrontational way. I really didn't give him a way out. If he said no I would have then asked when I could pick up the police report and that would have initiated the wellness check because that is a violation of their duty.
This was around 2015 and ex and I were divorced in 2010 and separated in 2007. I could not have done anything like that in the beginning. I really had no interactions with police until 2007 when we separated.

[SES]

I arrived back from a weekend away to find a note left by the Police asking me to contact them. She reported me last Thursday.  She had threatened to do so if I didn't comply with her demands. I called them last night, and they said they would return my call. As of mid afternoon today, still no call from them. It is now seven days following her report. Doesn't look like they are overly eager.

Due to my job I had to declare this to my employer. My boss said that I am being abused. My lawyer is on holiday until tomorrow. I have emailed her an update and asked her advice.

[Panda39]

      ... .can you hear my eyes rolling into the back of my head!

I'm so sorry you are going through this again    Sounds like the police have caught on but boy would it be nice if this stuff would stop!

Take Care,
Panda39

[SES]

Thanks Panda39. As always, I appreciate your kindness.

[ForeverDad]

I can just imagine her stamping her feet and fuming at the officer who took her complaint.  They're required to follow their policies.  So you were called and informed.  Seems they will let this wait until the holidays are past or perhaps they're of a mind to let court deal with the exchange time impasse.  Meanwhile, you need to get a copy of her report or complaint, assuming there is one, so you will have documentation of what professionals have on file.  One time the officers were called to my home by my ex and I later asked for a copy of their report.  I was one line on an officer's shift chart that listed my address and was marked resolved.  Neither damning nor helpful.

[SES]

Thanks Foreverdad.

Spoke to lawyer today, she said that if the police wanted to speak to me they would have done so by now (it's now 8 days).  It has been an interesting couple of months.