Is improvement possible?

[Starseed]

I have been in relationship with my partner off and on for 16 years.  We have a 5 year old together.  My partner also deals with chronic pain and other mental illness- but is a pretty phenomenal dad, and I know he loves us.  We have both done a ton of personal work- but it wasn't until a couple months ago that he had a BPD diagnosis.  Actually the diagnosis was somewhat helpful in that I have learned a bit more about it- and when I am feeling like I am about to walk into a land-mine, I can at least tell him and he sort of gets it now.

About once or twice a month I really have no idea what the hell I'm doing staying in this relationship, it is often void of affection and the mixed messages I get feel hurtful, degrading and crazy making .  There is also a history of mental illness in my own family, I am pretty sure that is why I was so attracted to him (in this Freudian way his 'crazy' was so familiar). 

I went through a lot of years thinking I could help or save him.  And then I really got over that idea.  Now a lot of the time I feel I'm still in it so I don't tear the family apart.  I have never been a part of a group like this, and I have wanted some support for a long time.

I have almost come to this place of trying not to have expectations, especially around him getting any better- but of course I sure wish we could figure it out.  I am so scared that I am going to look back on my life and regret staying- regret living my life- but I also recognize the deep connection and love- and part of me really holds onto the hope that things can get better.  I am reading this book called the brain that changes itself, about how plastic the brain is, and how we can train it to change, kind of like using different muscles in the body.  Are there some real possible changes around the corner, or is this just another hope-hook going to take more of my precious time?

That's where I'm at.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Starseed,



There is certainly hope, but of course all of our situations vary and what is possible depends on many factors I think. My partner also has chronic pain, and may have traits of more than one mental illnesses - many of us here have partners who are undiagnosed so you have a lot going for you in that you have that pinned down I think.

Are your once or twice a month doubts in response to things your partner is doing? Or your own moods/emotions? I know I often had such doubts in relationships even when I have been with partners that do not have such issues.

Have you read about Radical Acceptance? It strikes me as an advanced concept, but seems to be what you are onto here. Here is more information about it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[qkslvrgirl]

Hi Starseed - Yes, improvement is definitely possible with the understanding that you must continuously redefine your expectations to include YOUR and your child's happiness, not just his.
"I am so scared that I am going to look back on my life and regret staying- regret living my life... .really holds onto the hope that things can get better... .is this just another hope-hook [that's] going to take more of my precious time?"
You can live your life without regrets IF you continue to be aware (as you already are) of when you need to draw new boundaries to make your life memorable in a good way. Understand, too, that you live in a constantly high-stress atmosphere, and so does your child.
Merry Christmas!   
Quicksilver Girl

[Starseed]

Thanks for your responses.

Since this last post, our augments have been heightened, I went away for x-mas with my son, and was dealing with my mom's dementia and my nieces autism while we were away, and feeling vulnerable.  I reached out to my partner for support and he completely shut down- saying I was demanding and attaching when asking for his support.  I came home exhausted.  We fought again, because I told him I was needing some support- we had a yelling match.  Then he told me he was moving out- and he had been planing it.  I have just bought my first house and we are in a new community not yet a year.  I didn't see this move out coming.  I felt a lot of heart-break and anxiety when he told me.

When I showed an emotional reaction, or stated how this was going to make things more difficult for me- he hardened, his face changed- I know that face- hadn't seen it in a while, but lately I've been seeing more of it. Once I see it the discussion is over- I have to use all the tools I have to figure out an exit without things escalating.

I feel kind of blackmailed or something.  This move out affects me in so many ways: financially, it adds more housekeeping and parenting responsibilities (he wasn't working since we moved so he was doing a lot of the housekeeping and parenting- I work 3 jobs to pay the bills). 

He wants to still be my partner, his medication and surgeries have made it impossible to have a sex life.  So he wants to be my partner but not live with me or have sex.   I feel like all I can do is try and keep quiet right now, even though all I want to do is say ___ YOU!  He is also so angry, that anger that is just below the surface.  I am trying to protect my son from things going sideways with us- keeping it all in so we don't end up in a really messy situation- but I'm feeling pretty disconnected and resentful.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much to try and keep our little family together and do what is best for my son.

The thing is that I love my partner, he is really incredible, unique, funny, I'm attracted to him and he has a mostly generous, dependable nature and is a really good dad. Our family is close, dinner together almost every night.

Oh, he said that we could open up our relationship- which is actually a big deal, it is something I have wanted in the past because our sex life has been so non-existent for so long- but he said that he doesn't want anything 'getting back to him' or 'affecting our family' so I guess anonymous sex?  I'm not even sure I could do that- and he has made it pretty clear that he is going to 'lose his ___' if anything gets back to him... .

I feel trapped, dammed if I do and dammed if I don't- interns of being genuine in the relationship or trying to see other people.

My primary concern is my son, I would do anything to keep this experience from being as minimally disruptive to him, I'm just not the type of person to keep quiet for long... .

Also his mom just moved here, and I feel like they are kinda ganged up against me- a lot of our conflict has circled around her- I am just so afraid of things going sideways (I am watching a close friend and her young son go through hell with her separation).

 

[once removed]

this is a big development. i can understand how upsetting and disruptive, and disorienting it can feel.

a therapeutic separation has helped many couples here who were at their wits end, especially if they can stop the bleeding, get out of the day to day conflict, and if both parties are actively working toward change.

in other words, there is hope.

what led to his BPD diagnosis? has he been in any sort of treatment or therapy since, or does he plan to be?