Christmas - pleasure or pain

[Lollypop]

Hi

I got organised this weekend. Presents bought and wrapped. Cards sent (it very nearly didn’t happen!). The house feels festive and I’m off to see family and collect my MIL who is staying with us over the holiday. Feeling back in control - yay!

Short on money, living arrangements not quite working out and Christmas may tip my DS27 over. I’m not worrying, trying to keep perspective.

My DS is up and down. He called me yesterday evening quite agitated.we were out at the pub having a bite to eat at the end of a very busy day. He was hungry and very intent on his drug “withdrawal” problems. He had a bad back and has been taking stuff (the type of drug is unknown as he said different things to me). I’ve faith that he’ll eventually settle back down to a level of balance. I offered for him to join us but he said no but could he go home to get something to eat. No problem I said. My H and son17 were very relieved DS didn’t join us at the pub.

I thought it worth mentioning DS  odd behaviours. It may help others understand or question their own situation - especially if communication isn’t that great with your adult child.

My DS is feeling stressed, he said to me yesterday “I’ve got a problem, I can’t stop weeing. Last night between 11 and 1, I had to go for a wee every few minutes. It’s just not normal.” I asked if he was in any pain or felt burning because that wasn’t normal. He said no, I don’t have an infection. I drank a lot of water yesterday. Now at this point I’m wondering what’s going on with his thinking and feeling? Obviously if he drank loads of water he’d urinate more - my DS seems to struggle with linking the action to a consequence. Also his memory of the number of times he went to the loo was skewed or he was exaggerating. Whatever, he was expressing his concern and worries about himself. Then he said “I took some fybogel while I was at home.” I’m immediately thinking he’s constipated because he’s not been eating regularly and/or abusing codeine. I say “oh, I see... .you do know that fybogel is for when you’re constipated?” He says “yeah, I just thought it would help with my weeing”.

Always looking for a quick fix. I can see that a lot of his anxiety is caused by hunger and thirst. Obviously, smoking a lot of skunk makes it a lot worse. It’s very frustrating that he can’t see this.

Feels bad.
Takes an action - feels better.
Consequence - anxiety

He stays in this loop until something external breaks it. It can last weeks or even months.

Anyway, ever hopeful that he’s ok on Christmas Day and can spend time with us. If not, it’ll be a quick visit for dinner only and we can then get on with having a relaxing and happy time.

How are you feeling about Christmas? I’ve had a few terrible ones over the years.

How do you plan on getting through it? Easier without them or with them?

I’d love to hear some tips!

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[faith69]

Thank you for posting this... .somehow there is comfort in hearing we are not alone in these experiences.  My 21s has not spoken to me in over a year since I would not let him live with me without treatment because he was so abusive and spinning out of control.  I don't expect to see him over Christmas- not for lack of trying on my part.  I too am very interested in any tips to rise above this at this time of year.

[1hope]

Lollypop,
I can really relate to your post!  I really love Christmas, but this year I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit.   My DD 18 moved out suddenly in September, and is now very dysregulated.  She stopped going to therapy, stopped her meds and is now not sleeping, which usually indicates a spiral is coming. 
She quit her job (because they called her in to give her a warning about absences), took a door to door sales job, then quit that too.  She says her roommates "hate her", and another close friendship just ended.   Like your DS, she struggles with connecting her actions to consequences.  She also looks for the "quick fix", rather than looking deeper to find the root of her feelings/behaviours.   

You said your DS gets in the loop until something external breaks it.  What usually breaks it?  Your support, a crisis, or something else?  Our DD doesn't seem to be able to break the cycle either.  She spirals when things get tough, and she doesn't see any solutions.  She has been hospitalized many times for suicide attempts/ideation.  It's so scary to watch her go through all of these things!  We've provided her with the therapists, and support programs, and of course, love.   We are now waiting for her to accept that she needs these supports.   A small step this weekend... .she agreed that she would go back to her old therapist for an appointment.  We took her (the therapist has recently moved out of town), and left it up to her to make the next appointment if she wishes.  We told her we'd give her a ride there.  So now we wait and see... .

Lollypop, you seem to have such a centred attitude about the holidays!  I hope to get there too!  Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!

1hope

[mom2ela]

Thank you for posting this. I have done everything that I can to remain positive this holiday season. My husband and I are starting new traditions. My 18DS is not living with us anymore due to his refusing to follow any rules and for all of us to remain safe. Part of me always looks forward to Christmas... .however, it terrifies me because we never know what type of mood he is going to be in. We have planned some short get togethers. If that goes well, we have plans that we could include him in as well. We will wait until that day to decide. It has been one long year. However, I have many good things and try to count the blessings in my life... .it helps balance out the craziness.

[Lollypop]

 

Special celebrations and Christmas are just so challenging, sweet and sour, eggshells. With my planning and setting myself high expectations, I set myself up to fail. I feel a bit war torn now, the old scrapes and wounds have toughened me up. Last year went brilliantly - first time in years.
 
faith: I’m sorry to hear your son has chosen no contact. That’s very tough over the holidays too. No matter if he contacts you or not over the holidays, he will think of you alland a part of him wishing he was included I’m sure. At 21 he’s young and my DS didn’t start maturing until 24-25. Things did get better. For what it’s worth I delayed it by saving him and with hindsight I may have been better letting him off the reign completely. I hope you find a way to have a good day despite the problems.

1hope: it used to be crisis and me saving that broke the loop. I’d react and take some form of action. Sometimes it made things worse, more often it made things a lot worse. I learnt the hard way. I leave him to make his own decisions and he’s actually getting better at it. He has to feel uncomfortable to have the motivation to change something. Sounds simple but that’s true. The real problem was I couldn’t bare to watch him struggle, I’ve learnt to do that now and be able to have a relationship at the same time. It’s taken effort and work on both our parts.

Mom2: oh boy those moods. My whole day would rest on how my DS would wake up that morning. We’ve have some stinkers. That’s just not right and I can see that now. My day isn’t just about him, there’s my family and me to consider too. We’ve learnt by mistakes. We are a family, as dysfunctional as it is - in my head I feel a family.  we certainly aren’t that romanticised view of tartan clothed staged family photos around the tree! My Christmas is more relaxed than it’s ever been, a bit of a glorified Sunday dinner with maybe they will join us walking the dogs, maybe not. No expectations actually. My DS May join us, it’s ok if he doesn’t. Detachment is comfortable on special days! I think you’re wise about the short get togethers. Our Xmas day is just 5.  My DS hasn’t gone to a wider family event for 13 years and finds the prospect overwhelming now. I wish I’d had your approach.

I try my best to make sure the presents are “equal” so there’s no obvious (or even a hint of perceived) favouritism. It’s hard work. With two young men like chalk and cheese it’s tricky. Do you have the same problem with the gift opening?

My DS won’t be able to afford gifts for us this year. Another emotional challenge for him, especially when he’s opening his. It won’t stop him from coming to open his though!

LP

[mom2ela]

Lollypop-Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think that I also try to save my DS too much. His solution is to always call me when he gets into trouble to help out. Even though, I'm his favorite person to take his anger out on. It is such a balancing act to let them know we are there but also let them develop the skills to live independently. I go back and forth on how much to help. He just called tonight wanting us to bail him out again. I'm thankful for others who have been on this journey longer than we have. It seems that I questions everything that I do.

[Lollypop]

Hi mom2ela

Honestly I did too, still do. I feel the offer in my head but I’ve learnt to not say anything. I pause and say to myself “there’s no rush, sleep on it”. Very often by the morning I can see that this is definitely “one of those very many things that an adult should be doing for himself”. My DS27 is an adult and actually that should cover everything! Except I do recognise that it’s not always easy, small gestures ago a very long way in making him feel loved and help our relationship.

My DS is a very good liar and very often we handed out money when we should have had more sense. Small gestures shouldn’t include money. That’s my rule. My DS didn’t start his real growth until I stopped giving him money, I could always find an excuse. Our savings went, we didn’t stop our own behaviour until we forced to.

This year I broke my rule and we have him money on his birthday. His birthday was in November and we agreed I’d keep the money until he could top it up with his own savings. He wanted to buy an expensive piece of equipment. Then he got sick and couldn’t work. Then he asked for £200 towards his rent and we agreed a repayment plan (I’ll make him keep to this and I felt cornered). I predicted he’d ask for more in a few weeks. LO and behold he called me last night (following a few days of him being ultra nice - could he please have some of his birthday money and he gave me a concocted storyline. I couldn’t refuse, this is birthday money that he asked us to keep safe - it’s his to go with as he pleases. But I’ve learnt a lesson - money complicated what should an emotionally level warm loving respectful relationship. Maybe the concocted story is true - let’s wait and see. To be honest, I’m ok with but want to hand over the last of his birthday money to him that we both know he’ll blow. Yet he asked me to keep it so it’s safe - This is his problem solving and that’s good. Stuff gets complicated doesn’t it.

At 27, “Everything that he should do for himself , he should do himself”. I keep saying it to myself and it helps me gauge my own actions. You’re right it’s a balancing act, flowing to their needs. It’s about us understanding exactly what those needs are and getting it right. That’s not easy.

You’re doing great mom2. We all learn together.

What kind of help does your son ask for?

LP

[JustYouWait]

What a fantastic post, and thank you for capturing a lot of what I'm going through this year. 

This is the second year with DD19 and mental illness, and the first with BPD, and I have NO Xmas spirit.  It usually hits me around December 10 or so and rolls right through the New Year, but this year? 

Nothing.  I nothing this Christmas.

DD19 is in RT, so we will be driving 7-8 hrs on Xmas day to see her, and 8-10 hrs back the next day, and then I'll take the damn tree down and the lights and go back to waiting for spring.

I hate that this disease has stolen my spirit.  I hate it.

[mom2ela]

Lollypop,

Our son is wanting us to buy him a new cell phone. I gave him double of what he needed and he blew it on online games.Which he lied about repeatedly. We then gave him an older phone that we had. He informs us last night that it blew up on him. I highly doubt this is true. We can't trust anything that he tells us.

When he was living at home, we required him to save a certain amount for college. He has gradually been going through it and only has $700 left. However, the money issue continues to cause all types of problems. He temporarily moved in with some known meth users. Showed up with them at our home demanding "his" money. He later had an altercation in which the police were called. They informed him that those people were just trying to get his money. He can't see it at all. We are really afraid to give it all to him. He seeks approval of others by bragging how much money he has (which he dramatically inflates).

His solution to any problem is to call us. The cell phone is just the one that is the focus of all his attention right now. IT will be something else before long. We told him no last night and he honestly couldn't come up with a plan on what he needs to do. It is suddenly our fault because he can't get a job because employers can't call him back and we won't get him a phone. He also has told us that it is our fault if he becomes a drug dealer because we won't give him money. Their thinking is just so crazy. Sometimes, I am just shocked at how he thinks and what comes out of his mouth. I'm learning to "practice the pause" before I respond. Any response to his outrageous statements, typically does not end well. I'm better off just letting it go. Things won't change until he decides he wants them to.

The money issue does complicate things. A big part of me just wants to give it to him. However, I can't shake the fear that if something bad happened from him having that money that I would feel like I could have prevented it.

I like your approach that small gestures shouldn't include money. Once we figure out how to deal with his savings, we plan on avoid giving him money at all. It is so hard isn't it? I hate questioning everything he tells us but more often than not, it is not true.

[jones54]

We all hate to be Scrooges but Christmas is one of the most difficult times for people with BPD (as well as their families). Those with addiction issues as well. It is stressful even for "normal" families. For years it has been difficult with my 32 yo BPD daughter. I can think of only one Christmas in the recent past it was pleasurable. Last year she backed out at the last second and 2 years ago she was in detox. I remember her in a Psych hospital one year. This year she will not be at my house (she is not allowed). For the past 6 plus months I have put up boundaries with detachment. She is a heroin addict and relapsed earlier this year (did not know till later this year). She has been raging at me since Spring time. I have done everything in my power to get her help (as we all have done). For the past 2 months I have been totally depressed and worried that she is going to overdose and die. I believe she is now in a methadone clinic. I never know for sure because we know little what she is doing. She should have been evicted a month ago (we stopped helping her financially). I drove by her house and the driveway was plowed in and no car to be seen. Found out she moved in (permanently?) with a man twice her age who she befriended years ago. He is an alcoholic who (at the moment) is in recovery. As recent as last night she sent 13 hate texts at me saying I was the cause of all her problems in life and that I have always excluded her from Christmas (see above what really has happened in the past). She confabulates the past and twists it to her own desire. She threatens me about going on Social Media (this is called a distortion campaign by a BPD) to "tell everyone how terrible a Father I have been". She actually did this in the Spring of this year. Well, I have had enough of her. She is severely ill which I get but she has had every opportunity to get help. She will a therapist and as soon as she hears what she does not like she stops going and later will pick up another. I would say in her 32 years she has seen at least 20 different therapists (not including those in 4 addiction rehabs, 2 psych hospitals, etc.) I think what I am saying is that once they are adults we need to focus on ourselves and let them live their own lives (as miserable as they may be). We all want something different, especially when we have another child who is so loving and has done so well in life. I have accepted the fact that she may always be the way she is. But I have also realized that if I stay in this chaos I am going to soon be as crazy as she is. After the 13 hate texts last night I blocked her from my phone. I do not want anything to do with her for at least 3 months. I know there will be more hate texts coming (since it is the holidays) but they will not get thru. If I was in a marriage I would have divorced her years ago for being abusive. I hate to be such a downer with all of this but I have finally realized I was allowing her to destroy my well being. As they say "misery loves company". My daughter thrives on this. I cannot allow this. I have accepted the fact that I will not have any association with her for a while. I have even accepted the fact she may die of an OD (she actually already has OD'd twice in past). I have empathy for her with her BPD and addiction. She will never be "normal" but she can become functional if she chooses to do the work. She is far from that right now. But that is her choice. I have laid awake and worried all day long for the past many months praying and hoping she will "get better". I am exhausted. People see that I am not the same person I used to be. I have not felt the Christmas Spirit. I do not look forward to work (I love what I do). My relationship with my fiancee has been stressed (not sure why she has stayed with me with all this chaos). Everyone will always say to us parents of BPD's... ."take care of yourself". Very hard to put your child aside, but they are no longer our children. They are adults if they are over 18 and are not the young toddlers we so cherished. They are different people who are mentally ill. Unfortunately they will never be "normal". That is what we all have to accept. Probably the hardest thing to do since we all wanted our lives (and child) to be different. I have longed for a "normal" relationship with my daughter. It literally has driven me crazy wanting something that I now realize I cannot have. I accept. I mourn this but I will move on. I will still pray for her and hope she can get a little better. But right now I will look forward to Christmas with my fiancee, my son and his wife who is expecting with my  first grandchild. That is something truly to be thankful for and for which I am blessed!

[Huat]

Great post, Jones54!  Lots of sage advice.

What I find interesting in reading your post is the way you walk your way through your hurt - then face the facts - then look at solutions that could well help make life better for you.  In turn, there will be benefits for the others who share your life... .your son, your fiancee.   Any change in you will be felt by your daughter.

I wish you well, Jones54, as you forge ahead.  Forgive yourself when/if you have relapses.  Even if you find it is 2-steps-ahead-1-back at times... .you are still going forward.

I, and I am sure others, look forward to seeing more of your posts.  For me, a Mom, it is interesting to read the thoughts of a Dad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi

Update:

Actually a big update!

My DS didn’t lie. He bought the equipment he said he was going to. He’s very pleased with it.

He’s moved his room around in his new place, personalised it.

He’s been Xmas shopping so hopefully he’s got a few small gifts to bring on Xmas morning. This is important as otherwise he feels guilt.

He came on to join us for a family meal and announced he’s “seen the light”. He intends to go drug free over the holidays so he’s ready for s new start in 2018. This was a good forwarning for us as he’ll be ultra stressy. We sat and listened and listened as he explained himself. It felt good to have the conversation, open, honest, adult to adult. He’s realised that he’s tired, tired of his friends wanting emotional support from him, tired of their moods, tired of their choices, tired of juggling money, he says he doesn’t want to be part of it any more. We’ve come so very far.

I’m not hopeful in the shorter term. Long term skunk use won’t be easy to quit. This is a very long game. Let’s see. Caution is my middle name.

Timing is everything. This is the biggest thing I’ve learnt,

LP

[1hope]

That's great news Lollypop!  Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories... .I'm learning so much on this site!

Wishing all of you a Merry Christmas!
1hope

[Lollypop]

And to you 1hope. I still love your name!

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

[wendydarling]

Hi Just you wait

DD19 is in RT, so we will be driving 7-8 hrs on Xmas day to see her, and 8-10 hrs back the next day, and then I'll take the damn tree down and the lights and go back to waiting for spring.

Been wondering how your visit went?

WDx