To have or not to have children

[kelseyy]

My H and I have been married for 6 years now. We got married really young, I was only 20 he was 23. I was definitely not ready to have kids. Lately I have been thinking about when or if we should have any. But I am so scared. When he is not working he wants his time to be only doing things HE enjoys. Unfortunately for me, we don't enjoy much of the same things. The only thing he enjoys is playing video games and don't even try to talk to him while he is playing video games its guaranteed to turn into a huge rage.
 
I am scare he is going to be absent from the child's life, in the same home but unavailable.
I am scared that he is going dysregulate and take things out on the child.
I am scared that he is going to put all the responsibility on me because he is so afraid of failure.
I am scared that the child will pick up these behaviors.
I am scared he is going to have the black and white, splitting thinking and then the child will constantly be seeking approval from their dad, but will most likely never get it.
I am scared he will feel threatened by the child's normal behavior, and retaliate.
I am scared that he won't be able to love them unconditionally, and will withdraw love when the disobey something, express their anger, feelings, thoughts or opinions.

Sometimes I feel like it would be so irresponsible of me to bring a child into the world with him. I don't know how I could live with myself if the child grew up and had mental health issues because of these things.

But I want kids, and I obviously want them with my husband.

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[pearlsw]

Hi kelseyy,

These are very tough, and highly personal decisions one makes in life. May I ask, have you weighed both the positive and negative aspects of such a decision?

I must admit I am relieved, at times, that I do not have kids with my partner... .but I think... .I may have set the bar too high in life on this point. I had such a wonderful dad that... .I don't know... .there are lots of reasons I have not chosen to have children despite really liking them.  At other times I wish I had just met my partner at an earlier point in life... .it may have been easier if I had more chance to be a positive influence in his life, hard to say.

This is a very serious choice and one that is also time sensitive. Can you imagine it all at, having a child with him? How does he feel about this decision? Do you feel that by working with some of the tools here you could have a chance to help create a more livable situation?

Can others please help us here with this topic?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[LegioXX Victrix]

My own experience was this... .I have two children with a dxBPDxw. I am thankful for them everyday. But I was told by My ex’s therapist to not have any children with her, the therapist forgot to tell me she was BPD. My kids have been through hell (abuse, neglect, and the center of a four year court fight), but are safe now.

[SweetCharlotte]

It is important to know your H's feelings about this. Does he want children? Now or later? Do his feelings change on the subject, or does he have a stable point of view? Did you discuss this together before you were wed?

If he definitely wants children and is certain of that, I would be more inclined to start discussing it. However, if he is against it, that would be different.

My uBPDh never had biological children. In his first marriage (in his 30s) he was unaware that his wife could not have them until after they broke up. Their marriage was never stable enough financially and otherwise for them to consider having kids, so her inability to bear children was a moot point anyway.

When he and I got together, I had my two kids from before. He was thrilled to become a step-parent to my son and "social Dad" to my donor-conceived daughter, who had been calling my ex-husband Dad simply because her older brother did so (she thought that his name was ":)ad".

Of course, complications ensued. He has a hard time when my daughter in particular rejects his authority or criticizes him. She is extremely bright, and has quickly grown disenchanted with him. It's hard to tell, but I believe that deep down she loves him. However, she is not committed to radical acceptance of him like I am. It's hard for a child to be radically accepting of a parent, especially a step-parent who wasn't around for the first six years of her life, and who lives far away (we have a commuter marriage). Her behavior also counteracts my radical acceptance of him; he can't understand why I can't "guide" her behavior (he knows not to use the word "control," but that is what he wants). So it all has a negative impact on our marriage. I often have to choose to support him or her, and I refuse to do anything that would harm her development. This leads to long periods of No Contact with him.

So the issues you raise are quite valid. Sensitivity to a child's needs are not part of the BPD way of life. You will do all the work in emotional terms and most of the childcare. However, many single moms do all of this, and they manage fine.

Inheritance of a predisposition to BPD or related disorders is another issue. I believe that deep down my uBPDh did not prioritize having biological offspring because he feared their inheritance of serious tendencies toward mental illness in his family. He does not admit to having BPD, but he is estranged from all his siblings and is convinced that some have mental illnesses, and that their deceased Mom was mentally ill. One brother probably had schizophrenia (he killed himself in his 50s).

I am concerned about his constant video-game watching. Can he be treated for this? This is a very life-impacting obsession.

[Wolfsocks]

I tried to have children with my former partner and I am so glad it wasn't successful... .it would have tied me to her permanently. Without children I could leave without many legal implicatons and I am so grateful for that.

[No-One]

Hi kelseyy:

When he is not working he wants his time to be only doing things HE enjoys. Unfortunately for me, we don't enjoy much of the same things. The only thing he enjoys is playing video games and don't even try to talk to him while he is playing video games its guaranteed to turn into a huge rage.
 
I am scare he is going to be absent from the child's life, in the same home but unavailable.
I am scared that he is going dysregulate and take things out on the child.
I am scared that he is going to put all the responsibility on me because he is so afraid of failure.
I am scared that the child will pick up these behaviors.
I am scared he is going to have the black and white, splitting thinking and then the child will constantly be seeking approval from their dad, but will most likely never get it.
I am scared he will feel threatened by the child's normal behavior, and retaliate.
I am scared that he won't be able to love them unconditionally, and will withdraw love when the disobey something, express their anger, feelings, thoughts or opinions.

The list of things you are scared about are things that you would have to radically accept as things that are likely to happen.  We can't change other people. We can only accept them for what they are and anticipate that the behaviors we have seen in the past are the ones we will see in the future.

Children don't make a relationship easier.  It usually poses more opportunity for controversy.  A selfish person doesn't make a good parent.  A partner who only wants to spend spare time doing what he wants to do would likely be a very selfish parent and might get jealous of children. 

In the decision making process, you might want to think about the pros and cons, from the perspective of a child (in addition to pros and cons for both you and your partner).  How were things with your own father?  Would you have liked to have a father with your husband's traits?  Can you list any traits your partner has that would make him a good father? 

It could be helpful for you to schedule a few personal sessions with a counselor (one on one, without your partner).  You could talk through your above list of what you are scared of.  Can you live with the worst case scenario, with all your fears becoming a reality? With you acting like a sole caretaker of the children (while your partner plays games).

[Radcliff]

Hi Kelseyy, I'm sorry that you're facing such tough questions, but am glad that you've found this community.  I have three children with my uBPDw.  We met when we were teenagers, and married in our mid twenties.  I didn't find out about BPD until they were in elementary school and middle school.

All of your concerns are valid.  But let me say that you are far ahead of where I was, to understand about BPD and be thinking about these things before conceiving children.  Whichever way you decide, you are in much better shape than I was.  For years, I was experiencing the BPD turbulence without understanding what was going on.

26 is still very young.  You've got some time to talk with your husband and work with the tools you can learn here (check out the right sidebar).

Let us know if you're reading these replies.  It would be great if we could get some of the women with BPD husbands and small children to help us out on this thread.  If you're still with us, I can ask a couple of them to join us.

Best,

WW

[isilme]

Been with my BPD H since we were 19 - no kids.  I think the polite term is "Child Free by Choice"  CFBC. 

I did not learn about BPD until about 10 years later, and we were very slow in getting married, at our 20th anniversary.  By about age 30, I was working to accept that we would likely never have kids.  We did not marry till I was 39, and 40 is too scary an age to me to even try, even if BPD was not in the picture.  My mother had lots of uterine issues, I have had some of the same problems, and don't want a bunch of miscarriages to assault my psyche or H's.  H's health has also taken a hit as he was just diagnosed with diabetes and been passing kidney stones this past year.  He's on the young side for all of this at 40 himself, and it's been taking a toll on me.  I can't imagine what it'd be like helping him through this with a child to also consider.  I guess I would never sleep. 

I am a childhood survivor of living as an only child with 2 BPD parents.  I had no one to turn to about the crazy in my house, I thought a lot of it was my fault, and even things I thought were normal and okay, really were not. 

To be bluntly honest, H at age 26 is not someone I'd have wanted as a father for my children - he was too uncertain, too volatile, too erratic.  I'd not found any tools to work on improving things on my end, and so the feedback loop of his BPD and my codependency was just bad at times.  I was starting to see a mirror of some of the things he actaully helped me get out of - it's a far lesser order of magnitude, H's dysfunction, but it was enough for me to worry about many items on your list.

• Could he refrain from a crazy rage day in and out dealing with a child whose emotional control would be even less than his own
  Would he put us in that same Kaprman Triangle in which I was raised?
  Would he end up engaging in mind-games, even unintentionally, competing for love and affection from both me and a child, trying to come out on top in both cases?

H was adamant about not wanting kids for a long time.  So I just kinda passed on that as a life goal.
 I have my own fears that my instincts are not "en point" about when a child is supposed to take on certain tasks and chores, based on my own warped upbringing, I am scared I'd either repeat my parents' mistakes, or make brand news ones trying too hard to not make the same ones.  Smother instead of neglect.  Have unrealistic expectations based on what I was asked to do for myself (alarm clock and get own breakfast and to school by 5, cook parts of dinner by 7, all of dinner cooked alone by 10, etc). 

H has improved a lot in the last decade.  If he was emotionally then what he is now... .I'd think about it.  If I was younger, if his health was better, I'd think maybe we could try it and work on doing our best.  But he has himself admitting he is behind where he should be at age 40.  He is more aware and more open about talking about how he knows he's been behind in adulting.  If we were in the same place financially, and emotionally 10 years ago, kinda may have been on the table.  Now?  I fear I will resign to being a cat-mommy.  It's not that I have HUGE regrets.  H has finally started expressing his regrets about it, not having kids, and even admitted it was his slowness at growing up that made most of the decision for us.  I am about 75% okay with it.  I don't' dwell on it.  I have a friend who cannot have kids for medical reasons, and she is younger and actually would have liked to have kids, so I know there are lots of people for many reasons refraining.  I try to be a surrogate aunt to the kids our friends have, and make them toys and would like to teach them my silly crafting skills one day - may never happen, but it's one of the things that DOES get me a bit sad.  I kinda think I loved my potential children so much I never conceived them because I was so scared I'd hurt them or enable themt o be hurt

You are 26 - I think it's good to be aware of this now, when you have a little time to come to a decision if kids are something you need in your life, how much you'd regret it if you choose to not have them.  Your eyes are open early on - this is good. 

[Radcliff]

Hi kelseyy, there are some good insights on this thread so far.  The cautions are well represented, but I'm not sure the benefits of kids are.  I could gush for a long time about how wonderful my kids are.  I can't imagine not having had them.  But what would really be great is if we could get some women to post who have had kids with their BPDh.  I think their perspective would be many times more helpful than mine.  Keep checking back!

WW

[Lakebreeze]

Hi Kelseyy!
You are facing a huge question and I'm impressed that you are taking the time to really think this through. I'll put in my two cents here.
I have been married for 6 years. We have 4 kids and a 5 on the way. I found out about my husband's BPD this spring... .so you are way ahead of me when it comes to learning about how to best deal with BPD. I also chose to have the 5th baby fully understanding that my husband has undiagnosedBPD.
Have you talked about kids? Does he want kids? This is really important. Did he marry you knowing that you wanted kids? Spend some time thinking about the things he would be really good at as a Dad.
First I had to decide if I wanted to be married to him. A fully accepting free choice decision. It sounds like you already made this decision.
Then I had to weigh the impact on the kids. This is not an exact science. Does he say things I wish he wouldn't sometimes? Sure. But he can also be a really great Dad. He loves them so much. I am sure that there are parents out there who don't have BPD who are far worse than he is. I think it comes down to accepting that he is human. Holding him accountable for what he is accountable for and showing mercy whenever I can. And in the hard days reminding myself about the things that make him a great dad. The stuff he does really well.
I don't regret having a family with him. Some days it's really hard. I have a few days where I wonder why I chose this. But I think that is part of any marriage and any parenting partenership
Very best wishes as you make this tough decision!

[Turkish]

SweetCharlotte brings up a good point,  maybe the most important: what are your husband's feelings about this? That being said, your concerns are valid.  I'd think similarly.

It isn't to minimize how you feel at all,  but rather to get perspective on the future,  as well as respecting how he feels (and I'll add radical acceptance about your relationship). He will be their father,  and you will be their mother.  You are also his wife, and he your husband,  a relationship that is with or without kids.  Meaning,  it's the primary r/s upon which rests the family.