Returning fire; anger gone wrong?

[OptimismRules]

Okay so last night, my uBPDgf and I go out to dinner at a pub. With trepidation, since two drinks usually makes her a bit angry and out of control, I went. good news is she only had two drinks, bad news is the bartender knows us and her second drink came in a metal container and seemed to be the equivalent of 3 drinks.  Naturally that resulted in her getting obnoxious on the way home and being very critical of me for telling a joke (that she didn't apparently hear right as she had the wrong topic.

I had only had a drink and a beer with dinner over the course of 2.5 hours, so I wasn't buzzed. but when she started criticizing for the first time mostly, I lost my cool. When she commented, "telling stupid jokes makes you look stupid and makes me look stupid too" (I get the invalidation element of her statement and should have reacted appropriately to that... .however), I snapped back, "the only thing that is really stupid is you when you have too much to drink. You get out of control and say stupid ridiculous things."

She, of course, positively reinforced my snapping, by immediately cleaning up her act. Duh?  I added a few more comments about the issue, probably because I was a bit angry from a couple of nights ago, when she went on an anti-Jewish tirade worthy of the Fuhrer ( I had a 10 year relationship previously with a woman who was half Jewish and my current GF always makes nasty comments about one of her own closest friends who is Jewish and whose behavior sometimes bothers her( yeah I get it).

so I wonder:

How much damage might I have done by snapping at her?  will she likely act out to pay it back or will this go away quietly? (she tried to be very sweet and accomodating after that). Can any good come out of this?  I don't feel terrible or guilty about snapping, but I know it wasn't the response I wanted to give or should have given. ... and I learned something from it.

The other question I have is:  by snapping, did I give her the abuse she was used to in her family previously? and will she be working to get me to engage in more abuse (not happening, but sometimes we feel we got to defend ourselves and I've put up with a lot of criticism. I do intend to explain to her ultimately my boundaries around this topic, of her criticizing me, soon.

Trying to find a way to survive and help out the relationship (and her to the extent I can).

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[pearlsw]

Hi OptimismRules,

Sounds like you made a mistake in choosing to talk to her in unkind way, and that you "learned from it." If you argue, you're gonna get into argument, that's pretty much how it works. You do not have to take verbal abuse and insults though. BPD or not, getting into it with someone who is drunk is also pretty pointless.

I think it was back in October, after trying and trying to follow proper communication rules I slipped up in a moment of anger. I really didn't care for that short amount of time, and well, I paid for it. In my case my partner does not have a good memory so he tends to let certain things go by default. In your case, I'm guessing, you could be hearing about this for quite awhile.

Perhaps "the good" that can come out of this is that now you have a friendly reminder to go back and review tools such as validation and this piece on Arguing: Do not Engage which might also be a helpful way to reground yourself: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0

We can all slip, but I'd suggest going back and recommitting to using the tools here.

How might you handle this situation differently now that you have more time to think clearly?

[Radcliff]

Hi OptimismRules,

Yup, you slipped.  You shouldn't have snapped at her.  Don't overthink it.  If she throws it at you later, apologize and move on.

In addition to the link pearlsw gave you, you might want to check out this one one how not to JADE.  By learning how not to contribute to drama, you really can make some big improvements in how things are going for you and your girlfriend.

WW