After Breakup Attacks

[pest]

Hi,

I started a new topic because now it is something new that I have to deal with. My BPD GF left me suddenly and painted me like I am a demon from hell. Abuses my emotions in every chance. When I get happier and stronger she does something. I will list them here to make it clear:
- We were living in the same home she left, when she is stronger and about to have long business trip abroad.
- She didnt took her stuff but talked with landlord to give the flat back so I struggled to find new place
- My important stuffs are in her family house she didnt bring them back said forgot so she will bring one month later
- I found somewhere to move I said her that I can pick her up from airport and can give the keys she doesnt want she said I can give later
- She is very very cold never ever like this and she do something around every 4 days to decrease my emotions
- If I send her something good which proves that I am emotionally strong she do something to hurt me
- She behaves me like I am total stranger and feels enormous amount of power.

Why she is doing these things? Why she wants to hurt my emotions, I try to keep up myself and I am nice to her but I dont understand why she has these behaviours, and I dont know how to deal? How should I deal with her?

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi pest,

I am sorry to hear about the painful emotions you are dealing with here - are you broken up or in the middle of a break up crisis or uncertain about where things are heading?

I hear that you are feeling very confused about her behaviors and trying to make sense of them. Have you had a chance to read up on "Understanding your partner's behaviors"? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704926#msg12704926  There is a lot of information here to consider to help you make sense of things... .and hopefully other members will weigh in as well with their own insights and support.

Do I understand correctly that you now have your own place to live? And that she is holding some of your personal belongings?

You ask "how should I deal with her?" The only thing I can add for now is that it is important to treat other people with integrity... .in the long run you will likely feel better knowing you did not try to manipulate or make unnecessary drama with others. If this is a break up then it can be coordinated in terms of a return of property, etc. and you can work with us here (in any case) to deal with the emotional fallout.

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[pest]

Hi,

It is obviously a break-up as she requested. But I dont understand why she makes my life difficult while everything seems perfect for her. I am treated by her like demon from hell. My feelings hurt a lot but I got better I work on myself, every-time she sabotage my emotions. I didnt know that she can be that much selfish. I realize that when she meet with new people she creates we/them. This is a very common behavior of her. So I am from "them" now.

[Meili]

Hey pest. 

Let's stop for a moment and talk about long term vs. short term goals. Repairing a relationship with a pwBPD is not something that happens quickly. It takes a lot of time and patience and a lot happens along the way.

Finding the strength and growth needed to do so can be extremely rewarding however.

Are you invested enough in her to make the long term commitment?

[pest]

Hey pest. 

Let's stop for a moment and talk about long term vs. short term goals. Repairing a relationship with a pwBPD is not something that happens quickly. It takes a lot of time and patience and a lot happens along the way.

Finding the strength and growth needed to do so can be extremely rewarding however.

Are you invested enough in her to make the long term commitment?

Hi Meili,

Actually yes, we shared the life like almost like a marriage. Lately I was a bit frustrated and a bit of colder because she was doing cold (not a lot). I am also thinking of that I may lost attractiveness in her eyes but It cannot happen that quick maybe yes. Actually very difficult to estimate what is going on. I have no idea how should I talk to her when she contacts me. She is very cold in the same time she is very strong even if she struggles because of this. It was always like this before, I always had to create some excusing situation for her to contact me to meet. This is very tiring. My capabilities increased a lot during this relation, I learnt a lot and developed because it is difficult.

Anyway, we have created fair entertaining life together not with my absolute care and dependency. I dont think she can easily get a replacement. Nowadays It is difficult to catch this one with people. All of us dated a lot but attached and could created something with very rare ones.

The problem is, for women is quite easy to catch somebody which morelikely to fail. Afterall, how I will feel this is a big question. I am getting much better day by day, not comparable to my first 2 weeks. I know, almost everything depends on her and getting out of this will take a quite a long time for both of us.

I am not doing NC and this kind of BS dont contact if not necessary but I dont want to give myself hope if she will come back after some certain period of no contact. The biggest thing which struggles me a lot that, I cannot understand her emotions and behaviors. I am not able to empathy, she like she is on drugs. Suddenly have absolute new friends and absolute new life.

[Meili]

I bet that it was very tiring. It probably wasn't very emotionally healthy for you either?

Maybe one of the woman can comment on this, but I would argue that it is just as easy for men to attract women as it is the other way around. Men just need to be confident and caring without being arrogant or a doormat. The first two are highly attractive qualities.

You mentioned struggling with being empathetic with her. Is it because you don't understand her changes? If so, then perhaps you are looking at the wrong thing to be empathetic about. In the article Empathetic Listening and Active Listening it is explained that:

Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point of view -- it extends to understanding why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and fair.

We typically struggle with this because we are so locked into looking at things from our perspective that we cannot see them any other way.

Could that be what is happening for you?

[pest]

Hi Meili,

Actually, I was not very well prepared too. It was my first relationship that I shared same home with a woman. However It was quite tough for the first one obviously I made mistakes too but not fatal ones. Even when she made fatal ones she doesnt really feel regret she feels but it is different how me and people around me feels like.

I realised she feels pain somehow because of her decision but she is an adult she pretends to be strong with her decision even if she suffers but why? Now I will manupulate her feelings soon because I overcomed much sooner than I expected.

Anyway I realised her personality is very strong and very fragile in the same time. And she always need validation of others to be feel good. Actually I think now she trapped with her plan. But why someone do this to herself? This is insane.

I am not attracted and in to her after I overcome this horrible depression. However if I will somehow get her back I want look her mistakes and I will try to take her to terapist. No matter what with me or not nobody deserves to live like this. And she is like a planted bomb to destroy somebody's emotions.

Anyway I am seeing some girls and having affair without sexuality so if she will not work I will go jump immediately. This is very devastating and tiring. But if I will have a chance I will help, and this relationship made me a lot stronger than I could be.

Lastly she only left with facebook so she just delete photos of places we have been day by day and posts pictures to facebook. Looks so poor. At least she doesnt have so many things to hurt me.

[Meili]

Understanding your partner's behaviors can be hard. But, when you remember that their intense emotions are in play, things start to make more sense. Regret creates feelings of shame, and since pwBPD have rejection sensitivity, it is hard for them to look at such things. It also explains the seemingly constant need for validation.

If you have any desire to have a relationship with her in the future, it will be helpful to you to learn all that you can about the disorder.

[pest]

Understanding your partner's behaviors can be hard. But, when you remember that their intense emotions are in play, things start to make more sense. Regret creates feelings of shame, and since pwBPD have rejection sensitivity, it is hard for them to look at such things. It also explains the seemingly constant need for validation.

If you have any desire to have a relationship with her in the future, it will be helpful to you to learn all that you can about the disorder.

Hi Meili,

Things started get better I feel. She started to communicate with me. My nerves now strong as a rock. I am in quite controlling situation. I gave her the feeling that she lost me, she will if she wont act accordingly. I am not cold to her but only talk her as I talk to my male friend. I will bring one letter to her in the same manner when I move out. She wanted to meet with me tomorrow but I refused.

I want her to recyle her feelings because I invested her a lot. I dont think somebody invested like this without being needy at all. So she will understand soon or later I beleive.

My plan is to take her to teraphist with me when I win this warfare. I realised her emotions are like drug sometimes makes her strong sometimes opposite. So being strong, patient and understanding her I think the key.

I like this challange, made me a better person than ever.

[pest]

Okay, now things started to make sense. My girlfriend obviously doing splitting. She has new friends who are single as she starts to talk to me she idealizes them. When she is with them or when she talk about them she talk as we. She stopped talking with old friends and I am one of the victim of this process.

Worse is I think I am codependent she is aware of it now. I am not that much painted black now, but still almost no hope she is like she doesnt feel anything to me. Everything is about the planned time she would like to spend with these girls.

Omg I have no idea how can I deal with it? Should I be in friendly mode with her (not in friendzone) or how should I deal with this behaviour?

Actually if I can save this relationship this broke up will be so good for me to make me realize what is going on. I am constantly reading to enhance myself.