15 months Marriage, 12 months and counting divorce

[PapaBeary]

Hello! I am just diving in here. It would take a million words to describe what has gone on in my relationship/divorce with a possible BPD ex. The most hellish psychological nightmare I could conceive, mainly due to my 3 year old son stuck in the middle. I am anticipating a chime from my smart phone at any time, to let me know the latest distorted, accusatory email has arrived. I exchanged my son tonight with my wife to highly charged accusations against me. Once again, he showed signs of trepidation of returning to his mother, but was putting on a brave face. Once again he was screaming as she started on her anxiety fueled berating of his father and grandmother, as she stuffed him in his car seat. Maybe my BPD ex is calling the police now reporting I am stalking her on the highway, while I sit hear in in front of the computer. Perhaps she is talking into her smartphone, while my son listens in, posting on facebook how traumatized she is by her drunk, violent, mentally ill ex. I hope to find some validation and perhaps helpful advice from continued posting to this site. Just reaching out from the void seems to be a good first step. Thanks for reading.

[Skyhawk]

Good evening,

I cannot offer as much advice as many here, as I am relatively new as well. However, I have recently been through what you are going through. One thing that stood out to me is your anticipation and anxiety over possibly receiving another nasty email from your ex. I was going through the same thing, receiving anywhere from 8-12 emails daily, plus multiple texts and phone calls. I was nearly at the end of my rope, when my son's therapist said something groundbreaking:

"Why don't you just mute her phone number?"

Even understanding my ex's illness, I still fell into this trap where I felt I had to respond to everything she sent me. Hearing the therapist say something so simple, yet seemingly radical, made me realize I was still being manipulated even after the divorce.

So I set my phone to not alert me when she sends me an email, and muted her calls and texts. I make it a point to check my email from once daily, and I don't respond until the next day. I also do not respond to any texts, and do not answer phone calls.

Slowing down the rate of our communication has drastically reduced my anxiety level. When I get a notification on my phone, I KNOW without a doubt that it isn't her. She eventually caught on that I was deliberately waiting 24 hours to respond, and began doing the same thing (she thinks she is somehow punishing me). After a couple months, I now get less than one email per day, and no more bombardment of phone calls and texts.

As for the rest of your post, all I can say is keep carrying on. Others will likely be along to give more in depth advice, but mine is to just keep living your life. My ex has made (and sometimes still makes) my life hell, but I've detached enough to know that she is only a small part of my life. I have a job, a great family, two kids and a new relationship with a great (and stable!) woman. My ex is like that mosquito that won't leave you alone, but you just can't seem to squash it. All you can do is keep brushing it away when it lands on you.

If you can keep your cool, others will start seeing both of you for what you are. I was able to stay level headed when my ex was threatening suicide, carving words into her legs with a razor, telling our kids that I was taking them away from her, setting my son's clothes on fire in the backyard while he watched, and moved the kids in with a random guy she met on Craigslist. In the end, EVERYBODY was able to see her for what she was, in spite of all the horrible things she claimed I had done. Her family, the court system, her boyfriends, and even her attorney were firmly on my side, many offering to testify against her. As the emotionally stable one, you need to remain calm through it all. It is tough, because they will constantly do more outlandish things, trying to get you to break. But eventually they give up. There will always be random blowouts and wild accusations (my ex won't let our kids see her sister because she thinks we were dating), but you just learn to laugh at them and move on. It gets easier with time and practice.

I make it a point to not treat my kids any differently than I would if mom were still around and healthy. I believe they need consistency, particularly in a situation like this. No matter what craziness is going on with mom, and what horrible things she is saying about me, they will always know what to expect with me. In time, they will pick up on things. That being said, I have to make an effort to be a little more nurturing than comes naturally to me, particularly with my son. It hurts me to know that he won't get the same love from his mother that I did from mine. I guess we just have to do our best for our kids, and hope that one day they will see what was really going on.

Anyway, best of luck!

[flourdust]

Welcome, PapaBeary! Truly, watching your BPDex take out her emotions on your kids is one of the most awful aspects of these relationships.

You're posting to the Family Law & Divorce board ... .are you two divorced or somewhere in the process? What kind of parenting plan do you have?

[livednlearned]

Hi PapaBeary,

It takes some real effort to calm jangled nerves so you aren't in an anxiety freefall all the time. I hope posting here can help you find your way back to some semblance of sanity.

I know how overwhelming it can feel when there is a sweet child involved. Maybe describe one or two things going on so it doesn't feel so overwhelming. People here are amazing and the collective wisdom can make a real difference.

Skyhawk's advice to mute the phone is excellent    Is that something you can do?

I had all of my ex's emails forwarded to a friend. She would decide what I needed to respond to. This was a temporary fix that helped me depersonalize a bit from the constant abuse and drama. I was waking up with a pulse of 100 before I even got out of bed and needed to get a grip.

Do you have a custody order in place?

[takingandsending]

Hi PapaBeary and welcome to bpdfamily.

I have to say that the day I accidentally put my wife on Do Not Disturb on my iPhone was one of the best mistakes I have made on my phone. Really recommend it for taking the walking on eggshells reactivity down a notch. There's a lot of support and help on this site. Let us know more about where you are at in your divorce/custody process and how we can help. Sometimes, just having validation for the crazy stuff we deal with is enough.

[ForeverDad]

I had a high conflict divorce and due to the tensions and allegations at exchanges, our order stated that in-person exchanges were to be at the local sherriff's office where a deputy was always present.  In the early years he never wanted to return to his mother.  One night he was tired, sleepy, squirming to get back to me.  Naturally, she accused me, "What did you do to him?"  I had nothing to reply since he was trying to get away from her!  I had Accepted that I couldn't reason with her any more... .look up JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  The plain fact is a pwBPD or other acting-out PD won't listen.

Some here decided that in self defense they would be wise to record exchanges and other contact, just in case the ex made a complaint or allegation later.  Of course, that meant we couldn't ever be recorded saying anything the least bit aggressive or threatening.  I always made sure I behaved angelic, as though a judge or evaluator were listening over my shoulder.  Also, I never ever waved a recorder in my ex's face.  I kept it all very low key, recorder out of sight in a pocket, I didn't want to trigger an incident.

[PapaBeary]

First I want to thank you all for the insite full reply's to my post. It feels good knowing that there is support out there from strangers, linked by a common struggle.

Skyhawk, Thank you for sharing some of your experiences, it sounds like you have lived through a very traumatic relationship. I have changed the notification ringtone on my phone to one that was less jarring on my nerves, but that did not help. And just now, I changed her notification tone to silent. I feel like I will continue to look at my phone screen for the icon signaling a possible arrival of another train wreck, but it will be nice to not hear that tone from across the living room or shop and have my anxiety spike. Thanks!

flourdust, I separated from my ex 12 months ago. We both moved into our respective parents houses, and she kept my son with her, allowing me relatively short, but consistent time with my son. Oh boy... I am about to launch into a comprehensive history of my separation/ relationship. No one has time for that right now, so I will stick to the topic. The current court approved temporary parenting plan gives me about 27% time, daycare 9% time, and the remainder is with my ex. I signed it on the recommendation from my lawyer so we would at least have something in writing, then at the final trial we will explain that we agreed for this reason and did not agree with the terms of the plan. I spent about 6 hours on two different meetings with my lawyer in her lawyers office, trying to get any kind of compromise from my ex on the parenting plans she proposed. She seems incapable of compromise and has to control every aspect of the situation. My ex has a legal assistance layer and pays no legal fees, which seems to enable her to increase the amount of litigation this seemingly uncomplicated divorce requires. To add to this, she will not be in the same room as me and two lawyers, so her lawyer had to travel back and forth between rooms the entire time. This was the same situation in mediation, and that went no were as well. For the first 5 months I had no overnights with my son, initially it was because she was still breastfeeding and refused to pump. Then it morphed into accusations that I was too dangerously intoxicated to care for him overnights. She required me to have a Liscenced Drug and Alchohol evaluation before overnights would occur. I had a LADC compleated by a overqualified phsycologist that does many evaluation of this sort for the state. They came back that he didnt have the state liscencing that they wanted, even though he was liscenced by the american association of psychology, and I could have argued that he was grandfathered into not needing the state liscensing. So
 I had a second LADC performed and was deemed to not have any issues. I have my son every other weekend from friday late afternoon until sunday late afternoon. I pick him up on tuesday afternoon from daycare, and my ex picks him up from my house Wednesday morning from my mothers care. It was originally Tuesday 3:30 to 7pm, but the GAL basically forced my ex to let me have my son overnight. My ex is very angry about having to drive to my house to pick up my son. My parents have had to call the police to file a report after one particularly angry berating by my ex(while holding my son in her arms), she would not leave after being asked about 15 times, calmly, to leave and that there would be no disscusion in front of my son. I think she is trying to act so badly that we break and drive in to meet her. Thursdays I pick him up from day care at 3:30 and have to drive him about to a store 2 minutes from her house for the drop off at 7pm. On my ex's weekends, I have my son 10:45 to 5:15 while she works. This and the thursday parenting time are particular problimatic because it creates too many transitions. The transitions have become much worse in the last few months. My son has become reistant to putting his jacket on, getting in the car seat, and consistently telling me, and his mother as he is exchanged, that he doesn't want to go with her. A scary thing to tell some one who has a intense fear of abandonment. We live about 26 minutes apart, and the exchanges on the parenting plan are based on her convenience, either close to her house or her work. Always at a store parking lot, closest to the entrance as possible and over 5 spaces apart. This is for her "safety", when actually my ex frequently acts combative in front of my son, berating me or my mother. My wife got the court to restrain me from going into her house or place of work on the parenting plan. She has accused me of threatening her at exchanges so I have had my mother come with me as a witness. Of course now my mother is in the cross hairs of her distortion campaign and rage. Yes, there was a domestic violence petition filled my my ex 3 months after the separation, based on complete distortions of arguments we had during our marriage and one fabricated event after the separation. The judge dismissed the petition. The agreement she wanted me to sign if the petition was found valid was so restrictive and insane, I shudder to think of the consequences if the judge had believed her crocodile tears on the stand.

Wow. Thats all I have in me for tonight.

[livednlearned]

Wow, glad you had a good judge who saw what was going on! That's a close call.

Do you live in one-party consent state? At the very least, hopefully you can record the transitions to make sure there's a way to de-fang the false allegations.

What about moving transitions to a police station?

Have to admit being concerned about your L's lack of assertiveness... .temporary parenting plans have a way of becoming permanent. Judges figure if it could be agreed to once, then why not keep it up long-term. Will you have the same judge going forward?

I can see where your L is coming from, and this doesn't mean you have a full-blown lemon, only that Ls sometimes don't have the assertiveness necessary for high-conflict cases, and so we, as their bosses, have to step up and make sure goals are clear, and there is a strategy with tactics to reach that goal. For example, if your goal is to get majority custody, even if your L says that's not likely at first, with a BPD mother it can be something that happens down the road. So you focus on the long game, knowing that her decompensation is all but inevitable and you just have to get it documented.

What kind of custody arrangement do you think is best for your son?

[PapaBeary]

Foreverdad, I did look up JADE, and found the "out of the fog" website. I have been mostly successful to remain calm and go against the instinct to fire back or justify. I know from our relationship nothing will hold back the tide, and these things will only make things worse. It seems to me that the only way to keep my x from acting out is to obey her every whim to the T, and to also anticipate and actively mitigate the thousands of things that historically set off an extreme response from her. This is impossible, and a thankless job to boot.

livednlearned, I live in a two party consent state unfortunatly. I have talked to my L about asking her permition to be recorded, figuring this would keep her from acting hostile in front of my son, and prevent false accusations. He said we could ask for that, but was concerned it would be turned around on us to make us look like the intimidating, stalking, irrational party that my x is trying to paint me as. My X has turned everything around on me in the interrogatory answers, and Letters to the GAL to accuse me of things that in actuality she is doing. While this tactic will likely keep my X on her best behavior during exchanges, from the research I have done on the internet, my L's reservations are not unfounded. Its difficult because my X is articulate, charismatic, and seemingly convinced of the alternate reality she has built against me. I will say that if one were to secretly record the exchanges, it would make it easy to transcribe exactly what was said. Unfortunately, this is still hearsay in the eyes of the court.

We could move to police stations, It might require a court order to get my X to go along. Right know it is at 2 different stores. Nothing like being front and center at a convenience store entrance with my little boy, my mother as a witness, and my X berating us about something, even pulling random passerby's into the craziness. There is no reason that we couldn't exchange at each others driveways, back and forth. I think this would be the best situation for my son. As he gets older, it seems disfunctional to bring him to convience stores or police stations to do the exchanges.

I have been concerned of my L's lack of assertiveness as well. He has worked with this family court system for a long time, and has a very pragmatic approach to the whole process. He seems to know what things are going to work and what might not work so well for us. Its a very frustrating long haul. We finally got my X to agree to a GAL about 6 months ago. Since then my X has been stalling the process as much as possible. The GAL has been stymied by the accusations back and forth, and I feel that the GAL has not been proactive enough in figuring what is going on. I have supplied huge amounts of emails, texts, some audio of my son, journals, police reports, etc. I feel that the GAL is very busy, and waits until days before the pretrial conference to call references. The first PTC the GAL asked for a 60 day extension. The second PTC the GAL preliminary report was brief. It brought up some of my X's accusations, but did not address any of my issues with her behavior. Also she got my name, my sons name and birth date wrong. It was insulting after waiting 5 months for it. She did recommend having a parenting assessment done with psychological evaluations. I have been working with my lawyer to get the ball rolling on this, and then the GAL emailed us that she was going to hold off for now on that because she finally got my X's permission to talk to her therapist (6 months after the initial requests for releases). Now the GAL can continue and talk to the respective therapists. My X had specifically stated in a PTC that she did not want a psychological evaluation or her mental health records release. In her interrogatory answers she pleaded the 5th, etc, on releasing her mental health history, and substance abuse history. Since this is family court, pleading the 5th can be brought up and used against you regarding your transparency.

I am quite even keeled, and I don't hate my X or wish any ill will to her. I do honestly feel that my sons development will be negatively affected by my  X's PD. My X has a teen age child and a pre teen. The teen is the Golden child, even though he did call 911 to alert them that his mother was abusing his sister and had marijuana in the house, but typically he takes her tirades with calmness, then checks out on his electronics. The pre teen is more strong willed, and absorbs large amounts of berating from my X for some behavior, then permissiveness with other behavior. My son is strong willed and I believe he will end up with psychological damage from the constant overreactions, unpredictability, and tirades from my X. I am going for primary custody with my X having him every other weekend and a weekday overnight. If the psychological evaluations are finally ordered, or the GAL finds enough from the therapists and any other references, I think I might have a shot at this. Other that that happening, it looks like a 50 50 split is more likely.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like the GAL is still a question mark.

I wonder if Dr. Craig Childress's ju-jitsu parenting stuff might help you communicate skillfully with her:

Ju-­jitsu Parenting: Fighting Back from the Down Position
C.A. Childress, Psy.D. (2013)

There are good GALs out there. Unfortunately, in many states they just have to have a pulse and they can do the work, often with very little training.

My L refused to go down the GAL route, but said yes to a parenting coordinator who was also a child psychologist (not all states have PCs, and not all PCs are psychologists), and insisted that whoever we assigned had to be considered by the court to be amongst the most reputable, even if she was tough.

If the GAL does not insist on a psychiatric evaluation, can you file a motion for one anyway?

[ForeverDad]

A sore point with me... .  Typically if one parent makes an allegation, then the accuser doesn't get scrutinized, only the accused does.  While I'm sure you would pass a quick psych eval, you really ought to want one that includes her too.  Your lawyer needs to speak up if things seem to go down that path then he needs to push for BOTH of you to get psych evals.  (Understand that it may not determine who is best to parent, usually that is left to an evaluation that digs deeper into what is best for the children, custody, etc.)

Related to that... .When we first separated the court ordered us both to get psych evals.  I complied (anxiety) but I never found out whether my ex complied.  My mistake was not telling my lawyer to hold back on providing the results but to instead tell the other lawyer, "We're ready to exchange the results."  Court heard my results but either she didn't go or she didn't share as she was supposed to.

[PapaBeary]

Hello again,
Currently I am waiting for the GAL to make a final decision on ordering parental assesments with psycological evals for the both of us. In spite of all the documentation I have provided, the GAL has proven much less assertive or able to get to the bottom of what is going on. It seem

[toomanydogs]

Hi PapaBeary!
  I have no advice to offer, just wanted to welcome you, and I wanted to mention that reading this thread and another re: PAS makes me want to fall my knees and kiss the ground that there are no children involved in this divorce.
  From my first marriage, I have grown children and now grandchildren and, on my own and with BPD H, way too many animals--all of whom have been affected by the divorce because of lack of money, but I don't have to worry about parental alienation, and I don't have to worry that a crazy man wants to stay in contact with any of us.
  Best of luck to you.  My heart is with you,
TMD