Difficult to let go, harder to stay.

[Sargeras]

I've tried to maintain a friendship with my BPDexgf who broke up with me 5 months ago and launched into a long distance relationship with someone else. She said that she wanted my friendship, but I just can't do it anymore. I want to punch a hole in a wall. I read checked her blog a week ago for the first time in awhile, and a few of the posts were her just gushing about her boyfriend- the way she used to gush about me. It's too painful being around her and not having the ability to touch her and talk to her the way I'd like to. 3 days ago, I told her as I dropped her off at her house that "I tried being friends, and just can't do it. I still have feelings for you". She was and is upset with me. She said "Thanks for leaving me in a time in my life where literally everything else is falling apart". I'm sure she feels abandoned. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm turning my back on somebody who needs me because I couldn't handle "just friendship".  

Her boyfriend lives several hundred miles away, and it makes me feel as though I'm her security blanket in between her excursions to go see him. I really thought I could just stick it out and have a good time with her, and eventually she would come back to me. Regardless of whether this was true, I feel like it's not doing my mental health any favors. I constantly strategized and kept my guard up, all in an effort to "win her back". A lot of my previous posts on this forum are reflecting in that nature. Somebody put it best when they told me "... .she gets to have her cake and eat it too". The last few weeks, she has showcased a lot of jealousy over my trying to get out and have more of a social life. I think the jealous stemmed less from attraction and more from she doesn't have me around as often as she'd like to tell her how wonderful she is. It was almost insulting to her that I was depositing my attention elsewhere. She tried to argue with me a few times over our former relationship, saying that she felt like she was a reject because I made a lot of positive changes only after we broke up.

The night I called it quits with her, I asked what her plans were for the future seeing as she can only see her boyfriend a handful of times during the month and it will remain that way for a long period of time. She responded "I'm going to have a long distance relationship with him until it can be a short distance one". It dawned on me that while this is her grand plan: I'm still taking her to the store, I'm still seeing her constantly, and I'm still trying to solve her problems when she comes to me with them- often times acting obnoxious and/or calling me names when I can't present a solution to her that she deemed sufficient. I really wasn't interested in engaging after she got like that. If I didn't pick up my phone, she would call back incessantly. I'd pick up to her sobbing, telling me "you don't care!".

Anyway, for the last 3 days I've felt like all of my energy has left me. I don't really want to do anything. She's still texting me. It's all just rude and mean with the intent of getting me to reply. She owes me some money, so I have to go to her house tomorrow to pick up a check.

I'm going to let her be. If she wants to have her boyfriend, I'm not going to be there to comfort her in between her trips. She can embrace her self-induced freedom.

As for me, I'm thinking of earlier times. I miss her.

[clytie]

Hello, my BPD ex left me 8 months ago and we had a divorce 2 months ago. We had been together since our teenage years (I'm 40). I know your pain. It's deep and very real. After his leaving, he had a period of confusion. First he was very cruel and blamed me for everything (even for his cheating. he said "You deserve to be cheated on and I'm giving you the greatest punishment: You will be without me for the rest of your life.). Then, he started to say I miss you but I don't want a future with you, and continue seeing other women. Finally, I called my lawyer (I had no other choice), which made him very very cruel again. 
When I look back, I realize that during the second phase (I don't want you but I can't lose you), they suck all of our life force (they are like energy vampires) , and if we don't go no contact, it is almost impossible for us to survive. Going complete NC is not easy. First, I blocked his callings (not hearing his voice and not thinking if he called me or not made me stronger.). Second, I blocked his messages. He tried to continue his manipulations via hurtful, angry messages before I blocked him. My last message was "You are not in my life any more. Don't disturb me. You have already made your choice." Finally, I blocked his whatsapp. This was the hardest because it was the last thing that connected us in some way. He was following my drawings and poems from my situation. It was like a closure to me.  NC also causes a lot of pain (we miss them/ we really start to accept that it's over) but when I consider its results, staying in contact causes more pain and prevents us from moving on/ letting go and making plans to start a new life.
My friend, I believe, we have already lost a lot of blood, now we should survive. And to survive we need energy, hope, clarity, rest... .
Good luck!   

[crushedagain]

Hi, Sargeras. You must really, really be strong because I don't know how you could still be friends with a woman you love who left you and started a relationship with another man. I could never do it, not in a million years. I don't even want to know what/who my ex is doing. It's too painful. It would be torture.

I think no contact, while extremely painful in its own right, is the only way to eventually find peace. I will admit I am still having quite a difficult time after 2+ months no contact, but I think it's getting a little better. I realize there is zero chance of a reconciliation, mostly because I have no trust in her whatsoever, and don't see a path where that could ever change. Once somebody lies to me, it can never be the same again. It's a painful reality.

Good luck to you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sargeras, Let me ask you a tough question: are you hoping for a recycle, if the opportunity should present itself?  If so, maybe you should do something to pursue it.  If not, I am uncertain why you are torturing yourself by trying to maintain a so-called friendship.  It sounds like you are trying to find a middle ground, which may prove unsustainable.

LuckyJim

[Shoct]

Lucky Jim, I saw you ask about wanting a recycle and, if so, pursuing so.

I miss my exBPD like crazy and I’m having crazy doubts that I cut it off too soon. Do you think recycling ever results in a permanent fix (ie, no more breakups/recycles)? I ask sincerely as i would do anything to stop this feeling of doubt and sadness.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shoct, No, the issues generally remain the same after a recycle, with the result that most of us who have done it (including me) wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  So, No, I don't recommend it, yet most of those in a BPD r/s will end up doing it.  Let's face it, most of us are slow learners when it comes to love and it can take a long time to really get one's head around BPD, which is extremely complex, as you are finding out.

LJ

[Sargeras]

Thank you everybody for your responses. It's very helpful speaking with others who have unfortunately had similar experiences.

LuckyJim-

There is still some part of me that wishes for reconciliation/recycle. I've done everything short of begging for her to come back. She knows how I feel, and I think that I was both making it easier for her to commit to her long distance relationship and doing damage to my mental health by sticking around and waiting for her.

She clearly wants to talk to me and enjoy my company, but she is also clearly into this other guy. Maybe after I've been gone for awhile she'll second guess her decision to break up and come back to me. Either way, I think I've done the wrong thing by hanging around. I am most definitely torturing myself and analyzing her every move. She doesn't seem to have any incentive to cut things off with her boyfriend while I'm here, and I just beat myself up while I wait for it to happen. I did try to take a deep breath and find some middle ground, but my resilience has proven to be weaker than I anticipated. It just sucks. So at this point, if she doesn't break up with him and come back to me, I guess that's that.

[Patusito]

Many thanks to all of you for posting and sharing such valuable insights and experiences. I had a long time to digest this horrid experience with a BPD woman.
I have come to the realization that some or at least my ex could only thrive on recycling whoever was in there lives. If you want to be there for a pwBPD and you have an emotional attachment then you are going down a terrible path that I going to drain you in every way possible. I apologize for my anger towards people with BPD but the damage that I absorbed was horrible. Let's put it this way, I have experienced "evil" and there is no other way for me to make sense of this.
Thank god I had some self respect left and cut that beast out of my life for good.
I burned all the presents she gave me and I said farewell in my own way while burning the stuff. Bye bye Satan

[Shoct]

hi Lucky Jim,

That is what I figured, thank you for responding. And it was critical for me to read, from you and all the others that have said the same thing. It is this fantastical notion, just as the initial love bomb seemed like a dream come true (however fake it might have been on the pwBPD's part), that somehow you can cure them of their fear of abandonment by loving them more than they been loved before.

Sadly, from my understanding, it sounds like this would never work, and the type of person that the pwBPD would paint black as it makes them fear exactly what you would never do--abandon them. 

What a horrendous mental illness this is.

[Shoct]

Hi Patusito,

Please. Write. More.

I have spent so much time reading about the illness itself and i have been wracked with guilt that i did exactly what they are most horrified of. Well, to be honest, she broke up with me in the most abrupt and upsetting way. But after several days she was kind of hedging her bets and gave me the 'i love you but... .' And 'I'm just so confused', as I am sure she is already seeing someone else.

I can put up with a lot, but the second trust and fidelity are trashed I am done.

Yet, admittedly I can't stop fantasizing that things might work out someday. Thus, again, why reading posts like yours gives me strength. And it helps me understand that I was emotionally abused by this lady, and no one should ever do that to anyone.

[Bo123]

Sargeras--You really hit the nail on the head when you said "It's she has her cake and is eating too".  Why would she want to change, this is working out great for HER and now she gets to blame YOU for everything and still have a boyfriend that she says she wants to get closer to.  She's hit the lottery and now hopes to get you to bite and come back to the place in her life SHE wants you to be no matter what you think or where you want to be and be upset at the same time.  BPD's can be masters at manipulation as they can turn off their feelings like light switch and we can't. Advantage:BPD.  It's tough to just be friends w/o another guy in the scene(that's playing with dynomite).  I spent a long time after the break-up trying to fix it, then trying to be friends, then just chat buddies and finally she went NC and I stopped trying.  She drained me of all the energy I had to help her feel better and now has a bf.  Again, Advantage:BPD.  Best of luck, its tough to find happy endings with a BPD.

[Lucky Jim]

I have spent so much time reading about the illness itself and i have been wracked with guilt that i did exactly what they are most horrified of. Well, to be honest, she broke up with me in the most abrupt and upsetting way.

Shoct: You have put your finger on one of the paradoxes of BPD: those who suffer from it will act in ways that bring about the exact opposite result from that which they are seeking.  E.g., they want to be loved and fear abandonment, but will push you away hard with their words and actions; they seek peace yet behave in ways that foster turmoil; they detest abuse, but will mistreat you in abusive ways; they want you to stay, but will do all they can to get you to break up with them; etc.  In other words, they repeatedly engage in self-sabotage.

Sargeras: Sorry to briefly hijack this thread.

LJ