just figured out my mother has BPD, and my dad has who knows what?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 34 years old. 34 YEARS OLD! I just figured out my mother has BPD. It makes SO MUCH SENSE. I used to say "my mother has Munchhausen by proxy, mental health addition." Finally, 3 weeks ago, my therapist friend and I figured it out. She has known me since we were 14. She knows my mother. Her mother was my first experience with a healthy mother, and my mother was her first experience with an unhealthy mother.

The loneliness I felt as a child, and teenager, and young adult. The depression. The suicide attempts as a 12, 13, and 14 years old. My mother overdosing me on mental health meds. My mother always being over the top. The PTA president. The most giving. The BEST mom. The intrusive mom. The mom who would follow you around and watch you do something wrong, and wait to spring the news on you. Open your mail. The not trusting mom. The mom who would randomly announce house rules like they had always been there, that would last maybe a week and then die. The mom who would lay in bed crying with 2 teenagers and 3 very young children (I'm number 4) saying "I'm such a bad mom" for days. The mom that would make the children spank her when they did something wrong because "she must be a bad parent."

I feel so bad for my mom! I do! I have tried for so so so long. I can't any more. I can't do it. The manipulation. The mind ___s. The intrusive questions. The doubting. The looks. The not caring. The caring too much. The fact that she mentally mind fudged my 8 year old son and now I have to protect him from her, and help him heal, because I let it happen! She tried to turn him against me. I think she told him to keep secrets. She manipulated him. Now he has severe anxiety and an adjustment disorder with severe separation anxiety from me. I thought she was helping me because I'm a single mother. As it turns out, she was just trying to poison another child. Because poisoning your 5 children is not enough?

I'm heartbroken. And this post might not make much sense. But oh my gosh, what the fudge! I've been thinking (for a long time) but more acutely for the last several weeks. My whole life has been affected by my mentally ill parents, my functionally mentally ill parents. The terrible relationships. The abuse I subjected myself to. The low self esteem. The innate feeling that I do not deserve good. I do not deserve love. I do not deserve friends.

Her 5 children no longer speak to her, myself being the last of the 5 to finally cut communication after I was left in a pile of tears on the floor unable to breathing screaming "why is she so awful? who could possibly be this terrible?" I had to block her on social media because seeing her with all of her "adopted families" being amazing and fun is too much. She seriously can not with her children but has families all over the country that she visits, people think she is amazing and that her children must be ungrateful and awful, just as she portrays us.

She showed up at my boyfriends work a week ago when I was out of town to "take him out to lunch" out of the blue. It is because I finally cut her off, she wants to try and play him against me. Just like she has done with my brother-ex-laws. Thankfully, my boyfriend can see toxic from a mile away and steers clear. She has however, played my brother-ex-laws like pawns.

Just last week she sent me this text "I know you have no faith or trust in me and for that I'm truly sorry! Please help me understand what it is I can do."

When I was 17 my therapist in the treatment center my mother sent me to for a nonexistent meth problem and antisocial personality disorder (she diagnosed me with both, I have never done meth) told me upon discharge after 8 months, "I have never said this to a client, I understand why you have developed the coping skills you have, for you they have been functional. I have also never said this to a teenage client, you have 2 options, and this is going to sound rough. 1) pretend that your parents are dead and move on with your life without them. 2) accept your parents as they are, they will never change, but keep your relationship completely superficial. Do not share anything with them because they will use it against you." I now know what he was saying. I understand it now. There is no way a 17 year old can understand that. I wish I would have chosen "pretend they are dead." But then my life would not be what it is now with my son and the people I know.

I seriously think it would take me years to write down all the nonsense we (my brother and sisters) went through as children. I am glad that I figured it out relatively early (34 years old). I am so so so sad that I let my mother try and poison my child. And now I have to try and fix it. I am sad that a sweet young child (me) felt so lonely, worthless, and empty, because I was a very sweet and awesome kid. I am sad for that sad little girl. And the teenager who made bad decisions. And the 20 something year old who obviously dated a sociopath who lied about everything and became abusive when she was pregnant. I am thankful that after giving birth I had a Epiphany, got the fudge out of that relationship, and knew that I needed to be a complete and whole person in order to raise another human being. unfortunately, my mother is the person who swooped in to save me from said abusive relationship. Therefore poisoning my child. We moved away from her when he was 4, but she continued to manipulate him. Well, no more. Her memory is fading. I have limited their contact since May of last year. But I will not allow her to affect my family the way she has any more.

This post is a hodgepodge. So many swirling thoughts in my head... .

[tvontheradio]

I am 34 years old. 34 YEARS OLD! I just figured out my mother has BPD. It makes SO MUCH SENSE. I used to say "my mother has Munchhausen by proxy, mental health addition." Finally, 3 weeks ago, my therapist friend and I figured it out. She has known me since we were 14. She knows my mother. Her mother was my first experience with a healthy mother, and my mother was her first experience with an unhealthy mother.

The loneliness I felt as a child, and teenager, and young adult. The depression. The suicide attempts as a 12, 13, and 14 years old. My mother overdosing me on mental health meds. My mother always being over the top. The PTA president. The most giving. The BEST mom. The intrusive mom. The mom who would follow you around and watch you do something wrong, and wait to spring the news on you. Open your mail. The not trusting mom. The mom who would randomly announce house rules like they had always been there, that would last maybe a week and then die. The mom who would lay in bed crying with 2 teenagers and 3 very young children (I'm number 4) saying "I'm such a bad mom" for days. The mom that would make the children spank her when they did something wrong because "she must be a bad parent."

I feel so bad for my mom! I do! I have tried for so so so long. I can't any more. I can't do it. The manipulation. The mind ___s. The intrusive questions. The doubting. The looks. The not caring. The caring too much. The fact that she mentally mind fudged my 8 year old son and now I have to protect him from her, and help him heal, because I let it happen! She tried to turn him against me. I think she told him to keep secrets. She manipulated him. Now he has severe anxiety and an adjustment disorder with severe separation anxiety from me. I thought she was helping me because I'm a single mother. As it turns out, she was just trying to poison another child. Because poisoning your 5 children is not enough?

I'm heartbroken. And this post might not make much sense. But oh my gosh, what the fudge! I've been thinking (for a long time) but more acutely for the last several weeks. My whole life has been affected by my mentally ill parents, my functionally mentally ill parents. The terrible relationships. The abuse I subjected myself to. The low self esteem. The innate feeling that I do not deserve good. I do not deserve love. I do not deserve friends.

Her 5 children no longer speak to her, myself being the last of the 5 to finally cut communication after I was left in a pile of tears on the floor unable to breathing screaming "why is she so awful? who could possibly be this terrible?" I had to block her on social media because seeing her with all of her "adopted families" being amazing and fun is too much. She seriously can not with her children but has families all over the country that she visits, people think she is amazing and that her children must be ungrateful and awful, just as she portrays us.

She showed up at my boyfriends work a week ago when I was out of town to "take him out to lunch" out of the blue. It is because I finally cut her off, she wants to try and play him against me. Just like she has done with my brother-ex-laws. Thankfully, my boyfriend can see toxic from a mile away and steers clear. She has however, played my brother-ex-laws like pawns.

Just last week she sent me this text "I know you have no faith or trust in me and for that I'm truly sorry! Please help me understand what it is I can do."

When I was 17 my therapist in the treatment center my mother sent me to for a nonexistent meth problem and antisocial personality disorder (she diagnosed me with both, I have never done meth) told me upon discharge after 8 months, "I have never said this to a client, I understand why you have developed the coping skills you have, for you they have been functional. I have also never said this to a teenage client, you have 2 options, and this is going to sound rough. 1) pretend that your parents are dead and move on with your life without them. 2) accept your parents as they are, they will never change, but keep your relationship completely superficial. Do not share anything with them because they will use it against you." I now know what he was saying. I understand it now. There is no way a 17 year old can understand that. I wish I would have chosen "pretend they are dead." But then my life would not be what it is now with my son and the people I know.

I seriously think it would take me years to write down all the nonsense we (my brother and sisters) went through as children. I am glad that I figured it out relatively early (34 years old). I am so so so sad that I let my mother try and poison my child. And now I have to try and fix it. I am sad that a sweet young child (me) felt so lonely, worthless, and empty, because I was a very sweet and awesome kid. I am sad for that sad little girl. And the teenager who made bad decisions. And the 20 something year old who obviously dated a sociopath who lied about everything and became abusive when she was pregnant. I am thankful that after giving birth I had a Epiphany, got the fudge out of that relationship, and knew that I needed to be a complete and whole person in order to raise another human being. unfortunately, my mother is the person who swooped in to save me from said abusive relationship. Therefore poisoning my child. We moved away from her when he was 4, but she continued to manipulate him. Well, no more. Her memory is fading. I have limited their contact since May of last year. But I will not allow her to affect my family the way she has any more.

This post is a hodgepodge. So many swirling thoughts in my head... .

[Turkish]

tvontheradio,

I've been reading this board for over 3 years,  and though I've read a lot of horrible things parents put kids through,  I've never read about a parent having kids spank them for being a bad parent.  We talk about role-reversals (Parentification and Emotional Incest), but that's unbelievable,  even though I believe it.  

I'm sorry that you were sent to rehab. I was only sent to family counseling (and abandoned after one joint session). I'm glad that the T told you straight.

This brings us to your child... .no one here will judge you for cutting contact to protect him.  What kinds of issues are you dealing with him regarding his grandmother?

Turkish

[tvontheradio]

My son was happy and low key kid. 1st grade things started going down hill. first he was overwhelmed. then came depression. Then panic attacks. night terrors. sleep walking. oh my!

I have been trying to set boundaries with my mother for forever, obviously unsuccessfully. I knew when I moved with her when my son was an infant that I would need to get out when he was old enough to talk. I moved away (from CA back to CO) when he was 4. Unfortunately, Colorado pays less that California, and I worked nights, only able to afford night child care and not daytime child care. She offered to take him the summer after I moved away. She had him for 6 weeks about 3.5 hours away from where I lived at my aunts house. Never again. I vowed to never do that again. It felt so wrong not being with him, not being his mom. I realize now that my mother, if she wanted to be helpful, would have come and stayed with me to help us, not take my son away from me. Anyhow, for the last year and a half I have been attempting to set boundaries, that have obviously been crossed. The hardest days of my sons life in the last year and a half have been after spending time with her. the only 3 times he has urinated in his pants at school have been on those terrible days at school after spending time with her. The most scrambled his brains have been has been after being with her. My sister-out-law (my sister's ex husbands new wife (I flippin love her! she is the best!)) called me about a year ago and confided in me that she was very uncomfortable with that way my mother was manipulating my son. It was during the time I was starting to limit contact.

The problem is that my mother is so manipulative and unhealthy that she gives my son anything he wants. She spoils him rotten and is not respectful of his actual needs. But he has an unhealthy attachment to her because he gets anything he wants. Example: during the 6 weeks she had him away from me, he did not eat dinner, but was hungry between 12-2 am, she would get up and cook him pancakes and eggs. She relayed to me that I would need to start getting up and cooking for him in the middle of the night. Ummmm, no. How about he needs to EAT DINNER! seriously, you are going to tell a single mother that is doing it all on her own without child support to wake up in the middle of the night to cook for her kid!

I have had now a stable partner for 3.5 years. My mother definitely tried to mine my son for dirt against my partner and planted things in my sons head affecting their relationship.

My son has been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder with severe separation anxiety as well as a conversion disorder with sensory deficits affecting vision, he is functionally blind, sometimes he can not see. I do know that genetics plays a huge role in all of this. I have taken my son out of public school and he is now in a more laid back private school that allows his autonomy and is way less stressed. I sleep in his bed the days that I work (I work 12.5 hours days 3 days a week) because "he misses me and needs to snuggle." Okay, you are 8, this will not last forever.

Slowly he is forgetting what she has gotten him, slowly he is forgetting what she has told him, slowly he is forgetting all the crazy religious stuff she has told him.

He is sad, but I try not to make it about him. I told him that Nana sayed home and raise 5 kids for 30 years, once the youngest left the house she sold it to travel the world. when he was born she stopped traveling for a little bit to help raise him. but once he was old enough she started traveling again. Nana will come once or twice a year to see him and the other grandkids (I will allow him to see her holidays if I am present and monitoring). He was/is sad, but hopefully he knows that it is not because of him or about him. Obviously he is devistated. Again, as time passes, he forgets.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome tvontheradio! 

Thank you for sharing your story. How many awful things you have gone through.   I am so sorry and want to pass along some extra hugs.    The discovery of who your mom is sounds as if it has brought relief. From a book review here at our site:

Missing: Coming to Terms With A borderline Mother

At some points in this writing, I stall for awhile…I worry that I’ve run out of evidence, because I want to prove my mother’s diagnosis. I have to justify it on the page, and I have little psychologists on my shoulders, whispering, ‘Not really borderline. You’re making it up.’…I want my mother to have had BPD because it’s helping me so much to see her in this light…it literally soothes the rough, wounded places inside me. I crave validation…”

All of us here who have had a BPD parent especially and desperately seek that validation. We are on this journey to our recovery, seeking to belong and find our selves. I'm very glad you've begun this journey and that you are helping your son as well. You can and are parenting differently because you've made the choice. Kudos to you! 

Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? ----->> >> Click on any topic and it opens up for more to read. This list is a great place to begin your exploration of the effects of having a pwBPD on you. Where do you feel you are on this list? They are not necessarily linear. I fi myself moving back and forth, each step a growing experience. I am so grateful for T that has helped me to work through much of my own need to heal from a uBPDm.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I read that memoir also.  Good book 

Your son will bounce back; it already sounds like he is doing so given the stable environment you are providing now.  I can only imagine what he experienced to cause him that much anxiety.