How Do I Maintain My Boundary and Achieve My Goal

[MissGuided]

greetings board. is so good to be here. in a sense, no one wants to  find themselves in this situation. but it happened. it has happened to us and i am glad to see there is a place like this one to communicate with you all. my story is very similar to many here with the exception that i was told by my ex (as i think at this point we are done) she had BPD.
at first i read some, not much. we started as friends and i was not looking for anything else. so my interet was one of a friend. i read a bit here and there trying to understand what my friend lives with and empathize with her situation.  and i think that is when she started showing interest in me, when i expressed i was looking for friendship only. as i understand it now, one of the BPD traits, they want the unavailable. our chats progressed steadily, nothing forceful from her end. flirting here and there. she edged her way in my life in a very clever way. my relationship with my ex was ending. it had been for months before i met her, and she became my every day without me even knowing it. i wanted and needed a friend, someone to talk to, and she masterfully became that.

why am i here? things escalated from frinedship and we started living in a fantasy world wher we were interacting as "girlfriends". i knew from the begining our "relationship" could not be. reason why when she professed so much love i read it all with skeptical eyes. i mean for me it was evident. there was something wayyyyyy wrong. how could she love me so much when she doesn't really know me, for me? But it was a high a fantasy a game we both played. and i enjoyed it as am sure she did as well. the more she love bombarded me the more skeptical i grew. i have always been a suspicious woman and this was no different. in fact this was more evidently suspicious to me.

well i went through the sleepless nights. when i could, say on a friday night i gave in and stayed on the phone. many times more out of curiosity. i marbelled at the things that came out of her mind. how she would take a simple word and turn it into a horrible drama. i mean i would just be like wow. she is soo out there ! i felt sad and many times i thought gosh, your mind is so twisted. majority of the times i didnt take anything personal. i know who  i am, what has taken me to get to this point in life. i knew she has BPD, i knew her mouth was lethal. it didnt matter, she was my friend. and as a true friend i was bound to accept her as she was. she is a human being after all, and as me, she deserves comprehension and acceptance. so i ignored the insults the devaluing... .the disapearance etc.

in reading these forums, i tried a new technique for when she dissappears. i drew a boundary and i stated next time you leave, i will not come chasing after you. i have held my end of that statement. but nor has she contacted me. and in all honesty i don't even care if she is putting her effort on a new shinning "toy". i knew what i was getting myself into and i can live with it all. however, i do not want to lose her friendship. she always said she would leave cos her BPD and the voices tell her to all the time to leave,, to please promise i would always come for her. and i did promised. and now i feel like i am betraying that promise but i fully know i need to stick to my boundary.

some days i miss her. some days i am smiling alone thinking thank God i don't have the drama. and then other days am like well, some friend are you. safe for me to think she is using her emotional blackmail on me at this time with her silence. and i fully recognize i have triggered her into this behaviour. my actions from the last month, now i can see how they trigger people with BPD. i just want to make things right, to alliviate the doubts and fears i have harvested in her already suspicious mind with my behaviour. and trust me, she did not brainwash me into thinking this. i know i did wrong. i hid things on purpose, i ignored her on purpose, i , well let's just say i am not innocent in what has developed.

in end, how do i fix this? how do i once more show her i am her friend unconditionally and that her well being is important to me without going back on my set boundary? i know i've done things that trigger her... .
any feedback will be greatly apprecited.

thanks for reading and good luck to you all. keep your heads up

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[onelittleladybug]

 MissGuided! Welcome to bpdfamily.

Im glad youre here but what brought you here is hard to go through. Personally silent treatment is the hardest on me.

I think its really great that you are taking responsibility for your side of things. Every experience and interaction with someone we care about is an opportunity to grow as a person, learn to do better next time. At the same time its important to have compassion for yourself. Just check in with yourself every now and then that you are not holding the bar up too high for yourself while too low for others. Having any kind of relationship with a personality disordered person can be very triggering. I know I have done things Im not proud of and reacted in ways that were not constructive but looking back I also see how much stress was on me and that it is hard to do your best under very difficult circumstances.

Also dont underestimate what you have given. Your willingness to work things out and continue to do better is touching. Your friend may or may not see it at this time but that doesnt make it less true.

That said there are things you can do to improve your communication and relationship. The tools to the right  are a great way to start. Just remember you cant fix her. You can only change the way you react.

 keep us posted. Is there anything particular, event or words that are bothering you?

[Meili]

  MissGuided

I want to join onelittleladybug in welcoming you to the Boards.



Let's talk about your boundary for a minute. Boundaries are to protect the values by which we live. Not giving up our integrity by chasing another person is a great boundary to have. But, what does that really mean to you?

Is chasing defined by you as putting forth more effort than the other person is to maintain the relationship?

Is chasing saying hello to and checking on a friend once without follow-up if there is no response?

Is chasing something else?

[MissGuided]

MissGuided! Welcome to bpdfamily.

Im glad youre here but what brought you here is hard to go through. Personally silent treatment is the hardest on me.

I think its really great that you are taking responsibility for your side of things. Every experience and interaction with someone we care about is an opportunity to grow as a person, learn to do better next time. At the same time its important to have compassion for yourself. Just check in with yourself every now and then that you are not holding the bar up too high for yourself while too low for others. Having any kind of relationship with a personality disordered person can be very triggering. I know I have done things Im not proud of and reacted in ways that were not constructive but looking back I also see how much stress was on me and that it is hard to do your best under very difficult circumstances.

Also dont underestimate what you have given. Your willingness to work things out and continue to do better is touching. Your friend may or may not see it at this time but that doesnt make it less true.

That said there are things you can do to improve your communication and relationship. The tools to the right   are a great way to start. Just remember you cant fix her. You can only change the way you react.

 keep us posted. Is there anything particular, event or words that are bothering you?

Thanks for your feedback. It really made me stop and think where am "I putting myself". Perhaps I am not clear on that part yet. I do not feel like I am neglecting myself. But one reads so many things about people with personality disorders, one starts wondering if this is happening or that is happening. E.g. they are discribed as crafty and manipulative, and I got to see that a lot, but is hard to find the lines of where that starts and where that ends. I for one, "got into it" knowingly and willingly. I wanted to be a friend and not judge. It was a humanly educational interaction for me, It brough my head down from the clouds, it made me realize the difficulties others live with and in turn appreciate even more my life and what I have. I guess I miss that part the most, the part where I was learning and growing both through her help and my own realizations. Have you ever felt as if the interaction made you more human, or more aware of other's people's situations?

[Lady Itone]

It was a humanly educational interaction for me, It brough my head down from the clouds, it made me realize the difficulties others live with and in turn appreciate even more my life and what I have. I guess I miss that part the most, the part where I was learning and growing both through her help and my own realizations. Have you ever felt as if the interaction made you more human, or more aware of other's people's situations?

Yes. I stretched and strengthened my love and empathy muscles with this one. I learned a lot about "checking my privilege," so to speak, with someone who is more marginalized than me. This relationship brought out both the best and worst in me at various times.

[MissGuided]

 MissGuided

I want to join onelittleladybug in welcoming you to the Boards.



Let's talk about your boundary for a minute. Boundaries are to protect the values by which we live. Not giving up our integrity by chasing another person is a great boundary to have. But, what does that really mean to you?

Is chasing defined by you as putting forth more effort than the other person is to maintain the relationship?

Is chasing saying hello to and checking on a friend once without follow-up if there is no response?

Is chasing something else?

Well, after reading for several days prior to posting I realized I needed to start somewhere. I started working on validating what she was saying. Prior to reading anything some months back I realized I needed to ignore the insults and devaluation and remove myself from the arguments. What later I saw here in the post of "not picking up the glove".  But that served more as a trigger to her fear of abandonment. So she started leaving for several days at a time. Then some 5 or 6 days later I would say hello and the cycle would start once more. So I figured if I set a boundary, where I said to her I would not chase after her, and didn't chase, there might be some hope of stopping that cycle. In all honesty, it just got old and repetitive and I was bored with the same thing happening over and over. I do not feel am less if I say hello first or more if i don't. I am just ike, wow, again... .ugh. It might sound bad, but I was not getting anything out of it anymore.

[MissGuided]

Yes. I stretched and strengthened my love and empathy muscles with this one. I learned a lot about "checking my privilege," so to speak, with someone who is more marginalized than me. This relationship brought out both the best and worst in me at various times.

In 1 day here I already can see that it also brought out a better side of me and the ugly side of me. I found me doing things out of spite wich in turn were only adding more crap on top of crap. As i know i can not change her, i am here because i realized i was approaching the whole situation with the wrong attitude. The last interaction between us was last thrusday. Again she was angry and accusatory.  My approach was to validate her feelings and acknowledge my actions could cause negative reactions. She remained on her stance and i wrote back less, in essence i was not biting the hook. I refused to get angry  and argue. She got more agitated at my lack of replies and i replied that i will not reply back when she speaks bad to me. I kinda was trying to set that boundary.  I also stated i will not chase after her if she left. She wrote a long text message very angry. Nasty words and in the end wrote, she was breaking up with me, not me with her. For me to go to hell and she left. I want to hold on to the part where i said i would not chase after her. But i also know she wants me too because she told me many times. That she needs me to chase her to feel jealous etc. For many months i was game... .it worked wonders the sex was delightful. But then it wasn't  at such and i was not getting any "rewards" out of me chasing etc. So i figured i set boundaries but now i do not know how to proceed.

[ArleighBurke]

So I figured if I set a boundary, where I said to her I would not chase after her, and didn't chase, there might be some hope of stopping that cycle.

No. Boundaries are NOT there to change their behaviour. Boundaries are there to protect YOU.

So your boundary: "If you leave I will not chase you." What does that really mean when putting it in the perspective of protecting you? Perhaps... .

• "When you leave me, it hurts. You leaving me, and me feeling hurt, then me trying to overcome those feelings and loving you again - it's too much. I cannot do it. Therefore, if you leave me, I am going to protect myself by accepting that the relationship is over, and I will not persue you."
• OR
• "When you leave me, it hurts. I want to be with you, but only you can make that choice. Being around you when we are just friends reminds me of what we had, and it hurts too much. I am offering myself to be with you. If you leave, I will not chase you. I will wait for you, and if you decide to come back I will be here, but I will not be around you as just friends."

What do you want? If you meant your statement like point 1, in that you want to remain her friend, but not her girlfriend, then you are quite welcome to seek her out - as a friend. But sticking by your boundary means you will not take her back.

Of course, if you were just trying to change her behaviour then she's called your bluff - and now you have no way of getting her back without showing her that you didn't really mean your "boundary".

[MissGuided]

No. Boundaries are NOT there to change their behaviour. Boundaries are there to protect YOU.

So your boundary: "If you leave I will not chase you." What does that really mean when putting it in the perspective of protecting you? Perhaps... .

• "When you leave me, it hurts. You leaving me, and me feeling hurt, then me trying to overcome those feelings and loving you again - it's too much. I cannot do it. Therefore, if you leave me, I am going to protect myself by accepting that the relationship is over, and I will not persue you."
• OR
• "When you leave me, it hurts. I want to be with you, but only you can make that choice. Being around you when we are just friends reminds me of what we had, and it hurts too much. I am offering myself to be with you. If you leave, I will not chase you. I will wait for you, and if you decide to come back I will be here, but I will not be around you as just friends."

What do you want? If you meant your statement like point 1, in that you want to remain her friend, but not her girlfriend, then you are quite welcome to seek her out - as a friend. But sticking by your boundary means you will not take her back.

Of course, if you were just trying to change her behaviour then she's called your bluff - and now you have no way of getting her back without showing her that you didn't really mean your "boundary".

I have read your post like 10 times over and over reading carefully every word. I honestly think is a combination of both. I am tired of chasing every time she leaves just for the sakes of paying me back.  I don't think I was trying to change her behaviour of leaving, I was trying to change mine of chasing. It does not offend my ego or integrity, but it gets old. The chasing had no positive outcome for me, as within a minute or 2 she would go back to the attacking and everytime she had more to say regarding the days I did not chase her., plus all the other prior complaints. It started to grow out of control and I was more and more in a predicament. I felt I needed to change how I reacted to protect me from the unending attacks. I do appreciate her friendship, I just don't know how to keep my boundary intact and preserve our friendship while not discarding the possibility of in a future exploring a reconnection. Your post has made me realize that before anything else, I need to really figure out what I truly want. Right now, I just miss my friend.

[onelittleladybug]

I guess I miss that part the most, the part where I was learning and growing both through her help and my own realizations. Have you ever felt as if the interaction made you more human, or more aware of other's people's situations?

Thats a really great question MissGuided.

I think one of the things Ive taken from it is to remember that a) I am a fairly self confident person, b) I shouldnt make the assumption the same thing about other people and its more helpful in my relationship to remember moments when I was feeling insecure. The tightrope walk for me is to remember the source of difficult, hurtful and generally bad behaviour is deep self doubt or even self hate but that I still dont have to put up with it. Its also been very challenging at times to refrain from trying to fix the person or take all the weight and carry it by myself. I think all experiences in life can make you more human if you process them emotionally and give it thought like you are doing. But the truth is I think Im actually learning to be more tolerant of myself than focusing on others through this experience. I still experience this intense feeling of longing that my pwBPD finds some resolution and is able to get better but Im not attached to it anymore. I hope that makes sense. The biggest lesson I received from this relationship and this experience was finally allowing feelings to sit with me and go through me without always reacting to them outwardly or trying to change things. Thats been the biggest blessing. To allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, frustrated, lonely... .All those things and then let them pass.

[MissGuided]

Thats a really great question MissGuided.

I think one of the things Ive taken from it is to remember that a) I am a fairly self confident person, b) I shouldnt make the assumption the same thing about other people and its more helpful in my relationship to remember moments when I was feeling insecure. The tightrope walk for me is to remember the source of difficult, hurtful and generally bad behaviour is deep self doubt or even self hate but that I still dont have to put up with it. Its also been very challenging at times to refrain from trying to fix the person or take all the weight and carry it by myself. I think all experiences in life can make you more human if you process them emotionally and give it thought like you are doing. But the truth is I think Im actually learning to be more tolerant of myself than focusing on others through this experience. I still experience this intense feeling of longing that my pwBPD finds some resolution and is able to get better but Im not attached to it anymore. I hope that makes sense. The biggest lesson I received from this relationship and this experience was finally allowing feelings to sit with me and go through me without always reacting to them outwardly or trying to change things. Thats been the biggest blessing. To allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, frustrated, lonely... .All those things and then let them pass.

This is very insightful and a good place for me to help reinforce my new thinking. I have to learn her actions are just all about self doubt, self hate, and her insecurities. I know they have nothing to do with me, but it is very hard to remain on that plain when you have someone constantly telling you the opposite. I will take this time to remind myself of the great person I truly am. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my posts. I hope things are improving for you.

[MissGuided]

The biggest lesson I received from this relationship and this experience was finally allowing feelings to sit with me and go through me without always reacting to them outwardly or trying to change things. Thats been the biggest blessing. To allow myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, frustrated, lonely... .All those things and then let them pass.

I appreciate this reply. That is where I am at right now. I am allowing me the silence and solitude to come to terms with my feelings, instead of attening to hers. As we know it can be very overwhelming and draining. I do feel bad because I know she sent me to hell because she thought I was leaving her. so once more I triggered her into behaving the best way she knows how to protect herself. However, everytime something as such happens her reaction hurts me. This time she went as far as saying that those days I was not speaking, she found a "good woman". Someone who listens to her, stays up with her and cries with her. That was a low blow, and it hurt because i know she di it to hurt me. Just like she has hurt herself to hurt me as well. This time, what I am doing different, is I am attending to me and how I feel. As much as I miss her,  as much as I am forcing myself to remain by myself working on my feelings. I am in 1) if it's true, then i really don't need to chase her. She has what she wants and needs in someone else. 2)If it's not true, she was displacing me. In any event, I had to stop and digest how it all made me feel.

[Meili]

It's really good that you are realizing that what she says and/or does really isn't about you and that you don't have to take it personally. I found that makes it a lot easier.

[MissGuided]

It's really good that you are realizing that what she says and/or does really isn't about you and that you don't have to take it personally. I found that makes it a lot easier.

Is very draining though. She once more started talking to me and is all about i don't  do anything to help her. Now upset that i didn't  chase her nor fightvfor her. This is the kind of interaction that can really consume one's everything. I need to find ways to tune it all out. Can you suggest one of the lessons? I know is not about me and i am using the smiling technique and it has worked some. Just i still find me thinking "wow what the heck?" I want to be in whatever mode and am not getting there soon enough.

[Meili]

I'm with you on the draining part. It takes a great deal of emotional strength to get through some of this. There were days that I spent most of the time wondering if it was all worth it. My x would tell me the same things about not fighting for her or chasing her as she was pushing me away. When I stopped reacting to those statements, she stopped making them.

How to tune them out greatly depends on the effect that they are having on you. Are you feeling punished? Disrespected? Guilty? Something else?

[MissGuided]

I'm with you on the draining part. It takes a great deal of emotional strength to get through some of this. There were days that I spent most of the time wondering if it was all worth it. My x would tell me the same things about not fighting for her or chasing her as she was pushing me away. When I stopped reacting to those statements, she stopped making them.

How to tune them out greatly depends on the effect that they are having on you. Are you feeling punished? Disrespected? Guilty? Something else?

Frustration. Total and complete frustration. I stopped chasing for my own sakes because it was draining. I started feeling like a beggar when in fact it all started by me trying to help her. Once I stopped chasing, she started sending me texts that she almost died and was hospitalized. I do not know how true those are or if they even are. There is a sense of guilt in a weird way. If in fact she is hurting herself cause I am not there, then yes of course I feel the need to prevent it. But deep inside I know it was this way before me, and it will very likely be after me. It is just a constant give me give me give me. I need I need I need. you are not doing anything right etc. and even though I keep telling myself is not you is her, it is very draining. Right now I am on a break from her because in 2 days talking she draining my emotions at a record pace !  I used to feel disrespected now I even laugh sometimes. I just feel drained. Like I am constantly putting out a lot to get nothing in return. I sincerely feel I am not getting anything out of it. I am constatnly questioning myself on why am doing this, and as of right now I would be too happy if I never hear from her again. when you say not reacting to those statements, what exactly do you mean?

[Meili]

I stopped letting her know that they upset me. Like, one time, she threatened suicide. Rather than my getting all upset and freaking out, I called the proper authority.

[waverider]

One of the things with BPD relationships is they dont wind things back to the way they were. It is a series of evolutions that dont reverse. "getting back to the friendship you had" is not possible. The relationship you had then was based on the information both of you had then, and a great deal of idealised enmeshment

As a relationship progresses the pwBPD becomes more exposed to that person. The longer this goes the more vulnerable they become, this starts the discard as self protection. A new person is a new clean sheet, as you once were. Yes they want that old relationship stage back, but it cant be done with you as you "know too much" so they recreate it elsewhere. Vulnerabilities cant be put back in the box if you like once they are out. Winding back a romantic relationship to a previous "just friends" status is near impossible. It can be role played for a while but you wont be a just friends, as you once were, as so it will always be unstable, full of drama and they will pull your strings depending on their level of neediness and your usefulness

If you wish to "stay friends" it will be full of gamesmanship and drama, and you will end up asking is it worth it? Is there an element of guilt or failure in your thoughts in regarding to wanting to stay friends?

Is it better just to let sleeping dogs lie and interact with her on a whatever comes bases and keeping to your boundaries, rather that actively wanting a particular type of relationship?

The BPD hook is in you, it is a matter of identifying exactly what it is caught on