One Month Later and It's Still Up-and-Down

[Depression = 72% of members]

First I'm not sure if my Ex-gf (3 years with only 1 'break-up' has BPD but she seems to have all of the symptoms / traits. She just turned 30 and we had been living with each other for 2 years (yes I know it was fast that we moved in with each other after only 1 year of dating, but I'm the type to take a lot of risk) and then suddenly when on the day I returned from a 5 day work trip, she breaks up with me out of the blue. For the first three weeks I was a complete wreck, but over the last week I finally feel like I'm moving towards recovery.

Now comes my question - I'm looking for advice on what to do if she ever reaches back out to me? I'm the type like so many others on this thread that I'm just attracted to the struggle of helping people. I do this both in my personal and professional life. I pride myself that I'm very strong as this is something I've done my whole life. Reason why I'm unsure of if she will reach back out is that she still hasn't moved all of her things out of my place, she still has her social media profile pictures set to us being together even though she is still active (I've since deleted my social media apps to avoid 'stalking' her, but my sister is keeping the tabs haha) and when she does come to grab her things, she always flirts with me (the kinky type) and hugs me when she leaves... .but those hugs that are a bit longer than friend hugs. Also the first time I saw her since she broke up with me she looked at me and dove into one of the saddest hugs I ever felt. I had to really dig deep not to cry (I'm the emotional type) but I asked her how she is doing, she said "I've never been so unbalanced" and she told me she still loved me and I'm her favorite person, but that this is the right thing to do. I've learned to not fight with a woman's decision especially in high emotion times so I said "you do whatever you think is best."

I've already started hanging out with other women, not for dating or sex... .just to talk to other women and regain my confidence. I've decided to book a last minute spontaneous trip to Japan (I don't speak Japanese) for NYE because that was the holiday we always looked forward to. I'm working on me but deep down inside I continue to look at the fear of what if she comes back? Of course I love her to death, I mean just 4 months ago we were talking about marriage and kids (when we first dated she was very upfront with me about not wanting children), but then boom... .I get dumped.

She cheated on me last year (around this same time) by kissing a man while she was traveling in Europe by herself and continuing to talk to him for a month after she returned. We split for a month and then she asked to come back. She comes from a broken family where to this day her mom can't seem to be happy with her. Though her mom (double stroke victim) is always drilling in her head that there is always someone better out there for her (my ex). I didn't appreciate that she would say it, but once my ex told her mother to stop it in front of me.

My hunch to why she suddenly left me is that the last month of our relationship I wasn't myself at all. Work got me really down and I was traveling a lot. I came up with terrible excuse to not have our weekly date night. And the one night I did decide to have it I made her feel sorry for me which led to her having sex with me, which she told me in the past is a major trigger from a past bad relationship. On top of all of this she just started graduate school in September and started to hangout with men who share a common interest in language. I have a hunch she's developed feelings for one of them, but when I asked her she doesn't seem to answer.

Anyway if anyone reads this post I really appreciate your time and looking to build some relationships with this community.

mahalo,

[RonaldAndNancy]

First I'm not sure if my Ex-gf (3 years with only 1 'break-up' has BPD but she seems to have all of the symptoms / traits. She just turned 30 and we had been living with each other for 2 years (yes I know it was fast that we moved in with each other after only 1 year of dating, but I'm the type to take a lot of risk) and then suddenly when on the day I returned from a 5 day work trip, she breaks up with me out of the blue. For the first three weeks I was a complete wreck, but over the last week I finally feel like I'm moving towards recovery.

Now comes my question - I'm looking for advice on what to do if she ever reaches back out to me? I'm the type like so many others on this thread that I'm just attracted to the struggle of helping people. I do this both in my personal and professional life. I pride myself that I'm very strong as this is something I've done my whole life. Reason why I'm unsure of if she will reach back out is that she still hasn't moved all of her things out of my place, she still has her social media profile pictures set to us being together even though she is still active (I've since deleted my social media apps to avoid 'stalking' her, but my sister is keeping the tabs haha) and when she does come to grab her things, she always flirts with me (the kinky type) and hugs me when she leaves... .but those hugs that are a bit longer than friend hugs. Also the first time I saw her since she broke up with me she looked at me and dove into one of the saddest hugs I ever felt. I had to really dig deep not to cry (I'm the emotional type) but I asked her how she is doing, she said "I've never been so unbalanced" and she told me she still loved me and I'm her favorite person, but that this is the right thing to do. I've learned to not fight with a woman's decision especially in high emotion times so I said "you do whatever you think is best."

I've already started hanging out with other women, not for dating or sex... .just to talk to other women and regain my confidence. I've decided to book a last minute spontaneous trip to Japan (I don't speak Japanese) for NYE because that was the holiday we always looked forward to. I'm working on me but deep down inside I continue to look at the fear of what if she comes back? Of course I love her to death, I mean just 4 months ago we were talking about marriage and kids (when we first dated she was very upfront with me about not wanting children), but then boom... .I get dumped.

She cheated on me last year (around this same time) by kissing a man while she was traveling in Europe by herself and continuing to talk to him for a month after she returned. We split for a month and then she asked to come back. She comes from a broken family where to this day her mom can't seem to be happy with her. Though her mom (double stroke victim) is always drilling in her head that there is always someone better out there for her (my ex). I didn't appreciate that she would say it, but once my ex told her mother to stop it in front of me.

My hunch to why she suddenly left me is that the last month of our relationship I wasn't myself at all. Work got me really down and I was traveling a lot. I came up with terrible excuse to not have our weekly date night. And the one night I did decide to have it I made her feel sorry for me which led to her having sex with me, which she told me in the past is a major trigger from a past bad relationship. On top of all of this she just started graduate school in September and started to hangout with men who share a common interest in language. I have a hunch she's developed feelings for one of them, but when I asked her she doesn't seem to answer.

Anyway if anyone reads this post I really appreciate your time and looking to build some relationships with this community.

mahalo,

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! You're definitely in the right place to ask good questions... .

I'm looking for advice on what to do if she ever reaches back out to me? I'm the type like so many others on this thread that I'm just attracted to the struggle of helping people

So do I take it from this that you don't "want her back" for yourself, but you would if it's what she wanted, or it would help her?

The perfect match for a BPD person is a co-dependent person. So many of us here are co-dependent - so willing to give up what we want to "help" someone else. Or so used to doing everything for everyone else that we have no idea what we actually want for ourselves.

so I said "you do whatever you think is best."

Whether you get back together or not, you need to stop being co-dependant! To make a BPD relationship work, you need to have a strong self-worth - you need to be her rock. Know what you want, and work towards that. Set your boundaries - know what you will and won't accept. (This is good advice for any other relationship as well). So for now - work on YOU. Lose you co-dependancy.  (This may take a few months or even a few years... .).

AB

[RonaldAndNancy]

So do I take it from this that you don't "want her back" for yourself, but you would if it's what she wanted, or it would help her?

You're absolutely correct - I've done a lot of reading over the last month about relationships and what I've realized is that I am a co-dependent. Prior to my exBPD (is that the right term or should I be more epithetic?) I was in an eight year relationship with someone who I didn't really love but I was just comfortable being with them. She was very immature (more so than I was at the time) and ended up cheating on me a bunch of times but I was never in love so it really didn't phase me that much. So to answer your question I don't want her back for myself... .at least until I take the next journey in my life to focus on my needs and goals, which like you said could be months or even years.

To make a BPD relationship work, you need to have a strong self-worth - you need to be her rock.

So for me this is a very impactful comment. In between my 8 year and my exBPD I did a lot of growth personally and professionally and was developing a lot of self-worth which I think attracted her to me. The catch is that I think over the course of our 3 year relationship I lost a lot of who I am because of the "walking on egg shells" + my co-dependency and even when I did set firm boundaries, she would break them and I didn't have the courage to walk away. My view was more, "I'm a really strong person and I've suffered more than this and I can accept the pain" vs "Nope that was not cool so I'm leaving you because you broke my trust."

ArleighBurke - I really appreciate your feedback and I'm sure I can search the site for this but do you have any recommendations or reading material for overcoming co-dependency?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey R'nN, Welcome!  Most of us Nons on this site have codependent tendencies, I suspect, because you sort of have to be a caretaker in order to be in a BPD r/s.  You seem quite perceptive about this aspect of your personality, which is likely one reason why you became involved with a pwBPD in the first place.

Whether you get back together or not, you need to stop being co-dependant! To make a BPD relationship work, you need to have a strong self-worth - you need to be her rock. Know what you want, and work towards that. Set your boundaries - know what you will and won't accept. (This is good advice for any other relationship as well). So for now - work on YOU. Lose you co-dependancy.  (This may take a few months or even a few years... .).

Nicely put, ArleighBurke.  Agree, the lessons I learned from a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, have helped tremendously in subsequent relationships with non-BPD SOs.

do you have any recommendations or reading material for overcoming co-dependency?

Back at you R'nN: There are plenty of books out there on codependency, but the first step to overcoming it, I submit, involves awareness.  If you find yourself about to respond in codependent fashion, awareness lets you pause and evaluate whether that is the right move.  For example, I recently experienced a strong urge to respond to my Ex GF after she sent me a very personal note, because my first inclination is a knee-jerk response to alleviate someone else's discomfort.  Yet because I am aware of this tendency that I have, I paused and considered whether I really needed to respond right away (I didn't).  I waited a few days and thought about it over the weekend, with the result that by the time I got back to her, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, with confidence.  You could say that the right action arises when one is mindful and patient enough to allow the answer to reach the surface, which only happens after one lets the water clear.

Does this make sense to you?  I like to use metaphors which sometimes may be confusing.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

do you have any recommendations or reading material for overcoming co-dependency?

It's not for everyone, but the best material I have found is on reddit: MarriedRedPill. Now I know the general RedPill community has got a bad name, and there are a number of men posting there who are just women haters, but MarriedRedPill seems much more level headed. They discuss finding your way, finding confidence, leading your own life and hers, how to say no, when to say no... .I would really recommend it for any man.

[vanx]

Oh man, your trip sounds really cool! I travelled to Japan, Tokyo, back when I was in college. It was amazing. What part of the country will you be in?
I just wanted to suggest, you are already basically writing things out here, but I was thinking perhaps you could journal or write out a bit what's going through your mind about the scenario if you hear from her. It might be worth charting things out as a cost/benefit analysis. Don't know if it would help you or not, but my line of thinking was maybe you just need more specific clarity about your needs, and feeling more settled on that could give you the confidence to handle potentially hearing from her in terms of your needs. Hey, you're always on the right track reaching out for support. In the meantime, have an awesome trip!
Oh, and in regards to the timeline of things, I just wanted to say I think having some ups and downs after only one month is really normal. Hang in there.