she returned my key

[Shoct]

I think i just broke my own NC.

I asked my ex to mail me my key. It showed up in the mail today. I had tried to think of the possible scenarios for how she would return it--if she would leave a note, if so, what would she say, etc.

I knew it was coming, the letter, as she told me on Sunday she was mailing it. I told myself today to take the letter and throw it away without reading it (as I don't need the key, changed my locks).

I didn't. I read it. And it has really ruined my night.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shoct,

It is a very hard prospect to ignore words that someone you love has written to you.
 Try not to beat yourself up but to learn from this.  Do you want to share what she wrote to you?  How are you feeling now? 

Love and light x

[Shoct]

Hi Harley,

Thank you for all of your support and responses.

She wrote:

---------------------------

Hi (my name),
Here is your key, sorry it took so long to send it.

Be well

Love,
(her name)

--------------------------

I feel empty. I am almost positive she has already found someone new. Based on her actions previous to her ending the relationship, and since.

Yet, there is a HUGE part of me that wants to see this as her reaching out to me, as a sign that I should contact her. The only way I left open for her to contact me is via email, and I am checking my email about every 5 minutes.

When we last saw each other, after she broke up with me, she told me she 'loves me but she is so confused', so her saying 'love' is not something she ever denied. But, am i fooling myself? From what I have read, and possibly I've read too much from sources that aren't reliable, they don't experience 'love' the same way.

I was so absolutely hurt by her, and I feel such sorrow. Yet, right now the only thing i want to do is to tell her i love her too.

I am a mess.

[Harley Quinn]

I feel for you.  All contact is bound to be painful and confusing at such an early stage.  It's natural to hold onto the hope that this is her reaching out and that she hopes you will respond in some way.  Putting a note in with the key wasn't essential, as it's hardly in need of an explanation, so it could be that she is hoping to elicit a reaction from you.  At the same time, it could be viewed as a farewell.

Your ex did/does love you.  Just in her own way, and the only way that she can.  A pwBPD feels emotions intensely and loves deeply, however is limited by black and white thinking, and during the idealisation stage a fantasy is created around this initial phase lasting forever.  However it is impossible to maintain that stage forever.  When a partner moves through the exciting part of meeting someone new, everything being very intense and exhilarating, into the next stage of a r/s, where things can ease off and become more relaxed and less full on, the pwBPD can feel disappointed and abandoned.  They are only able to maintain a r/s within the 'first flush' and can struggle to handle the gradual shift to a deeper more meaningful r/s as things develop, triggering their fears.  It can appear to the pwBPD that a partner no longer cares the same about them and doesn't give them as much attention/consideration as before.

An article that looks at this is How a BPD relationship evolves.  I read this during the early stages of my split, realised how much this applied to what I'd experienced and things began to make more sense to me.  Although it is possible to have periods of idealisation again, the time spent being devalued tends to lengthen and present sooner over the course of recycles.       
 
What you need to decide is whether you feel able to consider trying again.  Weigh up the pros and cons.  If you choose to be open to a recycle, I'd suggest posting on the Saving board, for some support around the best approach to this, and to pick up some tools for communication.  What do you think is going to be best for you?  Only you can decide.  Either way you will have support here.

Love and light x         

[RonaldAndNancy]

Hi Shoct,

Hang in there. I can relate so much right now and yes life is hell but trust me that I've seen glimpses of it getting better. My ex of three years broke up with me out of the blue. We were living with each other and a full month has passed since she dumped me and she is still coming over to grab her things. My therapist tells me it's like dante inferno.

Just yesterday she messaged me asking to come by this weekend and she already knew I was going to visit my parents for Christmas (they live far enough were I need to catch a plane) but she still felt to message me about coming over. Each time she does she flirts with me and leaves me with a longer than needed hug. I finally had to tell her on the message that we aren't friends and that she needs to stop messaging me. Obviously she responded by blaming me for not wanting to be her friend and told me "Oh I will have such a great NYE with out you." Clearly she hates me and wants me to suffer a lot of pain.

It's tough but please continue to reach out to us here and to anyone in your close circle. I'm lucky that I have strong family ties, I'm part of a martial arts gym (basically like my 2nd family) and I'm naturally out going so I've already gone on a few dates with other women. The dates actually help a lot, it gets my mind of things even though the entire time I have no interest in romance or sex with these women. I was so hesitant to go on my first date because I was thinking "What if she sees me?" but really it doesn't matter. You have to focus on you and that is and should be your number one priority.

I get the feeling that we all care about each other here so lets get through this together! And when we look back on moments like this we can appreciate the strength and growth we built.

Hope that helps and trust me and everyone here (those with a lot more experience that I do) that it will get better : )

[Shoct]

Thank you Harley

And, as you know and mentioned, since this is so new I honestly don't think I am capable of honestly answering 'what i want.' You (i think it was you... .maybe) asked me after one of my initial posts what I want and I answered 'to stop the hurt,' and that has shifted some.

Initially, i thought that simply consisted of getting back to where things were when we were together. But, as i read about this, talk to everyone here and have slightly more distance, I know that things will never be as they were. Maybe she could come back and, somehow, idealize me again and things would be amazing again, but i understand this to be fleeting. Also, i realize that I have been idealizing a lot myself, giving myself the impression that everything was just perfect until she left me. Not true. At all. And I need to be honest with myself about that. There were so many signs that things weren't right.

And, now, as much as i long for her to come back and want to be with me, I know myself and I know how hurt I am. I think as soon as I got over my initial elation to be back with her I wouldn't be able to just forget all this happened. And being 99% sure she has been with another (others) during and since is something that would eat at me incessantly. I don't do infidelity. I'm not young and I know that is is theoretically possible for a couple to get past cheating, it would be difficult for me. And it doesn't sound like pwBPDs are known for their acceptance of guilt and seeing things from my POV. Thus, even if everything were to magically fall into place what she has done to me is so hurtful I am not sure I could ever accept and move on.

Still... .crazy as it sounds, I thought the same thing about her note. Maybe she wants me to contact her. And, had she written just a little more or asked anything I am pretty sure I would be writing her now.

[Shoct]

Hi RonaldAndNancy, and thank you so much

For those of you that dedicated more of your life to your r/s than I did with mine I feel for you, and I am so sorry. Mine hadn't fully ingrained herself into my life, the r/s was too short. Although I know that has been bandied about, as far as duration of the r/s and its effect on healing.

What you did must have been so hard, I hope to have that strength someday. I asked my ex to mail me my key, because I feared seeing her I would set me so far back. So, despite her living about 20 blocks from me I asked her to mail it.

And I am curious what it was like (other than worried about seeing your ex) to go on your first date. That is the other aspect to this, I kind of only long for one person, my ex. I think I would have a hard time even feigning the most basic interest in another. Maybe it is too soon for me, I don't know. I do know that I need things to work on myself so i don't ignore the warning signs that were so evident previously

I am so grateful for this site and everyone here. I am not normally one to be posting about my love life on a message board, but, well, it has been a key to me getting through the last several days, and probably for some time to come. Thank you again RonaldAndNancy, please keep sharing your story

[Zen606]

Hi Shoct,
Having your best interests at heart I would say this.  Don't read anything into the letter. Get rid of it, chalk up the break of NC to experience and move on from there. Please do work on yourself and concentrate on this. This may not be a time to date for you, I would not worry about this now. You and only you are the focus at the moment.  You have much support here. 
Zen606

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shoct,

It sounds like you have reached a point of painful acceptance, which is really tough and I can relate.  It can be so hard to walk away from all the 'what ifs' and takes a great deal of strength.  You're doing well and to continue on this path it is essential you take good care of yourself, find ways to connect with others and stretch yourself to do the things you don't feel like doing.  Depression can be very common during the aftermath of a BPD r/s, so be mindful of feeling stuck and take action to correct this early.  Some of us had to seek medical advice and there is no shame in that.  It takes a strong individual to know that they need additional help and to seek it.  The effects of my r/s were particularly traumatic for me and I see a counsellor and am also taking an SSRI, which has helped enormously.  Although I am fully detached and indifferent to my ex now, the lasting effects on myself of what I went through and my own life patterns of codependency and disordered relationships are a focus for my healing myself before I am ready to consider bringing someone else into my life.  It is worth taking the time to get yourself well before you take steps to meet someone new, as it will give you the opportunity to attract an emotionally healthy mate and secure a firm foundation for something that can stand the test of time.  Keep posting, we're always listening.

Love and light x

[happendtome]

Maybe it would help if you would change your attitude towards her. You had good sex and forget all the rest.

I read your first post and well... ., i would run, she could say that you raped her.

Seriously. I had one tinder date few weeks ago. She was bit older than me, very sexy. I took her for ride, later she invited me to her home. We had some drinks and then she went crazy.
She suddenly just said that im bad, her gut said that im bad I got up and said i will now leave, then she immediately said that i cant go nowhere.

So i stayed. There were 3 times in that night when we started to have sex, i got naked, she got naked and then she run to other room. 3 times. Then she said that she will call police to me. That was enough, i left. Later i also blocked her, because she started this blocking and unblocking thing on messenger.
Point is, i wanted to have sex with her, i wanted it so much, but i said no, i wont go back, no, i wont start begging.

Dont date crazy. You will regret that later. That sex isnt worth all that drama what comes after that.
Theres another thing i experienced with this my latest adventure. She was so crazy, something that i have read only from these boards, that when she first blocked me, then i noticed that i had became little bit addicted already. Maybe if i would have dated her weeks, months i would have said that im in love, but no... .god no, it wouldnt have been love.