BPD Mom

[Penny123]

Hello All, 

My Mom is 73 years old and was diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, and depression over 20 years ago. You'd think I'm a veteran at age 49 of dealing with my Mom but I'm not. We still have a relationship (well, at least I still think so, she is silent these last few days). Ironically, even with a weekly therapist she has and a few boundaries I've set up, it's still really bad. Our conversations over the last two years have been awful and the last two months have been even worse because of her demand for money.  My Mom also abuses anxiety and opiod medication too and buys it illegally at times.   
                                                                                                                                                       My Mom bullies/manipulates/rages/lies to me over the phone and through texts. It seems to be getting worse as she gets older because now there are physical problems too - hypertension, chronic back/neck/knee pain, diabetes, and being overweight.                                                   
                                                                                                                                                     Right now, she is silent. She's been wanting money to help with her expensive car payments and wants my brother and I to help her out because she has used up alot of her savings for illegal prescription drugs that she feels she must have even though she gets the prescription from a doctor as well. She is addicted and what I consider an addict. I've given her money but it's not enough and I refuse to give her more over these last two years. She harassed me for awhile and told me I was dead to her and to never contact her again unless I was willing to help her with money. It's coming up on Christmas and I wonder if she will reach out to say Merry Christmas. I wonder if my Mom will stop talking with me for good. I feel sad and almost grieving.                                                                                                                               Anyone out there that deals with a parent that has BPD, physical problems, and has an addiction problem?  It's like the trifecta. I've tried to help so much but it's never enough and I get treated badly.                                                                                                                        Penny123                                                                                           

[worn_out]

Hi Penny,

Well, if your mom has a drug problem, she shouldn't be driving. So the car has to go. You and your brother may have to sit back and let it be repossessed. Let her rant and rave all she wants, she is endangering herself and other drivers. And don't you or your brother become her chauffeur. She can use uber or take a cab, particularly if she's going to buy drugs illegally. Does her doctor know about her illegal drug use? Why not tell them?

"My Mom bullies/manipulates/rages/lies to me over the phone and through texts." Screen calls from your mom and block her texts (but don't tell her, it will just set her off). Blame the phone company. Your mom will probably never really cut you or your brother off because she needs money. Kudos to you for not giving her money over the last two years. Your own financial well-being has to come before your mother's. She has medicare and you don't. "I've tried to help so much but it's never enough and I get treated badly." I know, I had a similar mom (now deceased), and they are a bottomless pit of needs. Look for a local Al-Anon group to find kindred souls. For those of us with unloving, selfish mothers, this is a lonely time of year. Pat yourself on the back for not giving into her demands for money and let the car get repossessed.

[Penny123]

Thank you for your reply worn_out. I agree about the car but I don't live in her area and I can't take the keys away from her. I agree I'm not responsible for my Mom's choices - buying illegal prescription drugs and I urged her not to buy that expensive car but she did it anyway. I love and care for my Mom very much. I think it's because life wasn't all bad esp when I was younger. It's just hard watching her go down these paths that could destroy her. How she treats me sucks but what is harder is seeing her disappear from what she was or what I thought she was when I was young. I know her days are numbered from her recklessness and just not taking care of herself. It's sad and I grieve. All families dealing with substance abuse and/or BPD, I say prayers for. I'm sorry to hear you lost your Mom. I think Al-anon would be a good idea. Thanks!