Mom on her way to financial ruin

[momisborderline]

So for those of you who haven't seen my previous posts on my unbpbd Mom, I won't recap everything here but by way of synopsis, I live on the other side of the country from my unBPD mom who is 76, and bedridden due to severe back problems. She literally has no other family left, all my siblings and her ex-husband, (my dad) have ceased all contact with her.

The original plan was for her to move into an assisted living facility in my city, and I found 2 for her and put down deposits. About a year ago, I also transferred her remaining nest egg from her money manager who was "ripping {her} off" and "doing a horrible job and losing money" to my money manager. I have a POA for her and she gave the money manager permission for me to see her account online. So even though she handled her own money, I had the peace of mind of being able to look online and know what was happening more or less.

As the time for her to move here drew closer, it became apparent to me that for my own emotional well-being that I couldn't have her move to my city. Yes, she definitely was acting out, but honestly, it was more a realization brought on by my work with my therapist that this was the wrong choice for me rather than her behavior. (Which as always alternated between crazy, paranoid, needy, insecure, nasty, hateful, loving, etc... .) In September I wrote and told her that I thought it was a mistake for her to move here and instead I had found her 3 assisted living facilities in her state that met all her criteria and that I would help her with that move.

She absolutely blew up and raged at me in the most emotionally abusive terms. In fact, what really came out was her true intent all along, she had no intention of staying in either of the places I had found for her (which were both really nice.) she had planned on moving in with me and having caregivers come to my house! She said she was "willing to give those places a try" and that if "they didn't work out" I had told her she'd "always have a roof over her head" so that meant she could live with me.

Needless to say, I had told her repeatedly that wasn't an option. (In fact, the last time she visited me she raged about the fact that my house doesn't have a bedroom/full bath on the ground floor. "Boy, you made sure to buy a house I couldn't move into, didn't you?"  So, I went no contact with her and blocked her on my phone. I didn't tell her I was going no contact, I just did it. Now her emails go to spam and occasionally a voice mail message will come through but I don't see the calls come in. This has worked  well for me in that I can choose when I feel strong enough to read her rants, etc.

About a month ago, a life-long friend of my mom's called me to say my mom had emailed her asking this friend to take over my mom's rental payments because she was "running out of money." Bottom line, I told her friend that my mom and i were no longer in contact, but that last I knew she had enough money to live if she budgeted carefully. (I'm sure I don't need to explain to those of you reading that my mom is horribly irresponsible with money, has resisted all my efforts to create a budget for her, etc.)

So last night, I got 3 raging (drunk?) voicemails from my mom and some emails in my spam folder telling me that she was calling the money manager today to have them liquidate the account and transfer all the money into her checking account, that she wanted to have me "removed" as her "guardian ad litem" (which I'm not, I have a POA and am executor of her will) and that since I "didn't give a (insert bad word here) about" her and no one else in the family will have anything to do with her, she had "found someone" who will "help her" and she will continue to stay in her apartment and use her long term care policy to have help come to her. (Unbelievably, my mom bought and LTC policy decades ago that covers in home care but not assisted living.)

Needless to say my mom staying in her apartment is a horrible idea. It won't be long before she's a 2 person transfer so her policy benefits will run out and she'll end up where she always made me promise she never wanted to be in a "horrible nursing home." The last time I saw my mom's apartment, about a year ago, it was like a scene from "Grey Gardens" mess everywhere, dog feces and urine, old food, etc.

My guess is that the Friend got back to my mom and told her she had spoken with me and that according to me, she had sufficient funds left. This probably enraged my mother and sparked this latest rash of crazy behavior, transferring all of the funds, removing me as POA, etc.

Now she's harassing me about "sending {her} the forms" to remove me as "guardian ad litem" (which, again, I'm not) and that once I do this she "won't bother me with anything else." She continues to remind me of my "promise" to her when I was 16 that as long as I had a roof over my head so would she and since I wasn't willing to take her in, she "would be fine on her own." and she just needs me to "PLEEEEAAAASSEEE SEND ME THE FORMSSSSS and I'll be OUT OF YOU LIFE WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY WHAT YOU WANT!" When I first went no contact with her last September it was the same thing, she had lost the name and number of her CPA and would leave me messages saying "please just send me his name and I'll never bother you again!" So I broke down and sent her the name.

I know the easy thing to do would be to email her and tell her I'm not her guardian, and that if she wants to change her POA, remove me as her executor and I'm assuming remove me as her beneficiary from her will, all she needs to do is contact an estate attorney and do it. But I'm feeling like it's another trap with her. Just like the CPA thing, she keeps trying to find a hook to get me to contact her. And she'll have to figure this one out on her own.

So now, I'm scared, because once these funds are transferred, I'll no longer be able to see if she has any money left, and as I last calculated, she didn't have much of a cushion before she was left with absolutely nothing but her $800/month social security. My worst fear is that she will end up homeless or exactly in the kind of facility she didn't want to be in. And now I feel like she is taking rapid steps to make sure that is exactly what happens. At least with the money  manager, he only transferred a set amount into her account once a month. Now that the funds will be in her checking account, there's no telling what she'll do. I am consistently amazed at the irony of my mother's situation (and I think, many other borderlines) She is so terrified of being abandoned, and then her own actions and behaviors result in her being abandoned. She is so terrified of being destitute, but she denies all efforts on my part to keep that from happening and instead sets into motion a plan that will likely result in that.

And I'm sure the xmas holiday is also sparking this too. It's the first xmas we've been no contact. Basically, I'm scared and sad and feeling harassed. My partner  tells me it's time to switch phone numbers/email address and that would stop all contact. But I'm not ready for that. Part of me wants to know on some level what her status is.

Not really sure what to do next, really appreciate having this forum to reflect on what's happening and to hear from others about their experiences.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi momisborderline,  

It sure sounds like you have a lot going on, not only in your life but also in your emotions. All of us do who have a pwBPD in our lives. I'm very sorry for all the stress this is creating for you. It's obvious that you do care about and for your mom and are sad with how things are. At the same time you are doing well at maintaining boundaries.   That's wonderful!

It is very difficult to step away and step back when we see another person self-destructing. We want to stop them and feel it may be our responsibility to do so. To make matters worse, since you grew up with a BPDm, you learned how to take the responsibility in stride as necessary and expected, just like I did from my uBPDm. It hurts to watch this stuff going on with your mom. My T frequently reminds me that while I can control some things, I cannot control how the other person will react. I am working hard on letting go of the holding tight aspect. It sounds as if you are quite mixed up as to what is your responsibility and what is obligation. What does your T say?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I am consistently amazed at the irony of my mother's situation (and I think, many other borderlines) She is so terrified of being abandoned, and then her own actions and behaviors result in her being abandoned. She is so terrified of being destitute, but she denies all efforts on my part to keep that from happening and instead sets into motion a plan that will likely result in that.

This is the conundrum of BPD.

It sounds like you have been stuck in a kind of limbo.  With the POA, and kind of in charge of your mother's money,  it's a hard role to continue being mostly NC. Personally,  I'd find a way to re-engage or grant her wishes.  Being in the gray area isn't doing either of you any good.  I'd also explain to the friend what you are going to do,  sans long explanations. I tried explaining it to my mom's former neighbor and was cussed at.  But that neighbor isn't healthy herself.   

I lean towards throwing the ball into her court.  I did it.  That,  however,  was my choice.  The board isn't a democracy so I'm not casting a vote,  so to speak. I'm only saying that the legal tether of the POA isn't doing you well by keeping it given NC.

[Struggles]

Good to hear from you, sad that it’s on these terms though.  I’m so sorry you are going through this.  It is a lot harder this Christmas for sure; it’s also our first Christmas no contact too.  

I agree, I think your mom knows what she has to do to have you removed as POA but is trying to use that as an attempt to get you to talk to her; or even possibly thinking that those threats to have you removed might make you come back to her.  

My MIL has done the same; she is a very materialistic person, and has threatened my husband with being removed from the will which he is perfectly fine with.  So he didn’t respond to any of that.  

I think you and I usually go thru new events with the BPDs in our lives around the same time.  Tonight we are currently spending the night with the in laws that live next door.  My MIL knew we were here because she saw us multiple times from afar.  Her and my FIL got in a huge fight, and then later that night she came busting in the door to where we were.  I immediately started shaking as this is the first time she’s been within range to be able to physically touch me since September, and we haven’t spoken to her since September.  She said hey to me and my husband and we did not speak back.  She left pretty quickly, and then told one of our family members that she didn’t know we were there.  A flat out lie.  I think she wanted to see how we would react and if we would speak to her.  

You made such a good point at how BPDs are so terrified of being abandoned but make sure to do or say horrible things that end up with them being abandoned.  

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for peace your way.  

[momisborderline]

I think you and I usually go thru new events with the BPDs in our lives around the same time.  Tonight we are currently spending the night with the in laws that live next door.  My MIL knew we were here because she saw us multiple times from afar.  Her and my FIL got in a huge fight, and then later that night she came busting in the door to where we were.  I immediately started shaking as this is the first time she’s been within range to be able to physically touch me since September, and we haven’t spoken to her since September.  She said hey to me and my husband and we did not speak back.  She left pretty quickly, and then told one of our family members that she didn’t know we were there.  A flat out lie.  I think she wanted to see how we would react and if we would speak to her.  

hi struggles and thanks for being in touch.  it is so funny how we do seem to go through these incidents around the same time.   Your story about your MIL was terrifying to me, I can only imagine how you must've felt!  Sending you a big hug!  I completely agree with you, it was a total lie that she didn't know you were there. it was absolutely a test to see your reaction. My mother would lie every day and twice on Sunday, as the saying goes, and for no good reason. When you described how she came bursting in, it was so reminiscent of my mother.  It's frightening to be around someone so emotionally disregulated (sp? maybe dysregulated?) I hope you are doing ok and can enjoy the holidays which can be particularly challenging for those of us dealing with BPDs in our lives. 

[Penny123]

Hi Momisborderline,
My situation sounds similar. My diagnosed BPDMom is 73 years old and is depleting her inheritance funds quickly in the last 2 years and is having trouble staying within her $2,000/monthly income. 2 years ago she bought an expensive car (which she didn't pay off with her inheritance and I pleaded with her not to buy) and has been buying an illegal anxiety prescription drug (Klonopin). My brother is on her accounts but won't look to see the balance but it seems like it's only a couple thousand dollars as stated by my Mom (hopefully it's true) and bro/I both have POA. I've been giving her money off and on for about 1 1/2 year due to her requesting demands. However, I can't keep shelling out money at this rate. I think she might be an addict so this money maybe going out the door as soon as it arrives. She lives in Alabama and I just found out there is a State Department of Human Resources (DHR) that has Adult Protection Services. They deal with abuse and neglect in children and seniors. I cannot reason with my Mom on her finances and how to lower; she just wants money from my brother/me. I'm going to get some more info on the state services so when the time comes, I'll might use them. I'm afraid my mom will loose her car or maybe get kicked out of HUD apt and maybe DHR can help. I'm only really a visitor in my Mom's life.                                                                                                                                                         Maybe this is something you can look into as well? It's better than nothing and a Mom homeless.