its time to search for the right tools

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Im 34 yo with a graduate degree in the sciences. Im heterosexual in a romantic relationship with a lovely young lady in her late 20s who may have BPD. We been together 8 months and its been rough with all the highs and the lows. I love her dearly and after debating to stay or go over and ver again I have finally told myself its time to man up and search for the right tools to stand my ground and show this lovely young lady exactly how much she means to me. The last fight we had (which lead me to this site)... .she got physical with me for the first time. Nobody was hurt but the lack of respect she displayed was the last straw. I separated from her for 2 days with minimal contact. She has never been the one to say sorry but her texts went from angry rage to making an effort to open communication and continuing with the relationship. We live together (rent from a friend) and I pay all of the bills (including her car payment). I told myself I will not forgive her for hitting me but like a sucker here I am caught in her gypsy spell back at it again. In the relationship Im the provider so that makes it hard to just be push over (Its the way I have control I guess) but the biggest issue is communication issues. She insists on things her way and accuses me of being a bad listener (whcih i am in part). I accuse her of not being mutual respectful to me. She lacks patience and uses manipulation/aggression to try and bully me into doing things her way. Sometimes Im tired and avoid a fight by giving into it but when I feel shes upsetting the balance of control way too far in her favor I act out ... .my reaction in these low times is usually distancing myself and triggering her fear of abandonment (whcih i honest to god hate to do but is more like a reaction to her actions).

So yes sir! I want to make it work. Ive tried so many things in so many ways. Some things have worked but dont stick... .other things have made things worse. After the last fight (physical abuse) we agreed to start fresh. Clean slate with 50-50 contribution of love and respect... .its been 3 days into this new mindset and the balance of power has already been tested yet again. Im here to gain some new tools and try harder than ever before so that this wonderful sweet girl I know is inside my lovely lady can shine thru the rough exterior and finally willing to trust and open her heart to a man who is willing to do just about anything for her.

thank you,
Rod

[doctorRod]

 

Im 34 yo with a graduate degree in the sciences. Im heterosexual in a romantic relationship with a lovely young lady in her late 20s who may have BPD. We been together 8 months and its been rough with all the highs and the lows. I love her dearly and after debating to stay or go over and ver again I have finally told myself its time to man up and search for the right tools to stand my ground and show this lovely young lady exactly how much she means to me. The last fight we had (which lead me to this site)... .she got physical with me for the first time. Nobody was hurt but the lack of respect she displayed was the last straw. I separated from her for 2 days with minimal contact. She has never been the one to say sorry but her texts went from angry rage to making an effort to open communication and continuing with the relationship. We live together (rent from a friend) and I pay all of the bills (including her car payment). I told myself I will not forgive her for hitting me but like a sucker here I am caught in her gypsy spell back at it again. In the relationship Im the provider so that makes it hard to just be push over (Its the way I have control I guess) but the biggest issue is communication issues. She insists on things her way and accuses me of being a bad listener (whcih i am in part). I accuse her of not being mutual respectful to me. She lacks patience and uses manipulation/aggression to try and bully me into doing things her way. Sometimes Im tired and avoid a fight by giving into it but when I feel shes upsetting the balance of control way too far in her favor I act out ... .my reaction in these low times is usually distancing myself and triggering her fear of abandonment (whcih i honest to god hate to do but is more like a reaction to her actions).

So yes sir! I want to make it work. Ive tried so many things in so many ways. Some things have worked but dont stick... .other things have made things worse. After the last fight (physical abuse) we agreed to start fresh. Clean slate with 50-50 contribution of love and respect... .its been 3 days into this new mindset and the balance of power has already been tested yet again. Im here to gain some new tools and try harder than ever before so that this wonderful sweet girl I know is inside my lovely lady can shine thru the rough exterior and finally willing to trust and open her heart to a man who is willing to do just about anything for her.

thank you,
Rod

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SlyQQ]

If you are really willing to do anything for her consider this,

A romantic partner places a lot of pressure on someone with BPD and often ends badly,


If you friendzone yourself you will be in a far better position to help this person, who will inevitable be threatened by an intimate relationship, be willing to be painted black for telling her she is unwell and still be there in the end.

some food for thought.

[pearlsw]

Hi doctorRod,



Clever name!  Well good! Glad you found us and that you have a shot to get on making changes early. There are a lot of great communication tools there. And have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" yet? That can be pretty helpful for many folks. Have you started working with Validation yet? The skills take practice, you won't learn them overnight, and even when you think you have them you may find yourself grasping for them while in a crisis. I suggest saving notes elsewhere on your computer so you can get them in times of crisis and to regularly review them. I know I get rusty when things are going well and I don't seem to be using them as much and then boom, a crisis hits, and I'm in a panic. I don't want to live my life in a panic so I have to work on making it not that way. You will face many challenges, but I strongly encourage to you to host your own posts and comment generously on other posts so you can engage here and help all of us while we help you too! There is so much to learn here and I think your positive attitude towards that process will take you very far - in at least not making things worse if not (hopefully) better!

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much conflict in your relationship. It sounds like you are trying to get into a good place and looking at your own behavior to see how to improve things, which is a great place to start. It takes a lot of hard work, constantly looking at ourselves, and changing the way we respond to our pwBPD. We have lots of lessons on the right side of the page. One to get you started is Understanding Your Role in the Relationship .

I think that lesson will be of value to you. You mentioned that you will frequently try to regain control of the situation by using techniques to control her once she has tried to control you. This can create a huge power struggle dynamic, that as you've seen, leads to emotions getting more and more heightened as each person ups their level of controlling power.

Does she go right into bullying you or is there a build up to the bullying? If she begins to build up, what does it look like before it becomes aggressive?

[doctorRod]

This morning my bp gf and I woke me up around 6am. Not really sleeping but laying down with my eyes closed thinking about what time to head out to work since it was raining outside pretty hard. My bp gf notices the hard rain and I guess wanted to get out of bed to see it thru the living room window. We have a roomate (male) who was already up in the living room. My bp asks if I can grab her robe so that she can get out of bed to see the rain (she was naked). I sat up from laying down and turned in her direction to first grab a quick good morning kiss. She got mad and gave me a kiss and then said why am i taking so long. It must have been less than 10 seconds before she bolted out of the bed and said "never mind Ill just get the robe myslef" she used a blanket to wrap/cover herself and ran out the room to see the rain. I was mad that she acted that way and I tried my best to stay calm. I focused my energy into getting ready for work. Later she comes back in the room and accuses me of "getting to that place" and that she missed the rain pouring down hard (which is what she wanted to see) because of me. She accused me of being spiteful and then said when I ask you to do something please do it as soon as I ask you. She claimed that whenever I ask her of things she does them right away so I should be thoughtful and give hre the same respect in return. I didnt have the energy to deal with this. I felt anything I did would only escalate things and just put me in a worse mood going in to work. What are some ways that I could have gone about dealing with this situation. (BTW my bp likes to dominate conversations by talking a lot and will even get aggressive/bullying behaviour if things dont go the way she planned)

thanks,
R

[doctorRod]

SlyQQ. I would like to consider the friendzone as a last resort option. When she threatens to leave I let her know that door is always open and that I would even help her financially for that hard transition. I do love this girl and want to make it work. But yea I know what you mean things get hard and people grow tired.

Pealsw. I have read the walking on eggshells. That book is what got me here (welcome to Oz). Ill make notes on the validation. I have put things into practice but i can always improve.

Tattered Heart. In the first 3-4 months of the relationship I worked a lot on my own behavior. I wasnt the perfect bf. Even now Im still not perfect but I have learned what things Im willing to change as it will make me become a better person in general... .but then there are things that make me who I am and that is where I draw the line. I cant change the things that make who I am for someone else due to their selfishness. I know she fears abandonment but I will not abandon myself in the process.

Also, she goes right into bullying

[Tattered Heart]

In the situation you just described it sounds like your pwBPD was not necessarily mad at you. It seems like she felt rushed and worried that she might miss the rain (or maybe it just wasn't as spectacular as she thought it would be). I know for myself I get short tempered when I feel rushed.

So instead of focusing on her words (that's just a symptom of the internal), how could you validate her missing the rain without accepting blame or even making it about you?

I like our workshop on How Not to Be Invalidating alongside being validating.

[SlyQQ]

It was all a game she wanted you to show interest in her and then spurn it,

its a normal thing, keeping you off balance and guessing  its part of binding you too them, and they are not even conscious they do it.

It goes along with isolating you and gaslighting its a package deal.