Met with kids' counselor

[kells76]

Met up with the girls' therapist the other day. Earlier I'd been having a tough time knowing what to do about SD11's anxiety (insomnia, not opening up, leaving her diary around, etc). DH met with Mom and it went pretty OK all things considered, but it still felt like -- if DH is doing good work, and Mom is making an effort, and I'm trying hard (I think), what's still going on?

T was pretty blunt, which was nice because for the past year plus, she was really trying to keep it neutral -- to the point where DH was concerned if she would work with ANY interparental issues. I brought up the journal stuff (briefly, SD11 often journals as a "heroic character" invented by Stepdad in a story he's writing basically about SD11) and T was like Yeah, that's not healthy. She went on to talk about how the stories she wants SD11 to hear at this point are (a) factual and (b) about times when SD11 needed help from DH &/or Mom -- to reinforce that SD11 is the child in this relationship, and a perfectly average one, not a "super kid".

I told her I was concerned because I felt like I couldn't change what Stepdad was doing. She said yeah, its true, he has not been complying with what she has very clearly told him he needs to do (note, we all went into this with the agreement that we would abide by whatever the T prescribed). But ultimately where we got to is that all I can do is my tasks. She had some good ideas -- that I err on the side of caution a lot, but it's ok for me to just be me and engage with the kids on things I find interesting. I haven't wanted to be overbearing if they're into something I like too, but she reinforced that that's what they need from me & DH right now -- joint experiences where they get to do something they like along with a step/parent. So that was helpful.

It's just kind of frustrating because Mom has mostly been able to get with the program -- though T did say that when she pushed Mom to take the lead in decision making at Mom's house (not let Stepdad call all the shots), Mom got frustrated and hit a wall (figuratively). So I have some sympathy for Mom who now has to reap what she's sown. Anyway it now feels like Mom, DH, and I can mostly work together, but Stepdad is still doing his own thing, and that's what keeps the anxiety going in SD11.

Mostly relieved, though, to get that validation that the stuff I'm seeing is really a problem -- that I'm not just focusing on it for some other reason, that the Stepdad issues are real. While T wants us to sort of hold things steady here for a while, as she doesn't see SD11 as being ready for deep work again yet, she did say that if Stepdad continues his behavior, it will come back to bite him. I'm trying to trust her on that as we hold steady... .

T joins at least 1 other counselor who has said they would have a hard time not punching stepdad for something he has said. But she was VERY professional about it  .

[livednlearned]

I remember reading somewhere that people with BPD tend to partner either with codependent types or NPD. The descriptions of the stepdad made me wonder if BPD mom is with someone more or less narcissistic? He may not have a full-blown PD but could be in the ball park, and she may even be bringing out traits in him.

For example, the emotionally unstable parent may use emotional reactivity (unconsciously or not) to manipulate the more authoritarian parent, who is often the one that seems rigid and demanding and punitive. So, step dad would see his wife as someone who cannot manage her intense emotions, so he locks everything down as tight as possible in an attempt to prevent her from having what to him are unacceptable feelings. He tries to control the environment and everyone in it as a logical management plan, without realizing he has the emotional maturity of a child, and is in no position to be in charge. To recognize his own emotional immaturity would destabilize the family, because then he would have to see that no one is in control, which creates too much uncertainty and anxiety, the very thing he is trying to avoid his wife from experiencing. Meaning, it's a partner problem, not just a stepdad problem, at least in terms of their emotional pathology.

This was the dynamic with my parents. I wonder if the reason why D11's BPD mom is relatively stable is because she is manipulating her husband to be the authoritarian parent. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well... .I guess I'm trying to say that they probably have a dysfunctional thing going that is stabilizing the three legs of the stool, even if it seems like her husband is the problem. If that makes sense?

SO's ex has a boyfriend who I suspect is doing the same thing. I learned from SD23 that none of the kids like him because he keeps trying to manage them without doing anything to earn their trust. They want to do an intervention to stop their mom from marrying him. My sense is that he believes BPD mom's emotional outbursts are caused by the kids not doing what she wants, so he is trying to control the kids.

I don't have any answers for how to deal with step kids on that kind of thing... .with then S11, he and I watched shows together and would talk about characters and plot and things between kids and parents, and that became my way of supporting S11's insights without directly addressing his dad. It wasn't hard to find awful parenting on Nick Jr and Disney   so I would sit and watch those shows with him, and I would focus on weird, immature, selfish parenting behaviors, and that seemed to help then S11 at least temporarily feel like his intuitions and instincts were accurate.

He had a ton of anxiety at 11 and didn't sleep well. Looking back, he would keep things in and not share, then suddenly share something huge without wanting to process it necessarily. Then he would go back to keeping things to himself. Does your SD11 do anything like that?

[kells76]

LnL;

Sorry replying took a while -- holidays and sickness, you know.

I wouldn't be surprised if Stepdad were on the NPD spectrum, as it were. Excessive need for admiration, condescending/patronizing attitude towards DH, fantasy world of this story about SD11 where he's the "prince", beliefs that people are paying attention to him and not others, rules don't apply to him, vast sense of entitlement especially to DH's roles, lack of understanding of how damaging his behaviors are to the kids. Yup, at least in the ballpark.

What you're saying does make sense in terms of family systems -- that a family sort of "seeks" an equilibrium state, even if it's a dysfunctional one. The initial equilibrium at Mom's house has been disrupted -- which is good -- but this new equilibrium is showing up as Mom looking functional and Stepdad's behaviors ramping up. I think you're right that a lot of why Mom looks functional may be enabled by Stepdad somehow.

You hit the nail on the head:

He tries to control the environment and everyone in it as a logical management plan, without realizing he has the emotional maturity of a child, and is in no position to be in charge. To recognize his own emotional immaturity would destabilize the family, because then he would have to see that no one is in control, which creates too much uncertainty and anxiety

So... .this is just for some info, not to point fingers, because we all have our stuff to work on. But here's what the background is.

I can't remember if I've mentioned any of this here before, but Stepdad used to be DH's best friend. Back when Stepdad was married the first time (Mom is his 2nd marriage), they'd all hang out together. At some point after Stepdad divorced but DH was still with Mom, Mom told DH that she & Stepdad had feelings for each other, but nothing came of it then. This history is also how DH knew that Stepdad's dad left the family when Stepdad was teenage-ish. He was oldest son and stepped up to "rescue" his mom & siblings from "evil" dad leaving.

Circle back to DH & Mom having marriage troubles, which is after Stepdad is divorced. Stepdad has had a couple of sessions of MC from that, so they ask him to help them work out their issues (which DH admits was incredibly naive). Stepdad takes Mom's side but still tells DH that divorce was not a big deal.

Mom & DH separate, and 4 months later Stepdad is taking Mom out on a date. Divorce finalized a month or 2 after that, and then 3 months later Mom & Stepdad are engaged. They get married after being engaged for 2 months. This is not surprising to any of you at this point.

Their baby comes along 8 months later. Before this Mom starts calling Stepdad a "dad-style" "nickname". The kids don't call him this at first, but a year or so later (and up to now) it has stuck.

Then there are the hard years of SD11 saying stuff like "you're not my family" to DH. You guys can fill in all the blanks.

So basically it hasn't just been "oh, Mom married someone new, who is naive about stepparenting but will see how wrong some stuff can be". Mom married someone who is committed to believing that he's a hero who can replace his Dad/DH and rescue Moms With Kids. He is acting out this whole narrative where he is totally not his dad and what happened in his life is something he has heroically overcome. Basically his actions make it seem like he believes that DH is evil just like his dad and therefore "deserves" to be replaced. That's what we've been dealing with, along with all of Mom's shenanigans.

And you're right... .no easy answers. Until Stepdad chooses to see reality (and not live in an "emotional reality", as he has said), I think you and Counselor are correct, that this new equilibrium is where we're gonna be at for a while. It's so hard seeing how this effects especially SD11. She's at a point where she's just not ready to see any weaknesses in his armor. In a way, she might have unmeshed with Mom some, but she enmeshed with Stepdad more -- like, if he's flawed, then his narrative about her being a great hero would also be flawed, so she wouldn't be great.

And yeah, she has a ton of anxiety and is not sleeping well. Plus does the "keep it in/let it all out" dichotomy. Maybe it's both par for the course at 11, but amplified b/c of family dynamics?