Questioning everything, may be I was the crazy one.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, 3 weeks of no contact, this feels very different from the previous discards, may be because there is some finality to it, seeing as she has changed her number.
I find myself, going over her behaviour/ my behaviour, and wonder, if I was the crazy one.
I told her to leave me alone, and came back, I lost my rag, and lashed out (verbally, on line, not physically)
I made silly threats.
Is this just a way, of my brain, trying to find some logic in this madness?

[Pencil sketch]

Hi, 3 weeks of no contact, this feels very different from the previous discards, may be because there is some finality to it, seeing as she has changed her number.
I find myself, going over her behaviour/ my behaviour, and wonder, if I was the crazy one.
I told her to leave me alone, and came back, I lost my rag, and lashed out (verbally, on line, not physically)
I made silly threats.
Is this just a way, of my brain, trying to find some logic in this madness?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PS,

Acknowledging our own part in things is key in the healing from a BPD r/s, because this is where we can truly learn and grow as individuals.  This is an opportunity to begin taking a look at things that we would like to change in order to go into a future without dysfunction in our relationships and create a possibility for healthy lasting relationships in their place.  It does take some self reflection in order to reach that place and it sounds to me like that is what you are doing right now.  At the same time, taking full responsibility is not the best way forward.  It takes two to tango, and we each bring our own issues into a r/s.  Try to be kind and accepting of yourself, treat yourself with compassion and don't heap guilt onto your already heavy shoulders.  We all did and said things we may not be proud of.  The secret is to take that awareness and do something positive with it. 

Love and light x 

[vanx]

Hi, Pencil sketch. I think HQ already gave a pretty great response, but I wanted to reply too because I can relate to what you're describing. I just wanted to point out one more perspective that is similar to what HQ already mentioned about not heaping guilt. I wondered whether you may be repeatedly going over some of the scenarios? I think that is pretty normal, but you also want to look out for rumination. I think it's useful to replay what happened so you can learn from your experience, but I personally regret thinking about it all as long as I did.
Just wanted to echo too you should forgive yourself for any mistakes. We all make mistakes, and it can be challenging to think clearly/behave rationally under stress. All you can do is keep trying. I know I would have liked to handle a few things differently with my ex, but then, in my case, if I really had my head on straight I might have walked away sooner!

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your replies, and I am starting to go down the ruminating route, mainly about her being with someone else, she took grest pleasure in telling me she had some one else with her, and I wish I hadn't read what she wrote.
I was in this place exactly a year ago, and feel a sense of de ja vue, this whole year has been spent, dealing with her behaviour.
I just want to switch it all off, I have no desire to get back with her, I just want to stop this obsessing, I feel like I am going insane.

[vanx]

I can definitely understand why her telling you this is upsetting. I'm really sorry. It did pop in my mind though , if my best friend came to me and told me this, my reply would be why would you want to be with someone who did that to you? Don't get me wrong, I really do get what it's like to feel attached to someone, and it sounds really painful to know she's with someone else, so I am not judging in any way!
i just hope for your sake you can find strength in knowing you will get through this. To tell a little about myself, I have OCD and consider myself a bit of an expert unfortunately about obsessing ! My advice would be please don't let the thoughts stop you from taking care of yourself and staying connected in other aspects of your life. It is painful, but the pain will pass, I promise. When you are in pain, you can lose perspective, but there is so much more to your life. Sorry if I am projecting too much of myself onto you, but I just think I can really sympathize.
Is there anything in your life right now that brings you some peace? Are you in touch with friends/family? I apologize I do not know your full back story. Hang in there.

[GlennT]

  never feel bad about ruminating. We all did it, so it can't be bad. It is a part of the healing process. Just understand that these personality disorders fool everybody. Their true personality was wearing a mask. This mask of kindness and love was for outer appearances. Your ruminating will someday go down into nothingness as time passes. Without being aware of it, it will become less. As long as you can function everyday somewhat, you will be fine.

[gotbushels]

Hi Pencil sketch 

I want to provide some support to you with the others.

I find myself, going over her behaviour/ my behaviour, and wonder, if I was the crazy one.
... .

Is this just a way, of my brain, trying to find some logic in this madness?

You're not alone in thinking about this. I've thought about this too a few times.

... .she took grest pleasure in telling me she had some one else with her ... .

I received something like this too around the time of the end of my relationship with the pwBPD. While we can't control the pwBPD's behaviour--intentionally harm-inducing or otherwise--what we can control is what we do as individuals when we are given it. Will we retaliate and show them we have someone else? Will we retaliate and try to hurt them? Or will we see it for what it is--another opportunity for them to triangulate in the new relationship, gain attention, or possibly use it to strengthen their hold on the next person?

It helped me to expect outbursts of various forms when she saw something she didn't like. I encourage you to not take these things too personally.