Sweet person, who is sick..? Or nasty person at heart..?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,

I've been posting bits and pieces of my story here, the last week. And of course reading lots of your posts. It means a lot. Today is Saturday, almost Christmas, and I feel my life has been ruined. I failed at being a partner, I failed at being a mother. My 18 year old daughter left my house after my BPD ex-boyfriend practically moved in with us. She saw it coming, apparently. Now they're both gone, and its just me and the dog in an empty apartment. Didn't even bother to put up a Christmas tree, for the first time in my life.

We got the dog, one year ago, the three of us, promising we would raise him together. Well at least the puppy gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

The thought that just keeps going through my mind... .How should I see him, in hindsight... ? Is my ex-bf a sick person, who is basically sweet and wonderful, but gets into a nasty mood now and then? Or is he a nasty person at heart who just pretended to be sweet? I'm pretty stuck here, I must say.

love, Summer

[Summer67]

Hello everyone,

I've been posting bits and pieces of my story here, the last week. And of course reading lots of your posts. It means a lot. Today is Saturday, almost Christmas, and I feel my life has been ruined. I failed at being a partner, I failed at being a mother. My 18 year old daughter left my house after my BPD ex-boyfriend practically moved in with us. She saw it coming, apparently. Now they're both gone, and its just me and the dog in an empty apartment. Didn't even bother to put up a Christmas tree, for the first time in my life.

We got the dog, one year ago, the three of us, promising we would raise him together. Well at least the puppy gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

The thought that just keeps going through my mind... .How should I see him, in hindsight... ? Is my ex-bf a sick person, who is basically sweet and wonderful, but gets into a nasty mood now and then? Or is he a nasty person at heart who just pretended to be sweet? I'm pretty stuck here, I must say.

love, Summer

[earlyL]

Hey Summer,

I am so sorry, this sounds like such a difficult time and especially with Christmas, makes it even tougher to get through.You are definitely in the right place and although you are feeling lonely, I hope you can remember there are lots of people on this forum who care and are rooting for you.

 I had lots of similar thoughts when I broke up with my dBPD ex, why do you think this is such an important questions to answer, do you feel if you were able to focus on one of these as being the 'right answer' you would somehow give yourself some relief?

EL

[Summer67]

Hello EL,
thank you for reaching out. I think the question is important to me now, to give some kind of insight to what I am supposed to feel, as it is all so confusing. I can see him as an evil person who has used and abused me, borrowed a lot of money that he now refuses to pay back, send me insulting messages and broke of lot of stuff in my apartment. Then I feel anger, and I feel horribly stupid and naive for letting him get that far. But if I see him as a sick person, I feel sorry for him, and might even consider 'helping' him again. It's like I'm being thrown back and forth between the two extremes... .
Does that make any sense? love, Summer

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Summer,

I also asked these questions as I worked through the grief.  The way I chose to look at it is simply that my ex is someone who is mentally ill and that causes him to behave in the ways that he does.  The reality being, whether he is a good person who behaves in atrocious ways because he is ill, or a nasty person who does a good job of acting like a wonderful one, the fact remains, he will always behave this way.  

That was the part that allowed me to begin detaching, as the top and bottom of it is, the way he behaved was extremely bad for me.  When you begin to consider yourself as more important to you than the issues that your ex faces, then you are able to stop wanting to jump to the rescue when that is detrimental to yourself.  Reaching that point was very difficult for me as a codependent and I still consciously have to hold myself back from rescuing others automatically without thought for myself on a regular basis.  But having that awareness is a positive turning point, as is the ability to prioritise your own well being.  It's also worth note that sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them learn to help themselves.

Love and light x  

[vanx]

Summer67,
I'm so sorry you're feeling down--the holidays can be a tough time in general for mood. I can understand how you feel that you've failed, but I really hope you can forgive yourself ASAP. Guilt has a function, so if we do make a mistake, we can learn from it, but if it lingers, you're just beating yourself up and you really deserve to feel better. You are not stupid. You are among a lot of people who were in a similar situation.
I struggled with similar questions to what you are asking. I think one way of looking at it is your ex is probably a person with positive and negative qualities like most of us. Probably he can be sweet and also cruel. Maybe both are more extreme for him. It sounds as though he is mentally ill in a way that may impact his decisions and behavior. Generally though, I think the best approach here honestly would be to try to free yourself from trying to understand. Free yourself from that agony. If he has BPD, he may lack a sense of himself and you trying to understand may simply prolong your suffering.
I think compassion is very useful and healing, and anger is okay to feel too. He is certainly responsible for his behavior and it sounds like he mistreated you. The back and forth can be an uncomfortable struggle though. I think your best bet is to shift your focus on him to yourself, your healing, feeling better. Believe me though, I understand. I had the exact same questions stuck in my mind. Over time, I realized I was doing myself an unkindness I did not deserve. I hope your holidays go as okay as possible. We're here if you need support  

[mjssmom]

Look at it in the most helpful way it takes to help you recover and prevent you from going back to him. I don't know your story. I can tell you the emotions and points of you you are bouncing back and forth between our normal especially in the beginning. 1 year after my ex BPD boyfriend, I feel he is in general not a good person despite being sick and here is why. These people despite being sick still have the capacity to know that verbal abuse, lying, cheating, raging, Etc... .Are unhealthy behaviors and abusive towards other people. They are still adults that have to take responsibility to get help if they are behaving in this manner. They know right from wrong yet they do nothing about it. And that to me is enough in my mind to determine they are good people if they aren't striving to be healthy for themselves or others.

[mjssmom]

Pardon me but I was using my voice recognition on my phone for my answer. In my last sentence I meant they aren't good people when they behave in this manner towards others and hurt them. They know they're hurting other people and yet they do nothing to get help to stop that. If they got help then I could give the benefit of the doubt. None of us are perfect but most people don't vindictively go out of their way to treat other people like crap.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Summer,
 I'm sorry you went through such a lonesome holiday. For me, I needed/need to be angry with my H in order to detach. The minute I start looking at him as someone who is mentally ill (and I do know he's mentally ill), I start feeling compassion for him at my expense, and I run the danger of thinking I can help him. I can't. I tried for ten years.
 Eventually, I will be able to feel compassion for him, for his family, but not now. I agree with mjssmom--use whatever feeling helps you detach, and refocus the energy you give to him in an effort to understand back to yourself.
 A long time ago when I was working through FOO stuff, I remember being told to imagine I was walking down the sidewalk in the middle of a big city, when suddenly people starting throwing garbage out their windows--garbage that was landing on my head. The question I was asked was, what would I do? I thought it was a stupid question because what I'd do is get out of the way. Move. I would never try to understand why people were throwing garbage. I'd just get out of the way, and maybe try to understand later.
  For whatever reason, that analogy helped me. The why doesn't matter when you need to protect yourself. I only wish I could have remembered this analogy a few years ago.
TMD