After it's over... affected by the "what if" questions?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mine ended with her cheating, and it seems like it has been going on for atleast a couple weeks.  Add to that we had hundreds of other problems with trust. Inpulsiveness rage money etc.

However, when I read all our texts back, and remember our interactions this past month, is it normal to sometimes think "that was my fault. If I didn't say that on that day, then maybe it would have worked out". And at times almost kick myself.

Or sort of like "did me questioning her one day lead her to flip out, leave and then cheat?" More or less thinking "I wish I let that go instead of bringing it up"


Or maybe she was already cheating which led her to leave over any little argument. I'll never know.

[Husband321]

Mine ended with her cheating, and it seems like it has been going on for atleast a couple weeks.  Add to that we had hundreds of other problems with trust. Inpulsiveness rage money etc.

However, when I read all our texts back, and remember our interactions this past month, is it normal to sometimes think "that was my fault. If I didn't say that on that day, then maybe it would have worked out". And at times almost kick myself.

Or sort of like "did me questioning her one day lead her to flip out, leave and then cheat?" More or less thinking "I wish I let that go instead of bringing it up"


Or maybe she was already cheating which led her to leave over any little argument. I'll never know.

[Pencil sketch]

Hi husband321, I have asked myself the very same question over and over, the first thing I would suggest, is delete any communication  you had, it just serves as a reminder, and prolongs the healing process.
In response to your question, as someone on here said to me, nothing we could have said or done, would have made the slightest bit of difference, this would have happened anyway, and I think we try to look at everything from a different angle, analyse conversations, change in our minds how it would have turned out of I said, XY or Z, and I know I do it, in an attempt to make some sense of it All, which, we know we cant.
Work on yourself, take some time for You, after what we have been through, we deserve it, hugs xxx

[Husband321]

I agree. 

In a way she was so adept at blaming , it momentarily can mask the bigger picture that she was a compulsive liar.  Which was the root of all insecurities and problems.  Things never made sense.  And asking any question led to her blowing up.

Good idea about the deleting as I was staying trapped in the ridiculous back and forth text communications.

[Shoct]

Hi Husband321,

I don't have any words of wisdom or keen insights, but i wanted to say that I am falling into the same trap.

Which, I suppose, is a natural thing for people that have the capacity for normal relationships. When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, we tend to think about our actions and seek to grow and understand--so, hopefully we don't repeat the same things that, possibly, we could have done differently. And I would guess every relationship that falls apart could see blame coming from both sides. Not a 50/50, but I think most can see where they could have made things better.

But, from what i understand and experience, pwBPD don't do this. They simply move on to the next and repeat the process that they used with their former partner. While the partners of BPD individuals try to make things better the pwBPD refuses to take responsibility and casts blame, gaslights and twists things around to make everything their partner's fault. I know in my case and others i have read, some personality types that are with BPD partners are willing to take on more and more of the blame in order to appease and stop the conflict.

My situation with my BPDgf was very brief. The more I review the relationship (hopefully, soon, i will stop re-living it everyday) the more I realize that I went through a several devaluations, but only one true discard. In that process, with the relationship lasting less than two months, I could see the shifting of blame. And I could feel myself constantly adjusting my stance in order to make things better. And instead of helping only seemed to make things worse. She did and said AWFUL things to me, but I found myself fully apologizing for these instances and trying to make amends to show her i would change. This is so very wrong.

It is not a good analogy, and I do NOT mean to make pwBPD seem like monsters (although sometimes that is how i feel), but i was watching an old season of game of thrones, the season when Ramsey Snow broke Theon and he became Reek and i could see myself in Reek.

Sorry, this was longer than i intended. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. And I agree with Pencil sketch, delete all past communications (where possible), anything that reminds you of her or the r/s. Good luck, i know it is awful to have those doubts and 'what ifs', they are haunting me.

[Pencil sketch]

Are you sure they weren't related !
I could have written that myself, everyday, was ground hog day, and the circular arguments, drove me up the wall, even though she maintained it was me who was causing it. I did notice, she became very aggressive and evasive, if I said how I felt. She kept it going for 3 months, and it was agony, I  certainly couldn't walk away, and neither could she.
Are you NC?

[Husband321]

Are you sure they weren't related !
I could have written that myself, everyday, was ground hog day, and the circular arguments, drove me up the wall, even though she maintained it was me who was causing it. I did notice, she became very aggressive and evasive, if I said how I felt. She kept it going for 3 months, and it was agony, I  certainly couldn't walk away, and neither could she.
Are you NC?

We were in contact until Tuesday night.  She said she was at her moms. Repeatedly telling me she is definitely not with anyone else .

Wednesday morning I saw her with another man who is acting as if he were her husband.

I have not heard a word since Tuesday. 

And yes daily it started to become "no you said that, no you said that" or she would have a problem with my tone.  Expressions etc.

However when in her idealization phase everything flowed, she was in love.  I could say or do no wrong etc.

But yes.  Could never bring up any question or problem about the relationship without her going off or shutting down and saying nothing.

[Husband321]

I think when she would try to recycle she would say things like this.

"As your wife I know it hurts to push you away sexually.  I am so sorry for doing this in the past at time. My body belongs to you.  You are my husband. And I will never do that to you again. Trust me "

So fast forward a week of being back together and just putting my arm around her in the kitchen leads to pulling away, a mean look, saying "not now" etc. This lasts for days.

So if I even make a sad face or just any random expression, (as opposed to getting mad myself) it leads to a fight.  Her going off saying I always expect sex and she isn't in the mood.  Why don't I respect her.  Etc.

I mean there is no perfect way to ever handle any situation to have stable peace.

But she will really believe my expressions or reaction was the entire problem.

[blueblue12]

My scenario was similar everything was always my fault, I had issues, controlling, etc. My ex was also staying at ‘her mums’ when she was off leaving nights during the silent treatment and the discard. It wasn’t so. After all the damage and sabotage she came back to me, pleading as I was the “love of her life.”My T says words are nice but shallow, actions are what matters. Her words were nice when she came back but her actions showcased a complete lack of care towards me and our long relationship.