I am really struggling with feelings of anger at the moment

[Kaboodle]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Eight weeks after receiving a final discard from my uBPDex-boyfriend, I see him parading around our small island with a new woman (an off-islander, not a local).

What galls me is how I had to get blood tests for gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV this week, because of his constant infidelities, while that jerk gets to get laid with his latest supply.

I am really struggling with feelings of anger at the moment, directed outwardly towards him, but mostly inwards towards myself, for tolerating three years of his emotional and physical abuse.

I am trying to do all the right things (exercise, therapy, friendships, hobbies) but I still feel so bitter. I think I may have to move away from my beautiful little island to be happy and free, but I also feel rage that I am the one who is forced to leave.

Any healing advice from this community would be so welcome!

[Lady Itone]

 I also live on a small, beautiful island, and I love it here. I would be very sad if I felt like I had to leave because of someone else's behavior. I know it's hard because on small islands, you run into each other.

Luckily, my recent exBPDgf is most likely moving to the mainland once she gets out of residential treatment (fingers crossed.) But I have an NPD ex from years ago, and I made a plan for what to do when I see her. I avoid eye contact, and walk away if she comes too close. I try to avoid ever talking about her with people who know us both. I did have to let go of some people and some hang-outs to avoid her, but ultimately, other people and places replaced them.

I say just dig into your life there if you don't want to leave. Go out into the community, connect to your friends. Go to all the places you normally go, but more often. Or find new places if you have too many memories of your ex in those. Claim your life. It's YOUR island!

[Kaboodle]

I say just dig into your life there if you don't want to leave. Go out into the community, connect to your friends. Go to all the places you normally go, but more often. Or find new places if you have too many memories of your ex in those. Claim your life. It's YOUR island!

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words. My angry defiant side often thinks, "I haven't done anything wrong, it's him who should have to leave this island!"

I avoid eye contact if I see him, I have blocked all communication methods, and I resigned from my volunteer commitments that involve his (long-suffering) ex-wife and his (alcoholic) father.

Still, I have lost friends on the island, due to his smear campaigns on previous discards. So sometimes a fresh start in a big city seems like a healthier plan.

Of course I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire, and end up in another toxic relationship - just surrounded by more concrete and fewer trees!

[Lady Itone]

You also gotta think moving is stressful and expensive. And if it's a place you don't know anybody, it's lonely. Will it really be less stressful than seeing the ex?

[Kaboodle]

You also gotta think moving is stressful and expensive. And if it's a place you don't know anybody, it's lonely. Will it really be less stressful than seeing the ex?

I'd be going back to a city I've lived in before, and where I go for work. (Small islands don't have many career options, as you know.)

In my relationship with the uBPDex, he would punish me for leaving the island for a job. If I was away for one day, I'd get two days of silent treatment afterwards. Once, I took a two-week assignment and he dumped me and hooked up with a woman he had dated during one of my (many) discard periods.

Since the final discard, I've been trying to stay focussed on work, as distraction.

[Lady Itone]

I'd be going back to a city I've lived in before, and where I go for work. (Small islands don't have many career options, as you know.)

Great, you have an option if you decide you want to leave. That must relieve a little stress, just knowing you aren't stuck.

[Bo123]

No one wants to talk about STD's but everyone should get checked both before and after a relationship.  In 2016 STD's rose 16% all across the board and with half of STD's being asymptomatic, it should be a law to get checked.  Good for you for taking car of your health.  When you sleep with someone, unless you you use protection every time, you are virally/bacterial connected to every one they ever slept with and every one there partners slept with, its ends up being in the 100+ category.  Forms of Hepatitis C can remain dormant for 10 years w/o symptoms as several other STD's can have little or no symptoms and you give it to someone else.  Good for you looking after your health, not just for you but your next partner!

[Kaboodle]

Good for you looking after your health, not just for you but your next partner!

I won't lie, it was more than a little embarrassing to ask my doctor for an STI screening at age 41. My uBPDex had said to me early in our relationship, "I hope you get pregnant so you'll never leave me." I went out and got an IUD. But I'm angry at myself for not insisting upon condoms.

I hope I don't end up paying the price for my passivity.

[Kaboodle]

What galls me is how I had to get blood tests for gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, and HIV this week, because of his constant infidelities, while that jerk gets to get laid with his latest supply.

[UPDATE] I got my test results today: disease free! (And contact free for 11 weeks!)

[enlighten me]

I too live on a small island, have 2 uBPD exs (only one lives here still) and have gone through the worry of STD testing.

I still see my uBPD exgf on a regular basis as we have a son together. At first I would have panic attacks and get worked up. Now I don't even bat an eyelid. NC is a great thing but its not a cure. You can end up missing out on life just because your worried you will run into your ex.

It took me a while but I got to the point of asking myself why I was bothered by seeing her? The answer was I still wanted her to see me as a good person and I wanted her to want me (even though I didn't want her). This once spoken out loud seemed a bit ridiculous. I realised that it didn't matter what she thought of me and I then didn't care what she thought of me. After that there was no panic or apprehension.

[Kaboodle]

You can end up missing out on life just because your worried you will run into your ex.

I realised that it didn't matter what she thought of me and I then didn't care what she thought of me. After that there was no panic or apprehension.

Thank you for these insights. I'm ashamed to admit, I have been avoiding some social events, out of anxiety over seeing him and his new partner. When I do go out, I plaster on makeup and a cheesy smile, to create an illusion of health and happiness. Like you said, we want them to want and miss us, even though we don't want and miss them. I hope to soon get to the place you are - not caring a whit what the ex thinks and says and does.

[earlyL]

Hi Kaboodle,

I can totally relate to this, and I did in fact move three months ago from the city I have lived for 20 years because I felt I couldn't heal in the same place as my ex was. (We did also run a business together which she asked me to leave so it felt like a double whammy as I had to start again from scratch).

I am lucky - as I have found a job away in another city which is only for a year so I know I can return if I want to - and right now, three months in I am in two minds about that. I think being away and not having the worry of seeing her at events has taken the drama out of it - which has really helped my healing. I feel I have been able to have some space to remember who I am, and it has helped being surrounded by people who have no idea about my situation. On the other hand, I am lonely, and at age 38 I don't enjoy living in shared accommodation having lived in my own space before. At the moment the positives do outweigh the negatives, but I am not sure how long that will last. I find myself missing my old life - but at the same time, I needed to get away in order to do that. I don't think it is an easy decision and there will be pro's and cons either way, but I would also say that any decision you do make, is the right one for you right now. It might change in time, but if you feel that moving would help then go for it. For me, knowing I can go back without feeling like a failure is helping me get through the tougher times - but I also know that things might change here and I end up remaining.

I don't think you should feel ashamed of avoiding events - I think it is good you are aware that that is the best thing for you right now. I had to delete some friends of mine who decided they wanted to continue working with my ex and our business and I felt guilty that I couldn't cope with being friends with them, but with the help of my therapist I can see that it was the right thing for that time. It doesn't mean I won't ever see them again, and our friendship might continue down the line somewhere, but it was too difficult hearing about my ex, her new partner and the successful business. I had to take myself out of it.

EL

[Kaboodle]

Hi Kaboodle,

I don't think you should feel ashamed of avoiding events - I think it is good you are aware that that is the best thing for you right now. I had to delete some friends of mine who decided they wanted to continue working with my ex and our business and I felt guilty that I couldn't cope with being friends with them, but with the help of my therapist I can see that it was the right thing for that time. It doesn't mean I won't ever see them again, and our friendship might continue down the line somewhere, but it was too difficult hearing about my ex, her new partner and the successful business. I had to take myself out of it.

EL

I can only imagine how hard it would be to have had a business with a BPDex. I think the divvying up of friendships after any breakup is sad, but especially if a pwBPD has used a smear campaign to win over friends to their side.

I've just taken on a three-week assignment off-island, with sixteen-hour days anticipated (film industry). So that should give me a distraction. Especially when I think of how unsupportive my ex was about my career, as it took my time and attention away from him.

Good luck to you in your new city!

[earlyL]

Thanks Kaboodle, I really appreciate that!

Your post made me smile - I work in theatre - so the hours and intensity sound similar! I think that sounds like a good thing for you right now. I think even after those three weeks you might feel quite different.

Good Luck too and keep us informed of your plans.

EL