looking for a community of non-judgmental folks

[shellz]

hi all ,
grateful to be here and for this online space. I am writing on Christmas day. I don't know where to begin there is too much to write at moment... but I will keep it simple(which its not, )--that I have been involved with a man on and off for 15 years who has been diagnosed in his 20's (he's now 56)with BPD and is also a Gambling Addict and Alcoholic. He has not gambled for about 5 years and he last drank 6 months ago.
 I "should" have permanently left him years ago but dare I say it... I love him(or maybe its not love and I thought it has been all these years, who knows)... .which is why I am on this forum... I've worked the 12 step programs- Alanon... & am presently working ACA(Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). I have just started with another Therapist, but I can't seem to completely leave the BPD partner. I am with him now for christmas... after being separated for 6 months & though I was really trying to NOT see him or "go no contact", I caved in and here I am. The reason being that now my BPD partner has Lyme disease and is in serious pain-not doing well, is bed ridden (while doing a house/dog sitting gig )and "needed a friend". My heart breaks at leaving him bed ridden alone . Due to his issue of always Isolating(& borderline rage traits) he has no friends except me.(That I know of anyway) He has a beautiful heart and loves animals and cooks amazing vegetarian meals. There seems to be a special bond we share... but deep down I have experienced mostly pain in my life being in this relationship. I could go on and on... but I am on this site just to see if I can be amongst a community of NON-JUDGEMENTAL folks who don't see things black and white and have open hearts and compassion and can just share their experience of what worked for them and NOT what I should DO... I've had enough of that advice to last 10 lifetimes and it doesn't work anyway. Part of me will do the opposite just to prove them wrong    
well,     thanks for reading and I look forward to being a part of this community of support, I TRULY need it BAD. Christmas blessings everyone!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Shelz- I also started in 12 step groups for co-dependency and ACA. There were no alcohol issues in my own marriage but I had adopted dysfunctional patterns from my FOO (BPD mother) that influenced how I acted in my marriage. For me, the program of recovery was very helpful in changing my own behaviors and way of relating to people.

What worked for me is the whole thing. I was fortunate to have a great sponsor who took me through the steps of looking at myself, and a group that was willing to call me out on my own behaviors and way of thinking. This isn't comfortable and there were times I was angry at it, but I kept at it.

So if I have any advice about what worked for me- it would be to do it- get a sponsor, go to meetings, read- do the work. Also to be patient- this takes time. You may not notice results right away but one day when you do, it is pretty amazing. One change I noticed was that things that used to "trigger" me into feeling shameful just didn't any more. Another was my ability to not jump in to "help as much. I always thought of myself as a helpful person, but I had to learn the difference between truly being helpful, enabling, and caretaking.

The lessons on this board and the support forums have been helpful to me too.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome shellz ,

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so many difficulties in your relationship. You've found a great resource for support, help, and understanding. We have a lot of resources to help us begin changing out behavior so that we can better take care of ourselves while continuing our relationship with our pwBPD.

You said you have tried everything to make thing work and it doesn't help. Can you give an example?