BPD question...is this normal?

[zhou]

So I recently met a girl that I am really into. I know that she had recently gotten out of a deep long term relationship with marriage on the horizon. She says its been over for about 6 months with a 6 month break before that. She was saying she wanted to take things slowly and be careful because she felt like she needed to work on herself and fill in the cracks that relationship had left. I told her I thought that was a good idea and that I always supported someone bettering themselves.

Basically we had been texting a lot and she kept saying that there were things about her that I didn't know and if I recall she has said at times she is a monster... .which struck me as a little odd and I told her that we all have our issues and that I was looking forward to getting to know her better and understand hers. After a short bit she told me that she has BPD and sees a therapist and takes medication for it. I again told her that I understand we all have our own issues and she told me she appreciated me being accepting of her.

Then a little more time passed and she had a friend that had a miscarriage at work, and she was spending time taking care of her, as well as getting sick, and dealing with the stresses of Christmas. One day she was telling me she loved me... .then like 3 days later she was suddenly telling me that she didn't see us having a romantic future ever. I asked her if she meant at the moment or ever and she said she couldn't tell what the future held. This confused me of course. I asked if I had done something wrong, she said I had not it was just a "Feeling" she had suddenly had. She reworked everything about our relationship, started texting less, calling less, and generally just being there less. I had asked her if this feeling might have anything to do with her BPD to which I got no response. She has also become very avoid-ant of answering most questions.

She claims she will be more attentive once the holidays are over but it just seems strange. And sure enough tonight after she got home from her parents she was texting me a lot. Although she is apparently getting sick again.

I am just not sure what to make of her one day telling me she loves me and then 3 days later telling me she had a sudden "Feeling" that we were not going to be together romantically. Can someone give me a little bit of insight into whether this might just be her pulling away due to stress and sickness and general worry in the background?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Qman]

Hello Zhou, constant breakups are unfortunately common in some BPD relationships - read about “splitting” in BPD. My gf has a diagnosis of BPD and has a lot of insight into when things are heading a bad way. She will withdraw and push me away, and isolate herself to try to settle her emotions. If things do go too far I become the enemy and she will rage at me and then break off all contact for a few days.

My only advice is: Remember, you can’t be responsible for her feelings - set your boundaries, and take care of what you need. What works best for me is just to let her know that I care and I’m here when she’s ready to talk.

[Perdita]

One day she was telling me she loved me... .then like 3 days later she was suddenly telling me that she didn't see us having a romantic future ever.
... .
I am just not sure what to make of her one day telling me she loves me and then 3 days later telling me she had a sudden "Feeling" that we were not going to be together romantically. Can someone give me a little bit of insight into whether this might just be her pulling away due to stress and sickness and general worry in the background?

This is not uncommon behaviour with borderlines. My bf has gone from telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me, only to turn around a couple of hours later and shout at me that I mean nothing to him. This without any provocation.  Has happened lots of times and it's always deeply hurtful and disturbing. I rather feel another of these coming on again. It really horrible.

[zhou]

This is not uncommon behaviour with borderlines. My bf has gone from telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me, only to turn around a couple of hours later and shout at me that I mean nothing to him. This without any provocation.  Has happened lots of times and it's always deeply hurtful and disturbing. I rather feel another of these coming on again. It really horrible.

So then I shouldn't just assume that she has totally just flip flopped and I am no longer in her heart?  This is such a confusing situation.

[rolling_stone]

So then I shouldn't just assume that she has totally just flip flopped and I am no longer in her heart?  This is such a confusing situation.

There's never 100% certainty, especially for a person suffering from BPD. From what you write, I can relate to what's been troubling me. As someone wrote before, sometimes the best option is to assure that person that you're for her and that you accept her. However, it's good to read some advice on how to communicate, how to listen, etc. There should be such info somewhere here.

Best luck!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi zhou,

Sorry that you are feeling so confused about your relationship. It will be important for you to learn as much about BPD as you can. We have lessons on the right side of the page that can help you learn more about BPD. One that I think might help you is our first lessons on Understanding Your Partner's Behavior .