Introduction

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Greetings all.
I have been married to a BPD wife for some decades now. We had a number of children together.  It was a terrible marriage, with her physically and perhaps worse emotionally abusive.  I worked hard and build our first home, but she wanted to work suddenly and months later she was committing adultery, leaving me with a young 6 year old step-son who I had adopted and by then had learnt to love as my own, also my own 3 year old son and a 12 month old in my arms each night, while she was off with her new squeeze.  It was a terrible dark time for me, as she trod her new found grass  suddenly greener and someone new with more money than I to make her her feel very special indeed.  Naturally he was wiser than me and soon saw past her, particularly after I had confronted him and explained she was not entirely stable and most certainly had responsibilities of a family she was totally neglecting.   My wife and I eventually (with a lot of hard work),  put it back together and struggled on.  We had two more children and we bought a lovely large home near the beach... .an utterly gorgeous sub-tropical place to live with golden beaches, surf, cafes, everything for a lovely life.  Even the climate here is mild rarely too hot or too cold.  My ex could never hold down a full time job for long, and she was always determined to be the best and within months people began to recent her.  She is a very clever individual, talent off the charts, and manic at times enough to drive herself for days with no sleep, the collapse and get sick from exhaustion, a trait still typical for her even today.   The main problem with relating to others... .a lack of empathy, impatience and bizarre self image issues, either over accentuated always trying to best people that have been practicing for years and her often managing short term amazing faux results, but then crashing and having zero self worth.   One night she took me outside and told me she loved me, but was no longer in love with me and wanted to move downstairs and no longer sleep with me and planned to move out.  I was devastated for the 2nd time.  I had worked so hard to buy our 2nd home, in a truly beautiful beach resort with great schools for the kids.  We had finally managed to get it furnished to perfection.   Within a few weeks, she found a flat, I borrowed the money to fit it out, for the kids to live part time with her and as it turned out, she was gone for just 6 months, another $20k wasted.
I must admit, that I tried very hard to win her back, taking her on dates.  She later told me an interesting story.  She said she went to a night club in the city and met an Italian guy.  At the time she was physically very attractive.  She shared drinks with him and told her about her new found single life and what was going on in it.  So they talked for a good time and she was pretty interested in sleeping with him.  But to her surprise this guy said. you know I come here and sleep with lots of women, but he said he was not willing take her home to sleep with him. He said, Clearly your husband is a really decent man and he has not done you any wrong.  This was right in the middle of the GFC.  I had contracted at this time, severe prostate issues and was in constant physical pain.  This is very unusual for me as I rarely have more than 1 or 2 days off a year sick from work.   Needless to say, I was in all sorts of hurt in more ways than one.  The crippling pain of that was nothing to the emotional pain I felt at that time.  I knew survival of my family and roof over their heads, was entirely up to me.  I gave myself a week to mourn as it were.  I would go into the garage weap for 5 or 10 minutes, as my family was being torn apart for the 2nd time, then wipe my tears and go back to the basement office and get stuck into figuring out how to make money, to save my job and help the company I worked for at the time recover.  I gave myself one week to get over it, as I had to man-up or all my kids, who could very soon be on the street unless I held things together.   I also needed to fight to get my wife back, no matter how difficult the task.  Drs and specialists at the time made no impression on my condition, but did a heap of research and eventually tried a range of natural remedies, several of which proved successful, that allowed me to heal fully, as I passed through that very dark winter. 
As it turned out my little kids and teenagers for the more part decided to stay with me.  The kids stayed despite us supposed to be having joint custody.  They simply wanted to be home secure with me (Dad) as autumn became winter and eventually in late Spring she returned.   I put in a lot of work to win her back, after all my family was at stake. Whatever the price I was willing to pay it.  And pay I did.  As one of my sons said to me (the one I nursed at 12 months with his Mother out with another man)  Mum was a truly dreadful mother, but she was was an even more dreadful wife to you Dad.   That now from a son in his 20s, with his own scars from all ths.  Anyhow as the story goes, after 6 months, she returned but it was never the same.  As she could not get the kids to stay with her for very long at all when in the flat, they pulled away from her as they lost any trust they had formerly enjoyed.  I started to take my daughter to ballet, do more of the cooking as she edged further out of their lives.  When she was gone for the 6 months, I made strong attempts to try to date her also and win her back and was partially successful. We even tried counselling for a while after she returned, but it was expensive and she didn't like the very savvy lady, that could see straight through her flagrant manipulations. I then like a fool, bought here a business at great cost, something she had always dreamed of owning, but she ran that into the ground and we blew a heap of money in the process.  Her BPD appears to be linked to an abusive father.  He died some 4 years ago and she spiralled into a level of depression like I had never seen before.  She always hoped her father would ring up and say to her, I am sorry for hurting you when you were a child, please forgive me.  Well that was never going to happen.  No greater narcissist had I ever met prior.  He came and bummed off us for 2 weeks, when the kids were little,  then had the temerity to write to his 3rd wife complaining how we were not up to their rich status in life.  This scum-bag had abandoned his kids not once but twice from two previous marriages,  when each were little also, and had then gone overseas and the kids never got a cent, rarely a letter in those days.  Anyhow back to my wife or more accurately very soon ex wife to be.   After what must have been over a month or so locked in her room, I said to her.  You need to get out.  You are dying here.  Go sort yourself out, clearly I can't help, or rather you don't want my help.   She was seeing an idiot non-qualified therapist who did not believe in BPD and thought she had either bipolar disorder or post traumatic stress disorder.   The outcome was tears all day then locking hereself in the bedroom... .very unhealthy for everyone.  Somehow, I was blamed for it all too particularly when  I went overseas with work for 7 days.  Yes that heart grows not fonder thing (as mentioned in one of your columns) is so applicable to BPDs.  They punish you for going away and working your tail off to make a dollar.  To them you are just on a big junket.  Anyhow, I had lost my job due to a downturn in the local oil industry and was finalising a new one in a new industry.  Upon returning she had hatched a plan to go with my daughter to the USA, leaving behind my teenage sons the youngest of whom was 13 at the time.  Well she left and I very reluctantly let my daughter go also at 15 years of age.  It was a terrible gamble, but I was pretty convinced it would not last.  I honestly thought it would be a flash in the pan, she would come home after 6 or 12 months.  Well I was half correct.  Within 2 months my daughter returned to Australia.  Little surprise on that one though.   Whenever we would talk by phone while she was overseas, over a period of a few weeks she went from happy and excited, to just more and more miserable living with her BPD mother.  So my 15 year old girl came home (more debt, but one I willingly paid) and has only had a Dad since.  As she says now.  Mum does not even know me now.  I feel like the adult in the relationship and she is more like a child.  As one can imagine... .my wife continued to take money from the account to stay on in the USA and true to her style ran up credit card debt in my name and after 2 years of this in the USA, she had cost me a bloody fortune, always playing the poor unfulfilled and occasionally I want to kill myself card and me forking out vast sums and running ourselves into horrible debt as a result.  She found without a valid work visa, she could not work, so has been making money off the net a true hand to mouth effort.  She is very creative though and seems to have found a way to subsist to some extent.  Finally the money did run out and I told her she was on her own.   Fortunately I have always made good money and held down a solid salary over that time, but she was a total financial waster by anyone's standards.  To give you an idea, I once was paid $10k in annual bonuses and holiday pay.  She spent it all in just 2 days prior to Xmas.  When I checked the account, to book holidays the money was all gone.  I hit the roof as I and the family desperately needed a holiday away after a very heavy year of work.  I made her take back half the presents.  That just shows you how irresponsible she was with money.   Never the less she would often abuse me for not making enough money to support all of us.  I was often called a loser.  Ironically I have earned well over $100k a year for many years, but it was never enough for her. 
In the last two years, (she has been gone well over 3 years now),  I have swung things around and actually recovering very well.  A few more years of paying back debt and I will have all the personal debt gone and just a good sized mortgage to pay down... .plus now have to figure out how I might settle up on a divorce.
Part of me (the stupid side) is still suffering from a desire to have her back, my perfect family, which naturally was always full of strife, when she didn't get exactly what she wanted.  We now live a really peaceful very loving life style, albeit very boring.  She leaves particularly at Christmas a big dent, though she was a horror to be around a for the week or two before Xmas.  Now she is gone, we (the kids and I) rarely argue and when we do, it is quickly sorted and we get on with life again.  Since she left I have got my son into Uni and he is utterly thriving with new GF and great results.  My daughter starts Uni in a few months and have my son starting an accounting course also, despite some ups and down with him this year.  The kids by and large a lovely... .spoilt, but just lovely people to be around. 
The final insult came a few weeks ago.  I was informed by one of my sons, who checked my ex Facebook and doing a bit of reading between the lines, discovered she was living with some guy in the USA, and also got to see her on his website also.  She is living there totally illegally I might add also, now way over her tourist visa stay time.  Her Mother a nasty piece of work in her own right, seems to have signed off on this, but frankly deep down in my heart of hearts I pity him as reality takes shape in the years to come, as it did for me.  He will pay a horrible price, the adulterous scumbag.  My wife did actually get to see a real psychiatrist some years ago and he said you are a classic BPD.  He indicated it was impossible for her marriage to have lasted this long.  AS one of my kind friends indicates, I am apparently the most patient person he has ever met.  In the scale of things, I guess by shear trial and error, when I had to deal with the wacky wife, learnt how to push some of her very few available right buttons on occasion, to keep things as balanced as one might, but most of all trying to keep a happy home for my kids. 
So why am I here?  The problem with a BPD they leave a massive hole in your life.  The last few weeks I found out she has a BF.  A bit more probing the mother in law over Xmas and the truth comes out, as I connect the dots.  It leaves me speechless. Here she is again, taking money from me, deriding me for not giving her enough, then at the same time both my ex and her scum bag Mother, are going out for dinner on my account, (Then she admist, (my mother in law), that she was living under the new BF roof on holiday as it were) then comes back and says nothing to me.  I tell her I am worried about her and try to get money to her as I can afford... .she says nothing at all.  I am now told, she is apparently going back again for 6 weeks this year, for a do over.  Now she spends less than a couple of evenings every year to see my kids.  Now she tells me this guy is very poor, but very nice to my ex apparently (and makes her very happy) and has a couple of kids, she will begin to screw up.   She wanted me to throw out my kids, but I said the modern Australian structure requires a highly educated workforce, either that or living very poorly indeed.  I want my kids to have tertiary qualifications in other words full university training so they are well kitted for this new world we live in. 
Now my 13 year old when she left, was the most handsome lovely kind, sweet kid anybody could ever have possibly wished for.  My other kids any of them are equally gorgeous, just older.  But particularly my youngest, kind loving and she just walked out on him.  Now she has a new BF and a new family suddenly and 2 more kids to start screwing with their brains.  I know deep down I should go... .thank goodness I have dodged a bullet and perhaps even at my age mid 50s, can find a new partner, but now after well over 3 years, I just can't let go and I am so angry with myself.  I know my mental dream is false, I know the kids and I are way better of with her 12,000 miles away now, but I guess being one of the only 1% of couples married so long with a bunch of kids divorcing is just a whole lot of sad.  A quarter century is too long and I had to work and discipline myself, so hard, for so long,  to love her and absolutely have no thoughts about anybody else in my life and become a truly virtuous good, hard working decent moral person and while I am far from perfect and clearly quirky enough to marry one such as her, I worked at finding the hidden riches that only exist in a BPD relationship.  It is wacky but stimulating at the same time and drives you to be better than best a lot of the time.  The outcome however of supporting all for so long and now managing a massive financial come back the last few years, has helped me rebuild a very shattered ego. I now know most of the key problems were not me, they were her.  Yes I take responsibility after all I got myself into this mess a long time ago.   I am frustrated now that I have to go through more pain to unlearn the process of being the husband of but one wife for life.  I have no interest in another woman in my life just yet,  but desperately miss a confidant and partner.  Over the last 3-4 year I have written copiously to her, trying to keep her in touch with her kids, but unfortunately the elder ones despise her and now the young onis taking the same path.  My daughter has her moments, but the relationship too is waning with her Mother, so far away.   I do need a divorce, get my head straighten as much as it may,  then I do need to start dating, starting with just friendship perhaps, find my drive once devoted to her needs, by mixing with some emotionally healthy people, maybe date on day, but this time not a fruit loop.

[Go]

Greetings all.
I have been married to a BPD wife for some decades now. We had a number of children together.  It was a terrible marriage, with her physically and perhaps worse emotionally abusive.  I worked hard and build our first home, but she wanted to work suddenly and months later she was committing adultery, leaving me with a young 6 year old step-son who I had adopted and by then had learnt to love as my own, also my own 3 year old son and a 12 month old in my arms each night, while she was off with her new squeeze.  It was a terrible dark time for me, as she trod her new found grass  suddenly greener and someone new with more money than I to make her her feel very special indeed.  Naturally he was wiser than me and soon saw past her, particularly after I had confronted him and explained she was not entirely stable and most certainly had responsibilities of a family she was totally neglecting.   My wife and I eventually (with a lot of hard work),  put it back together and struggled on.  We had two more children and we bought a lovely large home near the beach... .an utterly gorgeous sub-tropical place to live with golden beaches, surf, cafes, everything for a lovely life.  Even the climate here is mild rarely too hot or too cold.  My ex could never hold down a full time job for long, and she was always determined to be the best and within months people began to recent her.  She is a very clever individual, talent off the charts, and manic at times enough to drive herself for days with no sleep, the collapse and get sick from exhaustion, a trait still typical for her even today.   The main problem with relating to others... .a lack of empathy, impatience and bizarre self image issues, either over accentuated always trying to best people that have been practicing for years and her often managing short term amazing faux results, but then crashing and having zero self worth.   One night she took me outside and told me she loved me, but was no longer in love with me and wanted to move downstairs and no longer sleep with me and planned to move out.  I was devastated for the 2nd time.  I had worked so hard to buy our 2nd home, in a truly beautiful beach resort with great schools for the kids.  We had finally managed to get it furnished to perfection.   Within a few weeks, she found a flat, I borrowed the money to fit it out, for the kids to live part time with her and as it turned out, she was gone for just 6 months, another $20k wasted.
I must admit, that I tried very hard to win her back, taking her on dates.  She later told me an interesting story.  She said she went to a night club in the city and met an Italian guy.  At the time she was physically very attractive.  She shared drinks with him and told her about her new found single life and what was going on in it.  So they talked for a good time and she was pretty interested in sleeping with him.  But to her surprise this guy said. you know I come here and sleep with lots of women, but he said he was not willing take her home to sleep with him. He said, Clearly your husband is a really decent man and he has not done you any wrong.  This was right in the middle of the GFC.  I had contracted at this time, severe prostate issues and was in constant physical pain.  This is very unusual for me as I rarely have more than 1 or 2 days off a year sick from work.   Needless to say, I was in all sorts of hurt in more ways than one.  The crippling pain of that was nothing to the emotional pain I felt at that time.  I knew survival of my family and roof over their heads, was entirely up to me.  I gave myself a week to mourn as it were.  I would go into the garage weap for 5 or 10 minutes, as my family was being torn apart for the 2nd time, then wipe my tears and go back to the basement office and get stuck into figuring out how to make money, to save my job and help the company I worked for at the time recover.  I gave myself one week to get over it, as I had to man-up or all my kids, who could very soon be on the street unless I held things together.   I also needed to fight to get my wife back, no matter how difficult the task.  Drs and specialists at the time made no impression on my condition, but did a heap of research and eventually tried a range of natural remedies, several of which proved successful, that allowed me to heal fully, as I passed through that very dark winter. 
As it turned out my little kids and teenagers for the more part decided to stay with me.  The kids stayed despite us supposed to be having joint custody.  They simply wanted to be home secure with me (Dad) as autumn became winter and eventually in late Spring she returned.   I put in a lot of work to win her back, after all my family was at stake. Whatever the price I was willing to pay it.  And pay I did.  As one of my sons said to me (the one I nursed at 12 months with his Mother out with another man)  Mum was a truly dreadful mother, but she was was an even more dreadful wife to you Dad.   That now from a son in his 20s, with his own scars from all ths.  Anyhow as the story goes, after 6 months, she returned but it was never the same.  As she could not get the kids to stay with her for very long at all when in the flat, they pulled away from her as they lost any trust they had formerly enjoyed.  I started to take my daughter to ballet, do more of the cooking as she edged further out of their lives.  When she was gone for the 6 months, I made strong attempts to try to date her also and win her back and was partially successful. We even tried counselling for a while after she returned, but it was expensive and she didn't like the very savvy lady, that could see straight through her flagrant manipulations. I then like a fool, bought here a business at great cost, something she had always dreamed of owning, but she ran that into the ground and we blew a heap of money in the process.  Her BPD appears to be linked to an abusive father.  He died some 4 years ago and she spiralled into a level of depression like I had never seen before.  She always hoped her father would ring up and say to her, I am sorry for hurting you when you were a child, please forgive me.  Well that was never going to happen.  No greater narcissist had I ever met prior.  He came and bummed off us for 2 weeks, when the kids were little,  then had the temerity to write to his 3rd wife complaining how we were not up to their rich status in life.  This scum-bag had abandoned his kids not once but twice from two previous marriages,  when each were little also, and had then gone overseas and the kids never got a cent, rarely a letter in those days.  Anyhow back to my wife or more accurately very soon ex wife to be.   After what must have been over a month or so locked in her room, I said to her.  You need to get out.  You are dying here.  Go sort yourself out, clearly I can't help, or rather you don't want my help.   She was seeing an idiot non-qualified therapist who did not believe in BPD and thought she had either bipolar disorder or post traumatic stress disorder.   The outcome was tears all day then locking hereself in the bedroom... .very unhealthy for everyone.  Somehow, I was blamed for it all too particularly when  I went overseas with work for 7 days.  Yes that heart grows not fonder thing (as mentioned in one of your columns) is so applicable to BPDs.  They punish you for going away and working your tail off to make a dollar.  To them you are just on a big junket.  Anyhow, I had lost my job due to a downturn in the local oil industry and was finalising a new one in a new industry.  Upon returning she had hatched a plan to go with my daughter to the USA, leaving behind my teenage sons the youngest of whom was 13 at the time.  Well she left and I very reluctantly let my daughter go also at 15 years of age.  It was a terrible gamble, but I was pretty convinced it would not last.  I honestly thought it would be a flash in the pan, she would come home after 6 or 12 months.  Well I was half correct.  Within 2 months my daughter returned to Australia.  Little surprise on that one though.   Whenever we would talk by phone while she was overseas, over a period of a few weeks she went from happy and excited, to just more and more miserable living with her BPD mother.  So my 15 year old girl came home (more debt, but one I willingly paid) and has only had a Dad since.  As she says now.  Mum does not even know me now.  I feel like the adult in the relationship and she is more like a child.  As one can imagine... .my wife continued to take money from the account to stay on in the USA and true to her style ran up credit card debt in my name and after 2 years of this in the USA, she had cost me a bloody fortune, always playing the poor unfulfilled and occasionally I want to kill myself card and me forking out vast sums and running ourselves into horrible debt as a result.  She found without a valid work visa, she could not work, so has been making money off the net a true hand to mouth effort.  She is very creative though and seems to have found a way to subsist to some extent.  Finally the money did run out and I told her she was on her own.   Fortunately I have always made good money and held down a solid salary over that time, but she was a total financial waster by anyone's standards.  To give you an idea, I once was paid $10k in annual bonuses and holiday pay.  She spent it all in just 2 days prior to Xmas.  When I checked the account, to book holidays the money was all gone.  I hit the roof as I and the family desperately needed a holiday away after a very heavy year of work.  I made her take back half the presents.  That just shows you how irresponsible she was with money.   Never the less she would often abuse me for not making enough money to support all of us.  I was often called a loser.  Ironically I have earned well over $100k a year for many years, but it was never enough for her. 
In the last two years, (she has been gone well over 3 years now),  I have swung things around and actually recovering very well.  A few more years of paying back debt and I will have all the personal debt gone and just a good sized mortgage to pay down... .plus now have to figure out how I might settle up on a divorce.
Part of me (the stupid side) is still suffering from a desire to have her back, my perfect family, which naturally was always full of strife, when she didn't get exactly what she wanted.  We now live a really peaceful very loving life style, albeit very boring.  She leaves particularly at Christmas a big dent, though she was a horror to be around a for the week or two before Xmas.  Now she is gone, we (the kids and I) rarely argue and when we do, it is quickly sorted and we get on with life again.  Since she left I have got my son into Uni and he is utterly thriving with new GF and great results.  My daughter starts Uni in a few months and have my son starting an accounting course also, despite some ups and down with him this year.  The kids by and large a lovely... .spoilt, but just lovely people to be around. 
The final insult came a few weeks ago.  I was informed by one of my sons, who checked my ex Facebook and doing a bit of reading between the lines, discovered she was living with some guy in the USA, and also got to see her on his website also.  She is living there totally illegally I might add also, now way over her tourist visa stay time.  Her Mother a nasty piece of work in her own right, seems to have signed off on this, but frankly deep down in my heart of hearts I pity him as reality takes shape in the years to come, as it did for me.  He will pay a horrible price, the adulterous scumbag.  My wife did actually get to see a real psychiatrist some years ago and he said you are a classic BPD.  He indicated it was impossible for her marriage to have lasted this long.  AS one of my kind friends indicates, I am apparently the most patient person he has ever met.  In the scale of things, I guess by shear trial and error, when I had to deal with the wacky wife, learnt how to push some of her very few available right buttons on occasion, to keep things as balanced as one might, but most of all trying to keep a happy home for my kids. 
So why am I here?  The problem with a BPD they leave a massive hole in your life.  The last few weeks I found out she has a BF.  A bit more probing the mother in law over Xmas and the truth comes out, as I connect the dots.  It leaves me speechless. Here she is again, taking money from me, deriding me for not giving her enough, then at the same time both my ex and her scum bag Mother, are going out for dinner on my account, (Then she admist, (my mother in law), that she was living under the new BF roof on holiday as it were) then comes back and says nothing to me.  I tell her I am worried about her and try to get money to her as I can afford... .she says nothing at all.  I am now told, she is apparently going back again for 6 weeks this year, for a do over.  Now she spends less than a couple of evenings every year to see my kids.  Now she tells me this guy is very poor, but very nice to my ex apparently (and makes her very happy) and has a couple of kids, she will begin to screw up.   She wanted me to throw out my kids, but I said the modern Australian structure requires a highly educated workforce, either that or living very poorly indeed.  I want my kids to have tertiary qualifications in other words full university training so they are well kitted for this new world we live in. 
Now my 13 year old when she left, was the most handsome lovely kind, sweet kid anybody could ever have possibly wished for.  My other kids any of them are equally gorgeous, just older.  But particularly my youngest, kind loving and she just walked out on him.  Now she has a new BF and a new family suddenly and 2 more kids to start screwing with their brains.  I know deep down I should go... .thank goodness I have dodged a bullet and perhaps even at my age mid 50s, can find a new partner, but now after well over 3 years, I just can't let go and I am so angry with myself.  I know my mental dream is false, I know the kids and I are way better of with her 12,000 miles away now, but I guess being one of the only 1% of couples married so long with a bunch of kids divorcing is just a whole lot of sad.  A quarter century is too long and I had to work and discipline myself, so hard, for so long,  to love her and absolutely have no thoughts about anybody else in my life and become a truly virtuous good, hard working decent moral person and while I am far from perfect and clearly quirky enough to marry one such as her, I worked at finding the hidden riches that only exist in a BPD relationship.  It is wacky but stimulating at the same time and drives you to be better than best a lot of the time.  The outcome however of supporting all for so long and now managing a massive financial come back the last few years, has helped me rebuild a very shattered ego. I now know most of the key problems were not me, they were her.  Yes I take responsibility after all I got myself into this mess a long time ago.   I am frustrated now that I have to go through more pain to unlearn the process of being the husband of but one wife for life.  I have no interest in another woman in my life just yet,  but desperately miss a confidant and partner.  Over the last 3-4 year I have written copiously to her, trying to keep her in touch with her kids, but unfortunately the elder ones despise her and now the young onis taking the same path.  My daughter has her moments, but the relationship too is waning with her Mother, so far away.   I do need a divorce, get my head straighten as much as it may,  then I do need to start dating, starting with just friendship perhaps, find my drive once devoted to her needs, by mixing with some emotionally healthy people, maybe date on day, but this time not a fruit loop.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Go and welcome 

Boy am I glad you found us.  Firstly I'd like to say thank you for sharing your story with us.  Also that I'm amazed at your seemingly calm and rational approach to what you've been through for all of these years.  You really went the distance on this marriage.  I can imagine the prospect of starting over and detaching fully from your wife must be scary as well as relieving in some ways.  We can understand that here.

Sorry to hear that your children have developed the feelings you describe for their mother.  They have certainly been through the mill also.  I commend you on your ability as a father to remain a constant and stable factor in their lives.  Do any of you see a therapist to support you through recovery from the behaviours you've encountered?   

Love and light x 

[Go]

Thank you for the very kind response.  I found out even more horror news early in the month.  Not the time nor place to go into this, but seriously played crazy with the entire family and no less my head.  I understand now why the Mother in Law and her family had distance with me and the kids.  We sat and had a long conversation and many, many tears over the ensuing first few days of 2018 after a few hours Skype discussion with my ex and a great deal at last came out in the wash, as to the last 3 plus years.   For me it asked more questions than it answered, but I now realise it is not necessary to understand the mind of madness, other than accept crazy is, what crazy does. 

As to my inlaws, we each asked forgiveness of each other, both taken for a 25 year ride and realised the BPT wife was driving wedges to make herself the victim and stir up trouble that really was not there or if so was more easily cured with a bit of love and kindness.  My BPD/w was able to elicit sympathy and power by so doing.  She would create trauma to play the victim and then break me down to big note herself with others. Sick, twisted and me all the while just trying to learn to be a loving kind husband as I thought. 

While either of us are far from perfect, by and large our hearts are in the right place.  We can now see that rather than calming down troubled waters, my BPD wife, was constantly throwing in bombs to cause problems.  Mothers being mothers, reacted to me the son in law... .and so ill feeling resulted.  We both agree, it is time for me and also they themselves now perhaps, to get out of Dodge. 

We both love our BPT /wife/daughter/etc, etc, but there is no solution where she is now and unlikely to be until she hits absolute rock bottom and she is well on the way now, with this new cleary narcissist BF, who apparently (at present) can do no wrong.  But then again, like attracts like.  I would be worried now if she was longer attracted to me in any way.  I would hope that in me is much that would repulse such wicked, perverse and purely self serving behaviour. 

Rightfully or wrongfully, I am now working on my divorce/settlement papers, though have to con myself each day to do a little, as it is like throwing acid into my soul, having devoted myself to my family for years, with unswerving energies.  I learnt to be virtuous as but a young man and so now as a middle aged man, my love remains firmly, for but one woman, my wife.  Tough Gig! 

Now we find, she was spending my hard earned money in the 10's of thousands while she was having an affair.   Was like me choosing to stab new holes in old wounds this week, still going through every cent she spent from my bank/credit accounts (as I was treating her as depressed and just needing break from both me and the kids... .she was always mercurial and of its nature likely to return again, at least so I thought at the time.

Clear now she is better understood as classically a BPD and par for this personality, having yet another affair... .some might say what a fool I am... .Yes it is true.  We are all fools for love... .particularly many of us here... .(LOL, not)  For me, I was just happy that she was alive still and as I was hoping in time healing).

I should have known though she would have an affair at the drop of a hat.  That was clearer only as time went on. The bank account receipt, found a few days ago... .the one that truly stung, was $138 on laser hair removal just 1 day before she flew away forever, kissing her kids and her 13 year old goodbye forever. 

That of the thousands, not to mention overseas restaurant bills, food, accommodation and the list goes on and on, me paying for her going out to dinner with this scum, dispossessing my kids of a Mother and equally my BPT ex, dispossessing his still yet to be ex-wife of any means also.

For us left at home, there were no luxuries or even a movie on occasion, or money to have a bit of fun, save I carefully ferreted money away for weeks, to do something a bit special with the kids, which I did always on a tight budget.  Thank goodness for my older ones, that were there with their casual jobs and so unselfishly helped out when the pennies no longer stretched for bills like power and so forth.  I have learnt to run a very tight ship now, and we are pretty good at living off less.  This laser stuff for me, was the absolute final straw.  Why did I not see it at the time, you may ask?  Because I was busy hunting for a new job, then starting a new job and working often 16 hour days to get established and help the little company I had joined stay afloat and not a lot has changed.  Most week nights I get about 5 to 6 hours sleep.  I jealously spend time with my kids so get tired.

We now know 100% proof she was having intercourse with this man within days of arrival in another country and clearly this had been going on (online) before she left, with her locking herself in the bedroom to prevent discovery by myself prior to her leaving.  She was complaining of being depressed.  While I have always held down a good job and retained income for 100% of the time we have been married.  At the time I was between jobs, looking after 4 kids at home, 2 and high school age and with accrued leave, was just 6 weeks from being out of income.  The Lord smiled down in my darkest hour and I landed an even better job than before.  I had to work like a dog, but work and in time thrive I did. 

Now looking at the finances outlaid for her,  so far I have itemised what may around $1,000 per month perhaps far more, (yet to finish itemising) which went on for years, from a range of accounts to pay for her adulterous very long holiday that went on for years and still is. 

As it turns out, her new BF, was a man with a wife and kid.  Over the next 3 years, he pushed his wife and youngest son, out of their home, dispossessing them of a home and the kicker, now does not pay them one cent in alimony either.  In Feb 2017 or there about, my wife moved into this shack... .very much his new slut... .cruel?... .no sorry accurate! 

By this time I was right out of money, all the credit cards long maxed out over the prior years. The banks required this to be fully repaid and since she has walked away from everything with not a cent coming back my way, it is left up to me to pay all the bills, including 100% support of my kids, particularly the younger ones. 

I have now paid out about half of the debts.  (Fiscal constriction I have learned so very well these past years).  This continues every week and will for another 2 or 3 years so long as I have work.  Arriving at a point, I fully weaned her from my finance in early 2017.  By February, the BF divorce was over and done, the wife and kid gone and my wife had moved in with him.  This level of not just BPD but utter narcissism at its most profound, with clearly no regard for her 4 children she left behind, his 2nd child now kicked out, without a Dad now either... .and pretty much says it all in my opinion. 

I then looked long and hard at our marriage and saw a portion of it with new eyes.  I saw what I thought was the thin veneer of what I thought was love somewhat differently... .not necessarily saying there was none, but seeing from an obsessive, self interested behaviour point of view.  It was pretty sad.  What I once thought was a full complete person soon became, more a realisation of a hollow shelled out human, desperate for substance in their life but unable to appreciate others working their tail off and making great and constant sacrifices for them. 

Yes there were the odd shining moments but the self image so weak and desperate, as to illicit no lasting change in them.  No wonder the adultery kept returning as constant theme.  I added up 26 characteristics any partner has reasonable right to expect from their spouse in a good marriage.
These include virtue, trust, kindness, unconditional love, honesty, self discipline, fiscal responsibility, devotion to children, mindfulness, partnership through compromise... .

My #2 son, just walked out of his room stuck his head around the corner and said, "LoveyouDad" then wandered off.  How rich am I? 

Was it worth it all those years of hell... .you betcha, but the game is not over and the battle far from won yet, so I need to be about my work and surely through this pain, it becomes so easy to see all those lovely angels in our lives and give humble gratitude to the great Creator for all he teaches us in in our lives.  Perhaps if I can put aside my foibles as a human and cling to higher principles and live a life full of values, then while there will be loneliness and heartache on occasion as we must all learn to bear, surely as we seek after only that which is edifying and brings out our best, gives capacity for the Lord to bless us.  As we all know kindness is its own reward.  Surely as we learn to keep his commandments and love others, despite even those most perverse with wicked flaws, perhaps with faith we can take ourselves to safe places and be means to do much good in this world.

So where for me now?  Well I have been socialising again, some total angels friends of mine from long ago rang me and said, please come over for dinner, we haven't seen you in quarter of a century.   It was true, close friends given up because of my very jealous BPD wife, who pushed all my very dearest friends away and I was cool with that at the time, as they were in many cases the opposite sex, so perhaps not a good thing to have around in early, in our case particularly turbulent marriage. 

They are however virtuous people and we smiled and laughed and I got to meet their spouse and kids, meet with truly lovely principled, humble like minded people, again friends for life.  I was saddened how my wife's effort to push others way, we had too often robbed ourselves of many friendships that would have been wonderful in marriage and a chance to lift each other up from time to time, as everyone has their ups and downs and friendships... .good friendships can make difficult times, so much shorter, with a wise word of counsel when needed.  My best male friend, who I did not give up, said to me... ."Thank goodness you are finally divorcing that terrible woman".  "She has caused you and the kids nothing but hurt and pain."  The sooner you are rid of her the better.  The voice of reason?  Perhaps, it is time to move on.  After all I have not lost anything, save a deeply dark and often evil person from my life.  I mourn for the wonderful inside her that I was unable despite all to tap into and bring to light.  I realise now that I have been merely putting off the inevitable and my efforts no matter how valiant I thought, were compromising my values and I was falling far short of all that I could have been, with perhaps wiser decisions earlier on.   I gave up a great deal for not a lot in hindsight?  No far from it.  My youngest just walked downstairs and said Hi, Dad.  I said, love you big guy... .he said. youtooDad.  The words flow so close together now, as they are so often practiced...   I just realised that... .How wonderful is life, that through sadness we might be so deeply blessed for our patience. 

 So for me it is work as usual, continuing on I hope for some years. My lifetime plan on track for the more part, of getting my kids through their tertiary education, so we together now are in the last half-ish decade of this phase, and do my very best now as I age, to hold firm and steady being there everyday to spend time with my kids to tell them they are loved, supported and so deeply appreciated for being so lovely and such superb examples of human-kind at its best. 

Each have their headwinds to face and I am there to keep their eyes lined firmly upon the horizon and the heavens above it, while enjoying the every moment that this precious life offers, and hopefully not missing a thing as they make their way through this precious life on earth.

You need to know, that I am deeply grateful for what I Have been able to experience.  It was worth it, to have just one of my children in my life, but to have all 5 close by and eat and laugh with them often, even they who love and trust me is a gift with no equal as  parent.   To have them near at Christmas (in fact all year) is a blessing of immense proportions. 

As to a having a developed over time a trusted wife, companion, best friend, lover I have lost what little I had... .and my heart breaks still.  My soul has had to dig ever deeper with each year.  Rather than bitter, I give grateful thanks to a creator, who was able to allow me to experience so much, if only for fleeting moments along the way.  In serving others, even one less grateful for now at least, perhaps forever, I have been able to find myself and believe, in fact know, that with some guidance from above anything is possible.  However there are paths for each of us to walk and some of us no longer perhaps.  We only get given, (as we make ourselves ready to receive).  Let's face it we all here in this place are very good and sticking our heads in the intransigence sand too often) but as my desires are good and roughly in the right direction I need to pursue, so far as my understanding goes, then the knowledge will flow.   As it comes, I will pursue it with increased vigour, as my strength in time returns to me.  Surely it will, even today a little more than yesterday and so it grows again.

While it must be that we learn to forgive, as we have not trodden an inch in another's tracks, still we see with wisdom now yet our SO's car crash in the making, but one I will hopefully be at some significant distance from and able to support my kids, when all this huge disaster in the making explodes ten thousand miles away, as it must. 

We all have shared the same words to my BPD wife, but continued bad choices and stubborn intransigence are not close companions of wisdom's ways nor means to find her better path.  I have pondered greatly upon things as they are and feel to pursue a path that protects and nourishes my children's best interests and my future. 

If at first in blindness perhaps, still I felt impressed to hold course, in my mind over those years, it seemed that I held the tiller of a little boat with a full head of sail, tight into the wind, through a very rough sea. When it was all too much, I felt impressed to stay the course and hold firm my direction until the words at last came to my yearning for respite... .just a little while yet.  In July 2017 it seemed to me that I had arrived suddenly upon a tropical beach and it was given me to do as I wished.  The first of one massive credit card debt was paid out in September and life began to ease for the first time in 3 years.  The decision was to set sail again or to stop and figure a way overland perhaps.  I stopped, it was time to do some navigation first... .and so knowledge was forthcoming.  I was ready for the pain that was to come.  I would now like to think, I have done my duty and now it is given me to choose. 

There was a reason I needed to hold my course, now I understand, not me, not my children, not my wife, but reasons here... .not a good place to discuss such, but perhaps I will when I am ready, if there are any truly interested. Harley, I have not as yet sought professional counsel.   Perhaps it is wise and will also help my kids too.  We are made of pretty stout stuff having passed as we have through all this for some time now.  My youngest I think I will need to get him some help though.  He of all has received the worst of it the last few years.  Anyhow I have things to do today, but try to write to square my head and hopefully to tell others they should not feel used or abused, but gratitude they are now in a position to bring this horror into either perspective or if they so choose to an end one way or the another so the can begin the process of being truly whole again.
Reg, So