How do you stop kidding yourself, and let go of hope?

[Pencil sketch]

My ex BPD, called time on our relationship again in August, and finally changed her number, 4 weeks ago. I try to convince myself, she won't get in touch again, but deep down, I want her to.
How do we let go of hope, I have been here so many times, how do I tell myself, this is it.
Why does the heart, take so long to catch up.

[Confused99]

I know exactly where you are.  Funny I had a certain ring tone for her and when I would hear it my stomach dropped.  Like I loved and hated hearing it at the same time.  Like being a alcoholic.   All I can tell you is it takes time.  I stated in beds for weeks at a time.  Couldn’t eat.  Couldn’t sleep.  Total disaster.  I dated but was never into it.  Then I met someone.   Took some time.  But now 2 years into this I would never go back.  Now I hate.  And hate is good.  I won’t lie I still think about her all the time. But not in that way.  It’s for a few seconds before I realize how horrible she was.  Head up.  One day at a time.  Promise time will heal

[Ragnarok4]

My ex BPD, called time on our relationship again in August, and finally changed her number, 4 weeks ago. I try to convince myself, she won't get in touch again, but deep down, I want her to.
How do we let go of hope, I have been here so many times, how do I tell myself, this is it.
Why does the heart, take so long to catch up.

One of my closest friends told me, "take as long as you need to heal." Its hard since others don't understand so they get mad when after some time and you still aren't over it.
You should look back at the things you did before you were in the relationship and focus on that. Go back to you roots to what you were doing and focus on that. Another thing that helped me is doing a lot of research on BPD. These resources here are great and they really make things come into perspective which for me makes things easier. You should look into that and see where that takes you.

[vanx]

It takes time. It's okay to still have hopes and dreams. Let yourself feel what you feel and try not to judge. There is a balance: one on hand, we can surrender control and say what will be will be. On the other, we can incorporate new questions: what can I do today to connect with others? What can I do today, right now, to be kind to myself? The feelings will pass. Don't make the mistake I did--just keep living your life!

[once removed]

explore it.

what are you hanging onto hope about? that she will reach out? that youll get back together?

something else maybe?

i think when you explore these things, it makes it easier to figure out what to do going forward.

[ynwa]

In my case, and I am sure others, we moved a lot of ourselves into trying to make it work.  We moved the pieces, and now they just don't fit.   

we tried so hard.  We fought for the relationship.  We tried so many different things. 

But looking at those statements, why would we have to do that with someone who was right for us?

I failed to realize that on top of the BPD, I would have to get over and accept the loss of a relationship.  It is like I am doing this twice.  I am at odds with myself.  I know and feel fully what she did to me and herself, and knowing that her traits drive her, makes me feel at times, that I could find new ways to do it over again.

Moving on and away is difficult when there is so much gray area.

Could you maybe give 5 reasons why it would work vs 3 it wouldnt?

[Pencil sketch]

Thank you for your answers.i don't know if any of you under stand, but, we want answers to so many questions, go around in your head, on here, Google, until you drive yourself mad, and YNWA I haven't the strength to think about, let alone answer, does anyone else feel like this?

[Shoct]

oh yes, most definitely Pencil sketch... .I drive myself mad constantly. I go from reading about BPD traits, to stories of people getting out of r/s with their BPD partner, to stories about recycles, final discards, everything. I keep thinking I am going to find that piece of information that lets me put this on a shelf for storage, but my brain WILL NOT let this go.

And no matter what intention i set for myself it seems that the second I am overcome I immediately do what I said I wasn't going to do.

One small example: I can't look at her instagram page anymore. I mean, I can, I am not blocked. But looking at it, seeing how happy and unaffected she looks, is like a slow stab. So, I told myself time and time again to have the discipline not to look. Just don't do it. And like 3 seconds later I am searching out her account. Madness.

[jody452]

I wish I had the answer. I think for us non's they BPD ex showed us a love and acceptance that we have never had before. Its something that i believe alot of us can't even give to ourselves and that is why we miss them so much and (I was going to say can't) but changing it to find it hard to let go.
When you'be spent most of your life thinking you are not good enough, then someone comes along who tells you that you are the best thing that has ever come into there lives you so want to believe it so bad.
Funny thing is and I'm sure alot of you get this to, others in your life tell you that you are a good person to. With me that tends to land on deaf ears I think they are saying it cause they are my friends and they have too.
So I still think the key is in us, there is something that happened to us as kids to that has drawn us to them and keeps drawing us to them, we have to dig deep into ourselves to work out what that was and even deeper to start loving ourselves I think once we start doing that we will let go and it will be easier.

[MeandThee29]

They call it "cognitive dissonance" which involves contradictory beliefs. I still hold some hope, but I've backed down on my expectations. Most of the time those two beliefs are in balance, but there are of course times they aren't.

Christmas was tough when we were opening presents. If we hadn't gone to be with upbeat friends after lunch for the remainder of the day, I think that I would have had a much harder day. My counsellor said that the first time through each holiday, birthday, and anniversary would be tough and to make sure that I did something positive then.

I've been exploring the Buddhist belief of "radical acceptance" within my own world view, and there is peace there.

[ynwa]

Hey Pencil,   Don't cut yourself short.  You ARE stronger than you will ever let yourself see. 

Having hope is a beautiful thing.  But.  And I am in your category, we want to see the story become real.

Relationships sometimes end.  And we are rejected.  And we have to carry on as though nothing is wrong. Because all the other moving parts of our lives have not stopped. But we see that one part connected to everything right?

You will get through this.  It is going to go through waves.  And there more you can "detach" and put other things into your mind and heart try them.

For now, accept that it is over.  And not for the forseeable future.  the reason?  YOU, take time for yourself and let yourself REALLY feel, really see just how many more possibilities there are.  Write them down, even the far fetched ones.  Maybe learning to fly a hot air balloon. etc.  This one person, this one path, is simply not your only choice.