I'm going through hell, and I need support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think I ve been with a possible undiagnosed BPD girlfriend, or may be I'm BPD, it's driving me crazy.
I met this girl almost 2 years ago, we started dating, and the first 8 months were the best periode of my life, i was feeling so complete, i felt like I won the jackpot, this girls seemed understanding me and accepting me with my insecurities and for who I m am, we had some severt fights, but that was managable, but the last year was crazy, we couldn't handle our fights properly, che was broking with me after every fight, and I was always the one who's going back to reconciliate, and she was always making me begging for her forgiveness... I remember one time I falled in tears begging her to stay with me, she was always saying to me that she deserve better, and that I m not treating her very well, I ve never understand her reactions, sometimes we were having fights about silly things and she was making me feel like I did the crime of the year... .I felt like I m walking in minefields... sometimes she was pretty nice, and sometimes she behave like an angel, but I don't recongnize her when she angry at me, sometimes just for a stupid joke that I made, she would interpret it as judgment or that I m criticizing her...

It's been a month ago that I broke up with here, she found some girls following me in instagram, that I ve never talked to, this was after a travel that we had together, and my phone was the hole time in front of her during this travel, she started calling me a sheater and lier, I confronted her with logic, I told her that she had access to my phone the hole travel time, and there was nothing, but she did'nt want to hear me, she start yelling at me and insulting my character and start blaming me for the hole old faults that I did in the past, and then she hang up, she was doing this all the time, I could'nt handle and I sent her a text telling here that I cant handle this any more and I can't continue like this, she insulted me and blocked me... she was always hanging up when we were discussing something on the phone because she knew that I will call her back., everytime she was breaking up with me, because she knew that I ll come back to her, that was making me sick, I don t go to the gyp, I don't eat... .

I sent here an email after 3 or 4 days after the break up, where I tryed to explain to her the hurt that I feel when she reject me, when she brings my old faults to the tables every fight, that I wasn t flurting with girls behind her back, with proofs and logic, but she wasn't hearing me, she called me a narcissic and manipulator, and that I was manipulating her, it's been a month, I could'nt stop thinking about this, i started questonning my sanity, i went to a therapit to see if I m really a narc, If I was a bad person, if I was treating her badly !

I can't be angry at her, and I can't hate her for all the hurt i m feeling, she seems that she passes to something else... I don't know how she can just moove on very quick... .I know that our relationship was toxic, I know the breaking up with her was the best thing to do, but I sometimes I feel guilty, and want her back, but I m scared at the same time.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your advices and support !

[Imad]

I think I ve been with a possible undiagnosed BPD girlfriend, or may be I'm BPD, it's driving me crazy.
I met this girl almost 2 years ago, we started dating, and the first 8 months were the best periode of my life, i was feeling so complete, i felt like I won the jackpot, this girls seemed understanding me and accepting me with my insecurities and for who I m am, we had some severt fights, but that was managable, but the last year was crazy, we couldn't handle our fights properly, che was broking with me after every fight, and I was always the one who's going back to reconciliate, and she was always making me begging for her forgiveness... I remember one time I falled in tears begging her to stay with me, she was always saying to me that she deserve better, and that I m not treating her very well, I ve never understand her reactions, sometimes we were having fights about silly things and she was making me feel like I did the crime of the year... .I felt like I m walking in minefields... sometimes she was pretty nice, and sometimes she behave like an angel, but I don't recongnize her when she angry at me, sometimes just for a stupid joke that I made, she would interpret it as judgment or that I m criticizing her...

It's been a month ago that I broke up with here, she found some girls following me in instagram, that I ve never talked to, this was after a travel that we had together, and my phone was the hole time in front of her during this travel, she started calling me a sheater and lier, I confronted her with logic, I told her that she had access to my phone the hole travel time, and there was nothing, but she did'nt want to hear me, she start yelling at me and insulting my character and start blaming me for the hole old faults that I did in the past, and then she hang up, she was doing this all the time, I could'nt handle and I sent her a text telling here that I cant handle this any more and I can't continue like this, she insulted me and blocked me... she was always hanging up when we were discussing something on the phone because she knew that I will call her back., everytime she was breaking up with me, because she knew that I ll come back to her, that was making me sick, I don t go to the gyp, I don't eat... .

I sent here an email after 3 or 4 days after the break up, where I tryed to explain to her the hurt that I feel when she reject me, when she brings my old faults to the tables every fight, that I wasn t flurting with girls behind her back, with proofs and logic, but she wasn't hearing me, she called me a narcissic and manipulator, and that I was manipulating her, it's been a month, I could'nt stop thinking about this, i started questonning my sanity, i went to a therapit to see if I m really a narc, If I was a bad person, if I was treating her badly !

I can't be angry at her, and I can't hate her for all the hurt i m feeling, she seems that she passes to something else... I don't know how she can just moove on very quick... .I know that our relationship was toxic, I know the breaking up with her was the best thing to do, but I sometimes I feel guilty, and want her back, but I m scared at the same time.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your advices and support !

[Ragnarok4]

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I truly feel for you. Seeking a therapist is great so I hope that you continue down that path for growth. It seems that everything is very fresh still and just unreal. Remember in the BPD mindset, they don't cope like everyone else does so they focus on the path of the least resistance. She will continue to follow her inner narrative unless she decides to recognize it. When they no longer feel that they can control you, they will try to control how others see you which is what it seems like with her friends and the whole instagram situation. The misinformation obviously seems fair but you must stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

Its good that you can't be angry or hate her. There might be times where you feel like you will but remind yourself of the truth. It takes tremendous strength to walk away from that and realize how toxic it is. Wanting her back is the idealization phase that isn't real. She expected you to be her savior but that inner narrative she has will only cater to her.

Stay strong and keep posting. I can totally relate to your situation. I'll be praying for you.

[Husband321]

Wow.  Same exact woman we shared.

Same exact cycle.  It became almost daily.  Her threatening to leave. Threatening divorce. Over nothing. I was also labeled a narcissist by her.

Often times she did just disappear.  I finally caught her lying and cheating red handed. 4 days ago.  She moved in with this guy she barely knew.  Left my son and I.  Her kids are confused.  

Hang in there.  I felt like throwing up and couldn't sleep for a few days.  But slowly getting better.

[Imad]

Thanks ragnarok for ur support... it s very encouraging... it was really why i needed to hear...

She wont recognize that she was just tripping... she had all evidence that i wasn t flirting behind her back... she had the key of my house and one day when i was at work... she checked my conversation in my ipad... and she didn t find nothing... she knew that wasn t playing arround... she tryed to contact me after the breakup... she sent me un email where she kept blaming me for the old faults... and that i wasnt capable of taking care of her emotional needs... and that she deserve better and that i ll regret breaking up with her coz i ll never find a girl like her... i replyrd trying to bring her attention about what i feel... she responded that i m manipulating her and i m playing the victim... that i m a coward and she deserve a a real man better that me... that was really mean... after that i decided to not answer anymore and to ignore her messages...

I can t realizing what happened and that she could say that... i know that i really loved her... i and still... but i know that was toxic... she broke my self esteem and my self respect...
 sometimes i feel guilty and I feel like it was my fault coz i couldn t understand her needs and i didn t know how to support her... but i know that i did my best... i dont know how i can stop thinking about her !

[Imad]

Thanks husband123 for the support and sharing ur story... i can feel you and i hope that u and the kids are doing better... good luck

[Ragnarok4]

I can t realizing what happened and that she could say that... i know that i really loved her... i and still... but i know that was toxic... she broke my self esteem and my self respect...
 sometimes i feel guilty and I feel like it was my fault coz i couldn t understand her needs and i didn t know how to support her... but i know that i did my best... i dont know how i can stop thinking about her !

That's what we're hear for.
Well that's all they want, their needs to be met but can't handle them even if they had them. They can't be accountable for their own actions because it exposes them so they have to put it on someone else.

This is a quote I got from someone on here and its spot on.
"The love we have for them goes deeper than what they’re capable of sustaining.  So they bounce between bouts of infatuation because that’s as deep as it gets for them.  Restarting a prior r/s feels like a new opportunity; in reality, we’re only a placeholder."

You see we're only being used for their OWN benefit, not for the sake of another or to EACH other like what a relationship is suppose to be. If you did everything that you could for her than its on her for not accepting of the man you are. But she doesn't see it that way. Once the infatuation starts to dwindle, we become the enemy before its too late to recognize it.

[Imad]

Thanks Ragnarock for the explanation... .I see things much clear now...