Getting others on board

[alwayshoping]

I have an adult daughter who has never been diagnosed (unemployed, uninsured) and two family members (husband and adult son) who simply see her as crazy and delusional; they love her dearly, but just want her to "get over it."    I am trying to practice the strategies I read about but feel unsupported; I have seen a therapist myself (and know about self care and do well much of the time) and have read everything I can get my hands on.  I understand how her mind works.  My husband and son don't want to talk about it; in fact, my husband wishes she'd just move away and is sure that I am a primary catalyst for her disregulation even though she vented on me for the first two hours today as he slept in about his indifference toward her expressed in the fact that I clearly picked out her gifts, not him.     He loves her and tries to show it but also is not emotionally able to understand what she experiences.      I am at wit's end.  I know I can't fix her (the last 48 hours were horrific- who doesn't love Christmas with BPD?), can't get her to get help, and cannot do anything but work on how I respond, but when the two other people she loves and needs most are basically refusing to deal with it, I am unsure of what to do.     I am hoping this group can help me see how others deal with this unbelievably complex illness.  I have many supportive friends, but NO ONE gets how awful this illness is. I am hoping for suggestions and insights from those who deal with this daily.    I am glad to have discovered this online community.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi alwayshoping

Welcome to our community.   You've come to right place for support, parents are in similar situations to you, they understand, you are not alone.   I'm sorry your husband and son don't yet understand your DD's disorder and you are at your wits end.

What helped me is starting at first point, how old is your DD, what behaviours are you dealing with? BPD is often co-morbid, depression, anxiety, ED... .do you think she's open to engaging help, a diagnosis? I ask that as my DD hit crisis 2015 and was so grateful for the diagnosis and treatment that followed.

WDx

[alwayshoping]

Thank you for your reply.   She is 33 and the only help she has sought is from a holisitic/medical dr., who has put her on a depression med. and numerous supplements and who has given her an anxiety "as needed" med.  I have no idea what my daughter actually takes as she moved out and is in a pretty sparse environment with her boyfriend.  The dr. is aware that the problem is more significant (we communicate as she is my dr. as well)  and has suggested both the local community services board and has urged her to apply for financial aid from the local hospital system to get her into that loop for more extensive care/diagnosis.  My daughter will not follow through; I have talked to her about it numerous times.    She did go to counseling for over 10 years after she returned home from college with an eating disorder, but I think that very well meaning person (who didn't get paid much of the time) finally just recognized that she was getting worse, not better,  after a huge crisis last January and after  she chose to stay in an abusive relationship and gradually stopped seeing her.  In her defense, she had retired from practice and was just doing it out of care, but while I know she was working on mindfulness practices and went well above and beyond with phone calls, etc. when there was a crisis (while she was working, there were frequent work related issues), she just wasn't making progress.    Now my daughter has resolved that therapy is useless as she feels rejected by that person as well.    She is very disregulated most of the time lately (the rages are frequent, she cries a great deal) , and her depression and anxiety are constant.  She is convinced that the three of us don't love and support her; nothing we do helps.  Her boyfriend suffers from his own issues (although he has stopped drinking, which ended the abuse mostly,  and is getting counseling) and will soon, I am afraid, not be able to deal with her anymore.  She has lost most of her friends.    She texts LONG rants that include suicidal ideas but has never done anything "major" enough to warrant hospitalization and would never voluntarily go.    After two perceptions of rejection on Christmas, she has vowed to cut us off again; this is a frequent pattern, and I am just waiting for her to go back to somewhat of a baseline to communicate again.  I fear we are headed for disaster.  I am continuing to read everything I can get my hands on and respond more effectively to diffuse things when she does get in touch.   Unfortunately, the more I read, the more she fits the traits of BPD, but she was reluctant to even be "diagnosed" with depression as she is terrified of being "crazy."  She has had functional years in the last few, but the last year and a half have been horrific.    I don't know where to turn.