First Xmas NC with Mom, but of course I did hear from her

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So another Christmas, come and gone, but this one was different, as it was the first Xmas I was no contact with my undiag BPD mom, but I made it!   

Although Mom lives on the other side of the country and hasn't been able to travel and we haven't spent xmas together in years, in the past, as the only family member still talking to her, I always made a big deal over her for xmas, lots of presents, cards, flowers, etc.  But since she and I haven't spoken by phone since September (i still get occasional vm's that show up but don't see the calls come in, and her emails go to my spam folder so i just check that when I feel up to it.) I was really dreading this year's XMas.

In the days just before Xmas, my spam folder was hit with some emails from her that ranged in emotions all the way from "how could you be so cold and unfeeling... ." to "I just watched your favorite xmas movie and miss you so much"... .to "there's never any reason not to talk and we need to talk this out... ." to "you obviously don't care about me so I'm putting you out of the will and will find someone else to take over the POA." I didn't respond to any of these messages and threats. Even when she called the money manager where I had moved her remaining funds to and asked to have them transferred back to her checking account I didn't reach out to her. (24 hours later she had changed her mind.)

So I went on with my xmas, which was spent with my gf and her adult children. She and I don't live together, but we do live in the same town. We rented a small little house at the beach for a few days. It was so very nice, being at the beach on off-season when there's no one around, and she and her kids are great. I definitely felt the pang of not having the healthy kind of relationship with my mom that my gf has with her kids and I definitely felt the pang of not being in touch with my mom.

On xmas eve, I made spaghetti carbonara and chocolate chip cookies for everyone and we watched "It's A Wonderful Life." I cried and was happy. It was such a lovely stress-free holiday. Xmas morning we walked on the beach, packed up and drove back to my gf's house where we all opened presents around the tree and ordered chinese food. It was perfect. We even had a little snow on the ground.

Always though in the back of my mind was the image of my mother alone in her apartment, in pain, (physically and emotionally) and probably drunk, in the dark with her little dog watching tv. But I pushed the thoughts aside. As I was getting ready for bed, I saw that a voicemail had come in, had to be well after midnight her time. I didn't want to listen to it but then I worried that she might be calling with a threat of suicide (something she has done in the past) and although I wouldn't have called her if that were the case, I would've called the police. So I made my gf listen to it and tell me if there was anything I needed to know. Apparently, she said it was a short and sweet message wishing me a merry christmas and saying that she loved me and was thinking of me.

This was the hardest thing to take. It made me so sad. It's easier to be mad at her when she's angry and abusive. It's harder to be sad and feel guilty and mourn the mother I never had and never will have. And to think of how sad she is. So I'm definitely in a post xmas depression, and looking forward to seeing my T the day after tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm reading everyone's posts and hoping that you all made it through the holidays ok.

[momisborderline]

So another Christmas, come and gone, but this one was different, as it was the first Xmas I was no contact with my undiag BPD mom, but I made it!   

Although Mom lives on the other side of the country and hasn't been able to travel and we haven't spent xmas together in years, in the past, as the only family member still talking to her, I always made a big deal over her for xmas, lots of presents, cards, flowers, etc.  But since she and I haven't spoken by phone since September (i still get occasional vm's that show up but don't see the calls come in, and her emails go to my spam folder so i just check that when I feel up to it.) I was really dreading this year's XMas.

In the days just before Xmas, my spam folder was hit with some emails from her that ranged in emotions all the way from "how could you be so cold and unfeeling... ." to "I just watched your favorite xmas movie and miss you so much"... .to "there's never any reason not to talk and we need to talk this out... ." to "you obviously don't care about me so I'm putting you out of the will and will find someone else to take over the POA." I didn't respond to any of these messages and threats. Even when she called the money manager where I had moved her remaining funds to and asked to have them transferred back to her checking account I didn't reach out to her. (24 hours later she had changed her mind.)

So I went on with my xmas, which was spent with my gf and her adult children. She and I don't live together, but we do live in the same town. We rented a small little house at the beach for a few days. It was so very nice, being at the beach on off-season when there's no one around, and she and her kids are great. I definitely felt the pang of not having the healthy kind of relationship with my mom that my gf has with her kids and I definitely felt the pang of not being in touch with my mom.

On xmas eve, I made spaghetti carbonara and chocolate chip cookies for everyone and we watched "It's A Wonderful Life." I cried and was happy. It was such a lovely stress-free holiday. Xmas morning we walked on the beach, packed up and drove back to my gf's house where we all opened presents around the tree and ordered chinese food. It was perfect. We even had a little snow on the ground.

Always though in the back of my mind was the image of my mother alone in her apartment, in pain, (physically and emotionally) and probably drunk, in the dark with her little dog watching tv. But I pushed the thoughts aside. As I was getting ready for bed, I saw that a voicemail had come in, had to be well after midnight her time. I didn't want to listen to it but then I worried that she might be calling with a threat of suicide (something she has done in the past) and although I wouldn't have called her if that were the case, I would've called the police. So I made my gf listen to it and tell me if there was anything I needed to know. Apparently, she said it was a short and sweet message wishing me a merry christmas and saying that she loved me and was thinking of me.

This was the hardest thing to take. It made me so sad. It's easier to be mad at her when she's angry and abusive. It's harder to be sad and feel guilty and mourn the mother I never had and never will have. And to think of how sad she is. So I'm definitely in a post xmas depression, and looking forward to seeing my T the day after tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm reading everyone's posts and hoping that you all made it through the holidays ok.

[Struggles]

Hi momisborderline,

I’m so glad you had a good time at the beach with your girlfriend and her children.  You deserve that, and to be happy.  I’m so sorry that you felt the sadness though as well.  You are such a strong person! 

We may be long lost sisters, I did pasta and chocolate too . 

I’m glad that atleast the voicemail wasn’t a bad one.  It’s so weird how the BPDs in our lives range from a nice and then in a snap turn so bad. 

I also often look at healthy families relationships and get that pang or a longing to have that kind of healthy relationship.  It’s so nice to atleast have that on one side, and maybe what you have longed for for so long with your mom, you can find in your girlfriends family.  Like someone mentioned in a previous post “our chosen families”. 

I also read your reply to my post, I appreciate your well wishes.  And Harri gave some great advice that sometimes we have to let ourselves get angry again.  I liked that, because I do let myself get angry again in my weak moments.  I guess to keep me strong and help me stick to my guns, but then kind of feel like why am I letting myself get angry again.  But I think it’s good in a way.  Not all the time, but in the moments when we need the anger to keep up our strength. 

Again, you are incredibly strong.  This NC thing is new to us, and is hard sometimes, but we are doing this for a healthier and happier us. 

Hoping you have a very Happy New Year! 

[madeline7]

So glad you made it through and had a lovely time with your GF and kids. I felt very emotional as I read the part of your post where you had thoughts of your Mom sitting there alone, watching TV. It shows that you are a caring person, capable of so much consideration and empathy. I marvel how so many of us are really wonderful individuals, regardless of being raised by a BPD parent. I also love your tradition of pasta and cookies, a sublime carbo load! I totally relate to having an easier time when the parent is acting out, how challenging it is to have this push/pull of emotions when dealing with their chaos... .come here-now go away. Stay strong and wishing you a new year filled with happiness (and more pasta and cookies).!

[CollectedChaos]

Congrats on making it through your first NC xmas!  It's not easy - I can relate.  What I can say, though, is that they get easier.  Now that you have been through it once and know you can make it to the other side in one piece (even though you may have a bruise or two), the next ones feel less painful.  It sounds like you had a wonderful and stress-free xmas overall (despite the emails and call from your mom), and that should be treasured since I am sure that so many holidays in the past were the polar opposite of that!  Despite being NC for a couple years now (and LC a few years before that), the holidays are still hard for me and I continue to cycle between being angry and mourning the mom I wish she could be.  While I, generally speaking, have found peace with the fact that she is who she is, the holidays tend to throw a wrench into that.  I'm learning in T that this is okay - feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.   

I can also definitely relate to feeling more comfortable with my mom being angry vs sad.  It's easier to keep your guard up when they are irrationally mad.  The sadness feels different, and it's a lot harder to ignore. 

Wishing you a happy and healthy new year