Hello

[Ruth50]

Hello, I am glad to find this forum, although I am very poor at seeking help. I turned to the net a week or so ago in a desperate attempt to find a way to cope with my Mother's angry outbursts.

Mum is a pensioner and very fit and healthy. I have a family. Lost Dad a couple of years ago and since that time I have been in very close contact with her as there has been no one else to support her. My sibling walked away after one of her outbursts just after losing Dad and does not want any contact with any of the family. Too much for him.

I have steadily worn myself out visiting and phoning and taking abuse from Mum. I have always been frightened of her outbursts and am tense most of the time when speaking to her. I have experienced false accusations and have found this very confusing until reading about BPD.

The lead up to Christmas was especially bad but somehow we patched it up enough to have a good day. I found it hard. Right now I am figuring out how to give myself some space and am finding reading about the drama triangle here very helpful.

Feeling very low and sad currently but am determined to find a better way. I know that she probably won't change and I feel a bit devastated. Could walk away to be honest but won't do that. I just think I am worn out. Think I behave been a rescuer to Mum from a young age, sometimes behaving like a victim when talking to my husband about it. Anyway, glad to post this. Thank you for such a positive and useful sight. I will pick myself up soon and post again if I make progress.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Ruth50!   

I, too, am so glad you found our site and shared your first post with us!    It takes courage to do so.

I have steadily worn myself out visiting and phoning and taking abuse from Mum. I have always been frightened of her outbursts and am tense most of the time when speaking to her. I have experienced false accusations and have found this very confusing until reading about BPD.

You are not alone. So many of us here can totally relate. This is how I felt around my uBPDm too. I'm really glad that you are taking time to read and understand more about BPD and that it is making sense.  I know that there is a certain relief in figuring out what may be wrong.

Think I behave been a rescuer to Mum from a young age, sometimes behaving like a victim when talking to my husband about it.

When we've grown up around a pwBPD, we learned certain behaviors that allowed us to survive. As children, there was no way we could understand what was going on, and we were victims of our BPD parent. That is why so much healing needs to take place when we start the journey to recovery. We often blame ourselves for what really lies with the pwBPD. Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? ------>> > There are some good points which can help you to evaluate where you are in the discovery process. It is not a linear process! Click on a sentence to read more. Where do you feel you are?

 
Wools

[Ruth50]

Hello and thank you Wools for replying.

I feel a mix of 1, 2 and 3 is where I am.

1.The past has caught up with me in that I feel low all of the time, whereas I used to get breaks in low mood when Dad was alive as she had him. It's as if I have been treading water in my relationship with my Mother all my life and now I need to swim or I'll drown. The psychological defences I have used all my life exhaust me now.

2. I have very recently realized that I have been mentally abused by my Mother. This has been the main abuse, although there was some physical abuse when I was younger but this was less frequent. The mental abuse has been throughout my life but not continually. These things have always been done when alone with Mum and then I have been blamed for it when I have tried to talk about it. I realise how my feelings have been invalidated by Mum's negative and nearly always aggressive responses. I recognise now that I invalidate my own feelings continually, I want this to change.

3. I do have a desire to change and hope for a better life. I don't feel like a passive victim anymore and have started to set boundaries with my Mum since the outburst before Christmas.

I am committed to recovery but worry that I will bail out on myself.