My ex prostitute lover who I thought loved me gone. Lies to die for. So bad.

[earthlydelights]

This is a tortuous journey.  It includes me as people pleaser, rescuing idiot.  
So in 2014 my first BPD and I were forcibly separated by police. She tried to kill one of two children.  Got jail time.  I was very lucky it wasn’t me in jail as she went full retarded on it being me.  
So I’m on my own with two kids, late 40,s, and still in rescuing mode.  
I met this Chinese prostitute. She was sweet and seemed vulnerable.  
Her story was she came here for romance and was hurt by her internet match so as she had no money turned to prostitution.  
A perfect subject for a rescuer like me.  She let me do more things and seemed to show affection beyond the usual transactional relationship.  Before I could blink I had strong feelings. This woman needed help and security.  
I had money, good job and she was great with the kids, kind attentive and all round good woman.  
She moved in, I applied to get her residency status, and for the next two years all was paradise.  She had issues and there were obvious warning signs along the way but the love and recovery from a fractured family seemed worth it.  

So what happened a week after she got her residency?  She said she needed to sell her house in China and it would take a few weeks.  I was overjoyed.  It seemed like she planned to make her life with me and the kids.  
She left for China and we kissed goodbye.  She was transiting through another domestic airport and said she was meeting a friend there to pick up some gifts to take home, so had her luggage only sent through locally.  
For the last six weeks she has been only communicating through WeChat.  I asked why she just didn’t get a mobile over there.  Any proboing into her situation made her angry.  Why didn’t I trust her etc.  
This charade lasted from 1st November to 18th December.  It turned out she had a minor accident on 4th December and unbeknown to her a letter was sent to our home address.  
She never even left the country.  My immediate suspicion was she was back to her old ways.  I challenged her and she got angry but called me ona new number and made elaborate excuses and she was just helping A friend massage business and no sex.  
I am a bit devious and googled the new mobile number and got advert for her etc.  I then googled the wording of the advert and got another mobile number.
As I went deeper into the rabbit hole I got a full online profile of her with, her new name.
I am in denial.  Because she doesn’t know what I know she is continuing the lies.  Saying she is tired and working so hard just as masseurs.  Her hands are hurting.
I even have to pretend sympathy.  She also maintains she will be back after Chinese New Year once she’s paid a couple of depts etc.  
It’s been such a shock I don’t know what to do next.  I am seriously scared of going all out and telling her what I do know.  A sick part of me even wants her to come back.  
I have clearly been played.  I want to believe her excuses.
If she comes back what then?   Times get a bit tough?  How about the children losing another mother?   It’s a nightmare.  I know the only thing I should do is cut off and leave her to her life.  
I still miss her.  She seemed so nice, so loving, so attentive, so good with the children.   This is a truly terrible nightmare.  Any suggestions or advice is really needed.  
He background, she says her mother poisoned herself when she was ten.  She watched the whole thing. She had a twin, it turns out they were ass children of another man in the village.  Sounds as if her childhood was bad.  
Yes I was just another throw away man in her journey of survival.  
None of this makes it feel any better.  Help!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi earthlydelights and welcome 

Your story about your previous ex is shocking, and then to go onto another r/s with an upsetting ending must be absolutely awful for you.  I'm so sorry to hear what you've encountered over the years.  You are not, however, an idiot.  You're a kind man who wants to rescue damsels in distress and that unfortunately has been your undoing in this situation.  I can imagine you're going through a great deal of pain and confusion right now, and that is to be expected, so allow yourself to feel these emotions and allow them to pass of their own accord.  Pushing them down does nobody any good.  Do you have a therapist/close friends/family to support you at this difficult time?  Posting here is a positive step, as this community can understand the mixed emotions you will be feeling right now, so I'm glad you reached out.   

As you directly ask for advice, I'll offer this.  Cut the chord.  You recognise your rescuer tendency and that's a good start.  What you cannot afford to do after all you've been through, is to make a choice that could affect you and your children even more negatively.  At this point it would be wise to consider what is important to you in a relationship, define and maintain boundaries around these values and remain consistent in doing so.  Not only will this prevent you from overriding your self preservation instincts by your tendency to step into white knight mode, but it will teach your kids a very valuable life lesson which they will later thank you for, when you and they are able to have healthy sustainable relationships with partners in the future.  Missing her is normal, and feeling wistful over the good times.  Do not allow yourself to minimise what has happened here though.  You are worth better treatment than that.  So set that standard for yourself.  Treat yourself better than to accept that behaviour.

A great article on the site here which was a life saver for me, is on Surviving a BPD breakup and I hope you find it as helpful as I did.  It includes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck, and I found I had several of these immediately after the breakup.  I'd love to hear if you find any of these apply to you right now.  It gave me a sense of direction as I was more aware of what I needed to let go of in order to detach. 

Now is the time to put yourself and your children ahead of everything else.  This is not necessarily an easy thing to do for someone who usually puts others first, but begin to consciously practise self care straight away, and over time it becomes a good habit.  Keep posting also.  It helps enormously.

Love and light x         

[earthlydelights]

It is slowly getting better.  I am beginning to get feelings of fear about her, her lies and her potential as mother. 
Her ability to lie so totally, and consistently means it would be impossible to have any level of trust in the relationship again. 
The level of psychosis she must have is mind numbing. 
Could I trust her with my five year old boy again?  She only really wants to talk with him when she calls.
Let’s imagine she does come back, debts paid off, ready to be my partner again.
Let’s say I take her back (even now it’s tempting). 
Suddenly she wants to take the children somewhere, could I trust her?  I would be worried that she would kidnap them.  I would have trust issues, and she would know it. 
How could we return to the past.  I know too much.  She knows she lied for weeks.  Even saying she just had breakfast showing the correct time difference. 
Saying she was just going this  place or that place, when she was not even in the same country.   
Why did she lie?  I think she really did plan to work her little heart out, clear some debts and still come home.   It started getting sticky for her after the accident. 
May be the money wasn’t what she expected.  Suddenly there was a message saying she wanted to stay for Chinese New Year, or ten more weeks. 
She’s definitely willing to sacrifice the relationship.   
Let’s say she returned as soon as I found out, May be she could have enticed me back.  By leaving things so long, she knows the chances of rekindling any thing are receding. 
So her priorities are more important than me.
She has no empathy for me.  She knows I am hurting, she knows how I feel, but she’s carrying on regardless.  Yes she denies doing anything bad, but her excuses get more feeble as time winds on.
I also wonder if she just hasn’t got the backbone to actually end the relationship herself.  She is independent again, clearly doesn’t mind the job, money’s rolling in.  Even if we did rekindle, what would happen next.   The explosive emotions would be even more dangerous.  It would be a long messy end game, and we would still break.   Next time she’s resentful, or has a money problem, what’s to stop her disappearing again. 
You Are right, I deserve much better than this.  It’s not worth it, however intense it seemed to me.  All the love and feelings of love may well have been just a big act on her side.   Her behaviour now is totally hurtful and totally lacking in respect for me as a person. 
Still hard, still a bit in denial, still want to see her, I just need to concentrate on what I have just written.  I need to stay strong.  Deep deep down I know there really is no hope now.  I know it would be a messy long breakup.   She’s been gone two months now, so I’m used to my new lifestyle.  Beginning to enjoy the kids and the peaceful non confrontational atmosphere in the house. 

[earthlydelights]

I read on another post that people who lead completely secret double lives might be dangerous.  Have issues beyond BPD, and have Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
If anything I am scared of her coming back.  I’m scared I might accept her, but I’m more scared now that she really is a little bit insane. 
She got on a plane, she had a boarding pass to China, she gets to the domestic international airport, meets a friend, goes to friends house, does some photography and sets herself up offering all services and girl friend experience.
Offered doubles with her friend basically full on.  At the same time calling me and the kids, talking about having yum char with her friends in Hong Kong.  Talking about selling her house.  I’ve read a few posts, but lying at this level is still hard to fathom.   
To add to the surreal situation is her telling me to be good, and getting stroppy if I don’t answer her calls, when in reality I rarely if ever got through to her.  Most of time her WeChat off. 
When she was angry with my daughter she would sometimes force her to stay in her bedroom for days at a time.  I tried to give daughter books and things to do but let my partner dominate the situation. 
She had lots of other quirks.  During the two years she walked out twice for different explosive reasons, both were my fault although I don’t remember doing anything wrong.  She came back pretty soon, but the intensity of the cycles was really scary. 
I’m beginning to think I’m better off without her.  I just can’t see anyway we could get back together. 
I miss her, I thought she loved me, but people just don’t do what she’s done and have “love” for their partner. 
So I’m trying to work out next steps. 
I feel things could turn very nasty with her if a push her too hard. 
I wonder if she really could be dangerous. 
I’ve been in emotional turmoil for the last week, but it’s getting better. 
I think I’m missing an idealistic person who I made up in my head, the real person is truly dark and worrying. 

[DearHusband]

Earthlydelights,

It does seem the veil is coming off. In your first post, you talked about how good she was with the kids. That was the idealized version of her. In your last post, you talked about the overly strict treatment of your daughter. You are seeing things realistically. I know it still hurts. It's tough to let go of the fantasy. Even when you know it was just a fantasy, it's still tough. Good luck.

DH

[earthlydelights]

I wonder how much of the relationship was just a figment of my imagination?
Today I did something I didn’t expect. 
I let her know I knew far more than she imagined. 
Since I got the insurance letter on 18th  December there has been a kind of phoney situation. 
She lied about her situation and I pretended to believe her lies.  Why? 
I thought may be I could still have her back. 
Writing on this message board has changed my perspective. 
I realise she is truly dangerous and dark. 
She reacted to my revelation by still making excuses.  Saying she still loves me in her heart.  Part of me still wants to believe her and have her back. 
But the winning part of me is beginning to enjoy the freedom from oppression. 
Although she is still many hundreds of miles away I have a feeling she will try a visit.  She will try to seduce me.  That’s going to be the next challenge. 
I’m not brave enough though to sleep in the same house as her now.  She is capable of anything and that’s fueling my fear. 
So fear beats seduction. 
It’s still tough and I am hurting really bad.  Really deep core wounds of raw emotional pain.  I have to get through this for the children and for myself. 

[earthlydelights]

I’m kind of replying to myself here but I need to keep recording my feelings. 
She sent me a happy new year sticker this morning and has just called.  I left the phone sound off, and don’t want to talk to her. 
I sense a bit of panic in her as well.  I gave her a really good life, my kids called her mom.  She is calculating her situation at the moment.  That’s her. 
Has she made enough money to see her through another year?
Over the last two years of our relationship I paid lots of things for her.  She owed money ($40,000) to a relative who helped her buy a house.   She had a pension scheme that needed $6,000 a year.   These were manageable when I had the big job.  A year ago I got made redundant and set up my own business.  It’s been a tough year but funnily enough it’s now taking off big time.  It started taking of when she left on 1st November.
If only she had been patient.  She had the work visa, she could have changed sheets in a hotel and all earnings would be hers. 
So she blew it. 
May be i dodged a bullet, she had issues, and although Waif like I sometimes caught her talking to her friends and it was different.  She was tough and rough. 
Then she turned on that Asian charm with me. 
So while I Christmas and New Year alone, she’s off doing I don’t know what. 
I genuinely think she calculates she could still pull this off though. 
I am that pathetic and needy. 
I think my fear will save me.  I am genuinely scared, and after my last pwBPD nearly finishing my daughter am wary of what really is in her head. 
On a side note as it’s just me and my five year old boy, I put our spare room on Air BB.  It’s been great and I have met some amazing people.  I’m actually beginning to enjoy myself. 
Went for a long walk to the beach this morning.  Have new customers arriving today.   Got 5 star reviews, I could never do this with her here.  There would be too many issues and jealousy. 
So life goes on.  There is a lot of her stuff here so I need a plan to deal with her likely return and seduction. 
Ten days ago I was as low as ever, rock bottom.   I was broken, feeling terrible, drinking, feeling self pity.  Also I blamed myself for not making enough money to keep her. 
Today I’m feeling better.   My business is going well, I got Air BB, I’m meeting interesting people every day. 
Plus what is more handsome than Brad Pitt!   Single dad with two cute kids. 
That’s today then.  I still want to answer that call, I still miss her, it still hurts so much, the betrayal is raw and horrible, but it’s getting better. 

[DearHusband]

Earthlydelights,

It sounds like you are making progress. You are going to get through this and come out stronger. It's great that your business is taking off and you are meeting interesting people. I'm not clear if you have one child with you or two. Where is your daughter? Regardless, keep working on yourself. That is its own reward, but other rewards will come of it just the same. Good Luck.

DH

[SlyQQ]

Don't know if this helps , but your partner may be a sociopath and not BPD,
the profile fits a little better.

[earthlydelights]

Thanks for your reply’s.  I have two children in my care but the older daughter who was hurt by her biological mother is staying with friends.  She has had a bit of a breakdown herself.  She invested a lot in having a new mother and the sudden departure has affected her a lot. 
Since getting more direct with my pwBPD and then not answering her calls or messages she has clearly got very upset.
She is accusing me of abandoning her, a bit rich in view of the circumstances. 
I still think she thought this working holiday of hers would be OK. 
Her story about her childhood with mother suicide when she was ten is harrowing. 
I suspect she was using her charms from an early age.  She slept her way into Hong Kong in her teens.  Her husband eventually left her as she couldn’t have children.  I have no reason to doubt her stories, but you never know. Her capacity to lie is consummate. I am pretty sure she has the characteristics of a BPD waif but also might have other things.  Sociopathic traits hadn’t really occurred to me, but her cold calculating behaviour does indicate these may be present.
It’s going to be tough if she does come back.  That’s the part I don’t know how I’ll deal with.  Her physical presence always awoke some primal feelings that I know are wrong but are such a strong drug.   
She will also try to get my rescuing instinct going. 
However if she thinks I’m not such a good prospect as once was, she could replace me immediately.  That’s why I can’t understand her still pursuing me, all be it with messages.  May be I’m a back up plan. 
I think I am thinking to much at the moment.  I’m trying to go one day at a time, and it’s working.  My AirBB guests and a life free of conflict are giving me a renascence.  My core is hurting, and the shock of the last few days has been like nothing I have felt before. But when I’m not thinking about her I’m enjoying the freedom from oppression and the fear that always hung over the relationship.
I always worried and wondered if things got tough how long she would stick around.   Worrying and wondering eats away at you like termites.  I’m free of it now and looking forward. 

[SlyQQ]

I have found sociopaths are much better at doing the sums, while BPD are a lot more emotionally reactive and often make "unwise" gut desicions rather than practical ones.

though the grandiose , manic of BPD , and sociopaths meglomania cross over a bit.