Mother causing trouble

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I have been really struggling the last couple of days thanks to my mother. I don’t think she has BPD or traits but she does have a nasty streak and has behaved in a passive aggressive way on occasions.

My uBPD son (35) has wanted to be n/c with me for over a year now, although I have sent him a few emails and he has replied to a couple of them with I’m ok when I’ve asked how he is. He currently lives in a different country to us. He has put his grandma (my mother) on the pedestal that I used to be on and she revels in it. I encouraged him to keep in touch with her before he left thinking it would be a good way for me to know how he was and hence minimise my worry. I knew that she was probably reinforcing his BPD beliefs but thought she would hardly get the chance with him living so far away.

My eldest daughter, who he is also in contact with, told me he was in UK for Christmas and would be seeing her on Boxing Day and no doubt would also be seeing my mother.
My mother told me on Boxing Day on the way to my other daughter’s house for lunch that my son would be visiting her the following day, 27th.

On returning back to my house I thought my mother would have a quick coffee then make her way home. Boy was I wrong. She had stuff she needed to offload onto me. Apparently she’d told my son that the best Christmas gift she could have would be for him to talk to me. His reply according to her was that it’s been too many years. And then, she turned to me and said “See, I tried, I did my best to get him to talk to you”. I may be wrong but in my opinion she probably did more damage than good. Can’t remember what else she said apart from bringing my eldest daughter into the conversation by telling me that my son had repeated to her something not nice about my other daughter which my eldest daughter must have said to him! Then she said she hoped that what she’d said wouldn’t split my family up. What? And then it transpired that my son has been phoning her every 6 weeks from the country where he lives and she never told me. Even though I have always confided in her and she knows how hurt I have been. Even though she knows I worry about him and even though she knows I have seen my doctor because I was worried about my own mental health. She couldn’t bring herself to let me know that my son was ok.

I’m a bit slow reacting, takes a while for things to sink in, consequently I had no sleep Boxing Day night, churning everything over in my mind.

She’d promised me that she would let me know the outcome of his visit on 27th after he’d left. I heard nothing. This morning 28th I was committed to going n/c with her, I was so upset and felt terrible. H has helped me through some of it and I feel much better now even though I’ve still not heard from her.

But I still feel like I don’t want anything to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her on Saturday and we are due to go away together in 2 weeks, it is booked and paid for.

[Feeling Better]

Hi, I have been really struggling the last couple of days thanks to my mother. I don’t think she has BPD or traits but she does have a nasty streak and has behaved in a passive aggressive way on occasions.

My uBPD son (35) has wanted to be n/c with me for over a year now, although I have sent him a few emails and he has replied to a couple of them with I’m ok when I’ve asked how he is. He currently lives in a different country to us. He has put his grandma (my mother) on the pedestal that I used to be on and she revels in it. I encouraged him to keep in touch with her before he left thinking it would be a good way for me to know how he was and hence minimise my worry. I knew that she was probably reinforcing his BPD beliefs but thought she would hardly get the chance with him living so far away.

My eldest daughter, who he is also in contact with, told me he was in UK for Christmas and would be seeing her on Boxing Day and no doubt would also be seeing my mother.
My mother told me on Boxing Day on the way to my other daughter’s house for lunch that my son would be visiting her the following day, 27th.

On returning back to my house I thought my mother would have a quick coffee then make her way home. Boy was I wrong. She had stuff she needed to offload onto me. Apparently she’d told my son that the best Christmas gift she could have would be for him to talk to me. His reply according to her was that it’s been too many years. And then, she turned to me and said “See, I tried, I did my best to get him to talk to you”. I may be wrong but in my opinion she probably did more damage than good. Can’t remember what else she said apart from bringing my eldest daughter into the conversation by telling me that my son had repeated to her something not nice about my other daughter which my eldest daughter must have said to him! Then she said she hoped that what she’d said wouldn’t split my family up. What? And then it transpired that my son has been phoning her every 6 weeks from the country where he lives and she never told me. Even though I have always confided in her and she knows how hurt I have been. Even though she knows I worry about him and even though she knows I have seen my doctor because I was worried about my own mental health. She couldn’t bring herself to let me know that my son was ok.

I’m a bit slow reacting, takes a while for things to sink in, consequently I had no sleep Boxing Day night, churning everything over in my mind.

She’d promised me that she would let me know the outcome of his visit on 27th after he’d left. I heard nothing. This morning 28th I was committed to going n/c with her, I was so upset and felt terrible. H has helped me through some of it and I feel much better now even though I’ve still not heard from her.

But I still feel like I don’t want anything to do with her. I am supposed to be seeing her on Saturday and we are due to go away together in 2 weeks, it is booked and paid for.

[Kwamina]

Hi Feeling Better,

The situation with your son and mother is difficult indeed. You say your son has wanted to be NC with you for over a year now. Did he also say why he wants to be NC?

And then it transpired that my son has been phoning her every 6 weeks from the country where he lives and she never told me.
... .
I’m a bit slow reacting, takes a while for things to sink in, consequently I had no sleep Boxing Day night, churning everything over in my mind.

You say you are a bit slow reacting, but after you found out did you have any further discussion with your mother about why she never told you she had contact with your son? Or did the conversation just end there?

It is clear you were quite upset and that can make it hard to think clearly. Your husband has been helpful, perhaps give yourself some time to process all of this and figure out how you want to move forward with your mother. Having said that, you of course do have a trip booked in two weeks already and were also going to be seeing her this Saturday. Have you talked to your mother since making this post?

Take care

[Feeling Better]

Hi Kwamina

Thank you for your reply.

My son didn’t actually say why he wanted n/c, he didn’t need to because just before he left to live abroad he told me what a horrible person I was and that he felt uncomfortable around me and he felt as if he wasn’t in reality when he was with me. This was shortly after us finishing relationship counselling due to him wanting to get away. The counsellor told me that she thought he could have BPD. I kept in contact via email until I got a reply one time asking me to leave him alone.

I didn’t ask my mother why she hadn’t told me about my son’s contact, I guess it didn’t register fully with me at the time, not until I thought about it after she’d gone home, but my H impressed upon her that we need to know in the future, and she did agree to this.

I have managed to rein in my emotions, my H has been a big help and he says that I need to take into account my mother’s age, she is 89 but is nothing like what you expect an average 89 year old to be like, so it is extremely easy to forget what age she is. It is not in my nature to be vindictive or to hold a grudge so once my hurt feelings have been repaired I think things will get back to normal but I do think I need to let her know how hurt by her actions I have been.

She phoned me tonight to let me know about my son’s visit with her and we arranged to meet tomorrow as planned. I don’t really want to rock the boat as I have enough to contend with, with my son. At the end of the day how I reacted to what she told me is down to me, she didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle between me and my son, she just handled it badly.

Thanks Kwamina for helping me think it through  

[Kwamina]

You're welcome Happy New Year!

At the end of the day how I reacted to what she told me is down to me

Exactly, at the end of the day, this is indeed the most crucial factor. We cannot control what others do or make others change if they don't want to themselves. But we can change our own behavior and work on developing new behavioral and response patterns.