I’m considering breakup from husband

[Joyinmotion]

Hi, I joined a year ago and I have been busy (1) working on qualifying as a teacher; and (2) encouraging DH to see clinical neurologist.

I walked out on my husband Saturday a week ago.  He had made yet another outlandish accusation of promiscuous sex and I realized I could not stand more of the same, living in daily anxiety and stress of what he might say next.  I told him I needed time to think at my friends’ house.  I have been here, trying to figure out where to go next.

My DH has been accusing me for the past 18 months of promiscuous extra marital activities.  Everything is unfounded.  He believes I use every electronic device available to hook up.  He has identified at least one man and maybe others as the phantom alleged lover.  He has looked up the man’s name, and address and license plate and frequently drives to that address or claims to have accosted the man on the street and warned him to stay away from our street.

It has been infrequent verbal abuse so far but I’m a nervous and emotional wreck from the stress.  I cannot stand it any more.  He doesn’t see the pain he is causing me, he denies he has a problem.

I encouraged my 69-yr-old DH to see a clinical neurologist in October-November.  He dropped out, claiming he had no problems.  So I don’t see any reason for me to stay.

DH cut off my cell phone last weekend so I had to get another.  He wants me back yet he keeps denying that he has a problem and needs “care”.

He may consult his lawyer to explore a divorce in the near future.  That may be the most likely and easiest way out: we married 5 yrs ago, have no children and no joint assets.  He made me sign a prenup which kept me out of all his assets.  

I have no job and no income at this time but, in the Spring, I am completing the last internship stage for getting a teacher’s license and should be fully employed by sept 2018.

All my friends say I should beware of my safety.  He has never been violent but who knows... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Joyinmotion and welcome back. I'm sorry for the circumstances but I'm glad you reached out.

First of all I absolutely agree with your friends - it's kind of a mantra here - Safety First

The times of highest risk are times such as the one you're in right now. You've left the situation (understandably so), and now your DH is seeking "care." You've likely been providing a significant amount of emotional support for the years you've been together, and now that is changing. You will see some frantic efforts to return things to status quo, and this may include threats and behaviors you're not at all accustomed to (e.g., cutting off your cell phone - believe it or not, this is something you might want to consider as a serious warning sign).

In seeing the experience of many members here, sometimes friends and family can "see" things we don't - so I repeat, listen to your friends.

Congratulations on your progress toward getting your teacher's license! That's really hard work and something to be really proud of. It sounds like you figured out what you were aiming for and went for it, and it's paying off. That's a big accomplishment.

It sounds like you'll need some of that same determination in the next steps of your relationship. You know your DH needs help, but you can also see that he's not willing to put in that level of commitment (and it's a big commitment to tackle these kinds of disorders, for sure!). You'd need to continue to give a lot of support to your DH if you were to chose to reconcile and resume the marriage. It's important to look at it from perspective, and now that you've got a little space it's a good time to be honest about what it means to go back and try and improve if that's what you chose.

If you chose to continue with the separation, there are sometimes options other than divorce, and it's important to know what options exist. One thing that really helps is to seek local legal device to see what all of those options are. For example, if your DH moves beyond cutting off cell phone service and starts trying to interfere with utilities, rent/mortgage, etc, what are your options, especially in light of the prenuptial agreement? How can you continue to take care of YOURSELF in these circumstances. You're probably really, really good at taking care of your DH, but now you have to be really focused on taking care of YOU, too, more than ever. Here's a hint, though - it's good to practice taking care of yourself in ANY circumstance, too.

You've got a lot of really big changes ahead, Joyinmotion - we're here for you. How can we best support you?

[Joyinmotion]

I have reached out to many people in the past few days and received lots of good advice.   Many people advise me to quit the marriage for good. 

However, I hesitate because I see the good and loving parts in this complex man and I thought we had an extra ordinary and compatible relationship.  But  I cannot go back and live in the same setup, it had too much of an abusive aspect.   

I’m willing to play a waiting game for the sake of our marriage: I will take care of myself first, complete my teacher training while relying on others for assistance over next 10-12 months; negotiate with DH to keep supporting me; leave communications open; limit meetings within public settings; see if he will take any steps to move forward.  I think it’s a very long game.  It may take months and years. 

For the immediate future, I am not going to seek a divorce, since I’m pretty entirely dependent on his support.  It is not to my financial advantage to seek a divorce.  So I will wait and see, punt for as long as possible. 
I do need to strategize financial aid immediately for the teacher training program.  My DH might help or might not.  I feel confident that I have very fine relatives and friends who might assist as needed.

If he takes the car back, I will ask local friends to loan me a spare car.  If he cuts off my allowance, I will have to ask family and friends for a loan until I get a full time job.  I will try to anticipate every move and come up with possible countermoves.  But I will not file for a divorce.  I consider this an extended personal time off.

I think that he is stunned at how quickly I recovered from him suspending my cell service on Christmas Eve.  I got a SIM card, paid for 1 month cell service.  Then within 24 hrs, my brother was able to set me up with a new cell phone on his family plan.  So I have a secure phone line which my husband cannot check. 

DH is now communicating by emails.  He says he needs me, he loves me.  He has made veiled threats that our relationship is hanging by a thread: meaning that he is close to severing it... .So what, go ahead!  I am daring him to make the next step.

He wants to meet.  I am not opposed to meeting him, but have decided to meet him only in public.  He was offended of that suggestion and said he is not violent.  He then said this allusion to him being untrustworthy might make him consider severing our relationship.  It’s just “huff and puff talk” on his part.   I may need to go home and pack my stuff soon, and I plan to have a trustworthy male figure in attendance.

He says he has cleaned the house, thrown out old clothing: proving that he is trying to declutter.  At first, he peevishly tossed away my bird feeders.  Now he says he is lonesome for me and is refilling the bird bath and the feeders.  We haven’t spoken in a week.  I think it’s pointless until I know what I want to say.

I know I have responsibility in setting boundaries.  I am using this time and space to think over my share in all this.  My friends have informed him that I’m welcome in their home while they will contact the police if he comes.  He was offended but got over that quickly.

I discussed my difficulties with his 2 younger brothers.  They talked to him on Christmas Day, without result.  He complained that I had to send someone to talk to him.  His ego was wounded that I broadcast our difficulties.  Well, that’s what it took for me to get his attention.  He didn’t like it but he got the message that I was not pleased.  He still does not get it that I was immensely hurt, again and again.