26 years old and afraid to tell BPD dad about boyfriend

[Depression = 72% of members]

I can't believe at my age that I'm even going through this, but here I am.

To make a long story as short as possible, I started dating a guy casually when I was 20. Dad never met him but hated him and insisted he wasn't good enough for me, slammed chairs into walls when I said I was going to see a movie with him, etc. Dad never liked guys I took an interest in but he really didn't like this one, we'll call him Kevin. Kevin and I stopped dating but remained friends.

I dated someone else and got engaged to him, we'll call him Bob. Dad never liked him. Turns out the guy is abusive and we're in the middle of a legal battle over a house we own together and today I had a hearing to get an order of protection against him which was sadly unsuccessful. All dad can do is rub it in my face that I was wrong about Bob and that he was right and all he does is try to look out for me, and that I'd be an idiot to start dating again.

I started dating Kevin pretty seriously this past May. I am ready to introduce him to dad so that we can be more open about our relationship, but I know that dad would not only be furious that I'm dating again, he'll be furious that I'm dating Kevin. Kevin has been really wonderful to me and very supportive through everything with Bob, but dad don't care about any of the positives. He has never even told me what he hates about Kevin, but I'm sure it's that he views any man I date as a distraction from him/the attention I give him.

How do I even begin to approach this? Just asserting that I'm closer to 30 than 17 and I should be able to make my own decisions? I'm terrified about this. Do I ease him into the subject, saying that Kevin has asked me out for dinner and I'm going to accept because it'll be nice to catch up and go from there?

[hemlock]

I can't believe at my age that I'm even going through this, but here I am.

To make a long story as short as possible, I started dating a guy casually when I was 20. Dad never met him but hated him and insisted he wasn't good enough for me, slammed chairs into walls when I said I was going to see a movie with him, etc. Dad never liked guys I took an interest in but he really didn't like this one, we'll call him Kevin. Kevin and I stopped dating but remained friends.

I dated someone else and got engaged to him, we'll call him Bob. Dad never liked him. Turns out the guy is abusive and we're in the middle of a legal battle over a house we own together and today I had a hearing to get an order of protection against him which was sadly unsuccessful. All dad can do is rub it in my face that I was wrong about Bob and that he was right and all he does is try to look out for me, and that I'd be an idiot to start dating again.

I started dating Kevin pretty seriously this past May. I am ready to introduce him to dad so that we can be more open about our relationship, but I know that dad would not only be furious that I'm dating again, he'll be furious that I'm dating Kevin. Kevin has been really wonderful to me and very supportive through everything with Bob, but dad don't care about any of the positives. He has never even told me what he hates about Kevin, but I'm sure it's that he views any man I date as a distraction from him/the attention I give him.

How do I even begin to approach this? Just asserting that I'm closer to 30 than 17 and I should be able to make my own decisions? I'm terrified about this. Do I ease him into the subject, saying that Kevin has asked me out for dinner and I'm going to accept because it'll be nice to catch up and go from there?

[Turkish]

The mother of my kids left me for another guy.  She introduced him to the kids way too early.  It caused issues with S7, then 4. Leaving aside the early introduction,  my therapist said,  "it isn't [son's] business who mommy dates."

Without going to "who's going to walk you down the aisle," it isn't your father's business whom you date or marry.

It sounds like your dad desires you to remain single forever.  To keep you under control or to himself,  maybe? What's your take on your father basically demanding you die an old maid?

[hemlock]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for your response, I'm sorry to hear about your ex and the impact her behavior has had on your son. You make a good point, and in spite of spending much of my life focusing on appeasing him and protecting his emotions I think I need to adopt the mindset of "this doesn't affect him."

I think that emotional incest has been a large component of our relationship, as he tends to treat me as a spouse and gets very jealous of other people in my life, whether they're boyfriends, potential boyfriends, or even female friends if he thinks I'm spending too much time with them. Mix that with the fact that my mom took a job out of state 8 years ago and dad refused to move with her at the last minute, choosing instead to stay with me because "I was in college and needed family nearby." He has spent the last 8 years saying he was abandoned. I got the same treatment when I graduated from college and moved for work.

[Turkish]

The emotional incest dynamic is a significant factor for both parent and child. My ex realized "something" in her r/s with her mom (I'd never say EI),  and even given cultural issues I felt something was off. It was like severe anxiety of we went out of town for two days,  my ex only relaxing when we dropped by to visit on the way back.  She didn't get the flak over me like you did over suitors, however.  The opposite sex dynamic seems different. 

How is your r/s with your mom? It's hard to imagine that she wasn't aware of something. Is she aware now? Any siblings?

[hemlock]

My mom is and was aware of something. She was always a loving mother but our relationship used to be strained at times because I'd often get preferential treatment, he'd defer to me instead of her when it came to big decisions, etc. I started going to therapy for a while at the beginning of the year and learned about emotional incest. I started reading about it, told her about it, and it gave us both a lot of clarity. She's the first person who informally diagnosed dad with BPD after I was temporarily disowned by him for moving in with my long-term boyfriend (Bob) after college. Right now she and I are very close.