Trying to understand and help a friend

[Jaje79]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading the boards for a while now, learning so much from all of you so thank you. I'm not sure where my question fits but I would love to hear some input from you.

About two years ago I met a man who lives in my neighbourhood. Our children were/are involved in many of the same activities and would see each other a few times a week because of this. we instantly got along and always had friendly chit chat while we sat and watched. About a year ago, we volunteered together and began communicating regularly by text. After a few months, the texts became more frequent and more personal and we became pretty close friends who spoke every day. Although both of us are in long term relationships, I admit that I enjoyed the conversations and the attention. I felt like I could trust him with almost anything. This went on for months although everyone once in a while after a particularly intimate conversation, he would disappear for a few days but then come back as if nothing happened. It always seemed odd since we normally texted daily, throughout the day and after these conversations, I always felt closer to him. I did bring it up and mentioned that it bothered me but he just sort of brushed it off. I didn't want to get too upset about it since it wasn't like we were in an actual relationship and figured it was just that rubber band theory from Men are from Mars... .By this point we had both admitted that we liked each other but there was nothing to be done since we were both in commited relationships and it was a case of "if only we had met earlier". As I mentioned, this all went on for almost a year. Although he never admitted anything directly about any emotional/mental health issues he was having, he would occasionally call me to vent about certain frustrations or had hinted and being unable to find joy in anything in his life - although for any outsider looking in you'd think he had it all together. I didn't really pry, I just listened and tried as best as I could to be sympathetic and supportive.

About 2 months ago, he started to withdraw from me... .texts became less frequent and he became less open. I was of course googling men's behaviour and originally just chalked it up to him needing space. I mentioned that to him and said that if he wanted to space to go ahead and take it. He seemed surprised by it but in my head his behaviour had clearly changed. I had also started reading about NPD and although he did have some traits, it did not seem like him. A few weeks after my space comment, I sent him another message basically saying that it had been about a year and what he thought about where we were in our relationship was important to me. He didn't answer... .10 days later I got a text as if nothing had ever happened. He didn't acknowledge my question and went right into regular chit chat. By that point I had read a bit about BPD and it seemed to describe him perfectly. Not that I wasn't hurt by the silent treatment but at least it made sense and I didn't want to freak him out and demand that he answer me so I just went with it. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me since. I truly believe that he is a quiet BPD (it seems to describe him so well) and have come to terms with how that limits our relationship/friendship.

I know his family but not well enough to suggest this as a possibility to them. I have no idea if he knows, if they suspect, if he's in treatment... .etc... .I also realize that I am not a trained professional and could very well be wrong and that it's not the kind of thing you want to just throw out there. My question is - how do I help my friend? I messaged him to tell him that I am available to talk/vent if he ever feels like it but that I will leave him be until he contacts me. I really think he needs professional help but have no idea of even how to hint  at this without him painting me black which I obviously don't want. I do care a lot about him and want him to get better. I feel in my heart that he is a good person who is struggling with having been dealt a terrible hand. Also, realistically we will see each other around activities for the next decade or so no contact is not the ideal solution.

Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Thank you.

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[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jaje79 and welcome 

It sounds as though you care deeply for this friend.  If you have developed deep feelings and miss having this person so involved in your life, could this be what this is what is spurring you on to want to help him more than you already do by being his friend and listening to him?  I speak as a codependent who has traditionally seen her place in life as being a rescuer and this is what I've always felt gave me value to others.  The reason I raise this is because my advice to you is that if you wish to help him, the best way to do that is to allow him to help himself if and when he is ready.  At the same time, value can be added to a r/s like this by being steadfast and working on ourselves.  By remaining as a separate entity with our own lives, we can set the scene if you will, for how a healthy life looks.  As the emotionally healthier person in the r/s it's our job to lead by example, and not to enable or lead the horse to water.  As we all know, most times that horse won't drink unless it has decided for itself that it is thirsty.  I would advise you however to take a good look (if you haven't already) at the basic relationship skills within the Tools menu on the top header, as these are ways in which you can be prepared to aid the communication when he is ready to get back in touch.  Being a supportive friend is definitely going to be a positive role to play in his life, but it's important to accept that it will be to a large degree on his terms in that the communication may be broken like this at times and that may not always make sense.  You may have read here about radical acceptance?

He may have backed off because he felt the friendship put a strain on his other r/s, or it may be that he felt you were becoming close and this triggered his fear of engulfment if he has BPD traits.  Clearly you care very much for this man and it's important to consider your own emotional well being and how you can safeguard this in the process of being his friend.  Realistic expectations are vital in a successful BPD r/s.  There's a great article which gives a good overview of what it takes to be in a sustainable r/s with a pwBPD and should you have not yet seen this, I do hope it helps you to consider what's involved, so there are no surprises along the way.  You can read it Here. 

Keep reading and posting.  You're in the right place for support.

Love and light x

[Jaje79]

Thank you so much for your advice Harley. You are absolutely right when you suggest that I care deeply about him and miss him in my daily life. Like you, I have always been that person that people open up to and although I get frustrated with him sometimes and I read all the sites that recommend no contact, I can't in good conscience just walk away. I would feel like I was abandoning someone who truly needed help - even if I am not able to give him what he needs. I will take a look at the resources you suggested. Thank you again.