uBPD mom and stepdad are divorcing. My world is shattered.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't posted on here in 10 years. My uBPD mother seems to have taken an irreversible turn for the worse. After a catastrophic Thanksgiving which led to the heartbreaking news that she and my stepfather will be getting a divorce, I had to come back on here to find support. Very few people in my life truly understand what I'm going through. My mother has been on the attack and I've had to make the choice to go no contact with her. It was the first Christmas I have ever spent away from her, and that alone caused me an unexplainable amount of grief.

I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to my step siblings who are very far removed from the situation. They are in their early 40s (I'm 30) and live states away with their own families and have not been involved much in my mother and stepfather's life. As I say in the letter, my intention in writing it was for them to understand what my stepfather was living with before they judge him for another failed marriage. I have no doubt that my mother will try to reach out to them and tell them her twisted version. As I was writing I realized that I'm probably not going to end up sending it, at least not at its current length, but writing it was cathartic, and it explains what is happening in my life. Support/advice greatly appreciated.

Dear (Stepbrother) and (Stepsister),

Although opening up is not something I typically do, I felt that I needed to reach out and share something with both of you.

While my mother and your father’s divorce may be nothing more than a blip on your radar, it is something that is weighing heavily on my life, and I want to explain the reality of the situation so you can understand what your father has been living with and what he is getting away from. In doing that, I need to share some background on my life as my mother's daughter. Take it as you will.

I have never had a functional family life. I grew up with two parents who were in different ways emotionally abusive. I didn’t understand the concept of boundaries between parents and children. In fact, most of the time my parents acted like children. I was in horribly enmeshed relationships with both of them. They never cared for or protected me or (brother) the way parents are supposed to. Their parenting was only to serve them, not us. The instability and chaos that I grew up with is too complex to describe in words.

There is a lot I could say about my father, but it’s not necessary for the point of this letter. In any case, the source of most of the turbulence in my life is my emotionally abusive, mentally unstable mother. Please do not be fooled by her profession or her degrees; my mother has written herself a lifelong narrative where she plays the perpetual victim, the holder of all wisdom, and the sane witness to everyone else’s mental illness and victim of their abuse towards her, the ultimate leader of truth and sanity. She had to become a psychologist as the final effort in squashing everyone’s knowledge that she was mentally ill. She talks the talk, but she doesn't walk the walk. The truth is that her instability has been evident for far longer than my lifetime. She is extremely low-functioning in the world and doesn’t have any grasp on reality – of the world around her, or the chaos she causes with her rage, her delusions, her manipulation. But being mentally ill doesn’t fall in line with the character she so desperately tries to play.

It’s also for this reason that she cries parental alienation syndrome. Part of my mother’s narrative is that she is The Perfect Mother and the only problems in her life are caused by all the evil-doers around her. She needs to believe that the only way her children would have any negative belief about her is that we are brainwashed by our evil father – the same father I have not had a relationship with in over 5 years. In her mind, there is nothing we could possibly perceive as negative about her unless we heard it from someone else. Her obsession with parental alienation syndrome is just another example of how she fixates on something relentlessly in order to quiet her fears. 

My mother is so self-absorbed that she cannot for one second look inwardly and see the pain she inflicts on others. She is a bully in the highest form. Throughout my life I have watched as each person who walked into my mother’s life suddenly disappeared. My mother has no friends and her sisters have only limited contact with her. No one can tolerate my mother for very long. Most people who really get to know her find her downright insufferable. And even before they get to that point, when they show the first sign of understanding who my mother really is, she picks up on this fast and immediately throws it back at them. She gets rid of them quicker than they can get rid of her. That person then becomes the devil to her, and she stops at nothing to take them down.

People who enter my mother’s life exist to her for one purpose: to be the hero that will solve all of her problems. When one by one they reveal themselves as mere humans who not only cannot magically solve her problems but have their own flaws as well, and when she realizes that their lives don't revolve around her, they stop serving a purpose to her. The problem is that when these people are immediate family members, she can’t just get rid of them. So they are stuck being her punching bag, the sounding board of her rage. They become objectified shells of their former selves who are expected to cater only to her and obey her every demand. She puts them in no-win situations. She twists their words, stirs up conflict, provokes them to their breaking point and then claims abuse when they fight back. She creates a living environment that is simply uninhabitable.

She has no interest in looking at herself as causing any problems, but she’s obsessed with setting everyone else straight. In fact she creates problems just so she has something to “fix.” I have been the person to bear the biggest brunt of this, and it has been very difficult for me to find lasting happiness in life because her abuse is always lurking around the corner. But what is more painful is watching her do it to people I care deeply about, and that includes your father.

For a long time, I thought that there was no way she would ever turn on your father. When I first told a friend of mine who has gotten to know (stepdad) through the years, that they were getting divorced, this friend’s first comment was “Well, good. I’m glad (stepdad) is getting out. He’s way too decent of a person to have to tolerate that.” (stepdad) first came into my mother’s life because she was playing the abused wife (of my father) and (stepdad) ran in to rescue her. He couldn’t have seen what was really happening, or that one day she would be crying abuse about him. Yes, that is what my mother is saying. And I can say with 100% certainty, that it is unequivocally untrue. Your father did his absolute best at being a partner to someone who is virtually incapable of truly being anyone’s partner.

I know (stepdad) feels that there are ways in which he lacked as a father to you, and that he hoped to get a second chance with me (and (brother), but that is a whole different story). Because of that, for the past 12 years, I have been able to live out something I so deeply missed as a child: the ability to point to a parental unit and proudly say, “These are my parents.” Your father has embodied everything that I lacked in my own parents: sanity, protection, level-headedness, unselfish support, protection, strength, calmness, simplicity, and wisdom. He has shown me what it means for a parent to be appropriately caring and concerned about me. He has been my one voice of reason amidst the chaos of my life. I think on some level I always knew that he was borrowed, but I’m so grateful that I got to have him as a father figure for the time I did. I honestly don’t know what a mess my life would be without the semblance of stability that he provided in my mother’s home.

There have been times when my mother seemed to be getting better, and she certainly has some redeeming qualities. There is a youthfulness about her that is endearing. There have been some moments of grace that have snuck in and will live on as treasures in my mind. I know that my mother is in a ton of pain, and I think the way she expresses herself is her way of quieting the horrors she lives with in her mind, which I don’t think I can possibly begin to imagine. For years I rode out her storms over and over again, just so we could get back to the good. Some have said that all that was doing was enabling her, which I think is true. Unfortunately, there is no way to stop it no matter how hard you try. So the choices are ride out the storms, or remove yourself from the situation. 

I have made the hard decision, which was a long time coming, to go no-contact with my mother and by default my brother who is grossly enmeshed with her. It’s not just your father that I’m losing, but I have essentially lost all of my immediate family. Without (stepdad) there, it is not a safe place. I am really grieving. I don’t understand why this had to be the family I was born into. But at this time, I have to choose alone over toxic, or I will never be able to have a healthy life.

Even though you (unfortunately) haven’t been huge parts of my life, it was important for me to have you hear my perspective and understand the complex situation your father has been living in for the past however many years. In whatever ways my mother tries to go after him, I will always be on his side, and I hope that you will always defend him as well. Whatever your relationships have been with him, you should know how lucky you are to be able to call him your father.

Best always,

Me

[Raccol]

I haven't posted on here in 10 years. My uBPD mother seems to have taken an irreversible turn for the worse. After a catastrophic Thanksgiving which led to the heartbreaking news that she and my stepfather will be getting a divorce, I had to come back on here to find support. Very few people in my life truly understand what I'm going through. My mother has been on the attack and I've had to make the choice to go no contact with her. It was the first Christmas I have ever spent away from her, and that alone caused me an unexplainable amount of grief.

I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to my step siblings who are very far removed from the situation. They are in their early 40s (I'm 30) and live states away with their own families and have not been involved much in my mother and stepfather's life. As I say in the letter, my intention in writing it was for them to understand what my stepfather was living with before they judge him for another failed marriage. I have no doubt that my mother will try to reach out to them and tell them her twisted version. As I was writing I realized that I'm probably not going to end up sending it, at least not at its current length, but writing it was cathartic, and it explains what is happening in my life. Support/advice greatly appreciated.

Dear (Stepbrother) and (Stepsister),

Although opening up is not something I typically do, I felt that I needed to reach out and share something with both of you.

While my mother and your father’s divorce may be nothing more than a blip on your radar, it is something that is weighing heavily on my life, and I want to explain the reality of the situation so you can understand what your father has been living with and what he is getting away from. In doing that, I need to share some background on my life as my mother's daughter. Take it as you will.

I have never had a functional family life. I grew up with two parents who were in different ways emotionally abusive. I didn’t understand the concept of boundaries between parents and children. In fact, most of the time my parents acted like children. I was in horribly enmeshed relationships with both of them. They never cared for or protected me or (brother) the way parents are supposed to. Their parenting was only to serve them, not us. The instability and chaos that I grew up with is too complex to describe in words.

There is a lot I could say about my father, but it’s not necessary for the point of this letter. In any case, the source of most of the turbulence in my life is my emotionally abusive, mentally unstable mother. Please do not be fooled by her profession or her degrees; my mother has written herself a lifelong narrative where she plays the perpetual victim, the holder of all wisdom, and the sane witness to everyone else’s mental illness and victim of their abuse towards her, the ultimate leader of truth and sanity. She had to become a psychologist as the final effort in squashing everyone’s knowledge that she was mentally ill. She talks the talk, but she doesn't walk the walk. The truth is that her instability has been evident for far longer than my lifetime. She is extremely low-functioning in the world and doesn’t have any grasp on reality – of the world around her, or the chaos she causes with her rage, her delusions, her manipulation. But being mentally ill doesn’t fall in line with the character she so desperately tries to play.

It’s also for this reason that she cries parental alienation syndrome. Part of my mother’s narrative is that she is The Perfect Mother and the only problems in her life are caused by all the evil-doers around her. She needs to believe that the only way her children would have any negative belief about her is that we are brainwashed by our evil father – the same father I have not had a relationship with in over 5 years. In her mind, there is nothing we could possibly perceive as negative about her unless we heard it from someone else. Her obsession with parental alienation syndrome is just another example of how she fixates on something relentlessly in order to quiet her fears. 

My mother is so self-absorbed that she cannot for one second look inwardly and see the pain she inflicts on others. She is a bully in the highest form. Throughout my life I have watched as each person who walked into my mother’s life suddenly disappeared. My mother has no friends and her sisters have only limited contact with her. No one can tolerate my mother for very long. Most people who really get to know her find her downright insufferable. And even before they get to that point, when they show the first sign of understanding who my mother really is, she picks up on this fast and immediately throws it back at them. She gets rid of them quicker than they can get rid of her. That person then becomes the devil to her, and she stops at nothing to take them down.

People who enter my mother’s life exist to her for one purpose: to be the hero that will solve all of her problems. When one by one they reveal themselves as mere humans who not only cannot magically solve her problems but have their own flaws as well, and when she realizes that their lives don't revolve around her, they stop serving a purpose to her. The problem is that when these people are immediate family members, she can’t just get rid of them. So they are stuck being her punching bag, the sounding board of her rage. They become objectified shells of their former selves who are expected to cater only to her and obey her every demand. She puts them in no-win situations. She twists their words, stirs up conflict, provokes them to their breaking point and then claims abuse when they fight back. She creates a living environment that is simply uninhabitable.

She has no interest in looking at herself as causing any problems, but she’s obsessed with setting everyone else straight. In fact she creates problems just so she has something to “fix.” I have been the person to bear the biggest brunt of this, and it has been very difficult for me to find lasting happiness in life because her abuse is always lurking around the corner. But what is more painful is watching her do it to people I care deeply about, and that includes your father.

For a long time, I thought that there was no way she would ever turn on your father. When I first told a friend of mine who has gotten to know (stepdad) through the years, that they were getting divorced, this friend’s first comment was “Well, good. I’m glad (stepdad) is getting out. He’s way too decent of a person to have to tolerate that.” (stepdad) first came into my mother’s life because she was playing the abused wife (of my father) and (stepdad) ran in to rescue her. He couldn’t have seen what was really happening, or that one day she would be crying abuse about him. Yes, that is what my mother is saying. And I can say with 100% certainty, that it is unequivocally untrue. Your father did his absolute best at being a partner to someone who is virtually incapable of truly being anyone’s partner.

I know (stepdad) feels that there are ways in which he lacked as a father to you, and that he hoped to get a second chance with me (and (brother), but that is a whole different story). Because of that, for the past 12 years, I have been able to live out something I so deeply missed as a child: the ability to point to a parental unit and proudly say, “These are my parents.” Your father has embodied everything that I lacked in my own parents: sanity, protection, level-headedness, unselfish support, protection, strength, calmness, simplicity, and wisdom. He has shown me what it means for a parent to be appropriately caring and concerned about me. He has been my one voice of reason amidst the chaos of my life. I think on some level I always knew that he was borrowed, but I’m so grateful that I got to have him as a father figure for the time I did. I honestly don’t know what a mess my life would be without the semblance of stability that he provided in my mother’s home.

There have been times when my mother seemed to be getting better, and she certainly has some redeeming qualities. There is a youthfulness about her that is endearing. There have been some moments of grace that have snuck in and will live on as treasures in my mind. I know that my mother is in a ton of pain, and I think the way she expresses herself is her way of quieting the horrors she lives with in her mind, which I don’t think I can possibly begin to imagine. For years I rode out her storms over and over again, just so we could get back to the good. Some have said that all that was doing was enabling her, which I think is true. Unfortunately, there is no way to stop it no matter how hard you try. So the choices are ride out the storms, or remove yourself from the situation. 

I have made the hard decision, which was a long time coming, to go no-contact with my mother and by default my brother who is grossly enmeshed with her. It’s not just your father that I’m losing, but I have essentially lost all of my immediate family. Without (stepdad) there, it is not a safe place. I am really grieving. I don’t understand why this had to be the family I was born into. But at this time, I have to choose alone over toxic, or I will never be able to have a healthy life.

Even though you (unfortunately) haven’t been huge parts of my life, it was important for me to have you hear my perspective and understand the complex situation your father has been living in for the past however many years. In whatever ways my mother tries to go after him, I will always be on his side, and I hope that you will always defend him as well. Whatever your relationships have been with him, you should know how lucky you are to be able to call him your father.

Best always,

Me

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Raccol! 

I am glad that you shared your letter with us, and I'm sorry for this pain you are going through.   It sounds as if you are in a lot of inner turmoil and sadness. Anyone would be. There are a lot of game changers for you because of the divorce.

I'm glad you wrote the letter.

As I was writing I realized that I'm probably not going to end up sending it, at least not at its current length, but writing it was cathartic, and it explains what is happening in my life.

There is something about writing that also helps me. It can be very therapeutic. I'm glad you are using this as a form of processing and healing in your life.

After a catastrophic Thanksgiving which led to the heartbreaking news that she and my stepfather will be getting a divorce, I had to come back on here to find support. Very few people in my life truly understand what I'm going through. My mother has been on the attack and I've had to make the choice to go no contact with her. It was the first Christmas I have ever spent away from her, and that alone caused me an unexplainable amount of grief.

Grief is such a strange emotion, and it is usually quite necessary that we walk with grief for a bit in order to allow ourselves necessary time to adjust and process and heal. Take a look at step 14 on the right hand side of the C&H board. ----->> > Under the heading Mourning. Do you feel that this step applies to you?

I too, went through lots of grieving when my parents divorced. When they each remarried, that was another adjustment. Then my step mom remarried after my dad died 2 years ago, and I have greatly grieved the loss of my relationship with her since then. It is like another death, one which hurts the soul, this deep loss of what we once had. Is there any chance your step dad will still be in contact with you? He sounds like he is a wonderful man. 

 
Wools

[SlyQQ]

Hi my step son did not talk to his mum for 5 years after we broke up ( despite my urgings to try and patch it , some really bad things went down ), prior to that he was the golden child ( and still is)

I hope your actions help your mum , which is what happened in my situation, and help your mother also, over time, moderates her actions good luck.

[Panda39]

Hi Raccol,

Thank you for sharing your letter, I agree with Wools writing can be so helpful.  For me it is taking all of those things swirling around in my head and putting them somewhere for safekeeping.

As a step(girlfriend of 7+ years) to 2 girls with an uBPDmom that hopes to make a difference, I really appreciate you sharing what an impact your step-dad had on you. I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time, a BPDparent is so very difficult and complicated.   Have you considered getting some therapy (if your not going already)?  It could be helpful support as you go through this transition.  My SO's D17 goes regularly and finds it helpful to work through things with an outside neutral person.

I was wondering why you are writing to your step dad's children and not directly to him?  It sounds like there might be another layer of things going on between them and their dad? 

Just because your mom and step-dad are divorcing that doesn't mean you can't still be in your step-dad's life and he in yours, it just might be in a different role... .friends.  Have you had a chance to talk with him since they broke the news of the divorce?  Have you been able to discuss with him that you still want a relationship with him going forward?

Take Care,
Panda39