New Member Intro

[MomofKat]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  I am the mother of my 17 year old daughter. Her father and I divorced when she was 7. She has had shared time with both parents over the years and is currently living with me and my boyfriend of 2 years full time.   

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  There are signs of other disorders on both sides of the family, not necessarily BPD though. Her paternal grandma is on bipolar medication. My sister is schizophrenic due to many years on methamphetamines.  Although her dad has not been diagnosed with anything, many therapists as well as myself believe he has traits of Narcissistic , Antisocial, and Borderline personality disorders. Basically many of the cluster B personality types.   

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  My daughter is very witty and funny. Her personality when I am not engulfed with her fake persona of the moment is amazing. She is a delight and a blessing in my life. She is very smart and creative in many areas.   

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  She has always struggled in school, currently expelled and due to start online school for her 11th grade year. She has major issues with her peers, mostly females. She likes to start drama and fights, then play the victim. With males, she is all about getting their attention and is super flirty. She makes friends very easily, but cannot retain them long at all. At home, she is super lazy and very belittling, abusive, and violent. She damages my property to include many holes in her walls and doors. My fear is that she will be 18 in 9 months and will be eaten alive in this world unless she starts getting control of her anger and other emotions. She makes very poor choices due to her impulsivity. Her friends are associated with gang activity, drugs, etc. She herself has been trying to self-medicate and has been running away.   

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  Other than the issues I mentioned above, I find it extremely difficult trying to relate to her and no matter how hard I try to help her, she gets worse. She treats me like I am a stray dog that she does not want around, yet tells her therapist and others that I am her "safe place". I have tried so many ways to discipline, yet nothing is effective. Consequences mean nothing to her. It is so difficult to remain calm and not take these behaviors personal. 

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  She is currently in short term residential and I begged them to diagnose her so I as a parent can learn to be a better parent for her. Over the years, depending on whhich therapist or psychologist she was seeing at the time, all diagnosed her differently. I heard ADHD/ADD, Anxiety, PTSD, depression, DMDD, possible Bipolar, Cluster B, etc. No medications ever really helped her, which was one of my clues that some of the guesses were not accurate. I finally started researching BPD and HPD, and while she does have most of all the characteristics of both-they (the Short term residential she is currently in now) agree that she is mostly Borderline. 

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  Trying to practice self care. I was a single mom for several years (now in a 2 year relationship), but have given my all and then some, only to feel like we have gone backwards. I work full time, go to school part time, and still have to balance all of her behaviors and moods. I am chronically exhausted. I struggle with spending time with family and friends due to her behaviors. I don't like the uncalled for comments or suggestions. "Have you tried this... ."  YES, I have tried everything! It just gets so tireing after all these years. I struggle with knowing that she is ultimately responsible for her choices and I hate that I cannot stop her from chosing the wrong things for herself. 

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  Currently in Short term residential. She also has a local individual therapist that she was seeing weekly. I was in therapy for a while, but her repeat inpatient hospitaliozations and followup appointments left no time for my appointments. 
  
  She has been in therapy off and on since she was 6. First it was play therapy, she did not respond. We have tried CBT, DBT, EMDR, MST, intensive in-home, outpatient groups. Seems never ending.

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  Not really sure of goals. I am reading STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS now and it was mentioned several times in the book, so I thought I would check it out.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi there, MomofKat.  Glad you found us... .sorry you had to!

You have your hands full with this daughter of yours!  It has been a long, hard haul and you so need to see a rainbow up ahead.  Wish I had the ability to put it there for you.

I can hear your frustration.  Sounds like you have tried everything you could think of to get her to change... .but bottom line... .she is the only one who can make those decisions.  She is in control of her destiny.

You write about "trying to practice self-care."  So, so important!  You deserve better than what you have right now.  On an airplane you are told, if the oxygen masks drop, put one on yourself FIRST, then look after the ones around you.  What good are you to anybody, including yourself, if you don't? 

Your daughter is expecting things to continue as they have all these years with you running from pillar-to-post trying to save her from herself.  Well... .maybe time to back off a bit.   See Lesson 2 (to the right |--->... ."If your current approach is not working - change it."

We are here to listen to you, MomofKat... .to be your sounding board and offer support.  Hope to hear more from you.

Huat