Strange breakup - a breakup really?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've posted recently a message about my relationship going shattered (you can read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318597.0), and just two hours ago, I had a conversation with my ex gf. Almost nothing drew my attention, except for the fact that it was a strange talk... .

The background is that she started having some romantic relationship with a guy. Before they went on a trip (December 25), she'd say that she's happy to have me around, and that we'll sort out all of our problems. After the trip (two days ago), she got distant, awkward, and now we had the talk face-to-face. It was not a classic breakup talk (there was no talk like that between us) and there were following things about that:

1) she seemed absolutely cured from me (even though four days ago she wasn't), like nothing ever was between us. Four days ago she'd call me the 'probable man of her life', now - it all seemed as if our relation was just the matter of the past - gone, OK, let's move on, blah blah,
2) she kept saying that she found a lot of inner peace and that she's absolutely OK (even though she looked like she'd been hit by a train before I visited her),
3) she called that other guy 'someone who wants to hug her' and when I suggested that I'm ok if they're together, she'd repeated with a question, do I think they're together (she didn't answer that and she never said anything rock-solid about their relation). Moreover, when I asked her if relation with him is what she wants (she'd said few weeks before, that he's absolutely not her type of man, and vice versa), she answered that she doesn't know what time brings, and that now, it's nice,
4) when I was leaving, she said that it's better we don't hug whatsoever, and when I asked why, she said that she's processing negative feelings towards me in her mind and she doesn't feel confident enough to hug me or touch me. When I asked about the positive ones, she answered that she doesn't think about them (like they are, but she doesn't even touch them),
5) when I asked how she wants our relation to be continued, she answered that we can talk sometimes, sometimes we can help each other, and borrow something from the other one and that it would settle on its own.

And here comes my question. Was it a real breakup, for good and bad, or was it a mechanism of a pw BPD? I mean, especially 4) seems bizarre to me, like she felt only negative towards me, and no positive at all. And that peace she talks about, like she suddenly, in one moment, cut off from me. And, in general, that talk seemed a bit blurry, no sharp boundaries, no sharp conclusions... .And, I have a feeling, that some of those words she had told me more than year ago... .

What do you think of that? Is that really BPD-driven or am I just going paranoid? Anyways, Happy New Year!

[rolling_stone]

I've posted recently a message about my relationship going shattered (you can read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318597.0), and just two hours ago, I had a conversation with my ex gf. Almost nothing drew my attention, except for the fact that it was a strange talk... .

The background is that she started having some romantic relationship with a guy. Before they went on a trip (December 25), she'd say that she's happy to have me around, and that we'll sort out all of our problems. After the trip (two days ago), she got distant, awkward, and now we had the talk face-to-face. It was not a classic breakup talk (there was no talk like that between us) and there were following things about that:

1) she seemed absolutely cured from me (even though four days ago she wasn't), like nothing ever was between us. Four days ago she'd call me the 'probable man of her life', now - it all seemed as if our relation was just the matter of the past - gone, OK, let's move on, blah blah,
2) she kept saying that she found a lot of inner peace and that she's absolutely OK (even though she looked like she'd been hit by a train before I visited her),
3) she called that other guy 'someone who wants to hug her' and when I suggested that I'm ok if they're together, she'd repeated with a question, do I think they're together (she didn't answer that and she never said anything rock-solid about their relation). Moreover, when I asked her if relation with him is what she wants (she'd said few weeks before, that he's absolutely not her type of man, and vice versa), she answered that she doesn't know what time brings, and that now, it's nice,
4) when I was leaving, she said that it's better we don't hug whatsoever, and when I asked why, she said that she's processing negative feelings towards me in her mind and she doesn't feel confident enough to hug me or touch me. When I asked about the positive ones, she answered that she doesn't think about them (like they are, but she doesn't even touch them),
5) when I asked how she wants our relation to be continued, she answered that we can talk sometimes, sometimes we can help each other, and borrow something from the other one and that it would settle on its own.

And here comes my question. Was it a real breakup, for good and bad, or was it a mechanism of a pw BPD? I mean, especially 4) seems bizarre to me, like she felt only negative towards me, and no positive at all. And that peace she talks about, like she suddenly, in one moment, cut off from me. And, in general, that talk seemed a bit blurry, no sharp boundaries, no sharp conclusions... .And, I have a feeling, that some of those words she had told me more than year ago... .

What do you think of that? Is that really BPD-driven or am I just going paranoid? Anyways, Happy New Year!

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi rolling_stone,

Sorry to hear about your breakup. It's really difficult to say one way or the other if she meant this as a permanent break up or a temporary one. With BPD their feelings are facts so today the facts could be that she is done forever but tomorrow when the feelings change, you will be the best thing to her. The only that can be done is to take things as they go. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she meant by the things she said one day to the next.

Are you still in contact with her or are you backing away to allow her to be in this new relationship?

Regardless of whether she comes back or not, what are you doing to begin healing for yourself?

[40days_in_desert]

For my personal situation, I can give examples of what Tattered Heart said about changing feelings. My ex and I have been apart for two and a half years and are still in the divorce process. She had attempted 4 relationship recycles. The first one was the only one that I fell head first for. What seemed strange is that at some point, her emotions changed about us getting back together all at once and without notice. I started to think that each recycle attempt had to do with having her emotional needs being met at the time because they weren't being met by her boyfriend. When her needs started being met by her boyfriend, I was no longer needed.
I recently received data from our discovery process that included all of their messages between them for the past 2 plus years. I can't give details but matching up the dates by all of the messages between my ex and I and the ones between her boyfriend and I, my suspicions were confirmed. Right before and I mean maybe an hour or less after he basically said he was over the "#*!", she sends me a message.

My situation is only one and don't take it as perfectly applicable to yours. Just one possibility. Everyone, BPD or not, is a little different.

[rolling_stone]

Hi rolling_stone,

Sorry to hear about your breakup. It's really difficult to say one way or the other if she meant this as a permanent break up or a temporary one. With BPD their feelings are facts so today the facts could be that she is done forever but tomorrow when the feelings change, you will be the best thing to her. The only that can be done is to take things as they go. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she meant by the things she said one day to the next.

Are you still in contact with her or are you backing away to allow her to be in this new relationship?

Regardless of whether she comes back or not, what are you doing to begin healing for yourself?

Tattered Heart, thank you for your answer. Yes, I'm having contact with her, but at the same time, I'm allowing her whatever she needs right now. When she texts me (and usually it's her who texts me first) I reply with warmth, but try not to overwhelm her. But it's hard when I'm being given mixed signals. One day after that strange breakup, she'd hug me and start kissing me on the neck, another day - she's cold and distant. Yet another day - she adds songs to her Spotify playlist which she links to me (and she still hasn't renamed it from 'It's complicated?'. Today, she asked me if I need something from her.

Well, I meet my therapist on a regular basis, I decided to travel a bit on weekends, and I'm trying to strengthen my relations with friends. In general, I do a lot of things for myself, but I only want to understand better, what's going on around me. And the problem is that she hardly ever says things sharp, rather she creates impression of something... .

For my personal situation, I can give examples of what Tattered Heart said about changing feelings. My ex and I have been apart for two and a half years and are still in the divorce process. She had attempted 4 relationship recycles. The first one was the only one that I fell head first for. What seemed strange is that at some point, her emotions changed about us getting back together all at once and without notice. I started to think that each recycle attempt had to do with having her emotional needs being met at the time because they weren't being met by her boyfriend. When her needs started being met by her boyfriend, I was no longer needed.
I recently received data from our discovery process that included all of their messages between them for the past 2 plus years. I can't give details but matching up the dates by all of the messages between my ex and I and the ones between her boyfriend and I, my suspicions were confirmed. Right before and I mean maybe an hour or less after he basically said he was over the "#*!", she sends me a message.

My situation is only one and don't take it as perfectly applicable to yours. Just one possibility. Everyone, BPD or not, is a little different.

40days_in_desert, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Our situation is a bit different though, because I suspect that my (ex)gf might have fallen in love for me and not until her previous friend/bf - hard to say - her BPD did show, and her first crisis was related to that friend turning back on her. She revealed no BPD traits before me afaik. So, our relation, what I think, is even more complicated... .

[Nwish]

“And the problem is that she hardly ever says things sharp, rather she creates impression of something... .”

I can totally relate to this. Since our breakup, my ex bf insinuates or creates an impression of things and you have to read between the lines as to what it means. I’m learning that trying to make sense of it is pointless. We want to figure out so much and it’s too difficult to understand.

[rolling_stone]

“And the problem is that she hardly ever says things sharp, rather she creates impression of something... .”

I can totally relate to this. Since our breakup, my ex bf insinuates or creates an impression of things and you have to read between the lines as to what it means. I’m learning that trying to make sense of it is pointless. We want to figure out so much and it’s too difficult to understand.

Nwish, how does your relation/contact look now?

[Nwish]

Hi rolling_stone -

Contact is on a friendly basis. There is always a response on both ends... .no silent treatment or blocking or devaluing. We hung out over Christmas weekend and that is when the mixed signals started. We still share things too. He has dates on our joint mobile calendar, I have a lot of his possessions that he doesn’t want back, and we play soccer together occasionally, and I see some of his family once in a while... He also just started rekindling friendships with some of our joint friends and I’m happy about that.

It’s just that the contact was so much before and he needed my presence so much that it’s odd to see him single and doing his own thing without needeing contact with me often. I’d like to say he has a plan, but uh... .he’s so impulsive I doubt he could/would do these things to incorporate a bigger picture, if that makes sense? I hate to underestimate him or be negative.

Reading between the lines was a huge hobby of mine for a while. Maybe we can take this great advice from the boards and focus on us. It’s so hard to be patient, I know.

[rolling_stone]

Focusing on us is a great idea. Tbh, it's what I'm doing right now, and since my (ex)gf let me go, I feel lot calmer and relaxed than before it happened. I'm not crying over our relationship, nor do I long for that only person. I'm caring for myself, hope you can do that do

But listening to different perspective, helps me understand what really happened. Could you tell me more about those 'mixed signals' you experience? What are they? Maybe an example? Just because I think I'm getting mixed signals, and I have no idea whether they are really mixed signals, or I'm just getting paranoid (hope not!)... .

[Nwish]

I’ll try to give some examples. There are so many! It’s hard without detailing our background.

He will call me upset or crying and ask me to come over, tell me how much he loves me, asks me to marry him. Then I hear nothing from him.

He asked me to come visit one night and told me not to wait for him because he will never be happy. When I left I told him in a text that he will be happy someday, and he said “I’m happy today!” (Because I had been there.

The past few times I went over he was all over me... .hugs, kisses, wanting more. Then he became single again and texted me daily asking about my day and small things... .asking to do things as part of my world again. Then he said we could never be bc he only loves me as a friend and has no romantic feelings, even though days before he was all over me and asked me to marry him.

During a normal conversation he was looking for information and told me if I keep the information from him then “we are done”... .but we are not together.

Tells me how much his family likes me and how we should be together and how we “were it”, but won’t do anything about it. Is he waiting for me?

Asks me if I still have a key to his house. I tell him I’ll return it and he says “no!”

Told me he will never be happy with one person so I asked if he would go online and just start dating a bunch of people and he said he might (sarcastically). When I told him we would run into each other on the dating site he told me he has no desire to date.

The mixed signals could go on and on and I know I have better examples. A lot of it has to do with regaining control. He can admit to that. Control of his world, not of me.

[rolling_stone]

Nwish, it seems we're going through quite similar experience, however, those mixed signals I'm getting from my (ex)gf are not so clear and obvious, like the ones you're getting.

Have you thought what do you expect from your relation? Well, I've thought and it seems I have to wait patiently and not scare my (ex)gf off... .

[Nwish]

Yes - I’ve thought that just waiting and being consistent (like the advice I get from this great board of people) will tell the story in time. It’s just a huge 180 from where we were this time last year and knowing how he is. It’s hard to think he needs time and space and not just trying to let me down but also keep me as a friend. He’s so careful and treads lightly which is not the way he used to be. This leads me to think he’s done and I’m in denial. Depends on the day I’m having.

Try to be patient and don’t push and see what time reveals. I understand how difficult that is! I hope the outcome is positive for you. If I have any updates I will be sure to post them. There is often a pattern.

[Meili]

Nwish has it right, trying to "read between the lines" is futile. Take things at face value because they are what they are.

If I may suggest, stop worrying about what signals she may or may not be sending you. You are just as important as she is and you need to base your choices and actions on what you think and how you feel rather than on guessing about her.