At end of tether with BFF and nowhere else to turn

[HippoDisco04]

So I am knee-deep in a pretty sticky situation and really don't know where else to turn for support. The situation has now been affecting my mental health to the point that I am clinically depressed and genuinely dread/am fearful of going into work each morning wondering what the day is going to be like, all of it depending on one particular colleague at the epicentre of this mess. I know I have placed this in, 'significant other' but there doesn't seem to be another category - sorry!

Each day is like walking on eggshells with her - you will go through cycles where you're a, 'favourite' and then everything is as it should be, better even. You're like BFFs. She has even been to my house for tea etc.! But then you will fall out of favour for some unknown reason - she'll never be upfront about it. You'll then spend days trying to figure what you could have done wrong - she's icing you out of conversations, being snidey/making backhanded comments, being generally petty. It's a really small office, 3/4 us in there so no escaping it, if you can imagine. The director often jokes that she has bullied multiple people out of the office and organisation with her behaviour; I've witnessed it first-hand also with others, I've now been with the company a couple of years and she made my first few weeks miserable/tried to get me fired. The director will never fire her, either - we're a small company with no HR/processes in place, she has been working with him longer than anyone and takes on a huge amount of the workload. She literally terrorises people, which is bizarre considering how easily upset she is by what others say/do.

In short, it's unbearable, but worst still recently I've discovered that she has blabbed sensitive/private information that I stupidly told her in confidence to our director (she is the office manager). I'd initially been looking for a new job as I felt that I'd exhausted my progression opportunities. She had been looking at other work, too at this time and of course, I was in her, 'favourite' books at the time. Well, whatever I've done in the last week or so has led her to tell the director, which has just added to how awful the workplace is now. I'm quite confident that he'd never fire me, as the topic has come up before and he was insistent that he'd place me elsewhere (I'm a good worker and we have great rapport, which she also hates!), but it has become incredibly uncomfortable to be there - painful.

I guess I am just looking to vent, but also to see if anyone has any advice on how to cope/resolve this. I can't really just hand in my notice and quit, as though I have been applying for other positions, I don't have anything lined up and I have a mortgage to pay. I just feel I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle though, of a toxic workplace with a crazy person who will wear me down to the point that I don't have the energy or confidence needed to land a new job :'(. Please help, as I really am at breaking point with this.

[an0ught]

Welcome HippoDisco04,

So I am knee-deep in a pretty sticky situation and really don't know where else to turn for support. The situation has now been affecting my mental health to the point that I am clinically depressed and genuinely dread/am fearful of going into work each morning wondering what the day is going to be like, all of it depending on one particular colleague at the epicentre of this mess. I know I have placed this in, 'significant other' but there doesn't seem to be another category - sorry!

you sound exhausted, so much so that you apologize for something not under your control - the categories are not perfect and fit all possible situations. They mainly serve the purpose the get the attention of a staff member who can best relate so don't worry. But it is another indicator that you are feeling defensive and depressed    . Colleagues from a relationship perspective are ongoing and long term relationships that are hard to dissolve much like a marriage and have somewhat similar dynamic. You will find that most of the material in the LESSONs applies - Boundaries, Validation and SET are keywords for you to look out for to get started.

Each day is like walking on eggshells with her - you will go through cycles where you're a, 'favourite' and then everything is as it should be, better even. You're like BFFs. She has even been to my house for tea etc.! But then you will fall out of favour for some unknown reason - she'll never be upfront about it. You'll then spend days trying to figure what you could have done wrong - she's icing you out of conversations, being snidey/making backhanded comments, being generally petty. It's a really small office, 3/4 us in there so no escaping it, if you can imagine. The director often jokes that she has bullied multiple people out of the office and organisation with her behaviour; I've witnessed it first-hand also with others, I've now been with the company a couple of years and she made my first few weeks miserable/tried to get me fired. The director will never fire her, either - we're a small company with no HR/processes in place, she has been working with him longer than anyone and takes on a huge amount of the workload. She literally terrorises people, which is bizarre considering how easily upset she is by what others say/do.

Sounds like you need to establish some boundaries, close quarters does not afford you the natural boundary of distance. Educate yourself, pick a boundary, commit and go through with it. It is vital you win so proper planning and thinking through escalations and price is absolutely key. Always keep in mind this is not about winning but about respect.

In short, it's unbearable, but worst still recently I've discovered that she has blabbed sensitive/private information that I stupidly told her in confidence to our director (she is the office manager). I'd initially been looking for a new job as I felt that I'd exhausted my progression opportunities. She had been looking at other work, too at this time and of course, I was in her, 'favourite' books at the time. Well, whatever I've done in the last week or so has led her to tell the director, which has just added to how awful the workplace is now. I'm quite confident that he'd never fire me, as the topic has come up before and he was insistent that he'd place me elsewhere (I'm a good worker and we have great rapport, which she also hates!), but it has become incredibly uncomfortable to be there - painful.

If you are sure it has been leaked maybe you can talk to the director to get some control of the message. It is not unusual for someone who is working hard and engaged to look for more responsibility. You really like the place, working with the director but you also want to have more responsibility. You heard some people are spreading rumors and you just want to make clear you like it here and want to do more.[/quote]

I guess I am just looking to vent, but also to see if anyone has any advice on how to cope/resolve this. I can't really just hand in my notice and quit, as though I have been applying for other positions, I don't have anything lined up and I have a mortgage to pay. I just feel I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle though, of a toxic workplace with a crazy person who will wear me down to the point that I don't have the energy or confidence needed to land a new job :'(. Please help, as I really am at breaking point with this.

There are no quick solutions but the tools here work in such situations and a few others here have gone through similar situations. Please do not forget to take good care of yourself - a continuous conflict can take a toll on your health.

,
a0

[pearlsw]

Hi HippoDisco04,

I don't have a lot to add to the helpful comments of anOught, but I just want to say that I really feel for you. You have vividly described a situation that sounds intolerable, and yet understandably has few easy solutions to it. You need a job, and you are stuck dealing with some serious unpleasantness.  It is interesting, your post has made me rethink a previously difficult work environment I was in and I know wonder what made it so. I think there are any number of difficulties other humans can bring into our work lives... .and that oftentimes stinks. I guess all I would toss into the mix and if this doesn't resonate, feel free to discard, but have you ever considered taking up a mediation practice? Either early in the morning or after work? I wonder if that can at least help your insides feel better! I used to meditate very early in the morning, oh geez, like 5 am, it was not easy, but it really helped me to slow down, have a compassionate frame of mind, and just generally be less reactive. Best part? It was basically free. I did it at a zen center... .you can do it alone, but the benefit of being in a group is somehow the collective energy of the group helps prop you up as you struggle on that mat and learn to let things go.

Again, sorry if this is not possible for you or even interesting, if not you, perhaps just suggesting this will help put it on the plate for someone else who reads this. I got a lot of benefits out of this practice, ones that stretch through even to the present. It really helped me reorder a lot of things in life and it is a wonderful touchstone to always go back to.  Even perhaps "redecorating" your workspace with small reminders of calming things could also help you get through your work days - a quote here or there that could work like mantra and get those "I hate being here!" thoughts out of your head as much as you can.

Okay, I'm out here, but I wish you the best with this... .

wishing you all the best, pearlsw.

[livednlearned]

Hi HippoDisco04,

It takes a lot of strength to have a relationship with someone who is BPD. It's pretty common to become emotionally injured, especially because the skills are not intuitive and must be learned. Glad you found the site so you can start to regain some confidence and strength.

Each day is like walking on eggshells with her - you will go through cycles where you're a, 'favourite' and then everything is as it should be, better even.

This sounds like classic splitting behavior, which is about her unstable moods/distorted cognition and not necessarily what others are doing to her. If something unpleasant occurs, she perceives others as "bad". Same thing for when something pleasant occurs, others are "good." She cannot see that someone good may do something bad.

She literally terrorises people, which is bizarre considering how easily upset she is by what others say/do.

She terrorises people because she is upset by what others say/do.

it has become incredibly uncomfortable to be there - painful.

Oof. I can only imagine how painful it must be, and in a small office space, too, which can make it so much harder. This has become so difficult it's affecting your mental health and making it hard to come to work. And you managed to apply for other positions, which is very admirable under the circumstances and says a lot about your strength, altho I know it may not feel that way with so much else going on.

It sounds like the director has weak boundaries to let this go on for so long. Whatever boundary you have with the office manager may need to apply to the director. People with BPD need strong boundaries and in some ways the director-manager sound like a conflict avoidant parent and one the other with BPD.

One quick thing to try with the office manager is validation. It's an easy skill to understand, and requires a lot of practice to do well. Validating her emotions means acknowledging and accepting how she feels without agreeing her thoughts are right or wrong.

What is an example of an interaction with her that can quickly feel abusive? Maybe we can walk with you through the language landmines and help you find a way to navigate her skillfully.  

[Fie]

Dear HippoDisco04,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have been there myself.
My former boss, in my previous job, was NPD. She used to bully me constantly. When I first started working there, she told me she liked me a lot but she was going to get rid of me, because I was a threat to her career.
Today I don't know why I didn't take that message seriously. I stayed, and the bullying upgraded to the point I got a stomach ulcer.
Finally after 1,5 years I left.

I know how exhausted you must feel. You got some pretty useful tips already and the communication tools on this site have proven tremendously helpful for me. But I feel this is an emergency situation, and you must do something on the very short term. You sound like you are heading towards a burn out. Some years ago a doctor prescribed me uniquinol for that (not ubiquinone). I felt the difference after 2 days only. Do you think it's an option for you to do that ? You don't even need a prescription for it.
Is it an option that you get a doctor's note for a week or two ?  Just to catch your breath ? When I was in your situation I hardly deared asking my doctor about it. When I finally deared to he prescribed me one month without hesitation and he was flabbergasted I had not deared to ask.

Are you in treatment for depression ? This is something you should get treatment for. Please keep posting. You are not alone with this.

xxx

[Panda39]

Hi HippoDisco04,

I agree with everyone else's suggestions I would start with boundaries... .For example, if I was you I would have no further contact with this person outside of the office, no more visits to your house.  Keep this relationship professional and in the workplace not personal and not in your personal space.

I like Fie have a history with a Narcissitic Boss so I can relate to much of what you are going through and feeling... .it really sucks 

On the work side if her behaviors are causing work related issues try and document those.  My Narcissistic Boss for example stopped following compliance guidelines so I documented that I brought up my concerns in a staff meeting, with my manager and with my boss (Director) to protect myself.  So while this is going on be sure to protect yourself in the work realm too.

I also think while you learn tools here to better deal with this person in the workplace the Directors lack of action is concerning.  You are currently working so that does give you the luxury while you are getting a paycheck to look for a new job.  I would keep looking.

Hang in there and do what is best for you 
Panda39