Living in a nightmare every single day of my life with this man

[Trapped_in_Texas]

I don't know what to do, I'm not even sure why I'm here typing this because I know that no one can help me, except me. With that being said, I am absolutely terrified that it's going to take one of us being hurt very badly, or worse, before I can get me and my children away from this monster of a man I have been married to for almost 9 years. He was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager, after suffering years of sexual assault at the hands of his father, he his this diagnosis from me for years, up until about a year ago, when I figured it out myself and asked him about it. We tried counseling, he went once and made a fool of himself and did not appreciate bein told it wasn't okay for him to put his hands on me, now he refuses to go back as he says I am the one who needs help, not him.

Don't get me wrong, things weren't always this way, even today when they're good they're great, but those times are less and less frequent and I see more and more rage and violence with each passing day.

Every single day I walk on eggshells wondering what I may inadvertently do to set him off, today it happened to be that I turned on my bedside lamp to gather my shoes and jacket so i could get the dogs in out of the freezing temperatures here, it was almost noon. That set him into a rage, he got out of bed shortly after exclaiming I am so &^@#$?$ horrible to him, I treat him like crap, etc.

Saturday we were on our way to his Dr appt, it was early and I was very groggy for some reason, he kept cracking jokes, I would give a half-hearted giggle or playfully giggle and roll my eyes, he began yelling at me because I was getting an "attitude" with him, I tried (and always do try) to de-escalate the situation, but once he was enraged it was beyond my control, he screamed and yelled at me the entire day, brought up any and every wrong doing, whether real or perceived, by me. After hours and hours went by, me crying, apologizing and pleading with him to please let it go he finally stopped and then became perfectly normal and happy again, I was shaken to my core and not so easily "happy" after the barrage of insults, screaming, etc. I had been through, then that set him off again. It's truly never ending with him.

He has hit me MULTIPLE times,  each one being my fault of course, poured drinks on me, thrown things at me, thrown things around, slammed doors, there is no end to his violence and when he gets mad, even at the slightest mis-step of mine or the kids, it is hours upon hours, if not days, of his rages. I have begged and pleaded with him to agree to a separation or divorce, which only enraged him more. He has isolated me from all of my friends and family,  I have no one to turn to, even if I did I doubt anyokne would believe me because he really turns the charm on around other people. I have hours of these situations recorded on my phone, I had hoped that playing some of these back to him would make him stop and think about how he treats me, and everyone else, but it only enrages him further, now I do it without letting him know.

I love him, he can be an amazing and caring guy when he is "okay", but the man he becomes is a monster, who I see more and more frequently than the man I married, and I don't have a clue what to do or where to start.
Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So many of us have been in your situation and we know exactly what you’re saying. Is this a relationship that you want to try and improve or are you looking for a way out?

I was in a long marriage with the same sort of abusive behavior. He undermined my self esteem and alienated me from my parents and friends. What finally begin the process of reclaiming myself was to admit the reality of my life to a close friend. As you say, outsiders don’t know because the person with BPD can be so good at turning on the charm.

Please take a look at the text to the right of this page and keep on posting, telling us more about your story.  

[Trapped_in_Texas]

Thank you for your response. Truthfully, I would love to make my marriage work, but I haven't the slightest idea how to and almost everything I've read doesn't give me much hope that things (he) can get better. If nothing changes, and soon, I feel like I have no other choice but to leave. This is not only affecting me, but also my children from my previous marriage (ages 18 and 15), but also my 4yr old grandson, whom we have custody of. My teenage boys are beginning to despise my husband, the way he treats me, his anger, mood swings, and so on... .of course he blames their feelings towards him on me.

My poor grandson, today I was just sobbing off and on all day and he asked me if papa was being mean to me again, things like that just break my heart. I have begged and pleaded with him to not behave the way he does in front of the kids, especially the baby, he even tells me that he doesn't, but he does. The older kids he is more careful around, as he probably fears they will step in and try to take up for me, or he doesn't want to show his a$$ in front of others who know that behavior is not okay.

I won't even pretend to know where to go from here, as far as trying to repair our relationship. This evening he lit into me because I had been crying off and on all day and he got mad because I wouldn't talk to him about what was bothering, I explained to him I was afraid to discuss it because I didn't want to upset him or start a fight, which ended up causing one anyway, since he was already mad again I tried telling him how I felt and he exploded, just as I feared and knew he would. It seems like he has only 2 moods, and they are both contingent on me, he is either cracking stupid jokes and acting childish or he is mad, there is rarely any in between.

Last night before we went r bed he told me not to let him sleep past 9 or 10am, I slept until 1030am myself, when I tried waking him up initially he was dead asleep, I tried again and got the same response, then I went into our room to get my jacket and shoes so I could take the dogs out, by this time it was after noon, I turned oin my bedside table lamp to find them and he rolled over in bed and told me I was a stupid god%$#& b&##% for disturbing him. Not only did he say it to me, but my grandson was in there also, and my ex-husband was in our kitchen, just the next room over, because he had stopped by to see the boys, so they all heard him too. Of course once he realized everyone heard him it was all my fault for making him look bad.

I am either his little pet, whom he will do anything in the world for and he worships the ground I walk on, or I am the most horrible woman on earth. In most every way he is like having another child to care for. He is irresponsible,  doesn't pay bills, cannot be depended on to care for anything around the house, will not pick up after himself, if he is asked to do the slightest thing he will forget 9 times out of 10, he even forgets to brush his teeth for days at a time. He spends his days doing what he wants to do, playing on his phone, watching movies on his phone, take hour long bubble baths, or whatever else HE feels like doing.

How do you even begin to fix something like that? Especially when he doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong? It all just seems to overwhelming and hopeless anymore

[formflier]

Do you have a counselor for yourself?

Do you have any contact with a local women's DV shelter?

Do you have privacy with your email and phone communications?


Do you have privacy to get on these board (bpdfamily) without him knowing.

You obviously have a lot of stuff to sort out and think about.  It's important you do so privately. 

How long has it been since there was "something physical" between you guys?

FF

[donkey2016]

Hello Texas,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties that you're going through. Please be very careful and don't tell your husband that you're thinking of leaving. It can escalate matters even more and become dangerous for you and the kids. I have lived in an abusive relationship but without physical violence but I know all about the rages that can go on for hours - yes even days. The reason I got strength to leave was that I could see the effects on my kids (from a former marriage). Like your teenage kids, they didn't like my ex. boyfriend. I think that the advice you have gotten already from Form flier and Cat familiar are very good - reach out to somebody that you can trust and who will not judge you. Try also if you're able to get alone time - to call a helpline or a local women's shelter. I did that in the end and just talking with someone who really took the situation seriously helped me a lot. I'm sorry I can't help you with any phone numbers or web site since I don't live in U.S. so I don't know what services you have there.

I think also that you should try to arrange with somebody (or a local shelter) that you can come over to them any time if the situation gets out of hand. Have a bag packed somewhere (maybe in the car) so that you can leave right away. Keep also notes with important phone numbers to friends or a local shelter in your hand bag or wallet - as a back up if he takes your cell phone.

When I started to reach out then I discovered that they were people ready to house me and the kids in the middle of the night if necessary.

Sending hugs and best wishes to you 
donkey2016

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Trapped_in_Texas,

Welcome . I am so sorry that your relationship has been so violent and that you are feeling so scared. You've found a safe place.

My biggest concern for you is safety. Do you have a safety plan in place? Have you ever called a domestic violence hotline?

When my H is being particularly angry, I will leave my purse and keys either in the car or somewhere right next to the door so if he begins to rage I can just leave. I have about $40 tucked away in the car and I have a bag packed and hidden in my trunk. I have talked with friends about having a safe place to go in the event I need a temporary place to stay. You can find out more about setting up a Safety Plan here. This is the most important thing you can do so that your H does not hurt you or the children.

It sounds like you have been subjected to his rages for hours at a time. That can really take it's toll on a person and it also leaves you in a situation where it will just begin to escalate more and more if he doens't get the answers he likes. When he begins to work himself up, is there a point where you know it is begining to get too intense? If so, will you leave right before it gets to that point?

For instance, my H used to rage quite a bit. I would just listen to him, try to calm him down, and eventually I just ended up apologizing even though I never did anything wrong. I decided that I would not allow myself to be raged at any more. I have a cut off point that if my H's volume reaches a certain level, if he calls names, or if he is violent towards objects that I will not be present for that. I tell him "I don't like to be yelled at. I'll be back in 30 minutes" and I walk out the door. We don't talk about it. We don't discuss it. I just go. It's not a threat of "if you don't stop yelling, I'm leaving." Would you feel safe doing that? If not, what would help you feel better.

I always let him know that I will be back so that I do not trigger abandonment or rejection in him. But I do leave the house. When I began to do this, his rages decreased more and more because he didn't have me as an audience to his behavior. He didn't like me leaving and he quickly learned that if he yells, then the conversation is done. I cannot guarantee that would be the case for you, but it gets you away from the rages and into safety and that is really what matters.

Recording fights and playing them back to him probably is not the best thing to do. pwBPD are extremely sensitive to rejection and shame and to do that will trigger both of those feelings in him. IT does not teach him anything and will only make things worse. If you need to record fights for evidence, please do so, but save those in a safe location and don't let him see them.

[ortac77]

Welcome

Like others my biggest concern for you is your safety. As they say on an aircraft safety demonstration "fit your own oxygen mask before helping others". I can only reiterate that it is vital to have a safety plan in place as has been suggested?

You say that BPD was diagnosed as a teenager and that things are getting worse and escalating with increasing rage and violence - you state he has hit you multiple times, you have evidence of this - I do agree that playing it back to him will only make matters worse.

One thing I learnt a while ago was that my partner had an illness, I also learnt that no part of that illness excused abuse towards me - he attacked me twice before I did something about it by contacting the Police - he was arrested , charged and put on probation. My bottom line was set, I will not endure rages and violence, he knows that I will support him in getting help but I will always put my own safety and wellbeing first.

Get help for you, there are sure to be local DV contacts and help in your area, please I urge you to look out for you first - only then can you think through your longer term options as to if you want this relationship to continue, walking on eggshells will never work and will never help your BPD partner.