Negativity vs questionable behaviour

[Lollypop]

Hi

I just wanted to post up about something I’m hoping to overcome over the next year.

I’ve learnt how to interact with my DS when he’s feeling low and moody. I find this relatively easy, I don’t overly react and try a more quieter and gentler approach - caring validation. I find that this works and he’s able to eventually ride the mood.

My problem is my learning not to respond when he overshares or wants to discuss things that I don’t want to know about. In the early days, I was careful not to obstruct any conversation. I was so focussed in not reacting, quite often saying “oh”. Gradually, we reached a level of natural exchange. My DS at one point became over-reliant in using me to vent his frustrations and I’m glad to say he’s got more resilient. Last time he called me up to ask to come over for advice and we talked it through. All good yeah?  What I find now is that I dislike my DS’s incredible selfishness but particularly his disrespect for women. The other day he made a comment about a one night stand. I kept quiet and it was wrong of me.

I’m in new territory again. I need to raise my game and challenge him or set a boundary. This type of talk is unacceptable to his mum and next time I hope to say “you know, I feel uncomfortable and don’t want to know this stuff”.  That’s the easy part. Dealing with the reality that I’ve raised a son who feels it ok to disrespect is hard. My DS is a quiet BPD who is learning how to function, his approach to sexual relationships has changed in the last 3 years and whilst it is none of my business I feel I must say something about his disrespect. He’s not gentle any more and I don’t like it.

I’ve reached the point that if he announced he was emigrating I’d be pleased! See ya!

Vent over

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi Lollypop,

I just wanted to say that I can totally understand where you are coming from, and I agree that you should tell DS that you don't want to hear this stuff.  I think this is all a part of taking care of yourself.  You don't want these thoughts and images in your head and need to stop hearing it for your own well-being.  We shouldn't have to set aside our values and mental well-being just because someone else wants to overshare, be it a friend or our BPD child.  I don't think that it is judgemental; it is being true to yourself and taking care of yourself first, as you should.

At this point, your son's choices are not at all a reflection on you or how you raised your son, Lollypop.  You are a mum who has gone so far above and beyond, and your wonderful character and huge capacity for self-reflection as well as compassion for others speaks for itself.

  MM

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop.

What a journey, hey? 

I try not to fantasize on what my life would have been like had I decided not to become a mother.  Mind you, I had it all mapped out... .the doting children... .then what was to follow... .the doting grandchildren... .as I eased myself into old age.   

Ouch!  Just slapped myself to attention!

As I post on this board I really try to think out my words... .writing... .re-writing.  I don't want newcomers to think I have become hardened, non-caring of my child.  I also hesitate in giving any kind of advice because, while all of us share the common bond of dealing with our troubled children, all situations are different.  Who am I to tell a parent whose child is on the streets, doing drugs, whatever... .to practice "tough love"... .pull away support... .let them suffer the consequences of their behaviours?  Each of us have to make our own decisions... .but it is good to feel the support of others here as we do what we feel is best.

I, and I know others, do appreciate your posts as you walk your way through the different situations with your son.  I have written before that, way-back-when... .when I was in my holier-than-thou-fogged-period-of-life, I would have shied away from families like yours.  Tsk!  Tsk!  Then reality hit and it hit hard.

When that beautiful, little baby was first put in our arms and we smiled down on that cherub-looking-face, we had no idea what was ahead of us.  We have done our best, still are... .and will continue to do so.

I'm sure your son is telling you about his "one-night-stand", etc. to get a reaction from you.  He knows you don't approve.  I think what you have planned to say to him is very appropriate.

Recently I read a post where "Gray Rock Method" was mentioned.  I had never heard of that expression/method before.  I googled it... .made sense.  In this instance with your son, though, I feel there has to be a response.

So, onward and upward!  Life can be good in spite of... .

Group ((HUG)!     

hUaT       ; )

[Lollypop]

Hey mommae

Oh boy, you’re so right. I hadn’t actually thought of it as self-care but it really is.

Hi Huat

Detachment, no contact - that’s called caring for yourself. We all know you love  your daughter dearly, you love her so much that you’re going through all this and she might just one day agree to family therapy. Once upon a time, I was that judgmental mother too only selecting the “right friends” etc.


Tough love didn’t work for us. This gradual approach of emotional support balanced with increased detachment has been tricky. We’d like our kids to have the same values as ourselves but that doesn’t always happen. I was only saying yesterday that I hope my DS never has kids - that honestly demonstrates just how far I’ve come as I’d dearly love grandchildren but not at any cost. My DS has good traits but his selfishness is unbelievable - I can see him for what he is without resentment. Frustration yes!

Thanks for replying as it’s helped me.

Strong together... .

LP 

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Still fighting the flu.  

I may way off centre here and please say so. You may be fed up, what next and I understand it's been a long journey.

2018 is the year of celebrating us women, 100 years since the UK vote and more.

I recognise you don't like it, I would not either, that said you can work through this as you are all woman, me too 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I haven’t had flu but a strange bad cold and it’s been 14 days! But I do know many have had the flu and I’m so sorry you’re still suffering. It’s rubbish isn’t it.

I’m not fed up, I’m feeling quite strong - just very aware that I can’t be quiet on this one. It’s no different if he was a racist - I’d challenge him as best I could. Mommae is right and setting a boundary is self care. You’re right too because, as a woman, I take his disrespect personally.

I’ve decided to challenge him if it happens again. A lesson is needed and it’ll make me feel better.

He’s lucky I didn’t smack him one. That IS a joke! 

Hope you get better soon.

LP

[mggt]

Hi Lolli, I agree with you if you are uncomfortable with certain convo with your son you should bring it up although very softly.  I know some of the things my d says to me I just cringe and most of the time I dont want to have a convo with her because she is always negative and trashing someone it is constant.  Sound terrible not to want to talk to my d but she is constantly insulting people ugggggggg

[incadove]

Hi Lollypop - I feel you, when one of your kids does something you think is wrong that's a really hard kind of pain!

One thought - not that it excuses anything, but he may be talking (bragging) about sexual adventures because its a way to try to put himself up.   Perhaps just reminding him that you look up to men who behave decently, that being respectful is a show of real strength and deserves respect, is one way to put it.  And let him know that it hurts you can't respect how he is behaving.

I didn't actually get from your message whether he had done something beyond having a one-night stand, and maybe talking disrespectfully about women.  Was there something that needs a more solid line to be drawn, or is it more a matter of attitude?

[Lollypop]

Hi incadove

You’re words are wise and thanks for this different perspective.

It’s an attitude and I can see the what the cause was, high emotions about his relationship and getting caught up in a one night stand almost as a revenge.

Honestly it’s not my problem. It’s a bunch of adults behaving badly. I don’t need to know or listen to the rhetoric.

Thanks for replying

LP

[wendydarling]

LP, like mggt and incadove I've been wondering if he is projecting his uncomfortable feelings about one night stand, he comes to you as you are not judgemental, you are a woman (his Mum) he trusts and you have learnt how to let him solve his emotional issues, by meeting him and being truthful? Yes, it's not your problem, being truthful helps you place his responsibility with him.

WDx

mggt - I love your avatar!  

[mggt]

Wendy, Thank you nothing puts a smile on my face more than a pic of a baby or puppy   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders