The audacity of my BPD wife who wants a divorce

[TurbanCowboy]

So I take a trip for 4 days with my son this past weekend to Disney World.

Of course Thursday before I leave she’s difficult, insulting me, wondering why I can wish her well when we don’t have a separation agreements and she’s turned my life upside down. She’s taunting me that I’m going to be a two weekend a month father. Months ago when I was hoping to have joint physical custody and needed to know the logistics she only would say I promise I’ll live somewhere in the state. Obviously she’s really looking out for our son.

Anyway, the next day I arrive in Orlando and I’m getting a couple texts from her, one of which is to send pictures. The nerve.

I send no pictures to her Friday.  Saturday morning I get more texts and she’s asking for pictures again, she’s . Of course now I cave and sending pictures while I’m at Disney, she responds back. She FaceTimes with our son that night for a while in the hotel.

The next morning we get up early to do a breakfast at Magic Kingdom, I’m getting FaceTimes from her at 8AM in the Park, I think she looked at my Facebook where I’m blocked.  She’s kind of joking with me while I’m walking and figuring out where I’m going. At 5PM I get a text about a leak in the house and how to shut off the water. She’s telling me she just filled up the tank for oil hat and is burning through. I couldn’t help her but said I was willing to drop by the next day after my flight to drop off our son and take a look. She says she’ll figure it but thanks.

Yesterday I’m getting texts about my flight leaving, asking to FaceTime my son, my flight was delayed and while I’m in the air she’s asking me if the trash comes Tuesday. I respond hours later that it does.

Keep in my mind we are separated and I moved out. She wants the divorce and has been cheating on me since the summer. She also wants me off the deed to the home as part of the divorce, we just bought the home and would get crushed if sold. I agreed. This is a home she didn’t help me out with at all, zero sweat equity.

Today I drop off my son at daycare and take his suitcase to the house. I put it in an unlocked storage area. It had snowed and there were larger footprints in the snow. I knew the replacement was at the house while I was away. I peeked in the garage and his truck was parked in it.

I’m in Disney getting texts about a leak in the house, she wants pictures of my trip, she’s texting me about the trash, and her replacement’s truck is in the garage of the house I’m sill on the deed to.

I text her that if she has anymore questions outside of our son to go to her boyfriend, she’s evil and she’s dead to me. DEAD to me outside our son.

Here is the response:

1. You think I care? After wasting 10 yrs of my life next to someone that his priorities were other than his family? I’m actually glad I’m dead to you.

2. I asked where the water shut off was. You didn’t have to respond. I’m used to you not responding to my texts... 10 yrs of experience... I’m immune to it

3. The day I decided to divorce you, YOU were dead to ME.

4. How does it feel to when someone acts selfish and its about them? they do what they want to do? What makes THEM happy?

You thought I was going to be waiting my whole life for you to wake up and “get it”? YOLO!

Anyway... think whatever you want, say whatever you want.

I DONT CARE! and you can clearly see that.

Three minutes later after no response:

If I was dead to you... you wouldn’t be texting back. who cares what I do with life! I don’t care for your insults anymore.

That she said “if I was dead to you” was such a dead give away that I really hurt her in my opinion.

I’m not sure I can recover without going no contact because she is oblivious to the fact that it’s highly incenstitive and inappropriate for her to text me and request the things that she does when my REPLACEMENT is at our home.

It’s all about her.

[pearlsw]

Hi TurbanCowboy,

I hear a lot of pain, annoyance and anger in your post. I am wondering, after getting that all out, what next?

In a way, if you keep interacting as such, what difference (almost) does it make that you split up? Will you allow yourself to continually be baited and to be angry and do battle, or do you want to (at some point/your choice) get to a place where you can have responses that don't escalate/worsen things?

I'm sincerely asking, not pushing you at all. These are your choices. I know divorces are painful, difficult and horrible... .and some people are extremely difficult to communicate with and it feels nearly impossible to do so under any circumstances. I get that. It can turn you into a pretzel and make your mind bend.

On the other hand, if there was a way to reduce your suffering a bit, would you like to take it?

wishing you peace, pearlsw. 

[Mutt]

Hi TurbanCowboy,



Im sorry that you had an awful vacation. I completely understand how painful it is when our expwBPD moves on so easily to another man - it really stings. I think that she’s telling that you’re dead to her because what she believes in her mind about abandonment has come true.

At the center  of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment fears, a pwBPD anticipate that everyone that they care about wil leave them imagined or real. It’s self destructive behaviour in a relationship and telling you that you’re dead to her telegraphs how much pain that she’s in.

You’re in pain too and I agree with you, you should go into minimal contact to self protect. She’s going to continue with letting you know in subtle and no subtle ways that she’s hurt without thinking about your needs. I have yhtre kids with my exuBPDw and I’m in minimal contact with my ex. Self protection with kids is possible. Self protection will give you the adequate time and space that you need to recover.

[Panda39]

It sounds like you have moved out, so guess what? She has issues with the house? Those are her problems, she is an adult. The Trash seriously?    All of this stuff is bait trying to get you to engage with her... .negative engagement is still engagement.

I agree with keeping your contact with her to a minimum it will help create some distance and give you some space for yourself.

If you do feel the urge to reply, take your time and really think about if you need to respond at all.  Is it TurbanCowboy bashing? Then don't respond.  Is she pushing your buttons, just for the sake of pushing your buttons? Then don't respond.  If it is a legitimate issue regarding your son respond.  All I'm saying is take your time... .maybe give yourself a day to respond to some of this stuff if you do decide they deserve a response.

Take care of you. 
Panda39

[TurbanCowboy]

It sounds like you have moved out, so guess what? She has issues with the house? Those are her problems, she is an adult. The Trash seriously?    All of this stuff is bait trying to get you to engage with her... .negative engagement is still engagement.

I agree with keeping your contact with her to a minimum it will help create some distance and give you some space for yourself.

If you do feel the urge to reply, take your time and really think about if you need to respond at all.  Is it TurbanCowboy bashing? Then don't respond.  Is she pushing your buttons, just for the sake of pushing your buttons? Then don't respond.  If it is a legitimate issue regarding your son respond.  All I'm saying is take your time... .maybe give yourself a day to respond to some of this stuff if you do decide they deserve a response.

Take care of you. 
Panda39

I moved out a month ago.

I reached out to the replacement and told him I don’t want to hear from my wife anymore unless it’s absolutely necessary (our son, divorce).

He told me he was telling my wife to send the texts. He was telling me that other texts were through him as well which I had suspected given the writing style difference.

This to me this is absolutely hilarious because I gave my wife total freedom and latitude for 10 years to do what she wanted, build a career, go to grad school, etc., and now it looks like she is nose diving into a relationship with a narcissistic control freak which I can’t see working out in a billion years.  My wife had a two year boyfriend who she said was perfect but she dumped because he was always trying to do everything for her. I’m guessing this is the engulfment kicking in.

This admission was great because now any time I do get texts from
My wife I’m going to confirm that I am speaking with her and not her control freak boyfriend who appears to have very thin skin and his own abandonment issues. She will be reminded every time she speaks with me that she is being controlled and it will poison their relationship.

He gets disability from the VA for PTSD and he’s a narc for sure.  He’s been divorced twice in the last 6 years and I believe both his parents are dead.

I don’t want to get caught in some form of triangulation to fuel this relationship.

[Husband321]

I moved out a month ago.

I reached out to the replacement and told him I don’t want to hear from my wife anymore unless it’s absolutely necessary (our son, divorce).

He told me he was telling my wife to send the texts. He was telling me that other texts were through him as well which I had suspected given the writing style difference.

This to me this is absolutely hilarious because I gave my wife total freedom and latitude for 10 years to do what she wanted, build a career, go to grad school, etc., and now it looks like she is nose diving into a relationship with a narcissistic control freak which I can’t see working out in a billion years.  My wife had a two year boyfriend who she said was perfect but she dumped because he was always trying to do everything for her. I’m guessing this is the engulfment kicking in.

This admission was great because now any time I do get texts from
My wife I’m going to confirm that I am speaking with her and not her control freak boyfriend who appears to have very thin skin and his own abandonment issues. She will be reminded every time she speaks with me that she is being controlled and it will poison their relationship.

He gets disability from the VA for PTSD and he’s a narc for sure.  He’s been divorced twice in the last 6 years and I believe both his parents are dead.

I don’t want to get caught in some form of triangulation to fuel this relationship.

When I met my BPD wife she also handed me the reigns and wanted me to text her ex... .

As soon as she would be mad it me she turned it to "my new boyfriend is so controlling.  He won't even let me text you"

It's hard to say what is really going on. But I do know that her ex thought I was some "control freak" also, but I was just doing what my wife wanted me to.