Dealing with my son

[Cwmdare]

I am overwhelmed with relief at finding this site.   I have struggled to deal with, cope and understand the mental abuse I have suffered for many many years.   My son is 35 years old, married with twin girls.  My husband died very suddenly 12 years ago and I have been struggling to cope with the mental abuse my son dishes out.   He wields so much emotional power over me and flips in and out of his Jekyll and Hyde Character.  i keep quiet so as not to rock the boat but have sought professional help from a Consultant Psychiatrist who, has explained that, without meeting my son, the impact of his behaviour and longevity of the abuse, had caused me to suffer a boit of depression.

i am just beginning to recognise that his behaviour needs careful understanding.  He is a high achiever, successful and charming to others.  My daughter who is a medical professional does not want to challenge him and prefers to pit oir problems at the back of her mind.   i rely on a circle of close friends and family to get me through the tough and hurtful times and continue to work, even thoigh I am retired, to take my mind off my problems.

I have noticed quite recently that his behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic.  On the one hand he is helpful, intelligent and charming and within a hare’s breath he becomes verbally vicious, wounding and explosive.

I dare not say anything to my daughter in law about his antics as she is a co dependant And always justifies and relishes the effect his abuse does to me.  I am fully aware of this toxic relationship and have systematically become their victim so as not to rock the boat.   

After years of abuse and as I get older it would be better to run for the hills from these two but I now have twin grandchildren and am even more caught up in the cat and mouse senario.  In order to see them I have agreed to care for them once a week but am ill prepared for what lies in store and how to deal with my son’s volitile temperament.   A perfect example was that this Christmas Eve I put on a warm and lovely family meal and tried hard to create a loving atmosphere for all only for my son to make nasty and vile comments to me when we were alone in the kitchen.  He is extremely jealous of his sister but to her face is extremly charming.  He makes vile comments to me behind her back which he kniws will hurt me.

In summary there are many disturbing stories which I have buried as I feel so embarrassed to tell even my coterie of close friends.  I am extremely fearful of the future and what he will do to me and am pragmatic enough to know it is only a matter of time before I have to end my relationship with him and his family thereby jeopardising any contact with my grandchildren.

Its really a no win situation but I hope that by this site I might learn to develop the tools to protect my sanity and try to understand how best to deal with him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

My heart aches for you  .  Especially when they are gc involved.  We love our children but this disease is very severe and the toll it takes on us it horendus .  I too have a d with 2 children two different fathers and she is not with either of them .  I take care of them couple days a week and adore them .  My only advice is to listen to your gut and you have to decide what you will put up with and cant .  Our bp children can be so cruel to us , we have done everything in our power to help  but... .never enough.  She is our only child and sometimes I am thankful for that .  I could only imagine the problems she would have had with siblings it would have been torture for them.   

[mggt]

Hi , just another thought dont be ashamed to vent here . This is a safe place to vent and rant .  Its ok we understand.  No one can understand it unless you have been through it not friends family so vent and rant al  l you want no judgement here

[countryliving]

I am so sorry for your situation with your son. When grandchildren are involved I can imagine the challenges are ten fold. Like you I just found this group and I hope we can seek support and guidance in nagivating life with our loved ones who have BPD. For my family I am learning boundaries is taking on a whole knew meaning and I learning as I go. Blessings

[RRE]

Sending a hug to you.  I am in very similar shoes.  If it were not for my sweet grandson, I would most likely exit my sons life.  After years of horrible verbal abuse, I just don't have much left to give to him.  I continue to work on self care and boundaries. Please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone.