How do you handle hurtful needless comments?

[5xFive]

I think I experienced an extinction burst. H FaceTimed me to show me that he cut his wrist and I was going to sit and listen to him bleed out. So I called 911. This is the 2nd time I’ve done this. The first time, they took him to the hospital and released him immediately. This time, he called me freaking out, said he lied to me and I’ve ruined his life and this is going to ruin it more. So I told the police that he was just making a threat (true) and that he didn’t mean it. Also true. They got him on the phone and he said the same thing to him. The officer that was here was the same officer than came 3 yrs ago. He remembered me and the situation.
The officer told me that if this ever happens again, he WILL be put on a 72 hr hold or they will charge me and take me to jail.
Now he’s mad at me and blames me for calling the police. But I’m not listening to that. I did what I thought was right. Now he’s accusing ME of being a liar and telling me that he can never trust me. I can’t handle this brand of crazy!
Lately, every time he says he’s leaving, I have this enormous sense of relief. I don’t want to feel this way.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

He takes away my voice so I end up texting him just to be HEARD. I don’t know why I need to be heard so badly.

Our pwBPD can be all about outbound communication.  Our existence as distinct people with needs is tough for them to see.  When they cannot hear us, we feel like we have no voice.  There is nothing wrong with you that you need to be heard so badly.  You are not being heard, and it feels so bad.  But, as you've noticed, this bad feeling and the desire to make it go away may push you to do things that can escalate the situation.

I do see the need to JADE when he says hurtful things. Or misunderstands me.

If you can resist this urge, you'll see some major benefits.  JADE throws fuel on the fire.  It almost never succeeds in turning our pwBPD around to our view.  We are unlikely to be heard as we wish we would be when we JADE.

I don’t think we can ever have constructive conversations when he is at work. When he’s in a good place, I typically don’t hear from him. It’s only when he is dysregulating that he texts and texts and texts. It give me anxiety. Especially because I have learned that nothing I say is going to help. But I can’t text back so I call. But when I call, I don’t have anything to say so I either say: I don’t know what to say, or I’m silent. Which makes him mad so he hangs up on me and then the texts start again.

Bingo.

I think am going to set a boundary for myself (if that makes sense). Even if I NEED to be heard, I’m not going to text back. If he sends me an ignorant text, I will try to see if it is coming from a place of hurt and if I think it is, I will call ONCE to try to give him support. If he rages at me and hangs up on me, I will not call him back or reply via text. This is going to be very difficult for me but I think it is the only way that I will not JADE.

     

I also need to work on not letting it affect my entire day. I tend to disappear into myself when he dysregulates and I feel like I fail as a mother and at my work and at my housekeeping. Meaning I don’t get anything done bc I’m so wrapped up in HIM.

I have been having some of the same issues lately.  Boundaries on unhealthy communication is a huge help.  And finding positive activities to replace the negative ones -- productive or relaxing things that make you feel good around the house, going for a walk with the kids, lunch with a friend, etc.

30 inbound texts in 1.5 hrs. I replied with 8 calls and the longest lasted 42 seconds.
It has now been 30 mins since he last texted and I have this irrational urge to call him. What in the world? Am I looking for a fight? Why do I feel this need? I’m not going to call him. I’m posting here instead but sheesh. I’m surprised by myself and I can see how this need to be, idk, right? Heard? Idk but I can see how it can trigger and escalate. I’m going to stick to my own boundary and see what happens today... .

  You are making progress!  Changing these patterns is ridiculously hard, but you are aware enough to be observing what's happening.  Don't be discouraged if progress is slow.  Work to move your awareness to occur sooner and sooner each time, until you find you're figuring it out before you get sucked into a counterproductive action.

Then 7 texts in a row about what a pos I am and how he’s coming after me for the kids and he hopes I’m ready. And how my actions show that I don’t love him OR our kids. THIS this is where I want to respond. To defend myself. To make him see how I feel. But I’m not going to do it today. He can say these hateful things about divorce but I’m not going there. About taking the kids from me, I have pages and pages of texts and all of my posts on here that document the abuse I receive from him. While I worry, I’m not so worried about that. When it comes to the kids, he doesn’t spend more than 5-10 mins before he hands them off to me. Idk why he thinks he could care for them full time.
The one thing that he always goes back to when he threatens divorce is how I’m going to have to testify about my lies to him. Like moving to a place that he said he wanted to move to but now doesn’t want to be and buying a house together, hunting and signing papers etc but that now makes him feel trapped were me lying to him. It’s not rational. Right? I question everything. Idk anything anymore.

  Good.  You are recognizing the urge to JADE before you do it.  You are holding on to your own reality.  This is major progress.

I saw some similar distortions with my wife.  I took a job she didn't like.  She had some legitimate beefs with me.  But she was threatening to take the kids away, and specifically talking about how bad I would look in court.  People don't lose their kids because of career disagreements or disappointment about where the family lives.  Busy judges and lawyers don't want to be bothered with tales of everyday woes.

I’m not sure I did the SET properly. He got really mad again and hung up on me. Then sent me several texts about what a stupid f&$ing b**h I am and what a filthy f-ing c**t.

SET is a good tool, but I've found it harder to use than things like avoiding JADE, which I was able to figure out earlier on.  SET seems to work for me in a calm time, or one of mild upset.  In the middle of a dysregulation, fuhgettaboutit!

I sent him the following text (first text today):
I am not going to be called names. I will unblock you in 10 mins.

And then I blocked him for 10 mins. Should I have worded that differently? Or should I have simply put my phone away?

The reference to blocking may have felt like an escalation to him.  Even with perfect word choice, your new boundaries will still upset him, but it's good to try to be as effective as possible.  For just 10 minutes, you probably could have just put your phone down.  For longer intervals, you may or may not choose to give him a heads up, whatever you think is least inflammatory.  You could say something like "I'm going to be away from my phone for a bit, I'll check messages in 30 minutes."  At some point you may need to 'fess up and say that all the texts are upsetting you and you need some time to calm down.  Make it about you, not him.  Don't take blame, but say you need time.  If that upsets him, don't JADE.  It is what it is.  I wouldn't explain this when he is at work.  Do it when he is at home and calm.  You can work up to longer intervals where you have peace from the texts.  Eventually, you hopefully will get to the point where you don't respond at all to nonproductive communications when he is at work.

Truth is, I feel bad that he is so upset. But he has not called me another name... ?

Can you advise me on how to set this boundary properly in the future? And how to soothe him when he feels abandoned by it?

It is natural to feel bad he is upset.  You love him.  But you are not responsible for soothing his emotions.  He is an adult and should be able to do this for himself.  This is a big deal.  You being responsible for soothing him causes loads of trouble and pain, for you especially.

I called 911... .
I told the police that he was just making a threat (true) and that he didn’t mean it... .
The officer told me that if this ever happens again, he WILL be put on a 72 hr hold or they will charge me and take me to jail... .

Calling the police on our pwBPD is tough.  We are likely to feel guilty.  Do you see how you reversed yourself in front of the police?  You took care of your husband's dirty laundry for him, and by telling them he was just making an empty threat, you shielded him from the natural consequences of his actions?  Do you see a potential link between you changing your story and the officer leaning on both of you and not just your husband?  If you are genuinely concerned for your husband's safety, call 911.  And stick to your story.  You were genuinely concerned.  Period.  He can deal with the consequences.  If you are not concerned for his safety, don't call 911.  You are not ruining his life.  Consistency here is key.  It will allow you to hold firm in the face of his distortions, and it will help you in dealing with outsiders like the police.

Lately, every time he says he’s leaving, I have this enormous sense of relief. I don’t want to feel this way.

Things are not going well, to say the least, so it is totally natural to feel this way.  Either road, whether he stays or he leaves, will be difficult.  The best way to feel better is learn how to avoid making things worse.

Boundaries are tough, but the are really really important.  Many of us "nons" have real trouble figuring out and applying boundaries.  Many of us came out of our FOO without them and have never figured it out.  It causes so much trouble for us.  I'm sounding like a broken record, but check out that Boundaries book.  There's also some good stuff on this site.  Don't expect to get good at it right away.  It will take a while.  But it's worth it!

To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

It takes true grit to make improvements in situations like this.  But it is absolutely an achievable goal for you to get some peace from hurtful text and phone communications.  It will take time and effort, but you can do it!

WW

[5xFive]

Thanks Wentworth.
I’ll get that book and the other about stop caretakong.
Today has been horrible. I should have let the police take him. But I only say that so I could have some PEACE. I had an interview at 3:30 with a company that will let me work remotely. And will make up about half of my needed income, maybe more eventually. The entire interview, he texted me and called me. A 15min interview and I got 5 calls and 15 text messages. The texts were him begging me to choose him. Choose him over the interview that I have been waiting for for 3 months. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what I should have done. I did put her on hold and answer him once. He then got mad that she was only on hold. I didn’t CHOOSE him. This is 10 mins after he said he was buying a plane ticket to leave. And 2 hours after he came home, packed a bag, and left.
I’m so done. I just want to go to sleep. I’m so tired.

I’d like to learn from this and grow. What should I have done here? Any advice?

[isilme]

I’d like to learn from this and grow. What should I have done here? Any advice?

You do what you need to do to ensure your well being and survival.  That means to prioritize the interview.  That means get some sleep.  That means learn to ignore or distance with dissasociating from the hurtful comments. 

In a very rough period, H and I were almost living like roommates.  H was fighting being fully committed to just me, and I was tired of feeling like the girl on standby, and I was a wreck.  I started working on doing things for me.  I cleaned - for me.  It made me feel better.  I tried to exercise - for me.  It made me feel better.  I did my job and worked on improving life at home - for me. 

You can only control YOU.  You seem to feel you need to manage his emotions.  Lesson #1 - those are his flying monkeys.  All you can control is what YOU take from his expressions of his emotions, and how you choose to react.  This is VERY hard to work on, as many of us are pretty co-dependent, and don't even know hat being happy for our own sakes means. 

I get stressed when H is in a bad mood.  I feel it's my job to fix it (it's not).  I feel I am not allowed to be happy if he is upset (I am). 

The angry child analogy is really the best to take to heart - you are dealing with an adult, the full adult agency, who has the emotional control and emotional understanding of life of a toddler.  Which makes sense in a way, as that is the age in which the nurture failings that can lead to BPD are often most in effect.  A child missed some type of developmental need, grew up, but never learned to exercise self-soothing skills.  And so any disagreement = abandonment.  Any feelings of not being #1 at all times = abandonment. 

My H has an emotional disability that makes being rational and calm difficult at times.  As I learned from here, and allowed myself to have my own feelings and allowed him to have HIS, things slowly improved. 

It sounds like you have a lot going on at home - your job loss puts a lot on his shoulders to be a breadwinner.  This can lead to feelings of shame if he thinks he's not earning enough.  It can make him angry at feeling that shame, which he will project onto you.  Nursing babies are also a challenge in non-BPD households - now add an adult who will see the infant, no matter how much he may love it, as competition for your attention.  You 'abandoned' him to provide for the family.  You 'abandoned' him to feel angry at work, probably inadequate at work, and likely worried he will lose his job and be responsible for you being destitute.  H makes these comments often about how he feels he makes "nothing" as far as money (he does fine) and how he's useless and worthless, etc.

You H is saying mean things so you can share in feeling how bad he feels on the inside.  H is too miserable at this time to even care that you already have your own feelings, that you fight your own esteem issues, and that yes, he does not help build you up. 

I know you probably can't, yet, and it's hard, but I try to take an absence, even an angry one, as a break from the barrage.  I clean things I can't do with him home, or if I am the one to leave, take care of things OUTSIDE the home, errands and yard work, just to get away from the yelling. 

If your H is gone for an evening, try to get a little sleep.  If he comes back, still try to get a little sleep.  Practice disengaging.  The drama cycle will continue until YOU manage to change your responses to stop it.  He has no idea that his actions are feeding the cycle - he NEEDS to place blame away from himself and you are just so convenient, so close, and so easy to blame. 

I look for something I think I saw called "medium chill" as a mode to go into - it's not quite dissasociate, but it's bland vanilla responses.  I'm a  fat pig who sleeps all day (said while I am cleaning the kitchen)- "ok".  I "never" do what I am supposed to do, or I "always" do XYZ wrong. "Ok".  I try really hard not to JADE - I catch myself now as I engage in it - soemtimes I can stop.  JADE = fire accelerate.  Vanilla pudding non emotional answers that go no where smother the fire.

It's a disease, an illness, a disability, a condition talking.  A toddler yelling at you?  You'd disregard most of it.  A drunk person?  A person having a diabetic fit, or otherwise not in their right mind?  You'd be able to say, "this is not really soemthing I need to accept, internalie, or take as truth.  I can ignore it, validate the calid, ignore the invalid, and try to get the fire smothered."

[5xFive]

Thank you islme. That helps tremendously.
I knew I needed to do the interview so I did. I knew I would hear about it and I made a conscious decision. I’ve noticed that lately, h needs me to “choose” him. I’m not sure where this is coming from but if I choose anything else, I’m a despicable person and all the names and blah blah like Snowglobe was saying.
I do want to learn. I know I feed the fire. I stir the pot, I jade and don’t set boundaries, I enable, and sometimes I even antagonize. But I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to grow the f up. If my marriage still fails after I’ve grown, then at least I’ll know I’ve done everything I could. At this point, I still feel responsible for a lot of the triggering.

[Radcliff]

5xFive, it sounds like a rough day -- I'm sorry to hear it.

But CONGRATULATIONS on the interview!  That is totally awesome!

First thought, don't answer any of his calls and texts during the interview.  Not one.  Your head needs to be totally in that interview.  And since calls are very distracting even if you don't answer, a safer thing to do is to block his number before the interview starts, then unblock it afterward.  For a 15 minute interview, you wouldn't even have to let him know you'd blocked him.  Also, you don't have to tell him what time the interview is.  If he knows, it's an irresistible target.

Can you give a little more detail on his concerns about the job?  Any rational concerns?  It's working from home, and you need the income, right?  So what's not to like?

WW

[5xFive]

Can you give a little more detail on his concerns about the job?  Any rational concerns?  It's working from home, and you need the income, right?  So what's not to like?

Wentworth,

I don’t think he had any concerns. I think he was just dysregulating so badly that he needed me to CHOOSE him and he knew this was a big deal for me. This is the position that really gives me the experience I need for my business (it’s the same service-dental billing) and I’ve been waiting since the week I lost my job (almost 3 months now) and applied with this company. They brought me on board but then they had to assign me an office and this was an office assignment interview. He KNEW how important it was and in my mind, I knew that he knew, and so I told him the time so he would leave me alone. Haha! Nope nope nope.

He needed to feel more important to me than this all important job interview. I don’t think I messed it up, we will see. But with some clarity and lucidity, it occurs to me that maybe he was feeling SO much shame about his earlier behavior that he needed to know I still love him and this is the only way he could get what he needed... ? Idk. But it was a rough day, and a big day for boundaries. I blocked him when he called me names, I called 911 when he said he was killing himself. These are new and huge and I try to imagine how I would feel if I were a pwBPD and all of a sudden the behaviors that I’ve expressed for almost 18years are hitting a wall. Eeeek. I think I’d spin a little out of control too.

[Radcliff]

This is the position that really gives me the experience I need for my business (it’s the same service-dental billing) and I’ve been waiting since the week I lost my job (almost 3 months now) and applied with this company. They brought me on board but then they had to assign me an office and this was an office assignment interview.

How freaking awesome is that?  The experience you need, a base of income, and time left over to work on finding your own clients!  That is in fact the best case scenario!  So cool.  Please keep us posted on how that goes and share any good news!

While it sounds like your husband's behavior stems from emotional dysregulation and desperate attempts to not feel abandoned, for those with an abusive mindset, sabotaging a spouse's ability to earn income and be independent is a major control tool.  It can be confusing when we know that our loved one is acting out of emotional desperation and not malice.  While we may want to respect that difference, it's also important to realize that whether they intend it or not, the effect on us is the same.  This is why we must be effective in defending something as critical as making a living.  Not combative, but effective.  Use all the tools.  Do not feel bashful or guilty or like a bad wife or anything for wanting to be able to take care of your and your family's basic needs.

But it was a rough day, and a big day for boundaries. I blocked him when he called me names, I called 911 when he said he was killing himself.

Wow, that is a rough day.  A courageous day for you 

These are new and huge and I try to imagine how I would feel if I were a pwBPD and all of a sudden the behaviors that I’ve expressed for almost 18years are hitting a wall. Eeeek. I think I’d spin a little out of control too.

I'm impressed that you are pointing this out.  It shows your empathy, and also will be helpful for you to keep this in mind as you navigate the next days and weeks.  When we start to create and maintain boundaries when we haven't for a couple of decades, it is so confusing to them.  When we start to push back, our pwBPD will double their efforts to get back on top of things.  They will do whatever they can to try to get a reaction out of us, and will find new tricks they haven't tried before, to up the ante.  Again, stay consistent.  Be as cool and calm as you can possibly be, using the tools to avoid adding fuel to the fire.  Don't forget to use positive tools like validation.  Don't try to establish boundaries everywhere all at once.  It is a learning exercise for both you and him.  Control the pace of change as much as possible (though things like job opportunities will happen when they happen and you'll need to just take whatever heat happens to defend that).

You are covering a lot of ground.  You are going places!

WW

[5xFive]

This morning was almost as bad as yesterday with the suicide talk. I nearly called 911 again and the only reason I didn’t was because the reaction h gave me when I told him I was hanging up and calling and then I hung up. He freaked, said he didn’t mean it, please stop, please call etc.
I did call him and he said he feels like the only time I love him is when we are in crisis (I have some work to do!) and that I am very defensive which drives him crazy. Hmm. Jade much?
So I’ve been in the skills and tools section all morning. I validated the best I could figure out, tried to keep myself from jadeing and I feel like I must have been successful because it has now been over 3 hours with no angry texts.
In that time, I managed to work for 1 hour, clean the kitchen, vacuum the living room, and get our Christmas ornamanents into the attic. I feel more productive than I’ve felt in the last 2 weeks. There’s still a lot of housework and work that I need to do, but I feel... .cleaner if that makes sense.
And D1 is “singing” along with the music that I put on. That gives me serious joy.

[isilme]

he feels like the only time I love him is when we are in crisis (I have some work to do!)

Yes and no - HE has some serious work to do - he needs to allow himself to accept and feel your love even when he is NOT creating a crisis.

You can't change or control his emotions.  You can work on your own reactions TO his emotions, and that in turn "may" turn the tide and help get past this current set of dysregulation events, but I see us working on us as a climbing a ladder with our BPD loved ones kinda tied off on a  bungee cord.  They are bouncing around behind us.  We need to climb that ladder for ourselves, for any children or other family affected in our lives.  Our spouses will bounce around behind us, sometimes bouncing up to us, sometimes pulling farther away, but if you start on level 10, and they are stuck around level 5, as you climb to level 15, they are yanked behind you up to level 10.  So by improving yourself, you help him. 

Good job being able to take care of things - I find that when I feel productive it really helps MY emotional stability, meaning I can offer more as needed to H.  Gotta keep your own well full as much as you can - can't pour from an empty one. 

[5xFive]

Islme,
That makes a lot of sense!
I like your ladder analogy a LOT.
Thank you.