To Break Up or Not? My girlfriend is in a mental hospital and I am hurting.

[janethedoe]

Gemsforeyes,

Did I never respond to your last post? My sincerest apologies if I didn't, and thank you for checking in back in March of 2018.

I did release my book, Starving In Search of Me in 2018. It's on Amazon and became a bestseller .

I'm back on the boards now because I wanted to include some of our conversations from 2018 in my next book, which I'm working on now. Do I have your permission to include yours?

The book is going to be about my experiences in codpendent/toxic relationships leading up to finding out what true love is supposed to feel like. I haven't come up with a title yet.

Since we last spoke, I got into another relationship that felt toxic throughout in many ways that were hard to understand. I suspected that my recent partner may also have had BPD, though she was not diagnosed. I know my own guilt, insecurities, and codependent tendencies also contributed to the relationship's failure. I relocated to another city to be with her and we dated for almost 3 years. I exited that relationship about 5 months ago, and am feeling very motivated to write about it all as a form of self-therapy and to help raise awareness for others who might be going through something similar, especially people in the queer community.

How are you doing?

Best,

Jane/M

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Marissa-
It’s so nice to hear from you!  And no need to apologize for not responding...that sort of thing happens when we’re in the midst of heartbreak and confusion and life and work.  Sometimes it’s difficult to remember to brush your teeth and shower when you feel the walls are collapsing in on you, and too much is pulling at you. 

I am familiar... late last night I cleaned out my hairbrush and threw the hair into my laundry bag.  Luckily I caught myself just as I was about to toss my clothes into the trash can.

I hesitate, but will tell you what I mistakenly said to a couple of teenaged trick-or-treaters last night...
I said “Be fun! Have good!”  Yep!  And right as I finished saying that, I looked to see whether my 89-year old mom noticed and she wondered  if I was having a stroke.  I blamed it on exhaustion and too much candy, which is probably true.

Does that give you my selfie of how I am? 

A lot of not great stuff has taken place since we last spoke.  I learned how truly sick my then BF is... and actually more NPD than BPD.  And he has a VERY twisted and sick, deeply enmeshed relationship with his mother, which had been well hidden until 2019 when she relocated down here when her husband passed.  That’s when either she or *I* (not sure which of us) became the “other woman”.  And he tried to play that to the hilt.   At any rate, I carefully waited for his “next violent RAGE” from 10/2019 until it finally happened on 2/13/2020, and he’s been gone since then.  He has left me alone since December 2020.  I never want to hear his voice or see his face again.  I have more than just memories to remind me of why this sick man will NEVER be permitted near me again.  I am still dealing with the hate I have for myself.

There’s more, but let’s not.  Let’s do happy.

Congratulations on the success with your book, Marissa!  That is SO WONDERFUL to hear! 
And YES, you’re welcome to use any parts of our conversations that will help you explain the distressing nature of these relationships.   I’m not sure whether you’ve ever had the chance to explore, but there are many members here who were/are in LGBTQ relationships and who may be able to contribute insight to your current book.

I am so very sorry that you found yourself involved in another damaging relationship after the one that initially brought you to these boards.  I have some thoughts on repeating this pattern because, as I mentioned during our 2018 exchanges, I did this too... my ex-H and the ex-BF.  And I’m telling you, Marissa, I had a REAL reckoning with myself.

Again, I am truly sorry you’ve endured another breakup.  How are you feeling emotionally after leaving your most recent relationship?  Were you able to move back to your prior city or will you stay where you moved to be with her?  Are you NC (no contact)?

I do have a question on another topic, but not entirely.  I recently learned that I am of the “persuasion” known as “HSP” - Highly Sensitive Person.  First I cried for about two days.  And then I breathed deeply and thought, well THAT explains it!  And I laughed.  I matched oh so many of the traits, and that answered tons of questions I’ve asked about me my entire life.  And when I brought this up with my T, she said “I knew that about you the FIRST TIME we MET!”   I was floored.  But the most amazing part was that I spoke to my mom, my older sister and my brother about this... and for the first time in my life, all three of them actually listened to me.

Food for thought.

Wishing you joy and healing.

Warmly,
Gems