Don't know what to do...

[nowhere man]

I'm going to keep my intro short for now while I get familiar with this site. Long story short, I've long suspected my mother of having BPD, and have recognized traits in my sister. Just recently, however, I've started to wake up to the realization that my wife of 22 years may actually be the one who has it. When things are good, they are really good. But when they are bad, they are really bad. Screaming, swearing, slamming, threats, sarcasm, and RAGE.

I am certainly no innocent party, as I tend to become defensive, and make an already bad situation much worse. Over the past year, however, my sense of hopelessness and despair have become markedly worse during these episodes, and in addition to my chronic depression and anxiety, I've actually had fleeting thoughts of suicide that have scared me. I am currently seeing a therapist, but I don't have anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking to about this, except for my sister-in-law, who I just very recently disclosed these dark thoughts to.

I am looking forward to the help and hope I am sure I will find here.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi nowhere man,

Welcome and hello  

I'm sorry for the suffering that brings you here, and glad you found the site.

Finding BPD sprinkled throughout the family tree is not uncommon here.  

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and getting some support in real life. This site can also be life changing. Just knowing you aren't alone can make a difference, and having people who will walk with you.  

Becoming defensive when attacked is a pretty common response. There are skills to help turn things around but hey are not intuitive, and must be learned. That's where we come in 

First, though, is focusing on you and your well-being. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in these relationships and recognizing that you are struggling is the first step to getting your needs met.

Do you have children with your wife? Are you still in contact with your mom and sister?
 

[nowhere man]

Thank you for your reply.  I haven't used a message board in some years, so I'm trying to get used to this format.

Yes, I am still in touch with my mother and my sister, and, yes, I have a 16-year-old son at home.  In fact, the last big blowup with my wife was triggered by a disagreement over parenting.  It's a long story, but the bottom line is that within a very short time, she was raging, and screaming, swearing, and namecalling at me.  That was Tuesday.  Today is the first day that things finally feel a little back to normal for us.

We have a great marriage most of the time, but each time an episode like this happens, I feel my heart closing all the more slightly, and I am afraid that I am going to end up walking away from the marriage, or worse.

Of course, now that the storm has passed, and I'm in good graces again, I feel guilty for having created an account here.  However, I also recognize that has been a life-long response to love/hate flipping, and I need to do something different to prevent things from getting any worse for me.  I can't just whitewash it this time.  I need to learn some different strategies to diffuse anger, to not react, to not be defensive, etc.

I see my therapist on Wednesday morning, which will be interesting.  She sees both of us separately for other reasons, but over the last year, I've been talking with her more about some of these issues, albeit very lightly. I've been trying to talk my wife into seeing our therapist together to talk specifically about finding a different way to fight instead of the loud screaming and yelling hostility.  However, everytime I bring this up, my wife takes it as me saying that we have a bad marriage, and is hurt and offended at the thought. 

Last Wednesday was my wife's session with our therapist, and she begrudgingly told me that I should probably join her.  It was not a pleasant experience, and I got a text from the therapist afterward saying that she hoped she didn't make things worse.

I am tense at the thought of talking about this more, but I have to.  I can't keep doing this, because it's taking a toll on my mental health.

Thank you for the ears.

[livednlearned]

I need to do something different to prevent things from getting any worse for me.  I need to learn some different strategies to diffuse anger, to not react, to not be defensive, etc.

It's encouraging that you have periods of calm, where the marriage is not plagued by emotional turmoil.

How does a conversation with your wife typically go when things head off the rails?

Are there any strategies you've tried in the past that have led to some success?

I have found that the only way to have compassion for someone who is emotionally dysregulated (in the moment) is to have compassion for myself. And to do that, I have to take care of myself. For those of us who have BPD loved ones, keeping that cup full is essential, it's not a platitude to take casually.

Seeing a therapist and reaching out here is a good sign 

What are some other things you do for yourself?

[pearlsw]

Hi nowhere man,

No need to add to your woes by worrying over the fact you have an account here... .Let's transform that into a positive okay? You chose to reach out, find support and get your bearings. Those are all great things!

Don't make the mistake that a lot of folks do of forgetting us here once things cool down at home. We're still here! The more peaceful times at home are good times for you to learn, discuss and prepare for the other tougher times that are likely to come again for one reason or another okay?

You mention defensiveness... .have you heard about not JADE-ing? (justify, argue, defend, explain) It is like gold! This tool can change your life very fast if you take the time to try it out and implement it. I have to admit, I've slipped a bit lately and JADED once or twice, but I have to admit, I did need to take time and help and explain things to my husband that given our vast differences of culture and language he just simply couldn't grasp on the first attempt. But once he finally stopped and just chose to listen and not constantly interrupt he found he felt better, and it made a difference. I have to weigh carefully when talking to him a lot about something can make a difference, and when it can't. But, by and large, if you try this tool you could see a significant increase in your quality of life.

Give us an update and please keep engaging with the community here, when you are feeling strong others may be feeling low and taking even a few minutes to post an encouraging or sympathetic reply can make all the difference and help you have others ready and in the know when you perhaps hit a crisis or low point in the future!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[nowhere man]

Hi, pearlsw,

I didn't know that I had a response to my original post.  I just happened to check back in today after having forgotten my username and password for a while.

Things have been stable since January, though last night, she had a blow-up with her sister (who lives with us).  It went from 0-10 in no time at all, with some very horrible things said, and coming close to physical violence.  I stayed out of it as best as I could, where in the past I would have gotten sucked into the drama, making everything worse.  My sister-in-law left, and my wife was ranting and raging to herself in our bedroom upstairs.  My 16-year-old son came downstairs, clearly disturbed, and asked if I could sit outside on the back porch with him.  We sat and talked for a while, until he felt ready to go in.

I went upstairs to check on her then, and she was sobbing deeply, to the point where she almost couldn't breathe.  But she didn't want me to touch her, or even to sit with her.  Instead, she accused me of not caring about her at all, and started on the familiar track about how she has nobody, and how we all let her down.  This was in addition to the multiple loud statements following the blow-up about how much she hates every aspect of her life, and how it sucks to be her.

When things are good, they are good.  But I feel like this past year has changed me.  It almost feels like something inside me has died, and it scares me a little.  I won't say that I don't love her, because I do.  But I'm finding more and more that I just want to be alone in my own little corner of the world. 

Last year, during one particularly nasty fight, I had some mild suicidal ideation that caught me off guard.  I have talked with my therapist about it, and have a plan to deal with it if those thoughts come again.  It was enough, though, to show me that I can't keep living like this, that I have to do something different.  I can't change her, nor would I ever be able to get her to recognize that she has a problem (as do I), and I can't just leave her, as that is not who I am.

I would like to know more about the JADE-ing thing.

Thank you,

[nowhere man]

Hi, livednlearned,

I want to apologize that I never answered this.  I didn't realize that there were other replies to my post.

I can't even begin to answer how a conversation with her goes when things are off.  It is as if reality itself is flipped on its head, and all the normal rules of life have been changed, only I don't know what they are.  This when I especially feel I must walk on eggshells.  However, being careful not to hurt or offend only pisses her off more, because I come across like I am afraid of her, which she reacts badly to.

The only strategies that have been somewhat helpful have been to remove myself from the situation.  But even so, I do that knowing that it's effectively adding another couple of days to the hostile, tense atmosphere before things begin to return to normalcy.  When someone has a fear of abandonment, and is in an irrational state of mind, retreating looks and feels a lot like abandonment at that moment.  However, staying doesn't help, either, because inevitably she will provoke me in such a way to cause me to react, which also throws gasoline on the fire.  Even being calm is "being condescending."

The last couple of times this has happened, I've actually had the phrase "I want a divorce" float up through my mind, which I've quickly repressed.  I do not want a divorce.  I love her, and she is otherwise a wonderful woman, with so many redeeming qualities.  I just don't want to be with this side of her.

Oh, and yeah, about the therapist.  My new insurance doesn't cover her, so I'm currently without.

It's encouraging that you have periods of calm, where the marriage is not plagued by emotional turmoil.

How does a conversation with your wife typically go when things head off the rails?

Are there any strategies you've tried in the past that have led to some success?

I have found that the only way to have compassion for someone who is emotionally dysregulated (in the moment) is to have compassion for myself. And to do that, I have to take care of myself. For those of us who have BPD loved ones, keeping that cup full is essential, it's not a platitude to take casually.

Seeing a therapist and reaching out here is a good sign 

What are some other things you do for yourself?

[pearlsw]

Sorry for fast reply! Here is more info about JADE-ing: (how not to!) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0