my BPD partner is in the psych ward

[canadalighthouse]

I've known my BPD partner for almost 2 years.  She has always warned me that she would "lose it" and that eventually she will be in the psych ward for not taking her medications.  She struggles with bulemia, and was once hospitalized (I did not know her then) for anorexia - which led her to develop a disease called beriberi (a thiamine defficiency) which led to paralysis and almost death.  She was wheelchair bound, then used a walker, and I knew her when she was fully recovered and walking normally.
For coping mechanisms, she drinks too much, she binges, she is glued to her smart phone, and other things I won't mention in this first post.
Over the last few weeks, she became increasingly restless, disoriented, incoherent, detached, strange and illogical.  I joined her and her mom on a trip to Cuba, which she claimed relaxed her, but she was increasingly agitated, couldn’t sleep, was cold and hot, needed to pee, did not.  Saw God, believed she was pregnant, then went to the beach claiming she was going to give birth.  She was admitted to the nearby hospital in Cuba. On her return, she was agitated but stable. 
Back at home, on a recent visit to my place (she lives with her mom), she tried to resolve a computer problem then blamed my son for hijacking the internet…she texted him an accusatory message – he was dumbfounded.  I asked her firmly to think before she texts, and that blaming my son was wrong.  She got up, pushed me away, was extremely upset and walked home.  Phone call: “I’m totally ___in’ fine, and there’s totally nothing ___in’ wrong with me, and you can leave me ___in’ alone.”  Then she texted me with “I’m calling you.  I’m not angry.  You figure it the ___ out.”
I left her alone for a day, and read most of “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”  Called her, left message.  Called mom, left message.  Next day, her cousin came by to advise me that she is in the psychiatric ward. I told him that I am worried about her and to keep me informed. Then I made a gigantic mistake by admitting that I told my son about her condition (he’s 17, he’s seen her behavior, we shook hands to promise privacy).  I called her mom today and she said that I can’t visit her, that I can’t tell anybody about her condition, and that she knows I told my son.  And that I can only call the cousin to find out about her situation from now on, not her.  I am banished from my girlfriend by her angry mom.  When will I see her?  I am so worried. 
Regardless of what the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” says, to not personalize her behavior, I KNOW that I triggered her psychological crisis.  I am to blame, I feel very guilty, helpless, and separated from her by her mom.  I need advice and help.
   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi canadalighthouse,

I perhaps missed a detail here, but what do you mean you triggered her crisis? Look, these situations are not easy. After five years of mistreatment I gave up and didn't bother to treat my husband so well either. I knew something was off, but I had not yet fully grasped that he is coping with mental illness. Nevertheless, he is responsible for his behavior as I am responsible for mine. Your girlfriend would likely have been triggered by one thing or another. You can't control her reactions, and you didn't cause this illness... .so with time I'd like you to consider letting that piece of it go.

Also, with all this going on, it is also not the end of the world that you told your son in my book. If he is seeing extreme stuff and you have some answers and you made a good faith effort to keep this private then you've done enough on that point too, okay? So, consider letting that go as well.

Now, the other piece... .about having contact with her, or being prevented from doing so... .just trust that is in the hospital now and let's hope she is in a safe place and getting the best care possible, okay? You can't control that point either, so no need to worry over things you cannot control. You can only control your own reactions and actions.

Take your time, study up on this illness while you have this time apart, call the cousin and make a good faith effort to be kind and establish your desire for contact - if you are lucky the cousin may be able to help with that at some point.

Hopefully others will join us here and share their insights!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[livednlearned]

Hi canadalighthouse,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's very upsetting and confusing to see someone you love become that mentally ill and emotionally dysregulated.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Your girlfriend will have tremendous struggles managing her emotions in the best of times, and things only become more challenging when she starts to (chronically test) interpersonal trust with loved ones.

Right now, she is in bad shape and pushing you away is probably how, with her limited skill set, she is trying to regulate intense emotions. 

One of the better books that might help you make sense of her condition is Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning. It's perhaps more suited to families than romantic partnerships, but it is also skills-based, so that you will have some idea about how to interact when your GF is released and open to seeing you again.