Lost my husband and my father... lost.

[Gardengoddess]

A recap: it's been exactly three months since my marriage exploded and he moved out. A few days later, he sabotaged my living situation and I nearly lost my home. We had an enormous fight over the phone. I reached the end of my tolerance for everything and tried suicide. I survived by the skin of my teeth, but was seriously traumatized in the ER and emergency psych ward by uncaring and cruel treatment by staff there while I was in a very fragile state. A few days later, my ex admitted he was hooking up (or about to hook up with) a woman who used to be a close friend of mine, he had lied to me about it a few days prior. I talked to her (big mistake, she is easily as crazy and toxic as he is) and she told me she f*cked whoever she wanted whenever she wanted, and anyway this was her revenge for me unfriending her a year before when I had quietly walked away from our friendship after watching her get super crazy over a failed romantic relationship and weirdly possessive of my husband.

Since then, I've cut off contact with my ex of almost nine years. He is the love of my life, my husband, and my soul mate. It is agony to not talk to him or have him in my life. It is agony to know that even if I reach out, I'll be met with the coldest, angriest version of him. The one that is the opposite of the man I fell so deeply in love with. It is agony to hear anything about him. It is agony to see anything that reminds me of him, and the love we shared. And there are reminders everywhere. So many people thought that we were happy and had a good life together. They are shocked when I tell them even a little about what it was really like in-between the happy photos. We really did have a beautiful life together. We really were amazing together. Everyone thought so. I thought so too. That's why I held on for so long when he was acting so abusive and crazy. That's why it hurts so much now. I miss us, the sweetness and incredible closeness and compatibility we had together. It hurts that he has done so much to hurt me, quite deliberately to cause me pain, and I've done NOTHING to deserve it. I have tried to be a good partner and wife, to understand him, to give him space when he needed it, to gush over him when he needed that.

The night before new years eve, I got the call I have been waiting for, dreading really. My dad was in the hospital on life support. It was late at night and I was numb. The next morning, I called my ex, sobbing, told him that my dad was dying. I was so desperate for comfort from him. He was silent while I cried. Eventually I felt awkward and wanted to get off the phone, but it turned out that he was checking google for flights for me. He paid for me to fly out to be with my dad in his last moments. He didn't give me comfort directly. Instead he made it possible for me to have the comfort and closure I needed with my dad. I appreciate that he did that for me.

My dad is also a BPD. Now that I know the signs due to marrying my diagnosed and untreated BPD husband, looking back I see that my dad was the same way. Charismatic, empathetic, sweet, generous, and smart, a womanizer and drunk with a cruel and chaotic streak that kept the family whirling in chaos for decades. A vicious and prolonged divorce and custody battle with my mother has kept them both angry at each other for over 20 years, and a lifelong addiction to various drugs coupled with physical disability isolated him and concentrated his anxiety and toxicity. His constant need to control me financially and emotionally as an adult was excruciating, and I suffered from severe depression in my 20s that he kept going through his terrible and manipulative behavior towards me. Still, after I cut off contact from him from age 29-36, it was agony to not talk to him. I missed him so much. I made my own way and did better away from my family. I got therapy, and I met my husband, who encouraged me to reach out to my father. Eventually, I did.

I had to stop talking to my dad again because when I got my wedding photos, there was a series of candid shots where it looked like he was looking down my dress. When I asked him about it, he didn't deny it or apologize. Instead he got defensive, told me that my dress was cut too low, made a ton of bad excuses like the typical ones that dudes make when they get caught doing something stupid, and broke my heart into a million pieces. I started having screaming nightmares, and eventually through therapy realized that I was recovering memories of childhood sexual abuse. Probably from my father. I've now been through several years of therapy and do lots of self-work to recover from this trauma. So yeah. My dad dying is really complicated. I've lived through most of the last decade not talking to him, and still thinking of him in some way every damn day. Sometimes hating him. Realizing that I had married my dad, and feeling horrified, and trying to make peace with it. Because even if it was a mistake, I married him for life, and I truly did and do love my husband.

I was with my dad for his last 24 hours. He could not respond in speech while I was there. He knew I was there. I know that he waited for me to arrive. I talked to him anytime I didn't get the sense that he needed to rest, and I know he heard me. I wasn't afraid of him anymore, I didn't have to hold back. I told him that I remembered everything now, and that I forgave him. That I love him, and I release him. And I helped him to go peacefully into wherever it is that we go when we die. He died on New Years Day, surrounded by his children. Witnessing the spirit leave his body was terrible and beautiful. I had the strong sense that he was at peace when he died.

I feel shattered. I have now lost the two people I have been closest to and loved most in this life. Both my husband and my father lost to drugs, rage, and crazy behavior that they somehow felt compelled to trash their lives with. Both of them, beautiful f*cked up men who loved deeply and couldn't hold it together enough to have stable relationships. Both of them hurt me more than anyone else ever has.

The grief feels like a giant spike through my heart. It is hard to breathe. I am devastatingly lonely, but can't stand to be around people much. I rattle around in my half-empty home, reminded constantly of how much I have lost, of sweetness and family that could have been. My younger siblings are in stable marriages, with children. I have no partner, no hope for the future. My past, my present and my future are broken. I have nothing to look forward to but divorce and bills and loneliness. I'm still going through the motions of life as if I believe in my life, but I don't. I miss them both, and I can never have them again. My husband and my father are like one person, one giant LOSS in my head and my heart. I can't even begin to know how to move forward, because it feels like all of my movement is on a stupid neverending treadmill and I will be stuck forever in all of this terrible pain.

[schwing]

Hi Gardengoddess, and

The grief feels like a giant spike through my heart. It is hard to breathe. I am devastatingly lonely, but can't stand to be around people much. I rattle around in my half-empty home, reminded constantly of how much I have lost, of sweetness and family that could have been. My younger siblings are in stable marriages, with children. I have no partner, no hope for the future. My past, my present and my future are broken. I have nothing to look forward to but divorce and bills and loneliness. I'm still going through the motions of life as if I believe in my life, but I don't. I miss them both, and I can never have them again. My husband and my father are like one person, one giant LOSS in my head and my heart. I can't even begin to know how to move forward, because it feels like all of my movement is on a stupid neverending treadmill and I will be stuck forever in all of this terrible pain.

I know the grief will feel at times like it might kill you, but it won't. Please feel free to express it however you need in the coming days, weeks, months (years) and know that there are many here that would hear it, empathize/sympathize with your pain, and would support you in whatever ways that we can.

This also, isn't really the best of time to consider your future prospects.  I don't know what the future will bring you but I know that in time there is always the potential for happiness.  Happiness does not have to look like how you imagine happiness to be right now.  It may look like something you can't even imagine right now.

Right now all you have is fertilizer for your garden.  Fertilizer and lots of rain.

Since then, I've cut off contact with my ex of almost nine years. He is the love of my life, my husband, and my soul mate. It is agony to not talk to him or have him in my life. It is agony to know that even if I reach out, I'll be met with the coldest, angriest version of him.

... .

The night before new years eve, I got the call I have been waiting for, dreading really. My dad was in the hospital on life support. It was late at night and I was numb. The next morning, I called my ex, sobbing, told him that my dad was dying.

... .

I started having screaming nightmares, and eventually through therapy realized that I was recovering memories of childhood sexual abuse. Probably from my father. I've now been through several years of therapy and do lots of self-work to recover from this trauma. So yeah. My dad dying is really complicated.

Any *one* of these situations you describe I would consider to be a major endeavor in terms of grief work.  

Working through the loss of a BPD marriage is daunting as we have daily proof here.

Working through such a loss resulting from such a betrayal.  Ack.

Working through the loss of your father.  The loss of the father you deserved over the one you actually had.  The premature loss of your childhood and innocence.  All of these consideration make my heart sink for you.

I don't envy your having to work through all of this simultaneously.  :)on't bite more than you can chew (but keep biting when you can); do what ever you need to keep your head above water.  Please get as much support for yourself as you can.  You deserve it.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Gardengoddess]

I know the grief will feel at times like it might kill you, but it won't. Please feel free to express it however you need in the coming days, weeks, months (years) and know that there are many here that would hear it, empathize/sympathize with your pain, and would support you in whatever ways that we can.

Thank you. It does feel like the grief could kill me. I don't think I have ever been in so much pain in my life, even after years of chronic illness. I guess it could kill me through suicide, but I am resisting that.

This also, isn't really the best of time to consider your future prospects.  I don't know what the future will bring you but I know that in time there is always the potential for happiness.  Happiness does not have to look like how you imagine happiness to be right now.  It may look like something you can't even imagine right now.

Right now all you have is fertilizer for your garden.  Fertilizer and lots of rain.

sigh... .so much fertilizer and rain. Feels like I am drowning in it. All I want to do is fall into my husband's arms and be held by him. I was there for him when his dad died a year ago. I bore the brunt of his emotional storms and helped him and his family. I was THERE for him. I wish for the same love and support, and I am so angry that he is too f*cked up to give me anything more than a plane ticket. His family has been kind to me, but I am not family anymore and that is clear, even though I am still married in. I am alone. Yeah I have friends, but no one is here for me day in and day out. My life partner is gone. Alive, but gone.

It has been a comfort to post and to read here. We are the disappointed ones, those frantic for answers when our true loves abandon us for no discernible reason. it is comforting to know that I am not alone, that we can create our own closure and come to our own answers in time.

As for the future, I am currently in college as a returning student... .it is another level of betrayal for me that he was so threatened by my getting an education that he tanked our relationship in the middle of my college career, at the height of my success. That was quite deliberate by him. Even with the hell of the past 3 months, I made it through the last quarter with only a slight dip in grades. I am able to continue to cope with my daily classes but will be starting work again soon too. And I have to start planning for my advanced degree right now, but it feels impossible to think that far ahead.

Any *one* of these situations you describe I would consider to be a major endeavor in terms of grief work.  

I don't envy your having to work through all of this simultaneously.  :)on't bite more than you can chew (but keep biting when you can); do what ever you need to keep your head above water.  Please get as much support for yourself as you can.  You deserve it.

I don't know how to separate the griefs, or even if I should. The early childhood abuse has gotten a lot easier to deal with over the past few years as I dedicated myself to healing in every way. I feel super overwhelmed by the different angles of grief right now with everything hitting me all at once. As if I had just lost everyone I loved in a car crash. There doesn't seem to be an end to the grief, it's like an ocean. I find myself just wailing on the floor a lot. I also go out to lunch with friends, dance, drink tea, and shop for groceries. I am not giving up. But damn this is so very hard. Thank you for your suggestion to accept as much support for myself as I can. I feel guilty accepting all of the support from friends right now, but it really does help me and I really do need it. I can't do this alone, though I feel so very alone.

[pearlsw]

Hi Gardengoddess,

I don't have much time, on the way out the door soon, but just wanted to leave a quick reply to say that I can relate to what you say about the loss of a father and the loss of a partner being bound up. I did not have any kind of trauma with my father as you describe, in my case my dad was as close to perfection as it gets. Neverthless, watching him die over many years (from cancer) has left a giant mark on my life. I vowed at a young age not to let my grief over losing him wreck my whole life, but I tell ya, I was crying myself the other morning, after "saving" my relationship that always seems on the verge divorce yet again... .and it hit me like a wall... .that sense that the key to it all... .is and has always been the loss of my dad. I thought I had handled as well as anyone can, but even after, oh, what thirty two years since he died... .the traces of it... .it is me. His death is something I carry and it frames everything... .it is why I have stayed and tried to make relationships work, it is small parts of him (or my cool brothers) I look for whenever I meet men... .I had good relationships with men as my foundation, but also loss... .and loss leaves us with a lot of pain. So, I just want to say that I've been there, I've felt that hopeless, I've wished my life away, I've wanted out of this pain... .but... .keep going forward, there is more and where there is life there is always, always some hope.   

I like history a lot so I think of people who have survived the worst imaginable things, and I see how they have tried to survive those things and keep going... .so, that is for us to do as well... .we must keep trying and not give up on hope. I must run, but I'll check back another time... .I'd like to hear what things do bring you joy and happiness in this world no matter how small they might be! 

sincerely, pearlsw.

[schwing]

I am able to continue to cope with my daily classes but will be starting work again soon too. And I have to start planning for my advanced degree right now, but it feels impossible to think that far ahead. I don't know how to separate the griefs, or even if I should.

I don't think it will be possible for you to separate the grief work from your various sources.  It may mean that you will need to take multiple measures (e.g. visiting graves, seeking therapy, etc... ) to manage your feelings so that the grief does not overwhelm you and/or catch you off guard.

I've found that by "scheduling" times to make myself available to feeling whatever feelings might be lurking, I can minimize the occasions in which the grief sneaks up on me, or imposes itself at very inopportune moments.

The early childhood abuse has gotten a lot easier to deal with over the past few years as I dedicated myself to healing in every way. I feel super overwhelmed by the different angles of grief right now with everything hitting me all at once. As if I had just lost everyone I loved in a car crash. There doesn't seem to be an end to the grief, it's like an ocean. I find myself just wailing on the floor a lot. I also go out to lunch with friends, dance, drink tea, and shop for groceries. I am not giving up. But damn this is so very hard.

I remember the aftermath of my BPD relationship (which was decades ago) and it is still to date the worse pain I have yet to feel.  Then again, I have not had a loss of any members of my FoO (or God forbid immediate family) yet.  

There will be times when it feels like your feelings are stuck or blocked.  :)uring these times, focus more on taking care of yourself physically -- get more sleep, eat well, limit your obligations/stress.  And when you are feeling more physically capable, find/schedule time to "nibble" on your grief.

In the beginning, the waves hit hard and often, so you are more likely to get physically/emotionally exhausted.  :)uring this time, just tread water.  :)o what you need to do; perhaps only what you need to do.  Keep a flexible schedule.  Afford yourself as many buffers as you need.  It is when you feel boxed in or overwhelmed, that you are likely to be cornered by the grief feelings.

In time the waves will hit less often and in smaller sizes.  :)uring this time, invite the pain on your terms; don't give up the grief work too soon.  I had found that when I started to do well again, I would prematurely believe I was done and gave up my self care rituals only to find the pain to build up to a point to which I could not ignore.  If you become well practiced, the rituals can become second nature, and eventually no longer necessary but good habits nonetheless.

Thank you for your suggestion to accept as much support for myself as I can. I feel guilty accepting all of the support from friends right now, but it really does help me and I really do need it. I can't do this alone, though I feel so very alone.

Do not deny yourself any resource that would help you.  You will inadvertently tax some friendship more than you realize, but you may also find the occasional diamond in the rough. Invest in the relationships where they are able to give you the kind of support you would make available to them (or have).  It is harder when you feel alone, but what you are going through is not unique.  You are in good company.

[pearlsw]

Hi again Gardengoddess,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are since you posted this?

thinking of you and sending you good energy, pearlsw.

[JNChell]

 Gardengoddess, bless you. I don’t have any advice to offer as I’m new here. I just want you to know that my deepest sympathy goes out to you. My eyes welled up reading your story. I can very closely relate to some aspects of your experience. We love them dearly. You’re not alone, ever. Now that I’m beginning to feel a little more comfortable interacting on this site, I have felt a little of that intense pressure start to lift. Post, post and keep on posting. This site is full of wonderful people that truly care. I’m so sorry for you. You’ve been through more than most people would be able to survive, but you did. Be kind to yourself.

[Gardengoddess]

Just thought I'd give you all an update, since I was incommunicado for a couple of weeks.
It has been rough. Really rough. Migraines-every-day rough. Feeling so suicidal that I couldn't function, rough. I had to drop a class because the migraines had me so debilitated. I cancelled plans with friends because I was in so much pain, and that made me more depressed. My cat, who is also my emotional support animal, became extremely ill, and I sunk most of my meager savings into tests to find out what was wrong with her. In a moment of desperation, I called my ex. I told him that it was talk about logistics, but I just missed him so damned much and wanted him to care for me. It was a big mistake. He was friendly with me for the first time since our separation back in October and I let my guard down. I told him about how hard it had been to cope with the death of my father all alone. That my cat was ill. That I had had a hard time finding housemates. I told him that I didn't know if I could make it through this. I asked him if he would care for my cat if I didn't make it. He asked if I had a plan (like, a plan to kill myself). I told him that was complicated. The reality is that I was obsessed with suicide, full of ideas on how to die, and trying desperately to resist the urge. He said, sort of awkwardly, that he thought some people would miss me if I was gone. He didn't say anything about how he would feel. I got the notion that he would be just fine if I died. He would be relieved. He was just saying what he did because that is what you are supposed to say to someone who is suicidal. I said, well, it's not your problem. And I changed the subject.

He made it clear that he wants a divorce. He made financial offers which will not support me over the short or long term while I am in school. He also said that he was not making agreements right then but wanted to "sit with it" for a couple of days before making a decision. So he is totally in control of my present and future. I have to rely on him to do the right thing, and it still isn't enough.

Then he revealed that he has, in fact, been "hanging out with" my former friend. The same one who told me vindictively that she was going to f*ck him to hurt me for unfriending her, that she was channeling the destroyer goddess Kali to burn away my fantasy of stability and family, and that she was a sacred whore. He told me that she had a "voracious sexual appetite", with a smile in his voice. I was furious and devastated. He seemed amused to have two women fighting over him. When I told him that he was unethical, a liar, and a misogynist hypocrite, he hung up on me. I was so upset that I called back and left angry (not threatening) voicemails and texts. I really was devastated, first that he had done it at all, and second that he was gloating about it.

I barely made it through the rest of the day and night alive. The migraine sapped my energy. I wrote out a will and a care plan for my cat and took too many muscle relaxers, not as a suicide attempt but as a way to do *something* that would help my head and also keep me from doing any further self-harm.  I knew if I started drinking I was going to end up in the ER again or dead. So this was a way to get through the worst of it. I called a crisis line, I called my therapist and I called my DV advocate. They all helped me get through it.

Later this week, I posted a short rant about my ex and his "friend" on social media. It was the first time that I have been public about our stuff aside from a few close friends who I have shared with. The response was absolutely amazing. My community are outraged and really concerned for me, and I received an outpouring of love. So many comments that it is staying high up on the feed, and more and more people are seeing it. His family members saw it, some of them are furious at him and even apologized to me for his behavior. Everyone is shocked and disgusted. Everyone is showing and telling me how they love and respect me. I know it is social media and blah blah blah, but I SO needed that. I needed to feel valued by my community because I felt like my life was over. The work I have done in the community hasn't felt valued in a while, especially since he had been telling me that the work I did is a distraction from the "real" work of the organization that we have both been working with for several years. And now people are reaching out, asking how they can help and giving me tons of love.

I am not sure what to do with all of it. But I do know that the knife through my heart feels a little less icy, that today I am not struggling to stay alive, and that I feel loved. I will never get the love I want from him. And that is harsh and sad, but I can find the love I need outside of my failed marriage. I don't know what the future will bring, I know there will be very hard times ahead, but I also know now that my community has got my back and I am loved and appreciated.