Wow,
Marino40, so much of this resonated with me. I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. It really, really sucks. I hope that wherever you're spending the night tonight, it's at least warm and somewhat comfortable. As your hashtag implies, tomorrow IS another day. It sounds like you've been here a time or two?
My daughter is 4 years old. You mentioned the phrase "possibly expanding our family" and that stood out to me, so I'll share this anecdote. It's so strange to describe this but maybe you'll understand it - I don't think I've ever described this here on the boards before - anyway, the process of conceiving our child was a surreal mix of making love on demand, spending the rest of the night and most of the morning fighting, getting a couple hours of sleep, and then driving and hour or so to a fertility clinic for testing, still emotionally raw from the night before ... .and then, 3 years later, discussing the possibility of doing it all over again! I must be insane! Oh wait... .
In all seriousness, the kind of hope that we bring to a marriage where it seems like we're the only one hoping, it's a really really difficult thing. It does, however, make clear one of the most important points I've learned here: If there's going to be a change in our relationship, it's highly likely that it will need to come from you. If we expect someone who's had basically the same reaction for 10 years, to suddenly stop, without any real introspection, self awareness, and serious help, well, I think someone said once, that's the definition of insanity, right?
One of the things that I had to figure out first and foremost was the lesson on
Ending Conflict. We have the power to change our reactions, no matter what our pwBPD does, says, thinks, shouts about, etc, etc. You've probably already figured out that sarcasm and defensiveness doesn't help much. Go figure. I really, really wish it did, though, because I'm really good at both. The idea that these things don't help also ties into what you may be hearing from marriage counselors - technically speaking, "full blown" BPD diagnosis is rare, so it's not surprising that you get the sense the therapist is "discrediting" that idea. But more importantly, telling someone with BPD that their husband (or wife) is right, you DO have BPD, is one of the quickest way to end a session. Been there. Done that. The therapist that really has their act together will actually push hard on YOU to be more understanding or her feelings (we call that
Validation and improve communications (again, you're going to have to do a lot of the work on communication skills here, especially at first.
Hopefully this gives you a good perspective, because believe me, I've been there. I get it.
Get some rest tonight wherever you are,
Marino40, and tomorrow, maybe we can find some ways to help you start a #brandnewday
~DB77
