She's meeting with an attorney Friday

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD wife is meeting with an attorney Friday to start discussing divorce.  I'm having a rush of overwhelming emotions.  On the one hand I'm relieved.  The past few years have been torturous.  The past few months have been the worst of all.  I've developed severe anxiety and have even started to have a few physical health issues from the stress.  So part of me is almost ecstatic that Friday will begin the process.  That I can start over.  That the anxiety can go away.  That I can feel what it's like to be happy again.  But there's another part of me that is suddenly severely depressed.  I'm not shocked that this is happening, yet now that it's actually here I'm experiencing extreme sadness.  Over 25 years of memories coming to an end.  I thought I had started to work my way through all of those feelings over the past few months as I knew this day would come.  However now that it's here, I'm shocked at how horrible I feel.   I expected a little sadness but not this.  I could understand it a little more if it was just finalized and one of us is moving out, but to be this impacted at the mere thought of her meeting with an attorney wasn't something I expected. 

Is this just a normal part of the detachment process?

[Strugglingthroo]

My BPD wife is meeting with an attorney Friday to start discussing divorce.  I'm having a rush of overwhelming emotions.  On the one hand I'm relieved.  The past few years have been torturous.  The past few months have been the worst of all.  I've developed severe anxiety and have even started to have a few physical health issues from the stress.  So part of me is almost ecstatic that Friday will begin the process.  That I can start over.  That the anxiety can go away.  That I can feel what it's like to be happy again.  But there's another part of me that is suddenly severely depressed.  I'm not shocked that this is happening, yet now that it's actually here I'm experiencing extreme sadness.  Over 25 years of memories coming to an end.  I thought I had started to work my way through all of those feelings over the past few months as I knew this day would come.  However now that it's here, I'm shocked at how horrible I feel.   I expected a little sadness but not this.  I could understand it a little more if it was just finalized and one of us is moving out, but to be this impacted at the mere thought of her meeting with an attorney wasn't something I expected. 

Is this just a normal part of the detachment process?

[Skip]

Over 25 years of memories coming to an end.  I thought I had started to work my way through all of those feelings over the past few months as I knew this day would come.  However now that it's here, I'm shocked at how horrible I feel.   I expected a little sadness but not this.  

Is this just a normal part of the detachment process?

Yes. 25 years is a lot to unpack. Coming back to a single work that you left in in 1993 is also a big adjustment.

Your doing the right thing... .lock into your support network.

Do you have an attorney?

[Mutt]

Hi Strugglingthroo,



Were there divorce threats from either side during that 25 years? Maybe what you’re feeling is that unsettling feeling that reality is finally settling in - she’s really going through with it this time.

Have you been depressed for more than a couple of weeks? Exercise has more benefits than just physical ones - it’s good for you mentally it can alleviate stress in all parts of your life. Do you work out? It can help with anxiety.

[Strugglingthroo]

Thank you for the replies.  Skip, I have an attorney picked out but have not met with him yet.  She met with hers Friday.  We are going to talk tonight to see where things stand.  I was out of town last week on business so we had no direct discussions but her texts where very nice and friendly.  I got home this weekend and she went and stayed in a hotel.  Since I've been back her texts have ranged from "victim" and "poor me" to anger that we're just "throwing away the marriage like trash."  In all honestly, we have not spent a lot of time in marriage counseling.  We went several weeks ago and one of her stipulations was that we couldn't talk about the BPD.  Then it was an hour of her telling the therapist how awful I am and all the things I need to change.  I feel guilt about not doing more couples therapy but it just seems like until she gets her BPD somewhat controlled and until I get my depression and anxiety somewhat controlled, it's a futile process.  It's like 2 injured people wanting the other to help them get better.  I'm still amazed at how I'm feeling with things at this stage.  It's not as if this is a big surprise.  I really thought I had processed a lot of it but I obviously still have a ways to go.  It's just so frustrating because I know this is what needs to happen and part of me is very much relieved but the other part is crushed and makes me feel like a failure. 

Mutt, we almost divorced 5 years ago.  I had a place and was ready to move out.  Of course when I was ready she came back with the "things will change".  They did.  For about 4 months.  That was prior to us knowing anything about the BPD.  Looking back that would have been a better time to get out.  But, it's always easier looking back.  I do exercise regularly.  I go to the gym several nights a week and it does help. 

[Harley Quinn]

How did the talk go? Any developments?

Love and light x

[Strugglingthroo]

Yes she met with the attorney but didn't find anything out that we couldn't have found online.  Spent $250 for a consultation for nothing.  told me she would never file and that it was on me if we got divorced.  I think it was all a ploy to see how I'd react.  Told me it was "the hardest thing she'd ever had to do."  What?  Nothing?  She has had a horrible couple of days.  Back to the victim and she's worthless.  And what do I do?  I feel sorry for her!  Drives me crazy!  I don't rush to help her now.  Through therapy I've learned that I'm not responsible for her feelings.  So I am progressing, but it just baffles me that all that she's putting me through and I still feel sorry for her and don't want to hurt her by leaving.  If anyone else, including my kids, were ever in the situation I'm in, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to tell them to get out and get out now!  Yet, with me, I can't do it.  Ugh.  I think I'm getting closer but it just amazes me that it's this hard.